


Last Impressions

by LillithEvans



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2018-11-17 05:16:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 140,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11268693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LillithEvans/pseuds/LillithEvans
Summary: Lee Daehwi doesn't get it.Frankly, Kang Dongho looks like a caveman, he's aggressive and quite honestly makes Daehwi's heart beat 10 times faster every time his eyes land on his.This is not normal behaviour. Screw that, this is not Lee Daehwi behaviour and worst of all Daehwi can't tell if Kang Dongho knows just how he feels around him.





	1. A List

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this for a while but decided to finally post it because I cannot get enough of this pairing..PD101 what have you done to me! The story's going to be a slow real progression of Daehwi's feelings for Dongho most probably with a spattering of Dongho's feelings in between and of course everyone's involvement in-between :D!

It starts as a complete joke, it’s just a list – they’re making fun of BoA for gods sake. Samuel is cowering on the floor in laughter as Daehwi stalks on his tippy toes pretending to be the tiny but deadly voiced solo artist because let's be real - who else could pull it off other than him? 

Hint, the answer is not a single depressing soul in this studio/living space of theirs.

“AND IN NUMBER TWO- WE HAVE TRAINEE HWANG MINHYUN!” He announces in a loud tone of voice that has the cheers of those in his room a guarantee.

Save for one very vocal puppy. "OUTRAGE! OUTRAGE! I OBJECT! HWANG MINHYUN NEEDS TO BE NUMBER ONE LIKE - WHAT? HOW COULD YOU GUYS MESS THIS UP? IT'S SO OBVIOUS.” Seonho shrieks leaning to pull on Daehwi. No doubt to tackle the older boy onto the ground and, through sheer strength and physical force, catapult his favourite Hyung to the top of the rankings for "Number 1 Produce Hyung!".

Daehwi chooses to roll his eyes and ignore the puppy, the kid had all but fallen in love with Hwang Minhyun. 

Idly, Daehwi wondered if Seonho knew how gay he looked on screen.

Not that Daehwi had a problem with that, he was incredibly gay himself. “Down, boy down!” The puppy joke had taken on all new levels of reality in this safe room of theirs. Seonho retired back to be pitifully petted by Guanlin, Seonho's best,and some may say only, friend. 

This list started as a mess when the maknae line discovered that the hyung line had decided to ditch them all to go out drinking (Jung Jung's treat). So they decided to screw it and have their own house party. 

Daehwi and Samuel were wildly regarded as ‘the best’- so they hosted the event in their BIL Team 1 room (Jinyoung had been a bit of a piss about it but even he got into the Number 1 Hyung rankings when Jihoon’s name came up (which to be fair Daehwi thought wasn’t all that right because Jihoon was in the room with them).

“If Jisung hyung is number 5, Sewoon hyung is 4, and Youngmin and Jonghyun tied for 3 and Hwang Minhyun is 2-“ Jihoon began calculating as he looked across the room trying to understand. “Well it can’t be Daniel or Ong – those two are useless.”

“Well I think Woojin voted for one of them but – “ Daehwi paused for a very long time until Samuel threw a pillow in his face and Daehwi's expression deadpanned as his best friend in the show grinned cheekily at him. “Kim Samuel, would you do that to BoA if she was taking a long time with the ranking?”

“No but I’d definitely do that to you.” Donghyun joked. Daehwi’s deadpan expression turned onto him which only made the Brand New Music trainee laugh all the more.

“No wonder your ranking is so low.” Daehwi was hit in the face with another pillow.

“Dirt man-! Thank god you’re not hosting Produce101.” Samuel agreed. “Low blow.”

“I don’t cater to anyone's 'feelings' -“ 

“Just tell us who number one is!” Samuel finally groaned and Daehwi had to agree this conversation was getting incredibly long for something that should have been faster.

“Ah sure one sec –“ He reached the envelope that was tucked under Little Woojin’s hands as he dozed away on Haknyeon’s shoulder. To be fair, kid had a very small attention span but at least he had managed to accumulate all the votes secretly and safely.

Then again – what else did the kid have to do when Daniel was away?

“It’s- drumroll please losers.” All of his beloved loser friends acquiesced and started banging on the sides of the bunk beds. Lee Daehwi opened the envelope balking at the name in front of him- because to him it didn’t make sense.

This guy – no that wasn’t fair – this man – was all fear and intimidation and yet he had won by an apparent overwhelming margin of 5 guys in this squished room of theirs. “Who voted for Dongho hyung?” The rest of the room raised an eyebrow with how accusing Daehwi's tone of voice was. "Seriously guys? He's -" Daehwi doesn't really want to say what he thinks of the guy because - well - it's not very flattering and Daehwi can be extremely mean but only to people he really likes. 

Like that little idiot Donghyun of his who was dozing off by the curtains.

“Oh yeah! Dude’s amazing.” Haknyeon agreed softly caressing baby Woojin's hair. “He helped me find my cat, Princess, the other day.” Everyone in the room turned to look at him puzzled.

"Haknyeon...you're not supposed to bring pets." Samuel patted him lightly on the knee as Jinyoung resisted the urge to crack up loudly laughing right in Haknyeon's face. The guy looked honestly puzzled.

"I know that's what Dongho said too!" Daehwi exchanged a look with Jihoon - simultaneously both agreed. Kid needed help. 

Regardless of their resident airhead, Daehwi had to push back. This was an outrageous result! Number one hyung! Number one hyung! Hell he'd even give it to Yongguk hyung! And Yongguk was notorious for being an introvert - but the kind of introvert that ran away from all social contact!

To him, Kang Dongho had been nothing but scary from the beginning – first with the angry expression on his face on that first day he walked in. Trying to freak all the younger trainees out! It wasn't like they'd asked him to join and then his audition? God that was way worse, he'd let nerves get to him? NERVES? He was a professional, Daehwi couldn't understand that Kang Dongho, THE Kang Dongho had cracked at the first sign of pressure during his audition.

Sure Daehwi had pitied the guy a bit, hell everyone pitied Nu'est a bit. And almost everyone had heard Kang Dongho sing at some point – his demo tapes were passed around through the company offices often when tracks came up for release – but after seeing him in person - any admiration Daehwi had for his rather melodic voice was out the door. The guy was not a nice man.

“You know, the other day I was having trouble with this word and he helped me a lot...again." Guanlin explained wistfully from the corner where he'd ended up in an inevitable body smashing hug with Seonho who was hanging off the man like a sweater. “Well, if you think about it – he’s the best one. He doesn’t treat us like kids. He treats us like equals and respects us just as much.” 

“He won your arm wrestle match for you-“ Daehwi interjected.

“Yeah and he beat me and I still like him.” Haknyeon paused as if to contemplate his entire existence. “Wait- no, I don’t really understand why I like him – he just seems so reliable. Have you seen him smile? It's actually kind of nice - like a big bear.” If Daehwi was drinking something he would have sprayed it on the airhead.

“He’s a nice guy-“ Jinyoung agrees and at this point Daehwi feels like they’re just pulling shit out of their ass.

“He gave me rice once when I was complaining about being hungry!” Seonho chimes up happily. Well, of course give this kid free food-

Daehwi shook his bangs furiously. This it appeared was a losing battle. “You’re all mental – Kang Dong Ho- MOST DEFINITELY – is not the best.”

\-------------------


	2. Unapologetic

He doesn't think about Dongho anymore after "Number 1 Produce Hyung!" - after all, the team goes away on break and then comes back to the dorms ready for the position challenge.

It's finally a chance for him to shine as a vocal and he's ready. Sure, Lee Daehwi is no Jaehwan or Sewoon but he knows he has the smooth, honey coated vocals of a jazz singer who can make any soul on earth -  male or female or any gender of choice - melt into his hands with the right play of his voice.

So when he sees Playing with Fire, he's ridiculously happy. This song is everything he wants. It's bright, cheerful, a hit, and most importantly - a chance for him to shine without being in everyone's face. (He'd seen how being center had worked for him...not very well).

Plus as he watches the rest of the high ranked trainees come in he starts laughing. At least, he's not stuck in that fuckfest on the side where the popular trainees are all basically shooting themselves in the foot for choosing 'Get Ugly'.

Samuel and Jihoon are looking at each other like they're sizing each other up for battle - he can practically hear the historical drama music from here.

Conversely, Daniel and Ong are shrieking happily grabbing onto each other like two kids who found treasure - in each other. How cute.

Hyungseob looks like he'd rather be anywhere else than there banging his head against the makeshift wall until the studio hand comes and warns him not to do that cause his head is kind of heavy and he's making a  lot of noise.

The first member to walk towards him is Sewoon and he beams brightly. The better the vocals on his team - the better he'll shine in the background.

Then Choi Minki walks in and Daehwi really starts to get excited because a) if he had to pick one - Minki would be his favourite Nu'est guy and b) Minki was the perfect blend of performance and vocal. Hell, if anything he might learn something from the guy.

He's convinced that this is going to be an amazing stage...and then it's finally time for them to get a fourth person.

Somehow, even if there's no revelation the moment Kang Dongho walks in through the makeshift entrance -  Daehwi knows he's screwed. When he thinks about it, Daehwi knows there's no other vocal song that will suit the guy. Downpour? Please. Spring Day...sure but he'd already sang BTS. Everything else was heavy on ballad and light on personality.

And that is not Kang Dongho...who's walking towards him with a teasing grin on his face that did make him look more innocent than anything else for now.

Daehwi feels his heart sink as he realizes that the board in Dongho's hands most definitely says “Playing with Fire”.

Then he flips it around and Daehwi’s suspicions are confirmed. _Well...shit_ is all he can think as Dongho high fives all of them and takes his place at the end of their line up immediately conversing animatedly with Minki who he's obviously happy to reunite with on stage.

Daehwi resists the urge to roll his eyes as he exchanges a look with Sewoon who is, as usual, indifferent to things and playing a game on his phone.

Things will be fine, they'll be great. He really tries to assure himself of this. It's not like Dongho is crazy - nothing's going to happen. They'll be fine. They'll be great! They'll be legen-fucking-dairy.

But then things go wrong...pretty much right away.

When they're settling down for their team meeting, one of the studio hands comes to them with an expression on his face that makes Daehwi very scared.

They’re told Minki’s not getting a mic and of course immediately Dongho is ticked off. Daehwi can’t blame him but he also doesn’t think he’s being very mature or professional given he should be happy he's getting an opportunity Minki is not. The argument between Dongho and the camera team doesn’t really stop until finally Minki interjects and grabs Dongho’s hand whispering something in his ear.

Daehwi decides he's going to be quiet. So quiet, if there was a mouse here, he wouldn't even shriek bloody murder. He doesn't need to give the audience another reason to hate him after 'The Avengers'.

Minki and Dongho both exchange a look and Dongho’s anger simmers down. He still looks upset but not as much as he was before. “I don’t give a fuck by the way.” Those are the only words Daehwi's able to catch from their relatively private conversation. Minki seems resolutely determined to relax now that he has not much to say or do – at least for the cameras.

“Well – I do give a fuck Dongho. You have the voice of an angel and I’m going to make sure it’s heard all around the world because you’re my sugar honey bunny.”

“Do you guys always talk like this? Jesus Christ-“ Sewoon starts as Minki grins brightly at him turning on a charm that Daehwi had never seen in person and almost forgotten existed in the guy.

“Our lord and saviour.” Minki snaps his fingers brightly in front of Sewoon’s face. “So are we going to do this or what squad?” He turns his attention towards Dongho and Daehwi wonders how the camera thinks they're okay not capturing the gold that is sassy Minki.

Daehwi kind of wants an autograph now.

But it seems like the cameras have a story in plan for them already…not that Daehwi minds. Dongho kicks off the discussion because they’re all sitting a bit silently awkward after the outburst. Daehwi thinks it's only fair given that the guy is the one who created this hostile atmosphere in his perfect team.

Daehwi really finds himself wondering if it wouldn’t just be best that he wasn’t in this group. Minki he has no problem with, Minki knows how to be aggressive without anger – Dongho on the other hand he’s not too sure of. He still remembers the way the guy looked at him in BIL, and the way he crushed his hand – to be fair his strength was his biggest strength. Daehwi hadn’t even bothered to try to defeat him because a) he never had won an arm wrestle before and b) Dongho seems like the type of guy who would break your wrist on T.V.

“Do you want to be the leader?” Dongho asks him pointedly and Daehwi wonders yet again – in what universe does he look like a leader?

Then again – he is pretty bossy maybe he'd be a great leader! But sure as hell, not for this group.  “Hmm, what would be a better way to decide this?” He looks pointedly at Sewoon. Dongho is out, he barely trusts the guy given his outburst on the mic issue. Minki has no mic and he sure as hell isn’t up for the task – calm, rational, hilarious Sewoon is not the leader they deserve (that title is reserved for Jisung hyung, his own personal vote for "Number 1 Produce Hyung!") but he’s the leader they need.

“Hyung, you don’t want to be leader?” Sewoon is willing to give it up, though honestly Daehwi can’t tell if he wants to or not. That awkward laugh of his hides  a lot. Minki’s cackling in the back because he knows this situation is weird as fuck. Daehwi wants to  laugh too but he has a mic...damn it.

“I can be the leader – but it’s fine if, you know, one of you want to be the leader.” Maybe Dongho feels guilty – like he’s trying to throw them a bone.

In the end, it’s decided unanimously that Sewoon is the leader even though Dongho doesn’t really agree right away. Daehwi has to probe him for the nod. It’s almost like he’s knocked out of a daze and for the first time – Daehwi finds himself smiling at the guy. Thank god for little gestures.

Then it moves onto main vocal and lo and behold – Kang Dongho wants to be the vocal. Sewoon asks him but Daehwi backs off – he knows what he has to do this episode. His CEO warned him that after last time he should stay off the radar, minimize his airtime but stay relevant in the performance to show off his skill. He should have been the one without the mic, in all honesty. He didn't even want to talk much!

Minki looks drunk as he bursts out laughing that Dongho is just handed center. “Well you did always want to be center…and you did lose all that weight. Do well Dongho-ya.”

“It was baby fat, you jerk.” Dongho appealed, a tinge of red touching his cheeks but he looks incredibly happy anyways at the compliment and the idea of a slightly chubbier Dongho makes Daehwi smile to himself.

“It isn’t baby fat if it’s around after you grow up.” Daehwi joked as Minki threw him a high five. Daehwi was grateful for Choi Minki because honestly if he wasn’t around- he shuddered to think of what Dongho would be like...but then in another way Dongho may never have been incited to be angry should their fourth member have a mic.

Still, Daehwi's fears of the older man are once again brought to fruition when they start discussing the arrangement. Dongho and Sewoon begin talking about guitars, and rock music and the backtrack and-

Daehwi and Minki start playing rock paper scissors.

They know that nothing they say is going to change anything anyways - at least not between Stubborn and Stubborner and it’s not like they’re being filmed. Minki doesn’t have a mic on- and in some ways Daehwi’s grateful. It affords him the privacy to ask questions like this - “Is he always like that?”

“Pretty much, so annoying right?” Minki jokes back as Dongho throws him a look he ignores. Daehwi laughs – maybe that was the type of thing you could only do after being with someone for 6 years.

God, 6 years - in 6 years he'd be 23. “What was it like for you guys?”

“Coming here?” Minki replied as Daehwi nodded. To be honest, the moment he heard of it – he was kind of selfish. He thought it was unfair and cruel to the real trainees who were on the show – but then he was also sure his CEO had made a deal for him to be featured prominently on the show so that was also unfair and cruel to the other trainees.

In their own way, Nu’est had an advantage and so did he. “Yeah, I mean, did you actually want to?”

Minki’s smile drops for a second before it comes back up. “Let me tell you a little secret center boy…you’re going to have to do a whole lot of things you don’t want to- hair, makeup, concepts, aegyo- the list will go on. So, yeah, we had to come but want – well for us, it’s different, it’s all need and I hope you Daehwi never have to feel that need.” Minki ruffles his hair kindly and then gestures to Dongho. “That guy there – he’s not doing this for himself. None of us are doing this for ourselves. We’re doing it for each other because if Dongho gets attention, I do, Minhyun does, Jonghyun does – we all get saved by each other. So don’t look at him too badly – he’s just trying to make sure I survive- and he is talented enough to get the song in a good spot as the main vocal. Trust me.”

He knows Minki is trying to be serious with him in the only way he can- but Daehwi knows there are cameras rolling - so he settles for the most fluff response he can think of. “Can I be your son?” 

Minki coos. “No thanks, I don’t do “sons” but let’s be low-key acquaintances.” Daehwi bursts out laughing. “I’m not joking.”

“I know, that makes it so much better because I don’t like the concept of "hyungs"...except maybe Jisung...that's it though!” Minki looks at him with one eyebrow raised, Daehwi returns the eyebrow and with that they both burst into laughter despite the frustration of Sewoon and Dongho who are now both looking at them like they’re the bad kids in class.

“Can we try harmonizing?” Sewoon asks with a tone of desperation in his voice. Daehwi doesn’t blame him – Seonho’s angel team is harmonizing beside them giving them major anxiety. Seonho sees him looking over and grins brightly and waves at him. Kenta calls him out for being a distracted puppy and Daehwi can see Seonho frown and go back to work.

In the end, nothing goes as planned for their team. They go in front of the music director and his team. They throw a bunch of kapow at them that doesn’t land. Minki tries to grab Dongho’s hand when he sees him getting frustrated but that doesn’t really work and then- to Daehwi’s horror Dongho unleashes something else – but this time on camera and straight at Sewoon.

Daehwi wants to say something, he really does, but he looks at Minki who gives him one look and he shuts up. If Minki’s keeping quiet, even without a mic on – that must mean he really needs to be careful. He understands Dongho’s frustration, if Daehwi was more valued in the composition discussion he may have even been as angry as Dongho was in the musical director's room but- Dongho just doesn’t seem to care.

He’s unapologetically himself and that’s what Daehwi’s learned through seeing him get visibly upset.

He never filters, and he never waters down – he’s 100% real. And that’s something that Daehwi can admire- just a bit.

Their discussion goes on so late that the camera crew has to stay behind with them at the vocal room. Eventually they tell them to go to bed- and so Daehwi trudges back to the dorms with the three waking corpses. Sewoon looks exhausted, Dongho just looks frustrated and Minki- as usual – looks a bit drunk.

“Sewoon, walk with me. Let’s have a long nice chat about a bunch of stuff that doesn’t really matter – like how do you really feel about Lady Gaga?” Daehwi sputters back a laugh surprised to find that beside him, Kang Dongho is laughing as Minki has reached for Sewoon’s wrists and dragged him away.

And then it’s just the two of them…and despite himself Daehwi feels his neck getting hot because he’s nervous, and a bit scared. Dongho is not someone to be trifled with and he also doesn’t really want to get involved in the mess between him and Sewoon. So they walk in silence for a bit, until approximately three minutes of awkward tension has passed and Kang Dongho finally sighs deeply and pauses their quiet walk. Reflexively Daehwi stops beside him but he doesn’t look right at him. “Yah, Lee Daehwi- be honest you’re really scared of me aren’t you?”

“What? You?!" He's obviously lying. "No! Hyung never! You're the best!” He is so scared but - Daehwi is not going to admit that. After all, he has some pride too. Besides you never tell the lion in front of you that you’re scared, you just try to trick it or you know pull your shoulders up Choi Minki style and try to scare it off.

Suddenly, a lot of the things Minki does make a lot more sense to him. “I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable today – Minki, well I don’t have to worry about how he feels because he knows but you don’t really need to be put in that sort of position and you gave up center to me. I know that must have been hard for you.”

It really wasn't and this was a great opportunity for him to get leverage over Kang Dongho but after spending the day glued to Minki's side he was a bit more understanding of their situation. “Actually – in case you haven’t heard everyone hates me right now. I'd probably make a HORRIBLE center for the group. It's good it's you.”

“Ah nice – me too don't worry...or haven't you heard?” Dongho laughed. “I’m the jungle man who even slaps my own face around.” At that call out, he pretended to hit his cheeks and Daehwi sputtered back a laugh.

“Well…you are kind of…stubbly.” Daehwi pointed at his own jaw to indicate where the stubble would lie.

“Don’t worry kid – you’ll go through puberty one day.” Dongho teased him as Daehwi dropped his jaw in mock shock.

“Why – I never-“

Dongho wasn’t done though, he tucked his hands into his shorts and started walking again. This time, as Daehwi walked with him, he didn’t feel tempted to look at the ground instead…Dongho’s smiling face was a lot better than that other expression he had anyways and it seemed at least for tonight, angry Dongho had already gone to bed. “I’m sorry I called you out on that doubling thing when we first started talking - it wasn't a good way to bring it up in front of the cameras.”

“The guys just didn’t have that much vocal power. I had to help out to round out the sound." He shrugged as Dongho nodded.

“But your team had voting power…I should have let it fly but…” Daehwi finds his mind flashing back to Minki and his haphazard attitude, Minhyun’s calculated risks, Jonghyun’s selflessness and Dongho’s nature – and he realizes this is Kang Dongho's way to cope with their situation. It’s not the best, but like everything else about Kang Dongho, it’s unapologetically him.

“It’s okay…I know. It’s hard.”  He doesn’t need Dongho to say anymore because, and Daehwi himself is shocked to see this, he understands the desperation in him. If he’s been this desperate to debut after years and years of training – he can’t imagine what it would be like for Dongho.

After all – it hurts much more to debut and be unsuccessful and Dongho has thrown so much away he doesn’t need to throw another apology in Daehwi’s direction for something he cannot change or affect. They’re silent for a bit but as they finally reach the dorms Dongho nods his head. “You’re a good kid, Daehwi. Thanks…I’ll try to make things easy for all of us.”

“Fighting!” Daehwi grins up pushing his hand in the air.

He's shocked that Daehwi's so energetic. “You’re Minki’s long lost son aren’t you?”

“Ah, I don’t do hyungs.” He flips his hair jokingly happy to see he's only making the guy smile wider. Little victories that could be won.

“Oh god you really are his lost son.” Dongho laughs pulling him in for a quick one-arm hug. In between laughs though, Dongho manages to string together four words- four VERY scary words - “You’re cute Lee Daehwi!”

And that’s when Daehwi feels it for the first time.

His heart just skipped a beat...for Kang Dongho of all people.

\----------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love so far! I'm going to try to update as soon as possible :)


	3. Inching

 When Daehwi wakes up though, it’s all okay.

He brushes his teeth. He showers and he even manages to convince himself as the water’s slipping over his hair that it was just a fluke.

Kang Dongho is fine and all - but god that- THAT- no _that’s_ totally impossible. He isn’t even going to acknowledge _that_ because let’s be real the guy isn’t even his type and there’s too much at risk here to explore further.

“Thanks but no thanks Kang Dongho. You can exit stage right!” This is stupid, now he’s talking to himself in the mirror. Thank god, no one else is in the room.

He yawns widely feeling exhaustion setting into his bones. It didn’t help that he hadn’t slept much after coming back yesterday but tonight was going to be different. He had decided. Yesterday night was also a fluke! 

So he would boss himself around - there would be no more sleepless nights, no more thoughts of those scary four words and definitely no imagining that man with the deadly grin saying them softly into his ears like the most anti-lullaby you ever heard.

Daehwi leaves his room, the last one to trudge to breakfast, waving at all the trainees who have already finished and are leaving the cafeteria hall as he picks up his food.

“Ah Daehwi! Come here!” When he hears his name called out his first instinct is to look towards where Brand New Music is sitting – but it doesn’t appear that they’re calling for him. “Daehwi- here!” His eyes scan the room and that’s when he sees the person calling him over.

It’s Minki.

Minki is asking him to have breakfast…with Nu’est. In fact, now the blonder boy has lost all sense of propriety as he’s standing on the chair waving blindly at him. Well, fuck, now he had no option. Was Sewoon sitting with them as well?

A quick perusal of the table, which really only had Nu’est and the CUBE chicks, told him that no-  Sewoon is at the Brand New table. He's cracking up beside Donghyun as they tease Youngmin about something. Big Woojin and little Woojin rounded out the full table with big Woojin ignoring the rest of them as he was prone to.

His regular table is already so full, he’d hardly be able to fit – so well, why not Nu’est right? He could sit there! In fact, technically if he didn’t it would look really really bad…this was about impressions. Not about the slowly building fear in his heart that Kang Dongho was going to eat his face alive for breakfast and, damn it, Daehwi is sure if that ever actually happened he was going to enjoy it way too much.

He starts walking towards the table, the hair on the back of his neck prickling with the attention of the other trainees who have never seen Choi Minki so openly ask for someone to come and sit with Nu’est. The other guys? Sure! But Choi is definitely more reserved than the rest of them.

“Daehwi anneyong!” Minhyun greets him as he approaches the table. For just a second, Daehwi is blinded by how perfect his angles are. He doesn’t really know the guy but damn – what a visual. 

On Minhyun’s other side, is the maknae line betrayer and overall physical affection addict Seonho. “Daehwi anneyong!” Puppyho grins up at him from the other side of the table where Minhyun is – oh dear god – pouring soup into his mouth from his bowl?

The most awe inspiring thing was they hadn't managed to make a complete mess- but if Daehwi observed correctly Jonghyun looks a bit ticked off as he glances between Minhyun and Guanlin who he’s talking animatedly to about their position song.

A deeper voice breaks through his observation of those seated at the table. “Don’t mind them – they’re always like that nowadays.” Daehwi barely manages to stifle a squeak of shock as he realizes Kang Dongho is speaking right at him – and the seat he’s going to be taking is right across the object of his mental confusion.

Their eyes lock as he takes his seat and his heart lurches into his throat blocking any intelligent conversation from making it’s way out of him.

To be fair, Kang Dongho isn’t doing anything that ridiculous that should be making him react like this. The guy is literally just eating some rice, licking grains off the edge of his lips, holding a hand up- waving at him – saying something to him. Shit, Daehwi pay attention! “I know you don’t normally sit with us so-“ He gestures towards the table where the Brand New Trainees and Sewoon have their eyes glued to him.

When Daehwi turns to look at his friends they all scatter and pretend they’re talking about something hilarious. They almost pulled it off except for Big Woojin who came off looking extremely confused and even waved at him at one point.

Creeps.

Daehwi wants to laugh but he settles for a smile as he looks at his friends and then back at Dongho shaking his head. “Ah no I’m fine here- thanks. This is nice!”

“Really?” Minki asks teasingly. “I heard something about a ranking of some sort though – and how you were really REALLY upset because the rankings just weren’t how you envisioned them.” Minki teases him as Guanlin’s jaw drops in shock, obviously not having been involved in any revelations of the top secret "Number 1 Produce Hyung" rankings.

On the other hand, Seonho immediately tries to hide thereby making his new title _**‘the Ho not to be trusted’.**_

Daehwi flushes a bright red. He’s going to kill Seonho. That’s it. Kid did this to himself.

He turns to look at the shit disturber on the table. That piece of junk he calls his friend is slumbering away on Minhyun’s shoulder obviously pretending to sleep -

“Don’t listen to Minki, he’s just an evil stepmother and messing with you.” Jonghyun interrupts kindly placing a comforting hand on his.

“And Daehwi’s Cinderella?” Minki raises an eyebrow. “Oh – what a development – one of us obviously is the prince. We’re the hottest ones here.” He teases and before Daehwi can stop himself he feels his eyes glance over to Kang Dongho and is surprised to find the man is looking at him first.

Well, fuck. Now his face is red hot and his hands are ice cold.

God, why the hell did he have to look at the guy when Minki said that?

Be cool Daehwi, be cool.

He’s about to reply with something witty but Dongho ends up being the one who speaks first. “No – this is a sadder story where you’re the only person who exists…and you die alone.” Dongho manages to bring about laughs from everyone on the table as Minki huffs. Daehwi shoots him a grateful look followed by an equally apologetic look. Dongho just smiles and shrugs it off in a manner that Daehwi finds incredibly attractive. “Don’t worry we’re cool."

“I’m still hungry.” Seonho announces sadly but Daehwi finds it hard to believe he’s actually sad and more that he’s a very unconvincing actor that CUBE needs to train more. Kid really couldn’t keep shit in his stomach.

When Dongho gets into action to feed the little chick, Daehwi can’t help but feel a bit jealous. “Ah, okay okay – here.” Dongho passes over his entire piece of fish to Seonho, who grins widely, so wide that Minki also passes his fish on until eventually everyone’s fish except for Daehwi’s is in Seonho’s plate.

He's not feeding _**the Ho that can't be trusted.**_

Guanlin and Daehwi exchange a look where the Taiwanese boy shrugs. Even he can’t explain why Seonho has Nu’est wrapped around his fingers.

Daehwi has to admit - he didn’t think Dongho would be kind enough to release food to the younger boy and looking closer at Dongho's plate he realizes that Dongho barely had any food to begin with and practically none now that he was feeding elephant Ho there.

Before Daehwi can think more about it, his hands move automatically to breaking up his one piece into two. “Eat more or you won’t be able to sing properly today.” Daehwi passes half of the fish to Dongho without asking for his permission.

Dongho looks stupefied. In fact, most of the table has turned to look at Daehwi oddly. “What?! I’m taking care of my center! He has to sing really well today in front of the trainers or we don’t get a good edit with the camera!”

“I think that’s the first time anyone has ever tried to ‘take care’ of Dongho.” Minhyun chuckles throwing Jonghyun a look that Daehwi doesn’t understand. “I like this one Dongho – are you just collecting all the good ones now?”

Jonghyun almost spits his soup out at how wrong that sounds. Daehwi bursts out laughing and then they finish up breakfast laughing and mostly trying to teach Guanlin how to pronounce the words that he’s written in his rap.

When they’re walking towards the vocal practice room, Minki pulls Daehwi back and Daehwi learns that he wasn’t just invited to the Nu’est table because of his incredible personality. “Look – to be honest Sewoon wasn’t very receptive yesterday and I didn’t get through to him – can you just stand on Dongho’s other side when we're singing to the trainers today?”

“He’s not really going to fight anyone!” Daehwi exclaims almost protectively. He's forced to remind himself that despite the confusing feelings he's having for Kang Dongho right now - Minki still knew the guy better than anyone else on their team. “Is he?”

“No, god no! Dongho’s not that bad, he just suffers from ‘I-don’t-think-before-I-speak’ … but if you’re there on one side reminding him that he has an obligation to portray you in a nice light he might hold himself back from saying too much – he’s just too used to me to give a fuck.” Minki laughs but then with a weaker voice adds softly. “I hope I get a mic today.”

It’s the first time Daehwi has heard sadness in Minki’s voice.

It isn’t fair.

Things don’t start off badly in the vocal training session - Minki gets a mic – and Daehwi finds himself even more moved now that he’s really paying attention to the words coming out of Dongho’s mouth. The guy actually cares, he cares a lot- and he’s paid attention to every small detail of the music sheets in front of them and Daehwi feels bad for ever doubting his ability.

Once he’s done talking to the trainers, Dongho looks to Minki and Sewoon for agreement and Daehwi wants to crack up laughing at the awkward expression in Sewoon’s face and a “are you fucking kidding me?” expression on Minki’s.

Daehwi thinks that he's starting to understand him a bit more. Dongho is trying hard to be kind and showcase that they’re a team that has discussed this and agreed upon these things together but it comes off looking weak and like they have no direction. Daehwi almost feels bad when the trainers scold Dongho for coming in without a clear vision.

Then Sewoon comes in talking about a guitar and Daehwi sings along when the trainers ask him to- but even he can sense the tension in Dongho building already. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Minhyun itching to do something from his spot on the floor with the Downpour team. In the end, Minhyun settles for staring at Dongho, pleading with extremely expressive eyes for his friend to be more relenting, and flexible.

Regardless - their team in the end does the sing along and the vocal trainer squad pitches up fan tents since Sewoon’s guitar is all they really wanted to hear in the first place. Not that it's bad, their team has finally gotten the praise they’ve been looking for this whole time. Even their slaved upon arrangement gets approved – and they all walk back to the vocal practice rooms with a skip in their step.

Sewoon and Dongho go in first and bond over the guitar, and Daehwi and Minki go get coffee because Minki wanted a latte and Daehwi wanted a frappucino. To which, Minki wildly exclaimed that one day soon it would go to his hips, and Daehwi flipped his favourite Nu’est boy the bird when the cameras weren’t looking.

“Ah, you guys are back?” Dongho exclaims smiling as they walk back into the room. This space is pretty tight but compared to the dancers they didn’t need as much space so it made sense. Daehwi feels the smile on his face drop when Dongho reaches for the frappucino and takes three, very long, drawn out sips. He is both angry and in awe of how the guy managed to finish half his drink in 30 seconds flat. “Thanks Daehwi!”

“Dude…I just gave you half of my fish at breakfast! I didn’t promise half of all my meals.” Daehwi frowns a little as the frappucino is handed back to him and he sips it dejectedly.

He is not ready for Dongho's response. “What’s mine is yours.” Daehwi almost chokes on his drink. Dongho grins cheekily. Even Sewoon cracks up as Daehwi stares at Dongho in a mix of incredulity and confusion but it’s not because he’s appalled that the guy has no concept of personal belongings.

It’s because Daehwi is trying incredibly hard right now to shake off the fluster he’s feeling from imagining sharing a whole lot more than a frappucino with him. “All good?” Dongho asks him and Daehwi rolls his eyes.

“No, you’re kind of a cheat…if I post this on twitter will you get antis?”

“So petty.” Dongho teases him back.

Daehwi feels a smile escape from his lips as he’s trying his best not to laugh. “Sewoon – when he’s not angry isn’t Kang Dongho pretty cool?” Daehwi retorts only half pretending to talk to Sewoon because really he’s looking at Dongho the entire time he says it, lips tucked into themselves to give off his best serious expression.

“Minki, don’t you think that this kid has too much confidence? He can talk like that about his hyung in front of him?” Dongho fakes a gruff tone of voice that has Minki gagging.

Minki is having none of it. “If you guys are done with whatever the hell that was - then can we get back to singing please and thanks!” Daehwi feels happy when Dongho looks straight at him covering his smiling mouth and they exchange snickers as Sewoon and Minki shake their heads.

“Sickening.” Sewoon agrees rolling his eyes.

“Disgusting.” Minki affirms and Daehwi is just about to retort that they’re no better when a studio hand opens the door in front of them and looks straight at him.

“Daehwi! Can you come with me for a second? Ahn PD wants to see you.” Daehwi nods his head gingerly as he gulps back a knot in his throat. Shit, has he done something wrong? Do they have footage of him pining after Kang Dongho and now he has to leave the show because they are worried for Dongho’s safety?

Okay that is a stretch, but it does nothing to calm his nerves until he sees Ahn PD relaxing near the front of the editing team who were eating lunch in the cafeteria. “Ah Daehwi! Nice to see you. Have a seat.” Daehwi gingerly takes a seat as directed. It’s not like he’s not familiar with Ahn PD and how the guy works.

When he was center he had a lot of discussions with him simply because he had to act and behave a certain way for the camera – and he had spoken to him on the phone once before coming on the show.

“It’s nice to see you again as well.” Daehwi bows his head in respect. “What is this about?”

“Ah, just we wanted to talk to you about your group dynamic – we have a responsibility to the viewers and to the trainees- to show them appropriately – what is your opinion of Kang Dongho?”

“He’s nice.” He responds without thinking twice. Whatever Ahn PD was expecting, it wasn’t this response. “Is that it?”

A bit flustered from his quick answer, Ahn PD doesn’t really answer as he nods along and sends Daehwi on his way with a RELAY Camera. Daehwi kills time with Taehyun and Moonbok because RELAY means he can basically fool around and do nothing while distracting the dance teams who had a lot more practice to do than him.

When he enters the dance room, his eyes are immediately assaulted by the visual of Samuel tackling Daniel to the floor which honestly - looks wrong.  “What are you guys even doing?”

“What does it look like we’re doing?” Samuel half breathes out as he manages to get pulled under Daniel. What kind of fight was this?

“You’re encouraging this?” Daehwi turns to Seongwoo who is indifferent and observing the iPad practice videos.

“It’s just exercise.”

“That looks like low-key grinding but sure let's just ignore all that –“ Daehwi turns to Jihoon who is playing around with another relay cam. “You’re winking again?! Haven’t you stolen enough hearts anyways?! Come on man, leave some votes for us.”

“NEVER. There aren’t enough in Korea!” And then Jihoon does the most ridiculous thing and turns to Daehwi and winks right at him. Obviously intent on making him say something incredibly cheesy.

Daehwi laughs. “Please, that’s not stealing anything from me –“

“Oh – someone already has his heart!” Samuel jokes from the floor. “Daehwi who, who, who?”

Big Woojin, ever the voice of reason amongst crazies, quietly explains. “I don’t think that's what Daehwi meant.”

His comment goes unheard as Daehwi’s accosted by his crazy friends...and Daehwi is a shitty liar so he manages to just run away instead of head on confront their questions.

His escape is successful and he ends up back in the practice room, where a few minutes after they start singing Jaehwan comes in for his relay cam  and makes Dongho and Daehwi re-enact their scare scene.

For a second, Daehwi looks at Dongho and then he laughs and creeps into the corner of his shoulder – inciting laughs from everyone around them.

Everything’s going really well – he can be friends with ‘the guy’ he’s sure of it – maybe even treat him with a bit of respect once in a while but then it happens.

Dongho's fingers rest just lightly on his shoulders, barely even on but that infurating jolt that came yesterday is back and even stronger than it was before. In fact, he feels like he can't breathe for a bit until Daehwi forces himself to calm down. This time the jolt is accompanied by a desire...because Dongho's hands feel like they're unsure of resting there on camera which leads Daehwi’s mind to wander into what they could do off-camera if they only got the chance.

Lee Daehwi is scared again – but this time of himself.

He really needs help...and maybe Kang Dongho does need protection.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uwah...this whole updating once a day is working so far! Tg, I will try my best tomorrow as well!
> 
> Also -> note I am not beta-ing these so if you guys see any errors please let me know :)
> 
> as always thank you for all of the love!!!


	4. Lacrimosa

>  

The next day is a little better.

At breakfast Daehwi chooses to sit on the side of the table with Guanlin and Seonho, which means that he is as far away from the Nu’est boys as possible.

“How’s practice going?” He asks Guanlin while slurping up some seaweed soup.

Disregarding the fact that Daehwi was actually speaking to his friend, Yoo Seonho perks up. “I am so good at singing, I am basically all vocal now and totally a pro – right hyung?” Seonho looks for his validation from Hwang Minhyun who only ruffles his hair lightly without really answering Seonho’s question.

“Seonho- I need my hand to eat.” Seonho has latched on tightly to Minhyun's arm but, at request, he lets go smiling brightly. Instead he finds a new victim, Daehwi, who throws him a dirty look but is unable to shake him off entirely.

Stubborn puppy.

“It’s fine, I have a bit more English there than I’d like.” Guanlin finally answers.

Jonghyun speaks up to comfort his center. “That’s fine - most people will understand it’s not like you’re using complicated words. Besides, you have to stand out and English helps you do that - but to be honest you already kind of do.”

“Our Guanlin’s so handsome.” Dongho remarks from the end of the table smiling happily at Guanlin who beams at the comment. “Don’t worry so much – you have us. You’ll do well.”

“Of course he will – have you seen his face?” Seonho remarks rolling his eyes at everyone’s concern for the most good looking boy at the table. If Guanlin just stood there and did nothing he would still get a crazy amount of votes.

“Don’t go around saying stuff like that. It’s weird.” Guanlin mumbles but he looked ridiculously happy anyways, red in the face as Seonho scoffs at his fellow trainee.

“This guy likes to pretend like he doesn’t kiss himself in the mirror at night...but he totally does.”

“THAT WAS ONE TIME.” Guanlin adamantly elaborates. “AND YOU DARED ME TO DO IT.”

“I have it taped…for blackmail…and obviously because I'll need it later for variety when we finally debut because Guanlin and I will be together for the rest of our lives so I have to do this to him.” Seonho blows an affectionate kiss towards Guanlin who simply groans and ducks his head under the table asking himself in Chinese how he got stuck with this guy?

Jonghyun snickers beside him, exchanging a quiet grin with Minhyun. “Were we this cute?” He leans a bit forward towards Minhyun who shakes his head.

“Probably not. Seonho is a special brand of cute.”

Daehwi turns his deadpan expression on Seonho, who is wiggling his eyebrows at him extremely proud at all the flattery on the table for him. “Why are you doing that? It's weird. You're weird.”

“I know. Do I need a reason?”

“Kid – you are too much. But we need to get leaving guys?” Minki calls out as he looks at Sewoon who’s almost ready at the Brand New table. They’re going to a studio today and working with instruments. Seonho immediately gobbles up a healthy portion of his soup and grabs a spoon of rice from each man on the table and runs towards the Spring Day team.

Then Minhyun bows and takes his leave for Downpour and then it’s just them again as they bid Jonghyun and Guanlin goodbye.

Playing with Fire. Daehwi, Minki and Dongho.

Daehwi feels his throat tighten a bit but he’s resolved to make this avoid Dongho thing work properly today.

When they walk into the studio room and Daehwi sees his first love, time stops for him.

He immediately leaps forward towards the piano.

It had been too damn long and despite everything else going on around them that he should be paying attention to - he seats himself at the bench and begins fiddling around with the keys.

Yes, this is what he was missing. This was grounding him – focusing his attentions on the perfection that was music – and his whole reason for chasing this ridiculous dream. From LA to Japan to JYP, JYP to Brand New and Brand New to here –

“That’s not half bad,” Seonho jokes peeping up from behind the piano, eyes wiggling as he comes and sits down beside him. Right, they're sharing this room with Spring Day.

Daehwi lets the puppy do this despite the fact that he’s still upset with him. Daehwi's hostility must have been really clear because Seonho is addressing it openly. “Is it a big deal that I told them? It was just a joke anyways, right?”

“Yoo Seonho, if it’s not food that’s okay – but keep some things in your stomach.” Seonho starts laughing as Daehwi looks at him with an expression of mild shock and disgust. Minki pops his head out from behind the piano.

“He’s right Seonho, you’re going to get fat one day.” Seonho looks like he’s going to crumble from distress.

“But – it’d be so worth it. Have you tasted FOOD when it’s put in your mouth?”

“No – I am not human, I am a robot.” Daehwi speaks in a tone of voice so flat it makes both Minki and Seonho snicker and Daehwi smiles to himself.

From afar, he’s vaguely aware of Dongho yelling. “You're playing Lacrimosa? Daehwi, are you trying to kill all of us?”

“Just the puppy beside me! This is his death track!” He joked back as Seonho frowned at him, with eyes so large that Daehwi was forced to feel his anger at the kid melting away. He grabbed him by the shoulders and spoke straight. “From now on Yoo Seonho, just don’t be such a blabbermouth.”

Minki raises an eyebrow. “That makes me wonder, what else does Seonho know?”

“I know nothing – Daehwi trusts Samuel the most. Ask him.” Daehwi bangs his head against the piano as Minki giggles.

“Relax little Daehwi – your secrets are safe with me. If I can get them out of Samuel-”

“I have no secrets. I’m center, that’s when my life started and that’s it –“

“He knows Jeon Somi!” Seonho squeals happy that he could contribute again. “Yo, can I have her number?”

“And what are you going to do with that number?” Daehwi can see it now, if they were ever to meet. Somi and Seonho would basically just yap at each other. The Pomeranian and the Golden Retriever.

God, it would be a complete mess. He should definitely make it happen.

“You know Jeon Somi?” Sewoon exclaims excitedly coming over to them, all discussions with little Woojin left aside.

Suddenly Daehwi realizes that his audience has grown exponentially with that revelation. He’s also vaguely aware of Dongho standing right beside him but he tries not to let that distract him as he switches to the more peaceful Moonlight Sonata.

“She’s my best friend.” Daehwi gives up reluctantly to the group that is looking at him in awe and jealousy. “It became a bit of an issue when she asked people to vote for me. People thought she was using her influence too liberally.”

“Composer, center, visual, singer, dancer, friends with everyone – is there something you can’t do Daehwi?” Dongho is trying to be nice but Daehwi’s fingers stop playing the piano as he looks at him.

It’s weird that this guy is the one asking him this question. It makes him feel a bit weird.

He doesn’t say anything for a second or two as he contemplates how to respond.

There’s a lot of things he can’t do right now.

Then there's the fact that they’ll just be missed opportunities. This is really what is starting to bother him the more time he spends looking at Kang Dongho.

“Yeah, of course there’s things I can’t do.” He looks back at the piano letting his fingers flutter over the keys. “I can’t rap too well despite the fact I’m in Brand New. Rhymer almost didn’t let me in.” He finishes letting the audience laugh as he smiles weakly.

Even Dongho is laughing without a care in the world and in some strange stupid way that hurts Daehwi a bit.

Of course, Dongho is laughing! Why wouldn’t he be laughing? Daehwi made a joke! It was funny! It's not Dongho's fault that he doesn't know about the internal torment Daehwi is feeling or what Daehwi really wants to say to him.

This whole mess inside of Daehwi is completely one-sided anyways and escalating far too quickly for his liking.

Daehwi tries his best to pick his spirits up and is surprised when he finds Seonho’s arms cradling his shoulders as he switches to Claire De Lune, a piece that was a little less sad. “You okay?” Seonho asks softly in his ear as everyone scatters away from the piano. “I mean everything you’re playing is you know – sad stuff. Stuff I would fall asleep on when my teacher tried to make me play it.”

Daehwi doesn’t really feel okay – but he also doesn’t really feel comfortable sharing that with Seonho. He is, after all, the kid who can't keep anything in his mouth longer than a second.

Still, Daehwi is touched the boy noticed something other than his stomach, for once. He turns back and embraces him. “Yoo Seonho-“

“I know – I’m adorable. I’m the best. I’m forgiven?” Daehwi nods ruffling his dongsaeng’s hair. “I’m so perfect it makes you want to vote for me?”

“Let’s not go that far.” Daehwi laughs as Seonho playfully tightens his hold on Daehwi. “Yah, Seonho! Yoo Seonho! I can’t breathe! Kenta! Kenta, come take your puppy away!” Seonho laughs walking away willingly back to his team and Daehwi trudges off to the xylophone where his team has decided to convene and warm up.

There was no musical instrument less intimidating than the xylophone but he grabs the sticks and plays around with the key plates anyways for fun.

They sing some more Lady Gaga for warm up and Sewoon shows off his dance skills – Dongho bursts out laughing and rolls on the floor beside Minki.

Daehwi is just happy that Sewoon and Dongho aren’t fighting anymore. He has a moment where he feels like he’s stepped out of his body when he sees Minki and Sewoon tackle Dongho to the floor and tickle him.

Suddenly, this looks like exactly the dream team all the other trainees had said it might be.

He really is happy he ended up here. The four of them together, they look like they could take the world and more.

From a concept standpoint, Minki has this fabulous idea of chokers and glitter and sunglasses. This is of course completely rejected by Dongho and Sewoon.

Daehwi manages to convince them to at least wear the outfit. “It’ll be good! We’ll be like sexy business men who took off their suit jackets – Sorry Sorry with less clothes!”

"YES. Like strippers! With poles! This is so good AND we'll wear sunglasses!” Minki whips around sunglasses in his hair, eyebrows twirling up and down.

Their concept is finalized and there’s not much left to do- Minki and Sewoon want to rush off to bed to rest up before the performance but Daehwi hasn’t been in a music studio like this in a really long time so he waves them off along with the Spring Day team. As the room has emptied out, the videographer decides he wants to leave too.

Daehwi bids him goodbye – relieved that he has a moment away from the camera all to himself. He wants to play the piano for a bit longer.

He half expects Dongho to leave too but when he starts playing Dongho moves from the door to come and sit beside him. “You really like classical music, don’t you?”

“Do you know a lot of classical music? You recognized Lacrimosa.” Daehwi smiles back at him and Dongho rubs the back of his head as if he was trying his best to place the new track Daehwi was fiddling with.

“Well that was Mozart, I think? And this is ah- Nocturne?” Dongho mumbles softly as his fingers plant themselves on the lower range of keys and Daehwi is impressed as their fingers play together quietly in the studio.

‘Nocturne’ is no ‘Claire De Lune’ and for Dongho to know that, well, it just made him happy to know they had something in common.

“Did you learn as a kid?” Daehwi asks softly and Dongho shakes his head.

“As an adult, during our hiatus actually when I told my company I wanted to start composing and their solution was to stick me in a room with a piano for months.”

"Sounds like heaven." Daehwi says softly as he watches their hands move together.

“I’m still not as good as you but at least I can hold my own.”

Dongho is better than he thinks is what Daehwi wants to say…but he keeps his mouth shut because it won’t be entirely appropriate for him to make that remark and just playing beside him is enough for now. “I picked it up as a kid.” He supplies instead.

“Evidently. I can tell by the way your hands are moving you've been at this a long time.” Dongho looks at Daehwi carefully. Daehwi wonders if he looks too focused and tries to relax his fingers.  “Why did you want to become an idol anyways?”

“Money.” Daehwi answers immediately. That makes Dongho laugh. “My mom – well she’s not in the best of states and I want to support her- and I want to be in music for the rest of my life. This seemed like a good place to start.”

“It will be.”

“If I make it.”

“There’s no ifs there Daehwi –“ Dongho reassures him and they stop playing as Daehwi looks straight at him. “You’re a guarantee. You were center.”

“Nothing is guaranteed.” Daehwi corrects him and Dongho raises his eyebrows.

Dongho knows Daehwi is right and so he doesn’t try to tell the kid otherwise this time. Dongho has had to learn the hard way that things don't always turn out the best, even if all the signs are pointing to an entirely different outcome. “Have you always been this mature?”

“Well – if you were expecting another Seonho-“ Dongho shakes his head not quite smiling at him but nevertheless looking at him with a clarity that made Daehwi feel unsettled.

 “No- I just wasn’t - expecting you.” Dongho looks down at the piano quickly and Daehwi is glad because at least that means Dongho isn’t looking at him because Daehwi isn’t really sure what his face is like right now. Does he look worried?

Scared?

Happy?

He’s definitely feeling all of those things. “Why did you become an idol?” This response is safe. It’s a question anyone can ask Nu’est.

“Ah – money.” He answers back almost as quickly as Daehwi had. “I’m from a small part of Jeju – and well let’s just say my family doesn’t always do the best.”

“You’ll make it too.”

“I doubt it.” Dongho interrupts him before he can add on anything else. His words are innately negative but Dongho is smiling regardless. “That praise is rightfully reserved for our Hwang Minhyun and Kim Jonghyun – but I will have fun while I’m here and hey look! Aren’t we having fun together right now? I’m lucky I got to meet you!” There’s a tone of sadness in his voice that he’s trying his best to cover up. Dongho does a good job of that normally, Daehwi realizes. His smile is wide and pretty, with perfectly white straight teeth. It's a smile that makes it hard for anyone to look beyond the easy expression on his face.

Still – Daehwi sees it if he narrows his gaze just a bit. He shouldn’t try to but he does anyways. There’s a sense of failure that has set into Dongho’s facial features now.

He should say something. He should say it’s fine, he should be kind – but he knows there’s a grain of truth to everything they revealed today to each other and it wouldn’t be fair to discount it by white washing an ‘It’s Okay’ over their conversation because it really wasn’t sometimes.

So he does the only thing he can think of.

He hugs Kang Dongho…and he’s relieved.

At first he’s relieved, because there’s no jolt. There’s no raw desire despite the fact that this is the most they’ve ever touched each other.

But there is something else when Kang Dongho slacks lazily falling into his embrace without really returning it. He just lies there, head on Daehwi's shoulder arms at his sides as their knees touch on the bench.

In this moment, there is a calmness that has found it’s way into Daehwi’s heart. It’s not hammering away, scaring him – in fact if anything he feels like he’s finally level headed.

And that’s when he thinks for the first time that maybe – this is something more than just a little crush.

“Let’s go back?” Dongho murmurs. Daehwi feels his stomach churn at the sound of his voice as he nods and pulls away. He wants to look at Dongho – read his expression – ask him something – anything.

He doesn’t. He’s afraid of the answers he’ll get. They stand up, pack up and make their way back in silence.

As they make a move to enter the dorms, he’s surprised when suddenly Dongho speaks up. “Sorry.”

“You’re sorry?” Daehwi can't imagine why on earth he would be sorry. He hadn't done anything at all. “For what?”

“For making you feel bad.” This is the only excuse Kang Dongho can think of as to why Lee Daehwi would want to hug him. “I mean that’s not what I wanted. Not the hug. I mean – I didn’t want you to feel bad for me."

“I don’t feel bad for you.” Daehwi feels the need to correct him quickly before that's all he starts believing. Based on his expression, this does nothing for Kang Dongho because the man just looks more bewildered. “I just-“ He rubs his hair roughly. “I want you to believe in yourself…and be a little comforted. You’re not as alone as you think you are. You have them...Nu'est you know. You guys are all in the same boat.” Dongho lets out a small smile. “And…I’m there too. We’ll get to the end together.” 

Despite all odds, Daehwi sincerely and desperately hopes that’s true...and not just because of how he feels for Kang Dongho but because he honestly wants happiness for him.

And that should be scary.

But thankfully, after today, Lee Daehwi is no longer scared of anything he's feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit more serious and less fun! I hope you guys still enjoyed it! But I figured to move the story along I had to move Daehwi's feelings along!
> 
> Once again thank you all for all the love! Hope you enjoyed it!


	5. Spades, Diamonds, Clubs and Hearts

 

It’s the day of the performance and Daehwi has to force his way out of bed, trudging to breakfast...yet again sleep deprived.

Just as he’s about to go turn to his seat at the Nu’est table, he’s stopped by his best friend who has blocked the entrance to the cafeteria for no apparent reason other than to annoy the shit out of him. 

He likes Samuel, he really does - but today is not the day for a 'Samuel Says, Daehwi Does' segment. “’Muel ah- doushite?!”

Samuel, the confused child that he is, furrows his eyebrows and cocks his head sideways. “Did you stay up watching anime last night?”

“I did!” Daehwi needs something to do to distract himself from Kang Dongho. Anime wasn’t half bad. “My Japanese has been getting soft lately so thought I'd brush up by killing some time. Nande Nande Nande?” Daehwi groans loudly when Samuel pushes his shoulder lightly. “Itai yo – Muel-chan!”

"Why was I even worried about you?" Samuel shakes his head and Daehwi is confused...why would Samuel worry about him? HE was fine. HE was okay. HE was maybe a little bit - in love with a man who most probably thought of him as- well - a kid. “Seonho was on his balls all morning running back and forth between me and Minhyun- he was so insistent that I talk to you – ‘Samuel please go check on Daehwi!! I’m so worried because he looks like he’s gonna cry like a little fucking baby alllll the time! What a whip ass but please take care of my favourite weirdo!’" Despite the fact that Samuel was completely annihilating his character, Daehwi couldn't help but laugh because the gap in Samuel's English on camera and off was just too wide.

Whenever Samuel spoke English on camera, it was full of delicate words and exaggerated versions of the same **_‘OH MY GOD’_** _._

When it was off camera – god save the nun who had to hear the half Spanish American-half Korean, all Despacito speak. “Since I don’t think Seonho would use the word ‘balls’ in either English or Korean, what did Seonho actually say?”

“That you were playing some dark ass suicidal music in the studio last night?” Samuel crosses his arms over his chest. “Are you going to say that isn’t true?” Both Daehwi and Samuel know that Daehwi isn't going to tell Samuel shit. Not because he doesn't want to - but because Daehwi just doesn't tell anyone anything when it comes to his feelings.

He's a champagne type of guy. He preferred to age his frustration and then just explode all over everyone when they tried to get him to open up. God, that sounded perverted. “It can be argued that to Seonho’s untrained ear everything sounds depressing and suicidal unless it’s SNSD. I was fine.”

This is decidedly not enough assurance for Kim Samuel  who looks at him skeptically. “You’re not fine now?” Daehwi is proud, he chose his best friend well - he's annoying the shit out of him for Daehwi's wellbeing...but Daehwi is still not going to tell the guy what's bothering him.

“I’m better than fine! Are you fine? You’re working with rank #1. That’s gotta be stressful as rank #2. I mean people gonna be hunting yo flaws son.”

Understanding Daehwi's tactic of deflection, Samuel decides to put Daehwi's unrest to rest by shutting down the previous topic of discussion.  

Hell, in his position, Samuel would have probably done the same. This was Produce101, you had fun, you sang, you danced.

You did not sit around talking about how stressed out you were that this was your last chance to do anything in this industry. “Thanks for the reminder, Mother Daehwi. I totally don't think about how Jihoon's going to kick my ass in the next ranking every single day."

"It doesn't help that you're actually friends with him." Daehwi embraces his friend with one arm of skinny comfort.

“Yeah, well Jihoon's not better off - he doesn't get any camera time so everyone thinks he's not skilled at all - and I get too much camera time. Everyone thinks I'm just a thirsty little fucker."

"But Samuel - you are a thirsty little fucker."

"Yeah - but it's not good to let people know that." Samuel snickers as he guides Daehwi to the buffet. "Let’s go get you some food before well – whatever the fuck happens today. We're going to need it.”

"Yeah, but no rice today or I'll bloat in the shirts Minki's pulled for us." After grabbing his food (a bowl of scrambled eggs with an unhealthy dose of ketchup on the side), Daehwi sits with Samuel and the younger boys today. He has to admit that time passes a lot more easily when he’s with people his own age. At the Nu’est table, Guanlin and Seonho didn’t count because Guanlin couldn’t speak Korean and Seonho had the mental capacity of a five year old.

Daehwi only turns to look at his old breakfast table once to see what they were up to this morning.

Today, Jaehwan has taken over Daehwi’s free spot on the bench and somehow managed to shift Minki over so he’s directly beside Minhyun playing with Busan visual's hair. This is definitely underappreciated work as Jonghyun is sulking silently unable to voice his discontent at the action and Seonho is running around both his hyungs undoing all of Jaehwan’s hard work.

At this point – Minhyun is basically just a human doll for the rest of the table.

While the rest of his table discusses their individual stages, Daehwi allows himself to stare at the Nu’est table. He doesn’t really want to think about tonight, he would much rather his eyes follow their subconscious desire to land squarely on Kang Dongho.

Daehwi feels a small pang in his heart as he sees Dongho laugh and say something to Jaehwan who cackles back loudly.

Before the pang can grow into a full fledged painful heart attack, he looks back at his food.

It isn't fucking fair he's the only one suffering like this.

He wants Kang Dongho to feel something too...but at least for now. He has no assurance of this feeling.

\-------------------

The night comes incredibly quickly and Daehwi is having his makeup done and hair styled beside Dongho...yet again.

Completely helpless, he feels his eyes stray away from his own reflection in the mirror to look at the face that had become surprisingly important to him over the past few days.

It doesn’t even matter right now that they’re not talking. All he wants to do is just quietly stare at Kang Dongho, because he certainly can’t speak to him. At the beginning Daehwi was too scared to talk to him and now that the fear had left him well - he wasn't scared of anything at all.

That in it's own way was very worrisome, after all if Daehwi has no censor with the guy who the hell knew what he’d blurt out on camera while the PDs were around?

It was best to just keep his head down and keep his mouth shut - but his eyes - oh his eyes could  enjoy themselves.

He isn’t even irked or shy when Dongho catches his gaze in the mirror, holding it steadily in his for a few seconds before he looks away and asks softly, “Does it look good?” Dongho sounds so unsure that Daehwi can’t help but smirk. This big huge muscle man of a monster cannot literally be this cute.

Why had he even been scared of Kang Dongho in the first place?

Since he has received special permission to look at him – Daehwi takes him in. All of him. Slowly.

From head to toe.

From his carefully manufactured gel hair to the darkened shadows on the edges of his eyes.

From his perfectly dewy skin to his naturally flushed lips.

What is he doing just looking - he should be ACTUALLY doing something. He can't just let Kang Dongho ask him how he looks and not act. In a few steps, Daehwi could plant his hands on Dongho's loose white shirt and pull them together and - 

“You look okay, yeah.” Much more camera appropriate since he cannot tell Kang Dongho he looks like sex on a stick.

Dongho pushes his shoulder lightly, laughing behind his hand. Like clockwork, Daehwi’s heart hammers harder, like he needs a reminder of how  much he just wants to fuse their bodies together.

Daehwi blames that ridiculously beautiful black eyeshadow around his eyes. It was making the cute Kang Dongho he admired look like, any second now, his shirt was going to be ripped off so Dongho could make wild crazy love to some lady on the cover of a romance novel.

“Stop fucking around Lee Daehwi.”

Daehwi widens his eyes comically, happy to see Dongho's eyes crinkle at the corners. If Dongho could look at him like that everyday, Daehwi could die a happy man. “Oh oh Kang Dongho-ssi is using my full name?”

“Would you prefer something else?” Dongho is enjoying teasing him. Daehwi can tell because he’s seeing the stress and anxiety practically melt away from the guy’s figure as Dongho swivels the salon chair and grabs Daehwi's chair to turn him around too.

They’re facing each other now with practically no space between them, save for a few easily dissolved breaths. Daehwi feels his back tense slightly, sitting up straighter. Dongho’s hands are on either sides of his chair, effectively trapping him. Not that he minds of course. It’s just more of an opportunity to stare at him openly without judgment. “Hmm…let’s try…Daehwi-goon?”

Daehwi bursts out laughing. “What am I your kid? Sorry Kang seonsaeng-nim, not interested in being your student.” 

“Hmm…is Daehwi-ssi better?”

Daehwi immediately starts coughing in shock, which makes Dongho only snicker harder at him. “I’m obviously not an ahjussi but you might be!” He can play this game just as well as Kang Dongho, he’s good at words and he's REALLY good at flirting. Daehwi edges just a bit closer to Dongho. He sees the man looks a bit caught off guard especially when Daehwi's fingers reach for the tips of his hair. 

Daehwi flutters his eyelids watching carefully for his reaction. He doesn't want to hurt or offend the guy...but it seems the risk of that is minimal. Kang Dongho is gulping back mouthfuls of empty air as he peers at Daehwi, unsure of what exactly the younger man was trying to do. Daehwi lets them be like this for a few seconds, definitely longer than he should - but he doesn't want to say another word until he gets his sign. Daehwi finally spoke again when he saw Dongho's eyes close. “Kang Dongho?" Daehwi makes sure his voice is really low. He sees Dongho lean in just a bit closer and Daehwi has to admit, while he's trying not to smile, that he likes having the power position in this weird dynamic of theirs for once.

"Yes?" Dongho asks him opening his eyes, dazed and confused - but Daehwi is happy to see he isn't immediately backing away from him.

"I think there’s some gray in here – you should definitely manage yourself better. Your age is really showing Kang Dongho-ssi!”

“Yah, Daehwi-ya!” It’s the easy way that his name slips out of Dongho's mouth with equal tones of affection and mischievousness that makes Daehwi’s heart flutter.

Dongho can back away now...but he doesn't. In fact, he edges even closer to Daehwi's face and Daehwi feels his heart retaliate by speeding up when he feels Dongho's fingers pull on his hair, mimicking the exact motion Daehwi had just played on him. 

"Daehwi-" Daehwi wants to close his eyes. He wants to completely shut down.

It was too much. This guy – he had to know. He had to know how Daehwi felt right? His id is just screaming at him. Kiss him Lee Daehwi! Fuck it all and kiss Kang Dongho- the cameras can go to hell – Produce101 can go to hell – the world can go to hell -

“JESUS – can you stop saying Daehwi's name Dongho? Kid knows his name…and stop messing up his hair! The stylist isn’t going to come back and fix it!” Minki's interruption is incredibly well timed.

Daehwi's eyes carefully observe Kang Dongho but for someone who was such an open book, Daehwi couldn't read how the man was feeling. He looked unaffected...as usual. In fact, he was smiling like nothing had just happened - like Daehwi's heart hadn't just been out there for everyone to see. 

“Minki, you know the kid totally messed up my hair first right? And he's not even calling me hyung.” Dongho’s fingers slip out of his hair and it hits Daehwi that this might be it. This might be the last time they could be here – like this – together. After this performance, they may not end up in the same team again and who knew if they’d be as close as this?

“I want to call you Dongho.” It  denotes a level of closeness between them that Daehwi is not sure they've achieved. "You can call me Daehwi- just Daehwi." He knows if this airs he may come off looking disrespectful so he bows his head and avoids looking at Dongho. "Is that okay?" 

He has an excuse ready of course – that he doesn’t like calling people hyung because he forgets sometimes after living in America for a while-

Turns out he doesn’t have to use any of his excuses because Dongho looks oddly relieved that Daehwi has asked him this question.  “Of course…as long as you don’t call me ahjussi anymore.” Dongho ends up messing his hair up again as Minki yells at him again to leave Daehwi alone.

The two Nu’est members can’t fight for long though - their exchange is disrupted when Jonghyun comes into the Playing with Fire dressing room.

The Nu’est leader is instantly horrified. “Choi Minki? Sunglasses? Indoors? Again?” The leader honestly looks like he’s lost all hope for Minki as he pushes his face into his hands.

Daehwi notices Minhyun sneak through the door, trailing behind his leader looking like ever the natural born model he was. Tall and dressed in clothes fit for a drama actor, he's laughing looking at Jonghyun’s reaction to Minki.

Minki will not be deterred. “It’s not your team, so what the hell do you care? Sewoon said it was okay!”

Sewoon puts up a hand. “Now wait a second – we all know that Choi Minki does what Choi Minki wants. I do not attempt to make any changes to what Choi Minki wants because I value my life.” He goes back to tuning his guitar, until he’s caught completely unaware by the loud smacking kiss that Minki places on his cheek.

“Sewoon, you are a WAY better leader, thank you so much Ponyo!” Minki is grinning cheekily at his real leader who only groans louder. Minki rolls his eyes and comes over and hugs Jonghyun too albeit with a little less fervor. “Fine, but Jonghyun you’re ONLY getting a hug because you’re jealous and I can’t do that to you because you're so cute.”

"Do I get a hug?" Minhyun asks teasingly as Minki's smile disappears from his face.

"Nah boo - you're desperate. I don't do desperate." Minki is still holding onto Jonghyun, slowly swaying with his leader back and forth in his grasp. 

Jonghyun laxes into Minki’s hug, because he’s incredibly nervous and for just a second he's okay with someone else lifting his frame up. Daehwi understands that Jonghyun doesn’t want their success to disappear – and Minki is the only one of the Nu'est boys who hasn’t managed to burn brightly on the show yet. Minki is the only one Jonghyun is really worried about today. “Just do well Minki. Do so well that you blow us all out of the water like you always do. Choi Minki or Ren it doesn’t matter okay? They’re the same guy...and you're our star.” Jonghyun presses a quick kiss to his maknae’s forehead as Ren flushes happily from the unexpected affection.

“When are you guys heading back?” Dongho asks separating himself from Daehwi’s chair. Daehwi lets out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding this whole time.

“Soon – Aaron hyung just wanted to see you two too so-“ Minhyun has his phone on and ready for selfie mode but Daehwi offers his hand and Minhyun immediately hands over the phone.

The picture is almost perfect – except for an extremely weird gap between Minhyun and Jonghyun who are smack dab in the center. “Ah, Jonghyun you’re too far from Minhyun – squeeze in closer.” Daehwi is shocked to see them barely close the gap and he looks to Minki for help. Their resident diva huffs and squishes the leader closer to Minhyun. From the other side, Dongho uses his arms to circle all three members leaning in towards the camera.

Of course, Daehwi’s eyes are completely stuck on him as he takes the photo. “1, 2, 3- CHEESE!”

Minki blows a kiss at the screen, Dongho sticks his tongue out, Minhyun just looks at Jonghyun with a wistful sort of smile on his face  – and Jonghyun looks straight at the camera as if he couldn’t feel happier that they were all here together.

Daehwi almost snorts imagining this picture with the Brand New group – undoubtedly it would be Woojin walking away from them and the two devils in disguise making his life hell.

After he hands the phone back to Minhyun, he starts fixing his hair (it needs it after Dongho’s rough fingers). The studio hand tells them they're on in 5 and Jonghyun and Minhyun disappear with cheers of support for Sewoon who is sweating already.

They start making their way out and the chants from the audience are bringing him back to reality away from the very distracting thoughts of his hands entrenched in Kang Dongho's hair. 

Their group huddles together like a real band and Daehwi glances at Dongho, Sewoon and Minki smiling brightly. They're a strong set of four. Spades, Diamonds, Hearts and Clubs. “Remember, guys make love to the micstand.” Minki pumps his fist up in the air brightly running out of their hug first as Dongho groans.

“There’s kids here Minki!” Daehwi's heart dampens a bit - he knows Dongho is talking about him. 

The performance goes off without a hitch but, to be honest, Daehwi doesn’t really remember hearing anything except the music in his ears and the sound of Kang Dongho’s incredible voice matched with Sewoon’s unique vocal colour.

He tries to sing more to support than stand out. He's completely aware that on this stage, his vocals are only rounding out the otherwise bold and complete sound. It’s really only his glitter moment that makes him stand out as the crowd goes wild and Daehwi is relieved that Minki has given them both moments to stand out.

After the performance, when Minki gets last place Daehwi is surprised by just how much he hates the thought of it. He knows one of them has to be in that position – but he still hates it. He pats his friend on the back as Minki just sighs and nods his head along as if he wasn’t even surprised. 

Daehwi is not surprised or bothered when he gets third. The real heroes of the stage were really Sewoon and Dongho anyways.

However, he is pleasantly surprised and happy when Kang Dongho reaches for his shoulder as soon as Daehwi's score is revealed. “It’s okay –“ Daehwi grins widely leaning on his palm, teasingly looking up at Kang Dongho as the older man tries to awkwardly comfort him. “You looked really good out there today and it’s probably the smallest of differences between two and three. I mean you’re ‘the center’ Daehwi-” Daehwi lightly touches the older man’s arm to let him know to stop.

Dongho furrows his eyebrows but listens to his silent request anyways. Daehwi isn’t going to say anything else on camera about his ranking. He won’t give Mnet and the audience any more reason to hate him, he’ll keep his head down – and the less Dongho said about it too the better.

When Dongho gets second, Daehwi looks up at him innocently hands over his chin. “Small difference huh?” Daehwi is openly laughing at him and Dongho is blushing again.

Daehwi is starting to realize that Kang Dongho really doesn't know how attractive he is. At first, Daehwi didn’t see it either – but now that he had it was incredibly hard to look away. “I gave you permission to use my name, not to make fun of me with it.” Dongho flicks his finger jokingly into Daehwi’s head, making Daehwi laugh despite the sharp twinge he felt on his skin. 

They all congratulate Sewoon on getting first, and it’s when Daehwi almost falls off the edge of the last chair that he reaches to grab Kang Dongho’s leg and he feels it.

There’s that stupid heartbeat again, accompanied by that ache that seemed to have only built since before. 

And it’s now that he realizes he’s never bothered to ask himself –

Is Kang Dongho even gay?

\----------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeyyyy updates :D! Hope you guys enjoy the next chapter and everyone's had a good week so far :)! 
> 
> Thank you once again for all the love this story is getting! 
> 
> Also guys - I'm so addicted to Super Hot like it's such a good song. (Honestly I like Hands on Me too but Super Hot is just so catchy!)


	6. Vocally, Visually, Physically

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *WARNING* 
> 
> I don't know if you guys know this...but Dongho's father recently passed away...I felt a bit weird releasing this chapter considering the situation his family was in...and not sure again if all of you are aware but he's been going through a pretty turbulent time in his career and life in general. (I'd go into the details but not sure if you all want to read that so I won't...)
> 
> Anyways - because of that I felt a bit weird releasing this chapter BUT I couldn't really rework it (and I tried a lot...) 
> 
> Eitherways I wish the best for Dongho and hope he's doing well and his members are with him supporting him.

“Guys- get up!” Daniel is shaking him awake.

Daniel, of all people, is not who he expects to wake him up. Daniel and Daehwi are not one of the legendary friendships born out of Produce101. They have never even roomed together. Sure - they smile at each other in the hallways as fellow top 11 contestants but that's pretty much it. “Hyung – please go away.” Daehwi groans weakly pulling his head under the covers.

The resistance only makes Daniel more forceful. “Oh come on – Lee Daehwi! Get up! Don’t be such a wuss you don’t need to practice that much tomorrow.”

To be fair, Daniel is the real party pooper here. Daehwi had just been in the middle of a very intense dream where he was trapped on an island.

He’d found himself wandering through the jungle. He was lost, confused, and hungry only to eventually see a barely covered –

Jisung has pulled the covers down from his face and Daehwi moans sadly.

He is not going to get back to his dream tonight that's for sure.

“You okay dude? You’re really red.” Jisung asks him as Daehwi groggily finds his conscisouness returning to him.

“Hyung – I’m fine.” Jisung has a hand on his forehead anyways to check for a fever and Daehwi grins softly back at his favourite hyung. Of everyone here, Jisung hyung is the only one who actually deserves the title because he’s really the only one who takes care of people with no ulterior motive behind his actions. So he’s the only one Daehwi feels himself easily calling 'Hyung'.

Daniel busies himself with getting the rest of the room up. “Why the FUCK are we getting up so early?” Samuel grumbles and Daehwi agrees wholeheartedly nodding.

It is 2AM, they have literally been asleep for maybe an hour and a half.

Jisung gives Samuel a teasing grin. “Ah- we felt bad that we left you guys out last time when we went drinking.”

“Hyung, we’re going drinking? But we’re minors…” Big Woojin mumbles and Daehwi sees Daniel literally bang his face into his palm as he stresses the importance of quiet.

Not that it mattered, the cameras probably caught all of that already but Daehwi couldn't imagine MNet willingly shooting themselves in the foot revealing drinking minors. “We’re not going drinking Woojin-ah.”

“No…we already went drinking.” Jisung finishes giggling happily and now that Daehwi looks closer at him, the older guy is kind of swaying more so than his usual stance. “But we didn’t want to leave you guys out so now that we’re back in the building – so we thought we could all hang out-“

“And you could wake us up? No, thank you, I’m staying right here.” Woojin sighed. “Good night.”

“You going, Daehwi?” Samuel asks him from his bed by the wall. “I want to go.”

“Me too!” Hyeongsub perkily responded and Daehwi rolled his eyes.

“Fine – let’s just all go.” Woojin grumbled being the first to actually run out of bed and go brush his teeth.

Jisung and Daniel both turned to look at Daehwi who shrugged. “He likes clean teeth.”

“Yeah. He brushes three times a day. He has the best breath here to be honest.” Hyeongsub echoes as the rest of them in the room turned to look at him with an expression that read ‘How-would-you-even-know-that?’

Thankfully, they never have to hear Hyeongsub’s opinions about the smell of their breath.

Within five minutes, the rest of them were trudging out of the door to the common area. Woojin had managed to get dressed in jeans and a shirt but Daehwi could care less, so he was still in his large grey sweatshirt and black adidas pants. Good enough for an impromptu party if you asked him. “Hyung, how can you go out drinking the day before we’re supposed to start the concept mission? It would throw my balance completely off.”

Jisung wiggles his eyebrows. “I haven’t been training for 5 years for nothing trainee Daehwi.” He pulls an arm over Daehwi’s shoulders as the younger trainee yawns and relaxes into Jisung's frame. “Are you very tired?”

“So much. Playing with Fire was not easy on me...and I'm worried about how the edit will come out honestly.”

“Yeah we heard about Sewoon and Dongho – but they’re fine honestly. They even did a lovers shot together – I swear I saw Youngmin get jealous.” Daniel jokes. Daehwi can’t help but smile at the thought of his two team members awkwardly wrapping their arms around each other.

“You did very good yesterday.” Jisung ruffles his Daehwi’s hair.

“Yeah - don’t worry so much – you’ll do better now than you did before.” Samuel takes a deep breath as he looks to the ground and Daehwi knows why.

“Or I’ll drop out of the top 11 because I’m such a quiet mouse that it won’t matter… go down in history as the center who died early on. Ruin Yoojung’s excellent legacy.”

Before more negativity has a chance to leave his mouth – he’s cut off. “God Daehwi- I thought you were such a positive kid.” Dongho appears from the entrance of the next hallway turn laughing. He also happens to have a six pack of beer in his hands. Daehwi feels his steps automatically stop while the rest of the team walks ahead completely unfazed. Dongho is looking at him with a foolish smile on his face. “God the difference between our vote count wasn’t even that great you big whiny kid.”

“I know that!” Daehwi frowns because Dongho, unlike his friends, is not trying to comfort him at all. “Have a little pity on me will you?”

Dongho laughs harder, his face only becoming all the more magnetic from his sheer happiness and Daehwi wishes that there’s never a day when Kang Dongho is sad. “You? Pity? Please – you don’t need it. Maybe the other kids – but you’re one of the top 11 royalty, crazy. You won’t drop Daehwi.” Despite his words, stubbornly Daehwi blows his bangs up in the air huffing and puffing. Dongho raises a skeptical eyebrow at him. “What’s it going to take for you to believe you’re safe?”

“If you prove that you’re voting for me that will be enough, thank you very much!” Daehwi grins brightly at him and Dongho scoffs.

“Ah…the first few weeks I didn’t really vote for the opposing team – so I didn’t vote for you before.” He bowed his head apologetically. “But I do always vote for my performance team members so I am voting for you right now – and I’ll keep voting for you even though we’re done here…don’t tell Sewoon!” Despite the fact that he had basically manhandled Dongho into doing it, Daehwi felt a sense of pride as the smile rolled onto his face automatically. “God look at this insecure kid – smiling at me like I’ve given him a new Playstation or something.” It could be his imagination entirely but Dongho looked like he was blushing as he walked away from him.

Daehwi is not going to let him get away that easily…first of all they’re all alone, and secondly-

Well, they were all alone. One reason was enough when it came to this guy. He doesn't need a reason to chase Kang Dongho. The way he feels around the man is reason enough - his exhaustion has completely disappeared.

“You’ve given me something much better than a Playstation.”

“Yeah?” Dongho responds with a tone of inflection that betrays his curiousity.

“I have Kang Dongho’s love as a national producer! Kang Dongho saranghae!” He puts his arms over his head in a tell-tale heart as Dongho looks at him entirely stupefied until he bursts into laughter leaning against the wall and Daehwi snickers back just as hard doubling over himself.

Okay trying aegyo with Kang Dongho was a completely disgustingly horrible idea but he's still happy he made the guy laugh. Daehwi wants to hug him, hold his hand and wave it around like he does so casually with everyone else but it’s not that easy because well – he has feelings for this one.

Samuel is a piece of straight trash and Jinyoung is well, taken, for all intents and purposes.

“You – I can’t understand you at all Lee Daehwi. Make a choice, be cute, be smart, be mature – how can someone be everything?”

“I have no friends. I had a lot of time to learn this stuff.”

“Yeah? What the hell are we then?”

“We’re friends?” Daehwi is surprised. He’s never really thought of Dongho as a friend…always as more than that. As a rule of thumb, he tries not to dream of his friends as naked tree swinging men who sweep him up into the air as they sail through the jungle together.

“We’re not?” Dongho sounds a bit more careful and nervous now.

“No – no…of course! I’m okay being friends. Kang Dongho- Lee Daehwi! Friends!” Daehwi quickly corrects him before Dongho had a chance to think that Daehwi didn’t want to be close to him that way.

Dongho quirks an eyebrow playfully pointing at himself. “That is literally what I just said.”

“That is literally what I just repeated.” Daehwi mimics the motion exactly, down to the perfect arch of his right eyebrow.

“I’m going to enjoy this a lot.”

“Sure. I’m going to enjoy this a lot too FRIEND.”

“Lee Daehwi-“

“Kang Dongho-“

“Stop being so cute!” Dongho pulls him into a one armed hug as they walk into the common room. Daehwi relishes in the moment and lets himself slack easily into Dongho’s grasp. “Minki- here!”

Minki looks at the beer that's tossed his way distastefully. “I asked for wine Baek-jumma.”

“Sneaking in beer was hard enough – where the hell was I supposed to hide wine?” Dongho rolls his eyes. Minki relents to his fate of drinking cheap beer and opens a can.

"Chug chug chug chug!" Seonho the seal claps encouragingly watching Minki devour the first can like a complete professional.

“Why are you drinking so much?” Daehwi wants to clap a hand over his mouth but the rude words are already out before he can stop them.

“Oh please - I’m not drinking that much. You should see what this guy had at the bar.” He gestures towards Dongho who puts his hands up in retaliation as Minhyun and Jonghyun laugh. Then Minki turns away from them as he looks towards the Yuehua group at the back. “JUNG JUNG! EUNKI! KENTA – I GOT THE BEER GUYS!” Minki blows them all a kiss. “My lovely high rankers – don’t mind me while I go drown my sorrows away with my other rankers. If my babies are going home, I want to spend the rest of the night with them as I think I’m following soon after.”

“Minki-“ Minhyun frowns, even Seonho seemed to have grasped that this chugging was not behaviour to be encouraged but Minki disappears to the coolest team in the top 60.

That’s when Daehwi sees it.

Jung Jung and Eunki get so close that-

“OH. MY. GOD.” Daehwi gasps as softly as he can muster.

"You look like Samuel." Seonho cackles at his reaction mimicking it in perfect Samuel fashion.

Dongho supplies the answer to Daehwi's unsaid question. “You didn’t know Jung Jung and Eunki were hooking up?”

“Not even a little! Are they?”

“I visited the Replay dorm room for a bit in the first few days – let’s just say – Eunki had practically moved in. Minki couldn’t stop complaining about the noise.” Jonghyun passes Daehwi a Coca-Cola, completely unfazed as Daehwi looked around shocked. Had this just happened? Granted, Jung Jung and Eunki were lower ranked trainees - but to get together on the show. It was so risky!

There’s a weird sort of silence as Daehwi realizes that this is basically his one and only opportunity to casually bring up sexual orientation to the ever carefully dubbed ‘Sexy Bandit’.

He focuses his eyes on Dongho, maybe he can tell from the guy’s reaction to the couple in the back who were being incredibly open with their affections for each other.

Even Daehwi had to admit that it was almost too much. Eunki had a leg wrapped around the slightly taller redhead who was pushing his fingers up Eunki’s shirt making Eunki’s skin glimmer brightly in the low light of their common room.

He kind of wanted to clap but also felt like that would be incredibly rude so he kept his hands glued under his butt for now. “I think they’re cute together. They match well.” As he says this, Daehwi tries not to keep his gaze focused on Dongho. He doesn't want to come off too obvious. Seonho seems to furrow his eyebrows in confusion like he’d never before really thought about making opinions on two men romantically. Guanlin who is now sleeping in Jonghyun’s lap just nods along disinterestedly. Minhyun is smiling widely, almost too widely.

Just as Dongho is about to say something in response - Minhyun interrupts him. “I agree – I think it’s nice – they’re both really great people and their visuals match well.”

“But you have to think- how the hell are they actually speaking to each other? Jung Jung’s Korean is barely passable and I don’t think that Eunki knows Chinese.” Dongho questions back shaking his head. “Seems like it's going to end badly to be honest."

“Well…” Jonghyun has a very a cheeky grin on his face as he covers his mouth with his palm looking at Minhyun in a way that makes the other man quickly reach for Seonho’s ears to cover them. “Maybe they’re not REALLY talking AT ALL guys –“ The group bursts out laughing, even Guanlin snickers lightly looking up at them all with a deep red blush on his face.

Well - they're all laughing save for the little chick whose purity was kept safe. “WHAT? WHAT? WHAT DID JONGHYUN HYUNG SAY? You guys know this is totally unfair right – Daehwi is only like a few months older than me and you didn’t cover his ears! I should start swearing like Samuel – then you’ll all take me seriously-”

“God, Seonho be quiet. You’re so noisy.” Guanlin murmurs pulling the younger boy into Jonghyun’s lap as well. Jonghyun and Seonho both yelp in surprise as Guanlin caresses the other boy’s hair affectionately. “Just go to bed, you little twerp.”

Daehwi pursed his lips together as he looked at the group who were all quietly observing the two CUBE chicks.

Seonho though, never ever really listened to anyone – least of all Guanlin. “Like hell I'm sleeping right now! I’m going to stay awake as long as Daehwi’s here!” He’s already off Jonghyun. Guanlin has given up and just curled into Jonghyun’s lap even further. Jonghyun only laughs and pets the little Taiwanese boy more.

“It’s not a contest Seonho-“ Dongho laughs at their little maknae.

“YEAH IT IS! Hyung, don’t lie – I know you totally like Daehwi better.” Daehwi watches Dongho carefully as the rest of the group turns to look at him too.

He's not going to lie - 100% he's curious as to how Kang Dongho is going to respond to this claim, ludicrous as it may be. This could be the sign he was waiting for. “He’s different? Who said?” Dongho teases shrugging. “He’s just a kid too – you’re all just kids.”

Daehwi feels his heart dampened as he struggles for exactly three seconds to keep the smile on his face. Minhyun seems to have noticed but Daehwi tries to play it off snickering along. Seonho is however not done. “Please! You never make fun of Daehwi-“

“Daehwi never does anything to be made fun of.” Jonghyun responds wisely.

“Yoo Seonho- I’m the same as you okay? I’m just not as cute.”

“No he’s cuter.” Daehwi wishes it was Dongho saying this but it’s Minhyun who is obviously just looking for a reason to tease Seonho and comfort Daehwi at the same time.

Seonho wails, they drink and laugh more – and about 30 minutes later when Minhyun is dragging Seonho’s shrieking body back to bed. Jonghyun helps out by lifting Guanlin on his back and the two are on the way to the CUBE chicks’ rooms. After they disappear through the door and Daehwi and Dongho are just sitting there for a minute or two, Dongho looks at him pointedly. “Bed time?”

“Sure.” He agrees getting up from the floor and dusting off his pants. He quickly peruses the room to ensure Samuel and Woojin are okay and they are – they’re both cowered under the grasp of Jisung’s horror stories again.

They start walking in silence, but it's a comfortable silence that Daehwi feels himself enjoying until Dongho speaks up apologetically. "Sorry about that - you didn’t need to be compared to Yoo Seonho.”

“I didn’t. But it at least lets me know how close we are if our friendship is EXACTLY the same as the one you have with Seonho." He sees Dongho flinch jokingly.

"Daehwi-"

"Dongho-"

“Daehwi. Come on! You can't be serious.“ He is entirely serious but can he tell Dongho he's upset? Not really. It appears he doesn't need to because Dongho does inherently sense it in his body language. Regardless though, he's laughing and shaking his head. "You like hearing things out loud, don’t you? You really need me of all people to tell you that you’re not the same to me as Yoo Seonho?” Daehwi wants to kick and scream and throw a tantrum and say yes, he does need to hear that from Dongho because he wants to confirm that the guy feels something better than weird brotherly affection for him.

Then Daehwi realizes that if he actually did that – it would be a very Seonho thing to do. So, obviously that was out of the question.

“Well – considering the career I'm pinning all my hopes and dreams on is based on the concept of people hearing me, my music and my voice – I’d say yes. I love hearing things out loud.” He watches Dongho stumble backwards like Daehwi had hit him with something he couldn’t answer back to easily.

They stand there in the empty hallway, in the middle of the night and look at each other. Eventually Dongho nods his head like he’s trying to clear a fog around his brain. “Fine. This is EXACTLY why.”

“This is why-?”

Daehwi’s eyes widen at his next words. “This is why I like you more.” He can see it visibly pains Dongho to admit this to him openly…and his heart is running a mile a minute. Daehwi really thinks about whether this should be the right moment to say something about how he feels but Dongho starts shuffling on his feet and rubbing the back of his head sighing almost painfully. “Don’t go telling the other kids okay?”

It’s making him so uncomfortable to say this out loud to Daehwi – Daehwi can’t possibly make the guy more uncomfortable. At least, not for tonight. “I wouldn’t dream of it…besides…what the hell am I? Yoo Seonho?” His joke earns him a little giggle.

“And just like that you’re a 17 year old again.” Dongho is grinning down at him as Daehwi struggles to keep his composure around the composer. “Honestly, this is all your fault anyways. Why do you almost never act your age?”

He can joke around... he's almost certain that's what Dongho wants but Daehwi can't stop the truth from slipping out of his lips. "I- I kind of grew up fast – well there’s a lot of things…my dad well-.” He doesn’t really like talking about this too much. It’s a bit too personal for Produce101 and if he’s being very honest a bit too personal for his conversation with Kang Dongho too.

There were parts of himself he’d like to keep hidden. Yet it felt like his heart had overridden a command from his brain to watch his words. “Your dad?” Dongho finished for him and he nodded gingerly. Daehwi didn’t say much more but he didn’t really need to. “He’s not around is he?”

“No…unfortunately.” Daehwi took a deep breath as he steadied his body. Time had passed, as time was prone to do but still Daehwi never really felt the dull pain his chest at the mention of his father quell. Sure there had been times right at the start when it had hurt like a fresh stab wound, but nowadays it just ached quietly in the background – a reminder of the childhood he lost along with the man he’d admired most in this world. “It hurts, doesn’t it?”

Most people say things like – I’m sorry, or that sucks or some variation of the sort. Dongho is looking at him with a very weird expression – like he wants Daehwi to admit this to him, like a pushy guidance counsellor and despite this not being with Daehwi signed up for tonight, he nods.

“Yeah, of course- not every day and not every moment but when it comes up – yeah it hurts a lot.”

“I don’t want to think about it.” Dongho shakes his head and he can see something in Kang Dongho he hasn’t ever seen.

Kang Dongho is panicking. In a way that Daehwi really hadn’t anticipated.

In fact the guy’s chest is moving up and down at an alarming pace - he's breathing heavily and suddenly he's almost tripped backwards, leaning against the locker walls for support.

Kang Dongho is literally having a panic attack. “Dongho-“

“No seriously. I feel-“

“Dongho-“ Daehwi reaches for his hands. He can understand, something must be there that would cause him to react like this to Daehwi’s own words. “It hurt – but it’d be worse if it didn’t hurt. The hurt, the pain, the sorrow it’s all proof – proof that there was something else there in place of those emotions. I can feel happy feeling those things too.” He steadies a hand on his shoulders, Dongho isn’t really listening to him until Daehwi bends down closer to his face and says the words that Dongho needs to hear. “It’ll be okay. My story does not have to be your story Dongho.”

Dongho looks up at him and nods weakly. Daehwi’s hands fold down Dongho’s arms to clutch their fingers together willing strength into the older man’s body. Daehwi is not surprised when he’s allowed to use his grip on the older man’s hands to pull him into his arms. Daehwi feels Kang Dongho rest his head on his neck and slowly but carefully he pats the man’s head.

Dongho wraps his arms around him so tightly Daehwi feels like he's being choked but he doesn't say a word. They stand like that in silence. Daehwi let's out a breath as they hold each other, it's the first time Dongho has hugged him back. If Daehwi focuses enough, he can feel Dongho’s heart beat through his own chest.

After what feels like an eternity and seconds all at once, Dongho mutters in a tone of voice that almost sounds ashamed. “I’m so sorry.”

“And what are you sorry for today?” Daehwi asks softly as he backs away from the man and looks at him.

Dongho does look truly apologetic as he pulls their hands apart. Daehwi wants to reach for them again - but he knows it's not appropriate. “I keep doing this to you…I keep making you pity me.”

That was what he was worried about? “Everytime we do this – Kang Dongho-ssi you just look cooler every time.” He throws up a cheesy thumbs up and Dongho’s lips crack and a small smile flitters onto his face.

“I-“ He doesn’t say anything else as he weakly sighs. This has been emotionally taxing enough for him, so Daehwi shakes his head.

“You don’t need to say anything else –“

“No - I want to tell you. Let me finish." Dongho insists and so Daehwi lets him. “You- you’re so much more than what you show on screen…and even what you show here off-screen. Lee Daehwi, I think you- you’re great.”

“Please keep voting for me on Produce101’s website and through text vote. To vote for Lee Daehwi please scroll to –“ Dongho hits his head lightly and Daehwi sticks his tongue out playfully earning a laugh from the other man. They’re almost at Daehwi’s room now. He wants to bring up what Dongho said but he also doesn't feel like it would be the right time. The man had just had a panic attack and unwillingly admitted he liked him the best - it wouldn't be fair to put him through more. “Hey, do you think we’ll be in the same team?” A much safer topic of conversation.

Dongho bursts out laughing as he points between the two of them. “You- and me? The same concept? Do we look like we fit together?”

“Yes.” He responds quickly and Dongho blinks back at him dumbly. Before he loses his confidence, Daehwi finds himself rambling. “Of course, I think you and I are a great team. Vocally, visually, physically - I think we look really good together.” Daehwi gulps back the knot in his throat. He wants to continue but he doesn’t know what else to say and Dongho is eerily quiet as he tilts his head and looks at him.

As usual, everytime Daehwi is overt with his feelings for the man Dongho is unreadable like he knows exactly when to allow Daehwi in - Daehwi hates him for it. It leads to situations like this - where Daehwi is here - vulnerable and Dongho is there looking at him like he doesn't understand what the hell is happening.

“Good night.” Daehwi bows his head and ducks into the room before he has a chance to hear Dongho respond with a good night.

Then he proceeds to suffocate himself in his pillow – because if Dongho had no idea how Daehwi felt about him before- well he was certain to know now.


	7. Puppy Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta do my grammar check tomorrow but overall I think this chapter is in good enough shape to post :) please forgive me if you notice anything off (and let me know in the comments guys honestly bc I do not have a beta :D)

As much as Daehwi believes they work well together, it appears that the Nation's Producers did not necessarily believe the same. For the concept evaluation, they’re placed in different songs.

Honestly, Daehwi doesn’t think it’s a bad thing considering how much he’s prone to embarrassing himself around the guy when they’re together. Space from Dongho was exactly what the non-existent doctor at Produce101 had prescribed for him .

Sure he's seen the guy but - Dongho hasn’t really acted strangely around him which is just as well because if Dongho's not going to talk about those stupid stupid words - then Daehwi can pretend he never said them. Nevertheless, the fact that he had essentially cracked open the door to his heart to tell Kang Dongho that he pretty much thought they'd be great together and was essentially ignored still kind of hurt.

He frowns as he drearily walks into the breakfast hall, maybe he could chalk it all up to Kang Dongho being an oblivious human being in general? He shakes his head lightly - this is not the time to think about Kang Dongho. He does enough of that when he's kept awake at night by the ridiculous pumping of his heart. He's going to think about Never.

Never is the real deal. He’s sure of it. The song is produced by Hyuna plus two people Guanlin keeps raving about – from that beginning alone it’s poised for success. So this week he’s not even ALLOWING himself to think about Kang Dongho. He has better things to worry about – like his ranking and keeping his position in Never safe. It is the group with the largest collection of high ranking trainees. None of them were going home – that he was sure of and if they weren't going home?

Well, some of them were definitely going to end up at a different song. It was an even more extreme version of the bloodbath happening at the other songs in the studio. Learning a new song in three days would be no joke for the trainees who had to make that jump.

“Daehwi!” He turns around to source the voice calling him and sees Minhyun waving at him brightly calling him over to eat with them. A quick scan of the table confirmed that Kang Dongho was not with them and the table mostly consisted of other Never members. He heaves a sigh of relief and on autopilot, Daehwi crashes into Woojin’s side at the half empty large breakfast table.

The Never team is really unlike any other team he’s ever had the pleasure of being in as a trainee. They’re extremely cohesive – they can read each other’s moods, movements, and match time with each other perfectly. Daehwi is almost positive it’s because of the ridiculous combination of Hwang Minhyun and Kim Jonghyun who are almost painfully supportive of each and every member of the team.

“Did you stay up late practicing in the dance studio yesterday night?” Jonghyun asks him concerned but Daehwi is unable to formulate words to respond to his leader. Instead, Jonghyun recieves a yawn that is answer enough for him. “You don’t have to worry Daehwi – you’re not as bad as this one, you know?” He teases Seonho who starts coughing and has tears welling in his eyes.

Though if they were real or fake, no one could really tell you. Seonho could cry at the drop of a hat. He has all the makings of a top star actor, just without any of the talent...but if the Korean idol production system was anything to go by Seonho could probably learn to become an actor too. 

Plus, Seonho is freakishly tall! A bonafide giant in the making.

Okay, yes he’s a bit jealous of Seonho’s height.

Daehwi snickers to himself, trying his best not to let Seonho hear him laughing.

Since being in Never, Yoo Seonho has been on edge - especially when it came to the teasing. He is after all one of the weaker trainees in their group from a vocal and dancing standpoint. Daehwi decides to throw his friend a bone. “Well, I have to prove myself to the audience too. Seonho has the face of an angel and ten thousand fan sites. I’m the face that launched ten thousand hate comments on Naver. I can’t do the same for Never.” He waits for the table to erupt into volcanic laughter at his bad joke but it runs dry and underappreciated.

At least, until 30 seconds later when Jaehwan bursts out laughing maniacally pointing out the obvious to the team. “GUYS! He means ‘Naver’? Like the News site?” No one is laughing. Jaehwan raises a palm up to Daehwi's face. “Don’t worry, Daehwi, I got you. You and me boo. Ride or die.” Daehwi gingerly accepts the high five. He’s not that close to Jaehwan yet but may as well stay in his good books for now.

The appearance of the wild rapper that was Kim Jaehwan has Kim Jonghyun cringing and shuddering in fear of the apocalypse. “Is that your new thing?”

Jaehwan is not to be deterred. “I gotta rep myself man. MC Jaehwan is the newest thing – if I don’t make it on P101 I’ll get a gig on Show Me the Money and wash all you rappers out like yesterday’s laundry.”

“Please – never write a diss track.” Woojin pleads as Jonghyun nods emphatically.

Jaehwan is however right...elimination is just around the corner and even if they're high ranking trainees no one is ever really safe in this show. They're always all at risk. 

Still, Daehwi knows that out of everyone he’s not really going to get shifted out of Never. A) He’s not a vocal threat to the holy Sorry Sorry group because his range is completely different and B) he’s good at dancing, teaching choreography and song direction.

Woojin is fine too by being the sheer force of dance that he is.

CUBE's Yoo Seonho on the other hand, has none of these advantages. “I’m going to kick ass at Never…just you all watch.” The littler chick narrows his eyes at them all before focusing in on the little chick Guanlin.

Guanlin has been quiet this entire time as he usually is when he doesn’t have anything specific to say. Daehwi can understand Seonho a bit - the fact of the matter was that between the two of them, Guanlin had the superior hand of cards. He was the only one of the two CUBE chicks to have actually worked with the Never team leader before. Guanlin also brought more to the table in terms of fans and had better rankings than Seonho.

Normally, Seonho’s words would be the type of comment that Guanlin would let roll of his back, but today it appears to Daehwi that the other half of the CUBE relationship is also in a very bad mood. “You know Yoo Seonho, for someone who pretends to be so supportive of both of us - you’re really moody since we’ve ended up in the same team together. How the hell are we supposed to work together if you’re going to be this competitive all the time?” The intensity in Guanlin’s voice is only minimized by the fact that he is hungry and slurping chunks of cereal into his mouth while lecturing Seonho.

Seonho scoffs right back, not ready to be outdone by Guanlin just yet. “You think this is about the competition? Wow- daebak. Guanlin-hyung misses the mark yet again!” The bitterness in his voice leaves a sharp edge to his words. Guanlin can only frown at Seonho, opening his mouth to say something but just as quickly shutting it again when he realizes that he has nothing to say. “Let me tell you hyung, since you’re living in some sort of fantasy world. This isn’t about the competition. It’s about you- it’s you I’m fighting against and I don’t want that either but I don’t have time to worry about you. You’re already so good at everything. I have to worry about me because you're not the one who will be left behind - it'll be me. I'm the one who has to improve. You'll do great and then you’ll move on and I’ll be right here – where I always was just - waiting for you to come back for me and I don't want that. I’m the only one who cares that we get there on stage together. You don’t need to worry – you’re already half way to debuting so what does it matter if I'm left behind then to you?” 

Daehwi looks around the table, awkward as hell. Woojin catches his eyes and shakes his head as if to warn him not to say anything. Guanlin looks a bit struck by Seonho’s answer. Daehwi isn’t sure Guanlin could even respond, for all they knew kid didn’t now how to answer Seonho’s claims in Korean.

No matter what the guy says or does Daehwi can't help but think that Lai Guanlin is screwed because Yoo Seonho is right. If the two of them did have to get anywhere together, Seonho is the weaker link.

This was really too much information to share with the larger 'Never' group.

On the plus side, if Jaehwan did ever end up on Show Me the Money with a Produce101 diss track, this would be great material to use.

The tension between the CUBE chicks is so palpable that Jonghyun has to interject. “It’ll be fine for both of you goofballs. Relax, you’re still in high school, you shouldn’t have to worry about this stuff.” Jonghyun rubs Seonho’s hair affectionately, not quite dispersing the tension at the table but doing his best to anyways. Daehwi wants to remind him that at their age, Jonghyun had indeed been worrying about this exact same thing but he thinks that’ll be too snarky. Plus you know, everyone would know that he had been spending too much time online recently learning about Nu'est's back story.

Jonghyun was okay letting off Seonho with his mild tantrum but Minhyun is most decidedly not. The tall trainee turns to look at Seonho disappointed. “Yoo Seonho - what if only one of you makes it in? Are you going to act like this with Guanlin?”

“And what if only one of you makes it in?” Seonho shoots back at him defiantly. “How would you feel? Happy?”

Daehwi tightens his teeth awkwardly and looks at Woojin for direction on what to do again. He doesn't like being quiet in situations like this - it's only making things worse. Woojin is, rather smartly, pretending to focus on his food. Daehwi does however catch his eye as Woojin mouths a silent ‘what the fuck?’ to him. 

Since the Pledis kids are being weird, the CUBE chicks are being awkward and Jaehwan just looks like he wants a friend to call his own - it's up to Daehwi to get rid of this weird atmosphere before it eats up all the positivity in his perfect group. So, despite the fact that Seonho was obviously speaking to Minhyun about Jonghyun, Daehwi decides to respond to the chick trainee's question. “Well, PERSONALLY - I’d be SO happy. Guys, do you know how weird Park Woojin is? Totally weird and have you seen the kid with a camera? Let’s not give him any lines in Never, okay? Like, Jaehwan would even be a better choice for lead rapper.”

He 100% expects the smack over the head that Woojin gives him but it's definitely worth the laughter from the table.

Daehwi lets out a sigh of relief turning back to his cereal.

Crisis averted! As usual, Lee Daehwi to the rescue – now all he has to do is eat his cereal in peace, go to dance, excel in singing, avoid Kang Dongho- and debut with top 11. His plan is going remarkably well.

Well, until he feels a huge weight hit his side and completely disrupt his thoughts. Said weight had tumbled into the empty seat on his right side much in the same way he assaulted Woojin earlier when Minhyun had called him over.

Daehwi turns to look accusingly at the rude force to find all his dreams of a peaceful breakfast dashed to bits.

Kang Dongho is sitting beside him. Oh fuck.

Daehwi had done a pretty good job of avoiding being in such close proximity to the guy since that night - a REALLY good job considering ‘Open Up’ and ‘Never’ had been spending an unhealthy amount of time with each other because Kang Daniel and Ong Seungwoo couldn’t stay away from each other longer than 55 seconds.

And now here they are – bodies touching.

Daehwi does not need this right now.  _Go away Dongho, go away!_  He wills as forcefully as possible.

This silent banishing spell is doing nothing. Dongho is paying him no mind as he’s desperately trying to communicate something to Daniel who is seated beside Jaehwan on the opposite end of the table. “Daniel just think objectively – I’m telling you to pay more attention to everyone. Is that so hard? Kenta’s already spoken to you once too. You don’t need to be so defensive about this.” Dongho’s expression is stressed. Daehwi feels his heart lurch into his throat with worry and an automatic desire to side with Dongho which is both irrational and incredibly stupid. He had thought with this continued exposure to Kang Dongho, his reactions would have subsided slightly – but he was still just as affected as ever.

This is pathetic. Here were the two manliest trainees in Produce101 about to break into what he was sure MNet would edit into a fight and Daehwi is sitting here thinking about how his legs are touching Kang Dongho’s legs and how he wishes he wore shorts today.

Capital P, Pathetic.

“I understand what you’re saying – BUT if I get at least the stronger half of the team set up then I can really spend all my time with the rest of the team and use their help to teach each one of you - one on one. That’s what I’m doing today okay? So just stop. It’ll be fine. I SWEAR.” Daniel’s tone of desperation quiets Dongho who just raises his eyebrows and scoffs nodding his head as if he doesn't want to address it anymore.

Minhyun looks between the two Kang brothers and lets out a low whistle which is immediately underappreciated by the ‘Open Up’ duo. “Yes?” Dongho responds to his friend who simply raises both his hands.

“You guys are worse than-“ Minhyun catches his tongue just as the words _‘Yoo Seonho’_  was about to slip out of his mouth. “A married couple.” He ends off casually as Seonho flares his nostrils jokingly. Guanlin scoffs sarcastically but otherwise keeps his mouth shut as Seonho rolls his eyes at him. Their tentative cease fire at the breakfast table still obviously needed a resolution.

“It’s hard but Daniel – just manage everyone well okay?” Jonghyun added softly, obviously trying to appease Dongho.

This attempt at appeasing Dongho did nothing for the normally light hearted Daniel. “Like I need a lecture from you too, hyung. Can’t everyone just trust me for once?” Daniel grumbles quietly as the rest of the table turns to look at him questionably. Daniel was not this kid – sure Dongbin could be – on occasion Taedong looked visibly irritated with his team but Daniel always had a smile on his face.

This show of disrespect to Jonghyun has Dongho even more visibly displeased. “Kang Daniel - why did you become our leader if you couldn’t take criticism on your style? We’re telling you something is not working…shouldn’t you try to listen instead of defending yourself?” Dongho's words are incredibly callous and rude.

Daniel looks visibly hurt and drops his spoon almost immediately into the cereal bowl in front of him. “In case you don’t remember Dongho hyung, you basically volunteered me on camera. If you think you’ll do better, please take over for me. Please!” Daehwi feels a bit bad for Dongho who looks disturbed by Daniel’s outburst.

This time - thankfully - Woojin appears to have taken it onto himself to dispel the tension at the breakfast table courtesy of the Kang brothers. “And I thought Never had problems…the real team I should be taping is 'Open Up' for VJ Park Woojin's Concept Stage Break. Today’s episode – Dongho vs. Daniel – who pulls off the scowling face more accurately? Defending contender Kang Dongho or suddenly angry puppy Kang Daniel?”

The entire table is silent with no one really knowing how to react to Woojin's weird monologue.

Daehwi gulps weakly as he glances around the table until he turns and finds Dongho's gaze is fixed directly on him. This is doing nothing to calm his frantic heart...because Dongho is staring right at Daehwi with a look - just one look – and it basically says ‘What the hell?’

Sure, tensions are running at record highs for both Concept teams, Dongho and Daniel may at any second truly have a scowl fight like Woojin said and yes Yoo Seonho was 100% throwing a bit of a tantrum today because he was very conflicted on his feelings with Lai Guanlin- But Daehwi?

Daehwi couldn’t be happier.

Kang Dongho has chosen to exchange this look with him. He has his choice of people at this table. Daehwi had seen him laugh with Jaehwan, Dongho had years of memories with Jonghyun and Minhyun and he’s constantly assaulted by the CUBE chicks BUT- He chose him for this look. This weird inside joke sort of look where he looks torn between continuing to rip into Daniel and changing direction and laughing at Daehwi's labelmate.

"Hi.” Daehwi finds himself mumbling when Dongho’s gaze stays fixed on his. Daehwi thought he'd look away after sometime but he didn't. His face starts to slack so Daehwi props up a wrist and supports his chin as his eyes peer into Dongho’s.

Honestly, he could care less that they were in front of everyone right now. He has just been hypnotized.

This was exactly why when he saw the guy he had to run 100 miles in the opposite direction. Daehwi knows he’s too far gone – it’s too obvious. He’s 100% gone to a very stupid place where literally all this guy has to do is look at him and he’s a melted piece of human trash.

At his greeting, Daehwi is happy to see Dongho’s expression melt away too from his current distressed state into shaking his head laughing. “Yah, Lee Daehwi – just looking at you makes me laugh, stop looking at me like that.” He ruffles his hair as if to cover Daehwi’s face with his bangs. The rest of the table stays quiet as they observe the two – Minhyun throws Jonghyun a look but his leader is ignoring him for now, choosing to focus on his cereal instead of Daehwi and Dongho’s exchange.

From the far side of the table, Daehwi is irritated when his conversation with Dongho is interrupted by Seonho – yet again. “Yo Woojin, I thought puppy was my nickname.”

Minhyun takes over explaining this difference to his puppy. “Seonho-ya, you’re like a St Bernard – cute but high maintenance. Daniel is a golden retriever – the ultimate pet that will definitely become the most loved in the world. You’re in totally different leagues. You slobber, he hugs.” Seonho frowns as he clings on tighter to Minhyun. “This entire description was meant to turn you away from me.”

“That’s never going to happen. I’m going to support hyung all the way to the end even if he doesn’t love me –“

“Then please-“ Minhyun pleads with him holding both his hands in his. “Support my lower back and never jump on me unexpectedly again. It honestly might break. I'm old Seonho-ya.”

Guanlin snickers as Seonho throws him a disconcerting look before sighing and nodding. “Fine, five second warnings is all you get. I can’t control myself longer than that.”

“I’ll take it.” Minhyun flatlines as Seonho beams brightly pulling his hand up and slowly counting down on his fingers until he can jump on Minhyun again.

Throughout the other conversations flying past the trainees at the table, Daehwi is distinctly aware of the fact that his eyes keep catching Dongho’s.

Daehwi’s breath is latching in his throat but Dongho is entirely unaffected, simply snickering every time their eyes connect before he looks away muffling his laughs in his palms in a way that is criminally adorable.

“Feeling better?” Daehwi asks softly so as to not alert everyone around them.

“Yeah, why? Do I look sick?” Dongho responds a bit more seriously. That was good, that meant that Dongho was in a good enough mood that Daehwi could tease him in public.

“Why do you cause trouble wherever you go?”

“Trouble?”

“Yeah, trouble! You and Sewoon – you and Daniel – I’m starting to think you have a leader complex.” Jonghyun bursts out laughing as soon as he hears Daehwi’s hypothesis. “Stop causing trouble wherever you go…it’s stressful.”

“Listen to Daehwi! Stop causing trouble wherever you go!” Jaehwan agrees as he holds Daniel who is laughing at Dongho’s obvious discomfort.

In retaliation, Dongho can do nothing but stare around the table as everyone collectively nods. “Come on guys – I’m not trouble for leaders."

“100% you are trouble for leaders. Take it from me if you wont hear it from the others.” Jonghyun iterates nodding his head. “There's too much creativity and vision to be constrained to a logical plan for Kang Dongho.” Dongho stares dumbly at his friends and then eventually at his original accuser, Daehwi. Daehwi puts on his best bright smiling face, his tongue sticking out just slightly playful as he sees Dongho’s expression change. He no longer looks uncomfortable - which is relieving for Daehwi - but he does look mischevious - which should have been enough warning for Daehwi if he was paying attention to anything other than Dongho's tattoo, poking out of his sheer white shirt.

Instead, he's caught completely unaware when Dongho pinches his side. Daehwi is left squealing as he ends up squishing himself into a ball. “Daehwi-ya – you’re too comfortable with me for someone so young!”

“But you gave me permission! You can’t take it back now!”

“Dongho! Stop causing trouble wherever you go!” Seonho mimics brightly as Daehwi bursts into laughter again seeing Dongho's face crumble at Seonho's lack of honorific.

“Yah- Yoo Seonho, who let you talk to me that way? Just cause Daehwi has permission doesn’t mean you do - come here you little brat-“ Dongho tries reaching for him but Seonho has already lunged out of his grasp. Dongho is strong but Seonho is fast and in this case his muscle has weighed him down as the road runner has immediately cowered behind Guanlin’s broad shoulders.

Jonghyun, as the rightful leader of Kang Dongho, has full right to reveal all of his secrets. “You’re too pushy and stubborn – and don’t even get me started on sleeping together with you in the dorms.” Daehwi immediately starts choking on his cereal as Woojin pats him kindly on his back.

Well, that wasn’t going to help – he wasn’t actually choking on anything other than his brain involuntarily conjuring a vision of him sleeping with Dongho in the same bed. Not that he minds at all, but it is making him feel uncomfortably hot since he's sitting beside said man in a public forum. 

Dongho is kindly shoving a glass of water in his face which Daehwi gratefully grasps and gulps down in an attempt to cool himself off quickly. “I’m not that bad- you’re all being dramatic. AS USUAL.” Dongho adds trying to discredit his members who are snickering, shaking their heads at their main vocal.

“Yeah, right.” Minhyun folds his hands under his face. “There’s a reason Minki moved in with me in those first few years. Who’d want to sleep with you if all you’re going to do is just grab them like a human pillow all the time?”

Before he can control it, Daehwi feels a wistful sigh slip out of his mouth as the table turns to look at him. “Ah- I just-“ Okay, how does he end that sentence without everyone understanding that he basically would love to trade places with anyone in the Nu’est dorm if offered? “I feel better now. Thanks for the water!” He proceeds to drink yet another glass of water remarkably quickly, just to shut himself up. Dear god, there was a good reason he had been avoiding Kang Dongho – especially as he was getting closer to Minhyun and Jonghyun. It was getting too easy to let his affection for the older guy show. “Hey is it already like 9:30 that’s late guys –“

“It’s 7:45 Daehwi –“ Daniel offers helpfully but Daehwi giggles nervously rubbing his hair.

“You know what – my clock doesn’t even work? But like oh well - more time to practice – see you guys later, bye!” He leaps off the table and flies away before he can give into the temptation to turn around and look at Kang Dongho again.

He ducks into the door behind the cafeteria, breathing heavily as he leans against the door. That was a close call. 

He manages to catch his breath a few minutes later - and his heart is finally at a steady, regular pace. He feels his curiousity get the better of him as he wonders if everyone is still at the table - or more specifically if Dongho had noticed him behaving strangely and if that had affected his behaviour in anyway. 

Daehwi pokes his head in through the cafeteria doors to examine his little Breakfast club - everyone looks like they'd moved onto a more safe topic of conversation - and as he scans the group to finally land his eyes on the strongest trainee in Produce101, he's surprised to find that the man had been looking at him first. 

In fact, Dongho had been waiting for his eyes to glance over to his, he tilts his head and furrows his eyebrows and he looks like he wants to ask Daehwi something. Though what, Daehwi couldn't tell you because he sure as hell was not going to stick around to find out.

Daehwi curses himself for being selfish enough with his heart to take a second look. Instead, he decides to wave brightly and openly at the table before running along to the practice room. God why did Dongho have to catch him taking a second glance? 

It's only once he's finally feeling the fog of emotion leave his brain that he realizes that he wasn't the one who was caught in a weird position. 

Dongho had been the one looking at the door from the moment he left to the moment he came back.

\------------------------


	8. Punch King

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm...sooo.....I got carried away with Never...soz it's just too many of my favs in one team...I can't not write 3500 words about one four minute video on YouTube guys XD

“Is Donghyun that strong?” Jonghyun asks Daehwi suddenly.

They’re all sitting together with the other concept groups during the ‘Punch King’ battle where his beloved Brand New idiot, Kim Donghyun, has just volunteered himself to punch his way into the National Producers' hearts.

Daehwi catches Youngmin’s eyes before the two Brand New trainees burst out laughing. 

“He’s going to embarrass us all. Especially if he does his weird Dragon-Ball Z power-up before running to the machine.” Youngmin answers instead, the groan of metaphorical pain evident in his voice.

Daehwi sees Minhyun turn to look at Jonghyun, the former just barely smiling when he sees how the latter is immediately excited by the information that there is a fellow anime addict in their midst.

“Let’s put it this way...one day, I was meeting up with some of the old JYP trainees and Donghyun found out Somi was going to be there. My favourite well-meaning idiot snuck in and totally just stared at Somi the whole time like a creep. Then, when we were all saying goodbye, he almost injured her unintentionally because he hugged her too tightly.” Daehwi interlinks his arms easily with Jonghyun resting his chin on his leader’s shoulders. “The final report is in…my kid Donghyun is a freak.”

His proclamation holds no real conviction amongst Never because almost immediately Woojin scoffs. “You say this – but you love Donghyun the most from all of us. 'Donghyun – hold my hand! Donghyun can you get me ice, my feet hurt! Donghyun I want a massage please! Donghyun can you listen to this – we’re going to have to sing it together and I want to hear your thoughts! Donghyun-', should I continue?"

“Someone’s so jealous! You’re a freak too, don’t worry Woojin-ah. I think all of you at Brand New are freaks and guess what? I love all my freaks equally.” Daehwi kisses Woojin’s head as their resident Baby Rapper flails wildly trying in vain to limit the amount of physical affection he received.

Thankfully, this mission is given up quickly when Daehwi wraps his arms over Woojin's shoulders. “Why do I do this to myself?”

“No clueeeee.” Daehwi singsongs, laying his head on top of Woojin’s head. Woojin pretends he hates physical contact but Daehwi knows better. Woojin is the only one who ever truly relaxes in his grasp amongst the Brand New group.

Their embrace is short-lived as all of the trainees have their attention pulled towards the punching machine when a loud bang echoes ominously in the room.

Daehwi’s eyes become the size of saucers. The trainees break out in shrieks and claps. “Holy shit!” Seongwoo screams as Daehwi reached for Jonghyun reflexively in excitement. “Remind me to never to piss off Donghyun guys!”

“Why would you piss Donghyun off?” Daniel asks from beside him as Seongwoo laughs at him leaning a bit closer to the younger boy.

“Daniel, I like to piss everyone off – it’s my favourite thing to do. Mostly because no one can stay upset with me but I’d like to keep my pretty face away from that kid.”

“Don’t worry – there’s very little chance of you ever pissing Donghyun off. He is literally the most easy going and bor-“ Before he can finish, Daehwi feels Youngmin hit his shoulder so he is forced to pout and change his words. “He’s just a nice kid.” When Donghyun throws one finger in the air and begins referring to himself as number one while mimicking the 'Pick Me' dance, Daehwi cringes. Both Youngmin and Daehwi are now hiding their faces in their hands. “Hyung, you should go up next...get him off that airtime before he embarrasses himself more.”

Youngmin points to himself questioning. "Me? Uh...I don't think so."

“Oh come on – you can’t do as bad as Seongwoo.”

“I could do better than you, Lee Daehwi!” Seongwoo yells in shock rubbing his chest in mock-offense.

“No one said you wouldn’t, Ong!” Daehwi pushes back as they both narrow their eyes at each other for exactly two seconds before cracking up in laughs.

Minhyun, ever the voice of reason and sense in their little group, shakes his head. “You two have too much fun pretending you don’t like each other.”

“Well, god Minhyun don’t just go telling everyone – you’re going to ruin our street cred.” Seongwoo wraps his arms around Daehwi who gladly reciprocates cuddling into his hug easily.

He really does love the Never team. In Boys In Luv, there had always been a sense of competition amongst the trainees and then in the Playing with Fire team – well Daehwi hadn’t been able to rest peacefully even once. He was either worried about the Sewoon-Dongho dynamic or his own dynamic with Dongho.

Never had none of those issues. Sure, they were still in a competition but Daehwi wasn’t interested in any of them romantically which already made things a lot easier.

At Seongwoo’s urging, Youngmin does go up and even gets a fairly good score but it’s not enough to dethrone Donghyun who is grinning a little too widely at being able to defeat the eldest rapper in their company.

Everyone takes a shot at dethroning Donghyun to no avail – there’s Donghan, Daniel, and Heeseok really takes them all by surprise (for god’s sake the kid is an Engineering student who is not supposed to have time to work out).

Daehwi is surprised that the one person everyone is waiting to volunteer to kick Donghyun off the pedestal, just doesn’t do it. How could it be that there could be a challenge that was basically scripted just for Kang Dongho and he’s just sitting there laughing away into Kim Yongguk’s ear as the two conspire to take over the world with their honey vocals?

Okay, that was likely not what they were talking about but – “Is Dongho that strong?” Daehwi asks Jonghyun pointedly repeating Jonghyun's own question to him from earlier. “I mean, this is basically going to be an edit about him if he volunteers – he knows that right?”

Jonghyun is not who replies to him. It is the mildly scheming, but always well-intentioned Minhyun who has one eyebrow raised suggestively. “If he does go up and beat the record, are you going to be impressed Daehwi?”

He feels that strange flush start to build as Minhyun looks at him carefully, waiting for something in his façade to crack. Daehwi hasn’t been training for 5 years to let Hwang Minhyun psych him out. “To be honest, I doubt he would do anything on purpose to get screen time.”

Minhyun appears appeased with his answer even though Daehwi hadn't really responded to his question. “Well, Dongho doing something on purpose to gain attention for himself is like Kim Kardashian trying not to take selfies – not going to happen. He has a habit of falling into accidents.”

Their MC for the evening, power vocalist Hoesung, has decided to call Dongho out on his lack of participation. “EVERYONE, WHO IS OUR BOSS HERE IN PRODUCE101?”

Daehwi sees Donghyun gulp and wants to laugh at his friend but resists. Instead, he chooses to glance at the aforementioned ‘BOSS’. Dongho is caught unaware as he points at himself jokingly. Oh please, Daehwi can't help but roll his eyes, like he didn't know they were all talking about him. He's just sitting there - looking cute and smiling around until everyone starts chanting his name like a prayer.

"Oh, yeah, Dongho is ridiculously strong.” Jonghyun leans into his ear to say this which makes Daehwi almost jump up a mile in the air as he places a hand weakly on his heart. He feels physically assaulted when Jonghyun winks at him.

Nu'est is going to be the death of him. “Jonghyun hyung– you are adorable in that completely self-deprecating way but please put that wink away. You’re not Park Jihoon.”

“Savage.” Minhyun snickers as Jonghyun is blushing beet red. Daehwi blows Minhyun a kiss that Minhyun fake catches and places close to his heart as the Never team laughs.

All of them focus on Kang Dongho as he finally gets up from his seat on the floor and nods his head like he understands their mini audience will not be appeased until they get what they want.

Daehwi settles for nuzzling into Jonghyun’s side. Thankfully, Jonghyun seems to be incredibly comfortable with this, likely because he is already used to four guys hanging off him at any point in the day. Minhyun noticing their exchange scoffs. “The two of you are looking at him in the exact same way…like you’re worried he’ll break the machine.”

Jonghyun groans. “Don’t you think he will? I don’t know if he’ll be able to hold back enough. I still remember when he was joking he could break my cell phone with his hands and he actually did!”

He doesn’t say it out-loud but Daehwi kind of wants him to break the machine.

One, it would mean this stupid battle is over and they can get back to practice. Two, Daehwi had always wanted to see just how strong he was.

Everyone knew Dongho was strong – anyone who had seen the guy’s fists tense up knew that. Throughout the show however, Dongho had been incredibly restrained with how he expressed his frustrations. Now that Daehwi knew him better, he couldn’t imagine Dongho hurting anything.

Okay, well maybe he could imagine Dongho hurting his feelings. That he imagined every night.

“I’ve always wanted to see Dongho hyung fight someone –“ Seonho perks up as all of the team shakes their head at him.

“First with Minki – then Dongho – you need to stop encouraging bad behaviour Seonho.” Minhyun snickers as Seonho huffs annoyed his contribution is not appreciated by the larger group.

“Hyung, I don’t tell you to do anything bad – just hug me.” Seonho has immediately latched onto Minhyun for support the same way Jonghyun and Daehwi are hugging. Except it’s much worse, because while Daehwi comes in a short travel-sized package - Seonho is all long legs and Louis Vuitton limbs.

Minhyun looks like he’s wrapped in an asylum strait jacket made of Seonho. “Yeah, I don’t really want to do that ALL the time Seonho.” Minhyun’s pleas are left unheard as the rest of the team stifles their laughter. Despite his protests, Minhyun pulls Seonho’s arms over his shoulders so that he’s a bit more comfortable and lets the chick trainee stay on his frame.

Up ahead, Dongho readies himself at the front to annihilate the machine. Daehwi feels his lips purse. Dongho’s not even going to use a run up to the machine. He’s literally standing there with no momentum behind him – just ready to punch.

Maybe he wouldn’t score that well –

But then the loud punch comes through. Immediately, Dongho walks away from the number,  _just_ in case it doesn’t measure up to Donghyun’s.

But the number display flashes the loud red ‘947’ and the audience erupts in cheers. It's a tie and Donghyun is promptly seated on Dongho’s lap as they share the king's throne. 

He must have tensed up noticeably because Jonghyun has turned around to smile at him. “Impressed yet?” His leader is wiggling his eyebrows in a strange way that Daehwi does not appreciate.

“Sure – I now know two people with ridiculous arm strength who can kill me at any point.” He would much rather die in Dongho’s arms than Donghyun’s. At least, he'd die happy and delirious.

“Daehwi- holy shit! THAT WAS- How did hyung even get just the same score?! God, I want to go try this now but – I’m really bad at this stuff.” Daehwi should be paying attention to poor Guanlin sharing his emotions but he’s just feeling incredibly envious of his little freak Donghyun who gets to openly wrap his arms around Dongho’s shoulders.

Unconsciously, Daehwi tightens his hold on Jonghyun who coughs uncomfortably but otherwise has no vocal complaint.

Seonho has decided to respond in Daehwi's silence to Guanlin. “Guanlin – just go work out or you’re never going to be a ‘swaggy rapper’.”  Woojin who had been dozing off behind them bursts into laughter.

A look from Guanlin silences him.

For three seconds.

Then he’s laughing at the Taiwanese kid again, Guanlin moans in desperation. “God, I hate you.”  

“Which one? Me or Woojin?” Seonho asks in a super irritating voice that Daehwi is sure he's faking on purpose to bug Guanlin more so than usual.

“Both of you!”

Seonho appears peeved to this response as he detaches himself from Minhyun and crawls over to sit beside Guanlin. “You hate me more though, right?”

Daehwi is about to say something but Woojin is quickly clamping a hand over his mouth. Guanlin doesn’t respond but just chooses to look at the ground weakly.

Up at the front, where Donghyun and Dongho are still lovingly glancing at each other’s biceps it is decided that the two of them are going to have a rematch because there are no ties in Produce101.

Daehwi resists the urge to roll his eyes.

Drama.

What a surprise.

In minutes as expected, Dongho beats out Donghyun. Daehwi watches as the rest of the trainees run around him and congratulate Dongho but Daehwi can’t really bring himself to go up to him.

“For someone who asks a lot of questions about him, you’re staying back now-“

“It’s busy!” Daehwi insists as Jonghyun is smiling at him with an understanding grin that is annoying because Daehwi has a strange feeling Jonghyun knows every little thing running through his mind. Instead, Daehwi chooses to start bossing his fellow team members around because the more he encourages Jonghyun the more he gives himself away. 

“Seonho,” Daehwi watches as Haknyeon leaves their group first to run towards Dongho happily high-fiving him. Dongho easily lifts the younger Jeju boy into his arms laughing.

“Woojin,” Then there’s Kenta who is already there by his team mate's side -  punching Dongho on the arm lightly.

Daehwi feels Guanlin shift beside him so he can go congratulate his mentor. A harmless action, no doubt, but Daehwi can't stand the thought of another person being able to openly express what he can't towards Kang Dongho.

So he really can't help himself when he shrieks in an alarmingly loud voice. “LAI GUANLIN!”

Guanlin screams girlishly - mostly because he is scared out of his wits. He turns to look at him, holding a hand over his rapidly thumping heart. “What the hell Daehwi? Why are you yelling my name?”

Daehwi is now aware that some parts of the room noticed his outburst. “Ah, did I yell? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!” He holds his hands together doing the dance. He feels a prickle on his neck and turns to see Dongho looking at him with a smirk on his face. Then the guy has the audacity to wave at him.

Prick.

“What is it?” Guanlin asks irritated while Seonho and Woojin wait for their direction as well.

“It’d be best if we went back to practice right away and you’re actually center you crazy Taiwanese sausage –“

“Okay – just because that is actually the name of an amazing dish that doesn’t make it appropriate for you to say that because you KNOW what that sounds like in English.” 

Unfortunately for Guanlin, Seonho immediately starts asking repeatedly what is a ‘Taiwanese Sausage’? 

Jonghyun has to save the maknae line from themselves. “Guys – Daehwi is right, all of us need to practice a lot more. Seonho, didn’t you say you wanted to blow us all out of the water? Go start learning from Woojin and Daehwi, you work on explaining the formation to Guanlin again. I’ll join you guys in 10. Minhyun, go with them to make sure they don’t spontaneously combust.”

“I’m not a babysitter.” Minhyun's complaints run on deaf ears as Jonghyun grins at him teasingly and walks away from them.

All five of them are on their way to practice - with both temporary centers at hand. Daehwi only pauses at the door once to look at Dongho and sighs to himself.

Unluckily, Woojin catches him. “Why do you look so sad? Donghyun is happy. He did pretty well for himself today.”

“I’m not sad.” He really isn’t, at least not about what Woojin thinks he’s sad about.

“You’re sighing like a fish.” Woojin explains as the rest of them turn to look at him. “Sighing like a wish?” They are even more confused. “I’m not sure what I’m trying to say here – let me text Hyeongsub.”

“Your reliance on the kid is getting a bit weird.”

“I know I think so too –“

“When you feel that way you’re supposed to stop relying on the person.” Daehwi is not one to talk – he isn’t relying on Dongho. At least not really, but he is feeling incredibly weird about the guy.

If he closes his eyes he can see it – he walks up to Dongho, holds out his hand and just easily congratulates him. That's the realistic vision, but then there's the one that his brain is tempting him with. The one where there's a very vivid image of them laughing and fooling around with each other. Daehwi would have made fun of his strength. Dongho would have shown off his muscles – they would have looked at each other with barely shielded affection. Daehwi would have pretended to fall and then Dongho would have reached to grab him with his strong arms and then –

He needs to come up with a new adjective.

He’s gone beyond pathetic. 

\--------------------

The day has come - they are all being driven to the ranking studio courtesy of currently slacking rapper San-E and their CEO who is so nervous he looks like he is the one getting eliminated today.

“Remember all four of you have done really well and no matter what happens in there I’m proud of you all – especially you Woojin-ah.” Rhymer is a good CEO. Daehwi respects him a lot as an artist and a businessman.

Woojin beams at the specific praise directed his way. From all the Brand New trainees, Woojin is the most susceptible to feeling down on himself. He is the most introverted, the most careful, and to be fair also the one with the lowest starting rank in Produce101.

Yes, Daehwi respects Rhymer a lot for how he treats and cares for the four of them but recently-

The guy has pretty much been on his balls 24/7. “Daehwi – don't forget-"

“Don’t talk. Don’t move. Don’t say anything stupid. Stop fooling around with the young kids and pay more attention to how I’m portrayed on screen.” He listed them off one by one on his fingers. “I feel like I’m missing one.” He wiggles his thumb cheekily, watching as Rhymer frowned at him. The 40 year old man looks like he’s having a mild heart attack every time he looks at Daehwi nowadays.

"Daehwi- I’m only saying this for your benefit – besides you’re doing really well now. If you just mind yourself, you’ll be fine in there. I don't want the internet uselessly hating on my kid."

“Daehwi-ya, the thing you forgot was that you have to send us the updates on the JYP group chat. Jo Kwon keeps reminding me to tell you that because you’ve been slacking off lately and Jihoon’s not picking your slack up.” San-E is one of Daehwi's favourite hyungs, mostly because he had been the guy who had taught Daehwi how to rap in the first place.

“This is all my fault for adopting you guys.” Rhymer sighs as Daehwi grins sticking his tongue out. Youngmin and Donghyun exchange secretive grins. “I need to stop taking in rebellious and insanely talented JYP kids.”

“Isn’t it the best how he’s always insulting us but showcasing his love at the same time?” San E is promptly hit over the head by his CEO.

“Focus on driving, the kids have to get to the show alive.” Despite San E’s flippant driving, the four of them do end up walking into the studio alive. The ranking gets closer to being a reality and Daehwi feels the edge of nervous twiddle on his hands as his fingers start playing with themselves.

This is not a safe ranking for him. At this point, even Kang Dongho had surpassed him. Rank 8. Daehwi is barely clinging on to the Top 11 at this point as Rank 10.

He needs space, he needs air – he needs time to himself. “Guys, I’m going to the washroom quickly – “

“Ah, I should come too!” Donghyun speaks up brightly as Daehwi frowns at him. He loves the kid but he does not want to pee with Donghyun, he does enough oversharing with him at the Brand New dorm. “What?”

Does Donghyun really have to ask him that? “Dude, come on – we can’t go together.”

“Why not?” Donghyun is baffled.

“Guys don’t go to the washroom together Donghyun – it’s weird.” Youngmin offers up kindly as he pulls Donghyun away and nods along to Daehwi. "Go ahead - don't be long they'll start recording soon. "

Daehwi nods and makes his way past Yongguk who is literally praying by himself in a corner. When he finally gets to the washroom he doesn’t actually have to go and has no idea what to do with himself.

So he ends up standing before the sink, splashing water on his face and talking to himself. Like a crazy person. “You’re going to be fine – things are going to be great – I mean look at what your hair looks like now. It’s not black anymore because you have nothing to apologize for. You are motherfucking awesome Lee Daehwi - so you go out there and you show everyone just how awesome you are –“

A flush alerts him that he is not alone in this washroom. Seconds later, he sees Dongho walk out of the stall. Daehwi quickly backs away from his sink despite the fact there’s another free one for the 101 Punch King.

Right, they hadn’t been alone together since that whole Punch fiasco. “Lee Daehwi is unnecessarily nervous again?”

“Unnecessary to you.” Daehwi responds with more than a healthy tone of irritation in his voice. Dongho looks at him with a skeptical expression. "Oh come on - I’m Kang Dongho! Look at me I just broke top 11 and I'm going to be number 8 again this week and totally kill the rankings and set everyone around me on fire because I’m sexy bandit who just does that on a regular basis taking the hearts of every noona fan alive–“

Dongho bursts out laughing as he finishes drying his hands. Not that Daehwi can blame him, his rant was absolutely ridiculous. Though, Daehwi does feel like he’s on fire.

He needs to stop flaming up every time the guy was in a five meter radius of him. Can he wash his face again?

“Daehwi, relax.” Dongho pats a thankfully clean and dry hand on his shoulders. “Come on, deep breaths. Look at me.” Oh well, if he was telling him to look at him, Daehwi wasn’t going to reject the offer.

He isn’t at all expecting the way Dongho’s left palm has found its way to cupping his cheek as his face has ended up dangerously close to his. He doesn't even dare to blink as he feels Dongho’s breath on his ears.

Surely, this is all just some weird platonic gesture and not some Machiavellian strategy conjured by Dongho to make sure he faints in this washroom? “You’re going to be fine.” Dongho's words saunter through his ears - silky and smooth just like his vocals. It’s making Daehwi weak in the knees. He feels himself grab the sink beside him for support as Dongho shifts back away from his face like he'd never been there in the first place.

His eyes are transfixed on his and Daehwi gulps when he feels his gaze automatically drop to his lips.

He is choking again because he can't breathe but he manages to keep a straight face. Thankfully, this time Dongho isn’t laughing at him, telling Daehwi to stop looking at him or telling Daehwi that he’s just a kid-

“Do you believe me?” Dongho asks softly, head tilted to the side.

Does Daehwi have a choice? In this position, he’ll believe whatever Dongho wants him to believe. “Okay.”

Dongho shoots him a small, barely perceptible smile on his otherwise stoic face and then nods his head exiting the washroom without so much as a good bye or a good luck. 

Daehwi is left staring at himself in the mirror as he feels his hands slowly come up to touch the side of his cheek. It's warm like the sun had come too close and left him with the sensation of Dongho's fingers burning into his skin.

What the hell was that?

\---------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ULTERIOR MOTIVE FOR POSTING EARLIER THAN PLANNED: It's Dongho's birthday on July 21st. There's a stream event happening :) (Dongho has literally sang a song called Happy Birthday - Baekho which is pretty cute if you ever want to hear it)
> 
> Also unconfirmed that on the 25th Nu'est is releasing a new song and well.
> 
> W1 is dropping all these teasers for their videos like omg I cannot.
> 
> So yeah - in case you guys didn't know wanted to let you guys know just mostly about Dongho's birthday :)!
> 
> *runs away and then comes back* PS I'll probably try to post that day too if I can :) *runs away again*


	9. Vaseline and Towels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning - nothing major will really happen but there will be lots of talking about how glorious Kang Dongho's proportions and body are (but nothing lewd)
> 
> Still you are forewarned (but since it's his birthday I guess I can unleash a bit more of my Donghohwe than normal XD)

As assured, his worries were put to rest – not only was Daehwi safe – Kang Dongho had done the impossible. He had made it a possibility that 3 Nu'est members could end up in the top 11.  

Daehwi was ranked higher than him though. When he was walking up to take his seat, Dongho openly snickered so loudly a producer had him retake the shot. The second time he was quieter but then he pointed at him jokingly.

This led to a third take where finally Dongho quieted down after Daehwi gave him a look that would make anyone's blood run cold. After the take was done, Dongho threw his hands up in an apologetic way and then smiled at him.

That was when the realization hit Daehwi. There was a real chance that come in a few weeks, Kang Dongho and him could be living together under one roof for the forseeable future.

So he smiled back. 

The worst part of the elimination, other than saying goodbye to some of his new friends, had been Samuel. Seeing him fall was not something Daehwi expected or wanted. To be honest, he still doesn’t really understand it. “You okay?” He had asked his friend shortly after the cameras had stopped rolling but Kim Samuel just smiled at him and shook his head instead choosing to run over to congratulate Jonghyun happily on his safeguarded #1 spot.

Instead now - he is here. It is 4:00AM. He had honestly thought today of all days he might be able to sleep properly. He had been emotionally and physically exhausted...and things were only going to get more ridiculous tomorrow if he got shifted out of Never.

But no - Daehwi does not deserve sleep because someone in the heavens above has it out for him. He's sure of it. Why else would he meet someone like Kang Dongho on his one lucky chance to make it big in Korea?

Here he is, standing beside Dumb and Dumber because a mere 15 minutes ago at 3:45AM, Daehwi had been rudely awoken by the sound of Youngmin’s irritatingly high pitched ringtone. 

“Guys, come on – we’re not like 12.” He’s forced to complain, again, as both Youngmin and Donghyun have taken to ignoring him.

Youngmin and Donghyun give each other the same annoyed look, huffing in a manner so synchronized that it practically screams sub-unit. “Daehwi, this is exactly why we don’t hang out with you anymore. You’re such a goody two shoes. Listen to your hyung for once, will you?” Youngmin shakes his head disapprovingly, obviously trying his best to pull the age card on him. “Come on, just follow our lead – we wouldn’t be Brand New Trainees if we didn’t cause a mess once in a while! We’re from the hip hop label! If we aren’t bad asses, who here is?!”

Donghyun nods along, like the sheep he is when it comes to his boyfriend.

Daehwi gives him a look that’s meant to silence him before he says anything mean to Daehwi too. Donghyun was always doing whatever Youngmin asked him to do blindly! He hated young love. Hated it! “Youngmin is right, you are no fun lately. You’re too caught up in the competition, man. Let loose! Live a little!”

“I'm so loose! I'm more flexible than you idiot and that is so not true! I am so much fun. I know how to play every board game on this planet!” Youngmin and Donghyun both sputter out laughing. At least, they both also had the shame to attempt to cover their identical megawatt smiles with their palms. “Besides, you guys, Woojin’s the real party pooper anyways – he never wants to hang out with you two. At least, I spend time with you losers.” They should be thanking him. “I mean, let’s be real, I was a top 1 candidate guys! I'm totally slumming it here with you losers - my time is so valuable."

Donghyun and Youngmin exchange a look and shrug as they reply in unison. “Woojin is- unique. You’re just a dick.” Then realizing they both said the exact same thing, the two continue giggling like little girls, promptly leaving out Daehwi. Yet, again.

“This is why I don’t hang out with you two! Jesus – you’re just flirting all the time. Just go make out in a corner and get it over with!” Both Youngmin and Donghyun immediately stop and instead focus their attention on pummelling either of his arms. “God, this is what my life would be like if I just – ended up with you guys. I have to get into the group and somehow sabotage you Youngmin-hyung.” Though to be honest, if he didn’t end up with at least one of the fellow Brand New trainees in the top 11, he would feel lonely. 

“Lee Daehwi – just get your head on straight and hold the petroleum jelly.” Youngmin pulls out a massive tub of Vaseline the size of Daehwi’s own face and shoves it into his hands.

Daehwi has a lot of questions he wants to ask.

Like where is this jar even sold?

Why does Youngmin have this large a jar?

Why is Donghyun winking at him as he is holding said jar?

Okay, with that last one in mind, he no longer wants answers to any of those questions.

The three Brand New trainees enter the communal bathroom as silently and carefully as possible. It isn't a bad attempt given that one of them resembles an alpaca and the other a buffalo in more ways than one. “This is going to be fucking legendary – we’re going to go down as the best company in P101 history man.” Donghyun whispers excitedly.

Well of course, he’s excited. Donghyun was basically a criminal in the making anyways.

His ultimate crime? Being so fucking boring in an incredibly charming way. Daehwi had literally never met someone who could do both as effortlessly as him.

“Or we’ll end up getting kicked out of the competition because the two of you are interested in making a bunch of asses smooth. Might I politely add- I think this has to be the most technically 'gay' prank I have heard of. The fact that the two of you thought this shit up together? It’s just speaks volumes as to how -“ Daehwi’s ramble on their relationship is stopped short as Donghyun places a finger on his lips.

Daehwi looks at it distastefully. Noticing his young Daehwi’s discomfort, Youngmin pulls Donghyun’s hand down and holds it in his own smiling shyly at his boyfriend.

Daehwi gags more than he thought possible before.

They were sickening. Sickening!

“What’s the big deal?” Youngmin asks him, concern slipping into his voice as Daehwi watches their fingers lace together and resists rolling his eyes.

“Look – there’s someone inside.” Donghyun looks fearfully at Youngmin. Daehwi is hoping the two will call off this prank. For gods sake, it isn’t even that funny – Vaseline on toilet seats so people slip off them?

Is it even going to work? “It is literally 4AM…AND now there’s people awake. Can we please leave? I don’t want to touch toilet seats you sickos.” Daehwi lowered his voice as much as possible. Just getting here without getting caught by cameras had been a mission and a half.

“Yeah, but they’re only showering so they’re not likely to catch us. We could probably do this super quick and get the hell out.” Great, more stress. “Daehwi – since you’re such a wimpy germophobe – just keep a look out. Stay in the shower zone and make sure you’re distracting the person if they come out.” Like lightning, Youngmin darts off hands clenched around Donghyun's before Daehwi has a chance to say no.

While Daehwi is mildly offended at being called a wimp, he’d rather not be involved in this prank anyways.

“Just – come back here and wash your hands after you touch the toilet seats.” He whispers loudly hoping his prayers reach Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb.

Ugh, just imagining it had him gagging as he walked towards the showers.

The communal bathroom they were in right now was set up for use when you didn’t want to disturb those in your room. Plus, when you had seven guys battling for one bathroom every morning- well, it got a little ridiculous fast. Most of them ended up using the communal shower stalls that were arranged in a neat line across one wall with the opposite wall holding an equal number of sinks which is where Daehwi rested now.

Through the sound of the pounding water, Daehwi could make out a faint voice singing and resisted the urge to clap sarcastically.

What a cliché, an idol singing in the shower.

He turns around to look at himself in the mirror. He looks like death warmed up. He could be sleeping now. He could be dreaming right now. Hell, he could be practicing right now and it would be infinitely better than this. “God, this whole morning has been disgusting – my friends are disgusting – I am also disgusting but only by association.” He mumbles faintly as he stretches his eyes out trying to even his eyelids in vain. They're baggy and dark like Jinyoung's and now also mildly swollen from the lack of sleep.

“Stop talking to yourself, you’re going to get us caught!” Donghyun mutters as they return back from their mission with sticky hands. Daehwi’s face is scrunched up in distaste as he sees Donghyun's hands glue themselves to each other with the sticky lotion.

Yuck.

While Youngmin is about ready to turn the sink on, Donghyun does something much different. He sees Daehwi's disgusted expression and has made it his life's mission to scare the hell out of Daehwi.

He touches Daehwi’s shoulder jokingly - and that’s when all hell breaks loose for the Brand New trio.

Daehwi knows what the kid has been touching. There's toilet seats and then there's toilet seats that were used by 101 trainees that no doubt had seen their share of unmentionable number one and twos and - and –

Before Daehwi can care about secrecy - he starts shrieking. “EW! O-M-G LIKE EW! EW EW! YOU ARE SO GROSS. SO GROSS. LIKE DEAR GOD.” Daehwi starts hopping around, immediately ripping off his pajama shirt that has been sullied by Kim Donghyun’s sticky fingers.

Without a second thought, he's already thrown his shirt into the white porcelain sink, vigorously rubbing at the silk as he tries not to imagine what traces of man pee, poo and you know what have ended up on his beloved pajamas. “Kim Donghyun next time I see you - you’re dead you foolish little -“ He mutters nonsensically as he feels sweat forming on his brow.

Suddenly, the shower turns off.

He quickly pauses his cleaning to look around for traces of his friends who have vanished without a cartoonish trail of smoke.

He wants to cry from his germophobia but he can’t because of a loud, resounding “Who’s there?!” that comes hollering out through the bathroom. The idea that he might be caught like this half naked in this room of Vaseline covered toilets has left him frozen especially when the shower curtain edges open slightly from the back -

“Ah, Daehwi? I thought it might be you. Why were you yelling?” He should have recognized the voice earlier. “What are you doing up so early?”

Kang Dongho is poking his head out of the stall like he's Donald Duck.

What was this? Some sort of cruel Disney fairytale happy ending to his mortifying morning?

He should be unhappy, _become unhappy Daehwi_ – 

Oh who is he kidding? Suddenly, he doesn’t give a shit about his gross pajamas in the sink behind him or the fact that there’s at least 10 toilets in this room covered in Vaseline and whatever else Youngmin and Donghyun had put on there.

All that matters is that there is one- thin-tiny sheet of curtain separating him from Kang Dongho. A very naked Kang Dongho if the silhouette beyond the curtain was anything to go by.

“Ah I’m – I’m-“ He could say the truth. It is, after all, just Kang Dongho. It isn’t like the guy would go around telling everyone about Brand New’s prank. He’s just not the tattle tale kind of guy. In all honesty though, Daehwi isn’t really able to really think. He has to physically remind himself to close his mouth.

Still, he probably has another five seconds before Dongho realizes that he’s being ogled at inappropriately by Daehwi.

That is more than enough time for Daehwi to enjoy looking at the water droplets falling past his cheek, his eyes trace their every move. They run down the edge of his sharp jaw. He glances at his face and feels his throat dry up - Dongho’s hair is slicked back neatly, his mouth is glistening, fresh, red, plump from the heat of the shower no doubt and - “Daehwi?”

“You woke up early too, huh?” He shoots back quickly. He can’t say anything else…he is still too busy looking and that was just Kang Dongho’s head. God, if he stepped out from behind the curtain –

Dongho is smiling at him and all Daehwi can think is he looks like a model or an athlete. It all depends on what lay in the land beyond the curtain. Daehwi is biting his lips in anticipation, happy that he’s managed to keep other more telling parts of his body under control (for now).

Shit, Dongho is telling him something – he should be paying attention to that. “- so you know? Sometimes it’s just better. Don’t you think?”

“Sure.” He has no idea what the fuck he’s agreeing to.

Then Kang Dongho does exactly what Daehwi wanted him to.

He steps out of the shower – without a towel on.

On reflex, Daehwi shuts his eyes tightly and sees nothing because he really shouldn’t be looking.

He also completely forgets that Kang Dongho can see every facet of his tightly squeezed expression.

“Daehwi, god it’s okay – it’s just us. You don't need to look so scandalized.” Dongho sounds like he’s laughing at him but the joke is really on Dongho because he has no idea that Daehwi is feeling all sorts of inappropriate things for him that should indeed make Kang Dongho behave carefully around him when it was just ‘ _us_ ’.

What cheesy response can he muster to that? “I know but I just wanted to protect my eyes.” If he doesn’t, the dreams are just going to get that much worse.

“Go ahead protect your eyes while they’re open then. I’m ALL covered up." When Daehwi cracks one of his eyes open he finds his gaze drawn to Dongho’s face again. He looks so – joyous. “God the way your face was -" He mimics him to a smaller extreme and Daehwi feels himself snicker shyly. "I'm not a monster, Daehwi.” He ruffles his hair and Daehwi blushes a bright red as he looks down at the ground.

It’s much much safer to look at the ground than look at Dongho's face.

Or, at least he thought so, until he realized that on his way to the ground- his eyes had to scan Dongho’s definition of 'covered up'. That wasn't really ‘covered up’. He is not at all unsexualized. If anything – he looks even more attractive now than he did covered up by that tiny shower curtain.

He’s like a man in one of those 'Gilette' razor commercials. Dongho's towel is teasingly tucked into a loose knot, slipping just the slightest so Daehwi can see hints of a strongly defined pelvic bone.

He physically has to remind himself that he’s starting to look like a pervert and he should really just look up at Dongho’s face again.

Oh who is he kidding, 'look' like a pervert? This early dire depressing morning, Daehwi has come to terms with the fact that he is a pervert for this glorious body in front of him.

Dongho’s upper frame wasn’t necessarily over built, he had hints of abs running down the center of his figure without the muscles appearing to be overbearingly defined and best of all - that ratio of his shoulders to his waist and hips was just perfectly proportioned for Daehwi to imagine grabbing h–

Okay he needed to stop. This was weird. _**STOP DAEHWI. STOP.**_

Luckily, Dongho hasn’t seemed to notice Daehwi’s eyes burning into his body because the man is busy doing more logical things like - brushing his teeth in the morning.

Once again, Daehwi is hit by how ridiculously unreal this feels. There he is. Just there. Standing in front of him. Nu’est’s Baekho. Produce 101’s Kang Dongho. He's just right here - completely physically available to him by all means of the word - in his barely there towel.

What has his life even come to?

As if noticing the younger boy’s distress, Dongho stops mid-brush, toothbrush safely nestled in the crook between his mouth and his teeth. “Dude, you okay?” He asks in a concerned tone of voice.

Daehwi would like to respond that **NO,** he is not okay. Dongho is constantly running him hot and cold and he’s starting to very easily get sick of it.

So Daehwi grabs Kang Dongho’s face to the surprise of the older man, who just stays unmoving in his grasp. Daehwi looks him squarely in the eyes, taking a deep breath for courage.

He can do this. He can totally make the first move.

He can kiss Kang Dongho.

This is the time!

Besides Dongho has held his face too, right? This wasn't disrespectful in the slightest. There was precedent! In fact, one could argue that Kang Dongho was really the one who started this whole mess anyways.

Despite all of the reasons floating in his mind telling him to go for it, he still feels weird about it.

He doesn’t actually know how Dongho feels about him despite the fact that the guy has been sending him mixed messages.

Although he does have a guarantee that Dongho’s breath will be minty fresh from the toothpaste?

In the end, he chooses to take Dongho’s head that's in his hands and push it towards the mirror over the sink. This is not how he wants to kiss him anyways, he sighs convincing himself. Forcing a kiss on someone would be no joke, especially if that person didn't like you back.

“Dongho, god, say it don’t spray it. Please finish brushing your teeth.” Dongho smiles back at him through the mirror with a mouthful of toothpaste and Daehwi feels his frame weaken as he muffles a soft giggle.

How could he look like a greek god one second and a complete mess the next?

Then Dongho tries to move closer to his face with the goofiest smile on his face. His mouth is completely clouded over with tufts of toothpaste. “Ahh - Daehwi, come closer!”

Okay, Dongho really shouldn’t do that.

Daehwi knows he’s trying to tease him, not expecting anything but a grossed out Daehwi but he doesn’t know that Daehwi may actually take him seriously.

He's that desperate right now. “Dongho?” This guy was such a goofball. “You are ew, please finish brushing your teeth. Then you can do whatever you want okay?”

“Don’t give me ideas Daehwi.” Daehwi scoffs as he sees Dongho wiggle his eyebrows, moving away from him to spit out the toothpaste in his mouth. Dongho finishes his morning ritual by splashing water on his face again and Daehwi gulps back the thickening knot in his throat.

Daehwi is well aware now that Dongho pretty much can openly tell that Daehwi is just standing there staring at him like some sort of creepy stalker in one of those movies you see in the Busan film festival. Water is flicking off the ends of Dongho's hair just perfectly, trailing down his body - this god gifted cursedly beautiful –

“Daehwi - what are you just standing there for?” Dongho tilts his head sideways. Daehwi can only marvel at how he looks almost perfect from every angle.

It almost feels like an invitation the way Dongho says it. What is Daehwi doing just standing here like this? “You're such a show-off.”

Daehwi is proud of himself, he’s doing an excellent job convincing anyone outside of his own mind that he can keep his cool. He’s totally chill, his arms are folded over his chest hopefully covering up that any second now his heart was going to lunge out of his chest and attack Kang Dongho since Daehwi's brain was being so discouraging.

Dongho seems to take this action when coupled with Daehwi’s words as Daehwi trying to cover his own half-naked body.

“People shouldn’t all look the same – that’d be too boring.” Then he hears the man hesitate…and this is when Daehwi realizes Dongho is trying to say something he’s uncomfortable with again.

“Yes?” He urges him softly. He wants to laugh. He knows Dongho has completely misread the situation - but in it's own way he finds that incredibly adorable.

Dongho thinks Daehwi has body issues. Technically he is not wrong, Daehwi does have body issues - with how Dongho's body is being almost rudely attractive right now.

“I know that – you got a lot of hate earlier in the season right? Just – because of you know – being center and stuff – but also like - ” Daehwi nods to urge him on because with every passing word it looks like something is stopping him from saying more.

“Yeah?”

In fact, Dongho is doing this weirdly adorable penguin dance in his bathroom flip flops. Regardless of how muscular he is, or how perfectly framed his body is Daehwi feels his face crack. He’s going to laugh obnoxiously – until he hears what Kang Dongho wants to say to him. “I think you’re perfect as you are.”

All other expressions melt away from his face. Dongho is flushing bright red in front of him. With the water on his cheeks, the older man is starting to look less like a model and more like an incredibly shiny red tomato. 

Daehwi is shell shocked.

Any desire to laugh at Dongho has been instantaneously replaced by a desire to reach forward and pull the man to his lips.

Daehwi has to remind himself to respect personal space because Dongho has not said he loves him, or that he’s attracted to him – or anything really that would indicate he has feelings for him.

You know he’s just called him _perfect._ “What?” He ends up echoing dumbly, weakly, pathetically – like all he wants is to hear is him say it again.

His wish is not fulfilled. Dongho just shakes his head smiling as he reaches forward to ruffle his hair, putting a bit more distance between them as he backs away from Daehwi.

Before Daehwi knows what has happened, Dongho has packed up his gear. “See you later Daehwi…go take your shower.” He walks out and Daehwi is left squinting at himself in the mirror.

Yes, he needs a shower, a nice long cold shower.

Wait, did Kang Dongho just call him perfect?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY KANG DONGHO OUR SEXY BANDIT :D! <33333 
> 
> Also everyone get ready for the 25th :)! New Nu'est song! And then August 7th is WANNA-ONE'S DEBUTTTT :D! 
> 
> (P.S. for Yonguk stans :D July 31 <3 which I'm amped for because the people that wrote Open Up are writing his debut song. I know I don't talk about him much here but I actually really like him toooo)


	10. Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! I'm back! (Apologies for the delay but I'm in the middle of two summer weddings (yay for being a bridesmaid))
> 
> Without further ado, finally! The next chapter which I could not title for the life of me

\-----------------------------

“So you guys kicked Seonho, Sungwoon, Haknyeon AND even Youngmin out?” Jinyoung lets out a low whistle. “'Never' is a snake team!"

The moment the aforementioned trainees had left the 'Never' training room, the atmosphere within the remaining trainees had staled and soured until finally Jonghyun had groaned pushing all his remaining team members out of the room for a break.

While 'Sorry Sorry' disappeared with Guanlin closely in tow - Daehwi and Woojin had been left to their own devices and had ended up here, in the 'Oh Little Girl' room. At Woojin's suggestion of course. 

Presently, Park Woojin had happily sandwiched himself between a wall and Ahn Hyeongsub's left shoulder. The two were sharing a pair of headphones to watch Hyeongsub's practice video so Woojin could give the kid some 'pointers'. 

But, looking at his friend flirt with the shyest trainee in Produce101 was not what Daehwi should be doing right now so he turns back to Jinyoung to answer his charge straight on. “Whatever Bae Jinyoung, OLG team is one to talk. How can you guys even kick out Moonbok hyung? That's the ultimate betrayal right there. He's been through enough.”

Jinyoung flinches, visibly pained. “We know that he's the one who would have the hardest time learning a new song – but he was also our weakest link."  Daehwi is forced to acknowledge Jinyoung’s logic –  Seonho had been removed from ‘Never’ for the same reason.

“Honestly, thinking back we probably should have kicked out Seongwoo. He’d have been snatched up by ‘Open Up’ and can you imagine how happy he’d be to be in the same team as Daniel?” Jinyoung proceeds to act out Seongwoo's happiness by squealing loudly and wrapping his arms around a snickering Daehwi.

At their loud overt display of affection, they attract Minki to their little twosome. “Are you guys making fun of Daniel and Seongwoo? I expected this sort of disgusting behaviour from Bae Jinyoung but Daehwi – you were my sugar plum fairy. What happened to you when I left you alone with those devils in 'Never'? How can you act like this?” 

As lovely as Minki was, this was a decidedly extra speech, even for him. Thankfully, an explanation arose when Jinyoung sputtered back a laugh and Minki's rough expression cracked weakly. “Hyung, I think you can tone it down a bit for the actual prank…that was a bit too intense.” 

Minki flushes a bright red. “Do you think Sewoon and Jihoonie will believe me?”

“You guys are playing a prank on Sewoon and Jihoon?” Daehwi curls his lips into his mouth, turning to look at Jinyoung with one eyebrow raised. “Bae Jinyoung - are you going to be able to stop yourself from laughing? You can’t lie for shit, you know.”

Jinyoung growls back at him. “What the hell does that mean? Of course I can pull it off!"

“Okay that was a little intense – even for you. I just meant that- if it’s about Jihoon, let's be real -” It was an open and not so open secret amongst the younger trainees that Jinyoung had spent much of their first few weeks together openly pursuing the older trainee who -

Well if they were being fair-no one knew how Jihoon felt about anything. No one knew how Jihoon felt about being overtaken as #1 trainee, no one knew how Jihoon felt about his screentime - and no one knew how Jihoon felt about Jinyoung.

Daehwi doubted if Jinyoung even knew how Jihoon felt...which he supposed may have actually been painful for Jinyoung, but at least they were friends which had to count for something?

So maybe it made sense why Jinyoung was staring at Daehwi like he was the devil incarnate  for bringing up his feelings for Jihoon. “Fuck off Lee Daehwi.” 

To calm the frazzled heart of his fellow teammate, Minki pats Jinyoung’s head affectionately.“Kid – can I tell you something? You’re kind of cute when you don’t look like you want to murder half your friends…smile a bit, it really won’t kill you. Hell, you might even break into top 11 again one day if you flash those pearly whites I'm sure your orthodontist slaved over.”

“I smile –“ Minki and Daehwi exchange looks of doubt to Jinyoung’s dismay. “Sometimes I do, guys!” Gunhee comes over to lean on Minki's shoulder and they catch him up on the conversation, now the group is collectively less convinced. “When I feel like it?” As if to prove his ability to smile, Jinyoung takes a deep breath and folds his hands together in his lap preparing himself.

Then he stretches his mouth.

Daehwi immediately starts shrieking, covering his eyes. “Oh god - what the hell is that? PUT IT AWAY! PUT IT AWAY! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!”

Minki gives Daehwi a disapproving look for teasing Jinyoung when his teammate's scary smile drops into a frown. “Look Jinyoung– just be natural. Who makes you smile without you having to think about it?”

Daehwi is expecting a half-whispered ‘Jihoon’ to erupt from his mouth but Jinyoung is surprisingly natural about answering Minki’s question. “My mom?”

A genuine smile touches all of their faces, even Jinyoung’s. “So just think about her! Think about how brilliantly she wants you to shine on stage and you'll smile perfectly without even realizing it. You’ve got great potential – but you just look so angry all the time I think it's hard for people to see it on screen.” Minki lays a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder and the normally prickly teenager softens a bit at the older trainee’s touch, smiling up at him.

Daehwi can't help but remark that it's incredible how all four of the Nu'est members at Produce101 had this ability to calm the worries of the other trainees.

It makes him wonder how many of these questions they found the answers to themselves without help.

Once upon a time, did people tell Nu'est that they couldn't smile properly?

Or that they looked strange?

Or that they had no chance of ever making it and they should just give up?

Thankfully, his depressing train of thought is interrupted. “And Daehwi -you shouldn’t act like that when someone is trying hard to put effort into something that doesn't come easily to them.” Minki frowned at him, and Daehwi grimaced pulling on both ears apologetically.

"I'm sorry Minki." He sticks his tongue out and snickers when he sees Minki shake his head disapprovingly.

“Fine be like this. Daehwi, I heard you woke up REALLY early today.” His blood runs cold when Minki gives him a pointed look and Daehwi feels a knot form tightly in his throat. 

He settles for a blanket response. “I did…”

“You were responsible for the toilet mess this morning, weren't you?“ Minki finishes off and Daehwi almost lets out a sigh of relief. This claim Daehwi can easily accept. It means that Minki doesn’t know that Daehwi spent all morning staring at droplets of water kissing their way down Dongho's jawline in a way that Daehwi could only wish he had Dongho's permission to replicate.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“I had to go take care of this fool because of you.” Daehwi remains non-committal to the accusation as Minki points to Gunhee. Gunhee looks around the group as if he's not sure whether being called 'fool' by Minki is a compliment or not. “Gunhee fell flat on his ass and almost broke his bum.”

“Minki, I would never stop you from doing anything because I love my beloved center but please – refrain from telling people about this morning.” Gunhee groans as if he was still in pain. Daehwi had to stop himself from smiling again as he imagined Youngmin and Donghyun's reactions to this story. "Also, Daehwi, I know you’re here because our snow white and your werewolf back there are attached at the hip but don’t you think the two of you should get back to your own team soon?”

“Never’s in such a bad mood right now – can I get adopted by 'Oh Little Girl' please? I think I suit the concept really well.” Daehwi tries to act cute by pushing his hands over his head in an adorable heart. 

"MY EYES! MY EYES! OH GOD PUT IT AWAY! PUT IT AWAY! I NEED HOLY WATER!" Jinyoung squeals loudly. Daehwi's expression sours when he looks at his friend laughing at him - and Daehwi is surprised to find, smiling quite naturally.

Despite the fact he's not impressed with the fact that Jinyoung is only smiling like this because he's making fun of Daehwi he can't help but be floored that Minki had managed to make the sour faced Jinyoung break out of his own head in five minutes flat.

Minki is less than impressed by the both of them as he's pulled Daehwi to his feet and is pushing him out of the door. “Yeah- no I'm not down for that. Center boy, you get the hell out now."

He manages to twist his way out of Minki's grasp. "People need to stop calling me center since I haven't been center ONCE since EVERYONE picked me. They act like I stole Nayana center or something." 

"Yeah well - I’m not having center stolen from the likes of you. You’re cute but you’re too much competition.” At Daehwi's resistance to leave, Minki rolls his eyes and sighs. "You're really not leaving?" Daehwi shrugs. Why should he? Their break time  isn't up. “Well I know I'm not the only one who thinks you're just a little too cute and -“ Daehwi feels his blood run cold. He knew he got too comfortable in their conversation too quickly. “I also heard you spent much of the morning just barging into shower stalls and staring at –“

Before Minki can say anything more that would incriminate him, Daehwi lunges at the guy and hugs him goodbye. “BYE GUYS! SEE YOU LATER! MINKI! OH LITTLE GIRL FIGHTING!”

Minki crumbles on the floor laughing when he feels Daehwi pull away and stare at him like Minki had just given him a death sentence. So to appease the younger kid's heart, Minki nods gently to reassure the younger trainee that he wouldn't say a word more. “Daehwi, you are too hyper for your own good.” 

Daehwi frowns as he pulls Woojin to his feet and they make their way back to Never.

This whole Nu’est teasing him about Dongho thing is starting to get out of hand.

\-----------------

It’s lunchtime when he is finally forced to face his fears – Open Up and Never have decided to sit together on an extra-large table.

Once he gets closer he realizes that he was worried for nothing. Dongho is safely nestled between Daniel and Seongwoo laughing like he’s never heard something this funny.

Daehwi takes his seat gingerly at the edge of the table beside Woojin. It was strange to see Dongho in-between people because the man almost always sat at the edge of everything.

He's overthinking it. He knows he is. One does not waste viable breathing time analyzing other people's sitting behaviours. In fact, if anything, Daehwi is grateful that Dongho is sitting far away from him today. He really is because Dongho feels unrealisitically far from him as he high fives Jaehwan for fitting an entire sausage in his mouth without choking.

And it’s really not like Dongho has to sit beside him or in front of him all of the time. In fact, the other times had probably all been lucky coincidences.

Sure, if Daehwi would let himself admit the truth he would agree that it was just a bit frustrating. Only because Daehwi had grown accustomed to the sensation of Dongho's warmth beside him.

Still, if Dongho is sitting that far away - there was nothing he could do. So, Daehwi takes a deep breath ignores his heartache and focuses his attentions on other things, like the rest of his table. He glances over the group to see everyone is passively eating their food - until he lands on Guanlin.

Guanlin is staring so closely at Seonho the guy's eyes may fall out of their eye sockets and into his soup.

As usual, the CUBE trainees are still sitting directly across from each other but Seonho refuses to turn to look at Guanlin, no matter how desperately Guanlin is trying to get his attention. 

Instead Seonho is happily participating in an animated discussion on sports brands with Yongguk while rubbing the older trainees head the entire time. Yongguk is very calmly asking Seonho to respect his personal space. Seonho is obviously doing nothing of the sort.

Daehwi frowns when he looks back at Guanlin, he's going to throw the kid a bone. There’s definitely one thing Daehwi can say that will bring Seonho’s attention on Guanlin. “Guanlin, is your food okay? You're not eating.”

“Huh?” The Taiwanese boy blinks at him, confused for a second as he translated Daehwi’s words in his mind. “Sure, whatever, it’s fine. I’m just not that hungry.”

Daehwi is proud of himself when he sees Seonho's eyes immediately turn on Guanlin. “What the hell do you need to diet for? Don't waste your food. There's lots of people in this country without food.” 

“I’m not dieting. I’m just not hungry. I think I said that pretty clearly in Korean didn’t I?” Guanlin looks around the table like he needs affirmation from the Koreans around him.

No one falls for the bait to enter the CUBE Cold War but Jonghyun is appalled that his rap prodigy is not taking care of himself. “Guanlin – eat more.” As Jonghyun starts putting pieces of meat on top of Guanlin's soup bowl, Dongho follows suit.

Guanlin lets out a breath weakly but picks at the meat with a little more interest than before to keep the Nu'est members hearts.

Suddenly, Woojin makes a loud hissing noise that disrupts the table as Daehwi turns to look at him. Woojin is rubbing his eyes so ferociously that it makes Daehwi’s own hands itch for him. “Dude, you okay?”

“My eye is bothering me a bit –“ Jonghyun immediately leans over across the table to lift Woojin’s head up to look at him. “Hyung, stop  – I’m fine.”

Jonghyun isn’t listening to him. “That doesn’t look fine to me Woojin – the skin around your eye is really red. Did you hurt yourself today?”

“No, it’s just been bugging me since this morning and I think I kept scratching at it and-“ Now that Daehwi's looking closer he can see there’s little white bumps all over Woojin’s right eye.

“Come on – get up. We’re going to the nurse right now.” Jonghyun’s immediately on his feet ready to bolt out of the cafeteria until he stops and looks straight at Daehwi. “Daehwi, you come along. Minhyun-“ He turns reflexively to look at Minhyun who just nods along.

Jonghyun doesn't say anything more to Minhyun. He doesn't need to because Minhyun is just smiling back at him like he understands. When Minhyun finally responds, Daehwi has a feeling it's only to make sure the rest of the table doesn't get irked by their non-verbal communication. “Go ahead. We'll be fine.”

Daehwi gets up from the table, shoveling the last few grains of rice into his mouth when he feels a tickle on the back of his neck and immediately glances up with his mouth full of food.

His heart starts to beat faster. Unsurprisingly, Kang Dongho is looking at him right now.

Can he make him laugh like Seongwoo and Daniel had? He’d like to be able to do that. So Daehwi makes a show of puffing out his cheeks and widening his eyes.

Unlike this morning, however, Dongho doesn’t appear to be in the mood for Daehwi to make him laugh. The older man simply tightens his lips and looks to Jaehwan to start talking about vibrato and when it was appropriate to use it in a song.

Daehwi feels his body turn to stone when he gulps down the rice, coughing on the air left in his mouth. He uses his remaining emotional effort to wrap his hands around Woojin’s shoulders as they shuffle out of the cafeteria.

With every question Jonghyun asks him – Woojin is simply getting more anxious, so Daehwi decides to distract Jonghyun to distract himself from the ache in his chest. “How are you so prepared hyung?”

“Ah this is nothing new for me, it's best to get these details sorted out before we speak to the medical staff.” Jonghyun sighs rubbing Woojin’s shoulders. “I think you’re going to be fine but don’t irritate it okay?”

Their walk to the medical wing is disrupted when someone jumps on Woojin from the back, only exasperating Woojin’s already existing agony. “WOOJINIEEE – where are you going? Can I come? I think I can spare some time right now.”

Jonghyun and Daehwi are both giving Ahn Hyeongsub stares that make the already shy trainee retract into his shell. Seeing his eyes dart nervously between the three of them, Jonghyun explains to Hyeongsub in a tired voice. “We’re going to the hospital wing- and it might be good if you stay off Woojin for now Hyeongsub-“

Hyeongsub’s expression looks even more frantic now. “Why?” He immediately climbs off his friend’s back. “What’s wrong – what happened? Are you feeling okay? You were fine earlier. Daehwi, he was fine earlier right? What happened? Is it your stomach? Do you need medicine? Do you have a headache? Or a fever?” Hyeongsub comes to press his hand to Woojin’s forehead with no concern for his own health.

Oh well, at least it makes Daehwi feel better he’s not the only one who is forgetting they they're in a competition here.

 “I’m fine Hyeongsub. We’re just making sure it’s nothing. Don’t worry so much.”

If anything, Hyeongsub only looks more concerned. “Like hell, I’m obviously coming with you guys.”

“We can’t have so many people going to the medical wing – “ Jonghyun is silenced by the fact that Hyeongsub has turned to look at him with the most desperate puppy eyes. Woojin groans as he looks at Daehwi.

“I’ll stay back so Hyeongsub can go in my place. Please just text me what’s happening. I should probably go tell Donghyun and Youngmin anyways-“

“Don’t go worrying people for nothing! I’M FINE.” Hyeongsub has immediately ducked into the spot Daehwi was previously in, wrapping his arms over Woojin’s frame tightly. Woojin twists uncomfortably closer to Jonghyun. “Stop touching me – what if it’s contagious you fool?”

“What if it’s not?” Hyeongsub grumbles back. “Dear god, for someone who loves taking care of others you hate being taken care of. You're so stubborn.”

“I don’t need taking care of – from either of you.” Woojin iterates again as Jonghyun snickers shaking his head.

“We got it mini T.O.P, now I don’t want to be held responsible for the demise of the most talented rapper in Produce101, so will you both just get along and follow my lead please?”

“Uwah – I’m so lucky.” Jonghyun turns to look at Hyeongsub confused by his sudden proclamation. “Well – this is my first time being led by you, hyung."

Jonghyun is blushing bright red in a way that reminds Daehwi of how Dongho had blushed in the bathroom earlier this morning. It makes his heart dampen when it’s immediately followed by the memory of Dongho turning away from him at lunch.

As he watches them walk away, Daehwi realizes that he’s technically free now. He could make his way back to the cafeteria? Or maybe he should head straight to the practice room? Or maybe he could get permission from the staff to go get coffee or something?

In the end, he decides to walk alone to a coffee shop with a mask on his face. Despite the events that conspired this afternoon, he just can’t shake off the feeling that if he pushes a little bit harder – there’s something there between Dongho and him. He feels it, this can’t just be some little pipe dream that he came up with in his mind –

Okay, yes, Kang Dongho had not necessarily given him some wild confession of love but to be fair, Daehwi didn’t think Kang Dongho was the type of guy to give anyone a wild confession of love.

Even if Dongho did feel something for him, Daehwi knew the man had no intention of ever telling him what it was that he felt. Dongho just wasn't that type of guy. So Daehwi was left to his own devices - and he didn't have too many of those so it was just up to him to guess what it was that Dongho felt when he looked at him.

Was Dongho behaving kind of like Minki who could be flighty with compliments?

Was it possible that Dongho felt what Daehwi was feeling? 

Or worst of all, was it possible all Dongho was trying to do was be nice and Daehwi was here by himself reading into a situation that didn't even exist? 

It was possible. After all, Dongho and Jisung had unknowningly taken on the mother and father role in their group. Jisung could comfort any scattered trainee’s heart and Dongho acted as a mental pillar of strength for every evil edited and ignored trainee on the show.

So maybe – that whole thing in the bathroom was just a blip. Dongho was just trying to assure Daehwi that he shouldn’t care about what the internet said about him - 

But that’s where the case for this explanation fell apart, Kang Dongho had never told him not to care what others had said about him.

He had expressed to Daehwi that he - Kang Dongho- object of Daehwi’s unreasonable affections thought the younger boy was ‘perfect’.

What a word. What an amazing word.

How can Daehwi just ignore that word? How can this be a word with no feeling behind it?

Daehwi feels a headache settling in at the base of his skull and starts walking towards the only person he knows who can resolve this mess in his head.

In seconds, he's at the dorms and in front of his best friend's door - barging in with the expectation that Kim Samuel would be slacking off right now because 'Showtime' pretty much knew their shit in and out.

Thankfully, this appeared to be the case. His friend is just changing into a new pair of sweatpants when Daehwi barges in without a care for the compromising position Samuel is in.  “Samuel, I’m tired.” He proceeds to crash into Samuel’s bed in the left lower bunk. 

What he liked about coming and abusing Samuel’s room was:

1) It used to be the old Boy In Luv Team 1 room

2) Taehyun and Jisung were always pampering him to no extreme

3) Samuel was always available to listen to him

Daehwi would never say it out loud but he worries everyday a little that they may not stay together until the end and Samuel may not make it. His ranking is too volatile and yet it doesn't make sense that there's a universe where Samuel is not top 11. He certainly has the talent to stand on stage beside any of them.

“If you're so tired, get some sleep in your own room then." Samuel grumbles as he looks at Daehwi on his bed with an offended expression. “I would like to – but I think that can only happen if you get up.”

“I’m tired because I can’t sleep.” His complaining gets him no sympathy from the other guy.  

How can he tell Samuel that when he closes his eyes Kang Dongho’s face was glued to his mind in all its iterations, smiling, passionate, driven and worst of all – that expression he made when he was on stage, where he just didn’t let you look away.

That was that one that never let Daehwi sleep. That was the one that had him in his frantic state of mind breaking down in the bedroom of some guy he didn't even know six months ago and now considered his closest friend in this building.

Samuel takes a deep breath and comes to sit down beside Daehwi's sleeping frame. “What’s bugging you now? You know you’re safe as a top 1 candidate so please don’t give me crap about that again-“

“It’s- It’s not about that.” How can he tell Samuel? How can he tell him? Daehwi hasn’t even actually told Samuel that he’s gay.

Does he need to?

Shouldn’t Samuel be able to tell? Not just because of his behaviour but because Samuel is one of the few trainees that Daehwi really trusts.

“Ah is it about Baekho hyung?” His worries were for naught. Not only does Samuel know he’s gay – Daehwi also doesn’t have to explain the source of his troubles.

Daehwi shoots up straight in bed. He couldn’t have been that obvious, could he? He knew that Nu'est had to have known something because they'd observed how he behaved around Dongho closely - but the other trainees couldn't right? "How did you -"

“Chill – I just know you super well…plus when you’re not with them you’re always staring at the Nu’est team giving off really weird vibes man– “

“We all stare at them!” He squeaks defensively as his best friend doubles over in laughter.

“Yeah – but you’re creepy about it. Kinda like how Seonho looks at Minhyun hyung – but with dirty thoughts.” Samuel wiggles his eyebrows suggestively before cracking up at the look of distress on Daehwi's face.  “Chill, chill, I’m just pulling your leg man. Besides it’s not like anyone cares or has the right to say anything and if Baekho hyung hasn't told you to shut that down then he obviously doesn't mind -“

“He should!” Daehwi crashes his frame back into Samuel’s devilishly comfortable bed, burying his face into the pillow. 

His teen life crisis is mocked immediately when Samuel starts laughing at him again. Daehwi lifts his face from the pillow and glares. He understands that this is not at all stressful for Samuel but the guy could have a little more compassion for the faint of heart.

Sensing Daehwi’s stare of death, Samuel defensively raises his hands “What?! Come on - you have to realize. Isn’t it funny? I mean you thought he was the worst of all the hyungs. You had to have thought about how ridiculous it is that you went from hating a guy to loving him in the space of less than six weeks.”

“Don’t remind me." He mumbled as he remembered how in this very room that had housed 'Boy In Luv' Team 1 he had marched around pretending to tell everyone off for supporting Kang Dongho. "What the hell am I doing Samuel?” He mumbled weakly pushing his face back into his hands. It did feel nice to be able to talk to someone about this - and the fact that person was Samuel and not someone else felt better.

Samuel would never judge him and Samuel did know the Nu'est guys but not well enough to rat him out to them.

Daehwi feels his eyes expand as a light bulb went off in his mind. Of course, how could he not have realized it before?!

Samuel was an ex-Pledis trainee – surely if anyone in this building other than Nu'est knew– it had to be him. “Hey, can I ask you a question?"

Samuel doesn’t appear to be comforted by the thought. “Yes?”

“Is Dongho – you know? Like me?”

Daehwi bursts out laughing looking at the complete shock in Samuel’s face. “How the hell am I supposed to know?!”

“You knew about me!" This logic is not sound. Even Daehwi knows that. 

“Excuse me, I happen to know you VERY well BECAUSE WE SPEND TOO MUCH TIME TOGETHER." Daehwi grins cheekily because he knows what Samuel actually means is that they're best friends. "Also, I really only know Baekho hyung as the hyung who literally made it his personal hobby to throw me into the air whenever he wanted. One time, he threw me out of a window as a joke.”

“Oh come on, you can’t expect me to believe that. He can’t have been that bad.”

“Yeah it wasn't - because Minhyun and Ren planned the prank with him and they were waiting at the bottom to catch me. I almost pissed myself man." Samuel scoffs. “Sorry, if while I WAS 11 YEARS OLD - I wasn’t asking him about his preference in bed. Not that I think anyone in Nu’est was getting any when I was close to them anyways.”

“Well, when you put it that crudely you sound like an ass.” Daehwi grumbles. It was worth a shot but he was right back to where he started. With no clues, other than the mess of their moments strung together in his head. “Do you know what I’ve been doing the past few days?”

“What?” Daehwi looks at him pointedly as Samuel rolls his eyes and ventures a guess. “Viewing his fancams on Naver?”

“YES, LIKE A FOOL - SAMUEL LIKE A FOOL. I almost left a comment Samuel. What is wrong with me?”

At that exact moment - the door opens. Guanlin steps through the doorframe, hand raised as if he was just about to ask a question in class.

Observing the two younger boys wrapped up in each other on the bed appears to be all the signal he needs to walk right back out of the door.

Samuel turns to look back at Daehwi, relatively unfazed by the appearance of the older CUBE trainee. “It’s probably best we go explain this bed situation before Guanlin tells people what’s happening here.”

“Please, who is the kid going to tell? Seonho? Big deal, they're fighting right now anyways. Plus, I've seen Seonho crawl into Guanlin's bed before so I doubt Guanlin will misunderstand - we’re fine.” Samuel raises both his eyebrows, a skeptical look on his face. “Well okay they're not a good example because I'm 99% sure Guanlin has feelings for Seonho but - we're not doing anything here.”

Daehwi can see Samuel is trying to think back to all the times the chicks have been together and then eventually he sighs. “Kay, I ship it.”

“Me too!” If Seonho could realize how much Guanlin cared for him Daehwi was sure that he’d stop being unnecessarily rude to the older CUBE trainee. It wasn’t Guanlin’s doing that things had turned out this way through the show. “Now, forget about the CUBE love story and seriously – what the hell am I going to do?”

Samuel’s answer came too quickly with no thought put into it because Samuel Arredondo Kim was American as fuck. “What the fuck else are you going to do? Just tell the guy.”

“I don’t want to be with him!” That was not necessarily true, Daehwi does want to be with Dongho. He just doesn’t want either of their experiences on the show to be hurt by his feelings for the man. That would not be fair to either of them. They had worked too hard to get all the way here. The taste of debuting in the final group was close for both of them.

But it was getting incredibly hard for Daehwi to keep all of his feelings to himself.

“Then go to bed and stop complaining Daehwi!”

“But I see him when I go to bed! What do I do?!” Daehwi is moaning painfully again, completely aware that he has free fallen into irritating territory because his best friend's eyebrow is twitching.

“Okay, fine I have an idea but - you have to do this and then get the fuck out of my room. I really need to take a nap before we start practicing again okay? That high note in Showtime is giving me nightmares.”

"Okay first of all, if you're getting nightmares about it why are you trying to sleep? Secondly, why do I have to do anything?”

“Because if you don’t do what I tell you to do THEN you’re not allowed to come in here and complain anymore –“ Samuel is taking his companionship away?! Daehwi almost wants to yell and scream that he doesn’t need him! He has Jinyoung! Kid’s been growing on him lately like a fungus. Still, he stays silent and hears Samuel out. “Go ask him to like - hang out with you or something.”

“Like a date?” Daehwi hates how his voice has automatically perked up at the sound of the word date in relation with Kang Dongho.

“Well, I probably wouldn’t put it like that at first…just you know...hang out. Whatever happens happens, but if nothing happens then – maybe you’ll just get bored.” The idea actually wasn’t that bad.

“Just hang out with him?”

“Hang out with him.” Samuel agreed.

Now just how was Daehwi supposed to accomplish getting Dongho alone in a room with him to ask him to ‘hang out’ without coming off completely creepy?

\-------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I've already committed so deeply to this story lol I decided to expand on what's happening in some of the other teams :) Also a lot of this chapter is set up for the next two chapters (which tbh are more exciting) EITHERWAYS THOUGH, I hope you all loved reading it!


	11. Expectations vs. Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bless the love you guys have for this fic :) <3 it pushes me to write harder and faster

Plan one to getting Dongho to agree to spend time alone with him is relatively easy, Daehwi thinks. He's going to ask for help with his vocal parts in 'NEVER'. Sure, technically this is completely unnecessary since Daehwi is pretty much already perfect but he could fuck up a bit on purpose to make it believable.

Since, Dongho is the type of guy who helps everyone surely - he would help Daehwi out if he asked him right?

Thankfully, tonight for dinner there is a seat free beside Kang Dongho.

He knows now, it all has to start with him. Daehwi has to be the one to chase, to push, to ask- because if he doesn’t then it's almost a guarantee that nothing will happen and Daehwi can't fathom the thought of that anymore.

So he'll start making the moves now. Starting with this stupid stupid plan of Samuel's.

“Hey!” Daehwi grins brightly at Dongho who gives him a half hearted wave and then turns away from him. Daehwi feels his heart dampen automatically.

Still he can’t stop here. Even if Dongho hasn’t necessarily engaged him in conversation, Daehwi could get them talking to each other again, he was sure of it. “How was practice this afternoon?”

“Good enough.” Dongho mumbles back, his eyes remaining safely fixed on his rice in front of him. Daehwi frowns, especially when he realizes that Dongho is just looking at his rice, not even eating it.

This is making tiny little knots worm their way into Daehwi's own stomach and block his hunger.

“We’re having a bit of a tough time with Haknyeon – Dongho hyung has been taking care of teaching him his parts but he’s not getting anywhere because Haknyeon’s dense as a pig literally.” Seonho supplies helpfully and Daehwi realizes now that both of the Open Up team members have matching eye bags.

Daehwi bites his lips. Okay – maybe this isn’t the best way to get things done but he has no choice. This happens to be the perfect segue into his question. Bless Seonho's soul. “Ah, maybe can I sit in and watch?”

This gets Dongho to look at him with a little more interest. He almost wants to clap a hand on his back for a job well done – overall he’s hid the anxiety he’s feeling in his heart very well in his voice. “What?” Dongho looks completely astounded.

“Why not?” Daehwi ends up answering defensively. “I mean, it’d be nice – technically - to learn what you’re teaching him.”

Dongho looks like he wants to laugh at him. “Daehwi, you have to be kidding me. You, of all people here on this table, REALLY don’t need me to teach you how to sing. For god's sake - you can read sheet music, you write music and lyrics for a living - what the hell am I going to be able to teach you that you don't already know?”

He’s right. Damn him. Still Daehwi has no other ammunition so he pouts and tilts his head sideways trying his best to act like a lost child who needs Dongho’s guidance. “Can't I just come because I want to learn how you do things?”

Dongho is not falling for the bait. “No, you can't. You don't need my help like Haknyeon does. It'll be a waste of your time because you sing like –“ Dongho stops himself from saying whatever it was he was about to say before he growls out. “You sing fine, Daehwi. Just focus on Never.” Dongho quickly averts his gaze from Daehwi’s and focuses back on his rice, not picking up one grain.

Daehwi can’t help but feel a bubble of bitterness form in his chest. It isn’t fair. He knows if it was anyone but him – Dongho would have agreed to help. “But I need help.”

He knows he’s being stubbornly insistent when Dongho looks up at him with that expression that’s telling him to stop. “You need Jaehwan, then. He’s your main vocal, _not me_.” He enforces the last part a little stronger than Daehwi would like. “Jaehwan is an excellent technically sound singer who can alter the tone of your already fine voice if you really think it needs tweaking for ‘Never’.”

His response is so no-nonsense that Daehwi’s face falls automatically as he looks down at his lap embarrassed by the way he's being scolded in front of everyone. “Okay.” The rest of the table appears to be just as disturbed as Daehwi himself at Dongho's aversion to the conversation.

Daehwi forces himself to look up because it was bad enough to just be desperate, he’d rather not come off both weak and desperate in everyone's eyes. He sees Dongho’s harsh expression soften for a second when their eyes connect. “Listen-“

Whatever it was that was going to come out of Dongho's mouth – Daehwi can’t bring himself to be interested. He can’t bring himself to stand another rejection - not so soon after.  “No, it’s fine. I get it.” Daehwi stabs his meat with a little more ferocity than required and then shoves it in his mouth. "You're competition. You don't want to help. It's fine. I get it." He's repeating himself, he knows that - but he can't stop babbling. 

“I’m free after dinner if you actually need help, Daehwi.” Daehwi looks up at Jaehwan who has gingerly raised his hand and can’t help but let out a deep sigh. Daehwi wants to say no thanks - but he also doesn’t need to hurt Jaehwan’s feelings so he nods along passively.

“Why are you killing your chicken?” Seonho looks genuinely hurt for the meat on Daehwi's plate that has now been stabbed multiple times by his fork.

Daehwi wants to reply  _'Blame Kang Dongho'_ but manages to keep the words from spilling from his mouth. “I didn’t kill my chicken. It was already dead before it got on the plate.” 

“I mean – no one eats chicken like that."

"Like what?" Daehwi responds sarcastically.

"Like the chicken just hurt their feelings.” The rest of the table coughs uncomfortably at Seonho’s too apt observation and Daehwi feels Dongho tense beside him.

Despite himself, he feels a fog build over his eyes as he looks straight at Seonho alarming the other trainee. “Hey, I have a great idea. You want to be the chicken Yoo Seonho?” Daehwi ends up biting out.

His little outburst is thankfully forgotten when Jonghyun bursts through the cafeteria doors and immediately the rest of the 'NEVER' team starts hollering for him. Jonghyun crumbles into Seongwoo on the left side of the table. “Everything okay?” Seongwoo asks patting Jonghyun’s remarkably sweaty hair.

“He has shingles. Woojin has shingles.” Daehwi feels his heart drop in his chest as he drops his fork, chicken and Seonho both thankfully safe from his anger for now.

“Is he going to be okay? Isn’t it only going to get worse?” Daehwi speaks up worried.

“That’s what the nurse said. She thinks it’s a good idea to let him rest for the next few days.” Minhyun lets out a loud hiss at the unsaid connotation of what Jonghyun is saying.

“Will he be able to perform in two days or not?” Dongho ends up asking gruffly as he sees the rest of the table dance around the issue. “At the end of the day, if he’s not able to do that – all six of you need a back-up plan and fast. Woojin too – he needs to decide if he can do it. If the nurse lets him, of course.”

“I don’t know.” Jonghyun answers weakly. “Hyeongsub is still there – he said he’d come back a bit later with an update on how Woojin’s feeling but I had to come tell you guys because we need to plan a new choreo formation to prepare for the worst.”

“Of course he would come back. He’s that type of guy.” Youngmin shakes his head. “He doesn’t think about anything but what he wants and until he gets it he won’t rest.” Jonghyun nods his head at Youngmin’s analysis.

“Looks like you’re going to be too busy to sing with us anyways Daehwi.” Seonho interrupts and as much as Daehwi hates it, the little chick is right.

They were definitely screwed - just as screwed as 'Open Up' if they lost one whole member’s worth of voting.

All six of them rush out of dinner to spend the remainder of the night reworking the formations. It drives Seongwoo half-mad to rework a choreography that's not his own but he does it and manages to get them all locked-down. Even Jaehwan who keeps tripping over himself in exhaustion.

Finally, some time between  4AM and the edge of dawn - Never makes their way to an abandoned vocal room to fall asleep. Daehwi curls into Minhyun’s long back and takes a deep breath.

He can’t sleep anyways – he’s too preoccupied and so when he hears the rest of his team snore, his fingers flitter through his cell phone till he finds the number he's looking for.

_How is he?_

Thankfully, Hyeongsub responds to him quickly. _He’s obviously not resting…he’s convinced the nurse HE HAS to perform._

Daehwi feels a smile float onto his face. That sounded like Woojin alright, no sense of self-preservation in sight. The type of kid who could power through any pain to get what he wanted.

Hyeongsub texts him again before he has a chance to respond and Daehwi’s eyes widen as he reads the response. _Can you do me a favour? Can you figure out if everyone in your team has had chicken pox? early tomorrow. Shingles is contagious but if he’s covered up – well the chances of the other party catching it is pretty small._

He quickly responds. _100% Done, tomorrow morning. Jonghyun hyung is coming back tomorrow too I think. The team is sleeping – you should sleep too. You’re back right? I’ll text you tomorrow._

\-------------------------

“You didn’t have breakfast with Nu’est today.” Samuel asks him pointedly during a break the next day and Daehwi lifts one eyebrow skeptically leaning against the bathroom wall. Samuel had asked him to come give his opinion on some hair styles he was thinking of trying for Showtime's final performance.

“What am I? Obsessed?” Daehwi scoffs unconvincingly as Samuel snickers. "NEVER is dying right now, I need to be with my team." It's a solid answer.

Or at least Daehwi thought it was. Samuel thought otherwise. “So that’s it – you’re going to give up because he said no? Once? Man, you’re a bigger wimp than I thought.”

“HE’S REALLY BUSY.” Daehwi hisses as Samuel turns to look at him with a pointed expression. “And I’m busy too! I have to figure out the Woojin situation. I had to go see if everyone had chicken pox - and text Hyeongsub - and practice- ”

Samuel makes a pained groan that makes Daehwi look at him in an equally concerned fashion. “God – leave that to the leaders Daehwi. You’re just using Woojin as an excuse.”

“I am not.” Daehwi rolls his eyes folding his arms over his chest.

“Just ask him out for a quick bite! I happen to know Baekho hyung’s weakness is tteokbokki – so just go get that. The stall is literally five minutes away from the studio. Walk there, pick it up to eat on the go and walk back - THAT'S IT.” Samuel shrugs. “But then why am I telling this to the biggest wimp at PD101 anyways? You’re just going to wimp out again.”

“Samuel –“

“Yes?” Samuel winks at him a la Jihoon and it's all Daehwi can do to not throw up in his mouth as he watches his friend turn back to the mirror and test out end focus shots for his focus cam.

What a narcissist. “Admit it, you’re just enjoying insulting me.”

“Is it that obvious?” Daehwi's only response to that is to flick his best friend in the head.

\---------------------------

That is how Daehwi finds himself in round 2 of this stupid plan.

Back in the cafeteria, knots in his throat, and heart in his hands.

Plan two is a little less extreme because really in this strange situation of theirs - it involves a smaller time commitment from Dongho but involves Daehwi taking a bigger risk.  

He’d just ask Dongho to grab a quick snack outside together at a cheap little street stall. This should be fair enough an ask right? He’s asking for no more than ten minutes of the man’s time. Just like Samuel had said.

With a strong amount of confidence, and a vague awareness that from the back Samuel is already laughing at him, Daehwi stalks up to his ritualistic lunch table and plops himself down beside Minki who has joined them today.

Minki shrieks in surprise but otherwise throws an arm around Daehwi, greeting him kindly.

Dongho who is right in front of him is also startled, albeit to a lesser extent.

Minhyun is about to open his mouth to also greet him happily to the table but Daehwi couldn’t let him do that. Daehwi couldn’t let any of them talk to him first. He had to do this quick, before he lost all confidence in himself.

“Dongho, can we go – get food? Like tteokbokki or something?” He was trying his best to pull the most convincing Seonho possible. For extra effect, he even widens his monolid eyes which just made it look like he was trying really hard to win a staring contest with the man.

This time Dongho can’t ignore him.

In fact, the entire table can’t really ignore him. Everyone has decided to cease their individual conversations and observe the live car accident in front of them.

Dongho’s jaw literally drops open.

And he says the worst thing of all.

He says nothing.

In fact, the silence is so deafening that Daehwi finds himself quickly trying to recover a sense of dignity when he feels whispers build around him. “I mean you’re already eating…like right now…but…you know in case you’re still hungry…or if it really tastes bad…”

This rant is so bad he actually hears Minhyun grimace. From the other end of the table, he is very aware of a sputter of laughter escaping Lai Guanlin’s mouth as the boy forces his face into Jonghyun’s shoulder to cover his laughs.

From the back, a cackle resounded from Kim Jaehwan. Lee Daehwi threw him the dirtiest look he could muster, Jaehwan’s laugh is lowered several octaves but cannot be stopped.

With the alarm of Jaehwan’s laugh – now, the entire cafeteria has now turned to look at them.

Well, fuck – now he’s even more vulnerable than normal which is not what Daehwi had intended at all. He really doesn't need all of top 35 knowing how he feels about Kang Dongho.

Dongho just had to say something, anything really, to quiet the whispers that were building around the two of them.

To his surprise, Dongho stands up quickly and Daehwi’s eyes dart after him in fear that he’s going to be left completely alone sitting at this table in complete and utter mortification.

If he did that - then Kang Dongho would truly be the ultimate worst.

In a few seconds, his heart momentarily relaxes. Of course, Dongho was not that cruel – even if he had been putting a lot of effort into avoiding Daehwi.

Kang Dongho had just gone to the lunch buffet set up in the back of the cafeteria and brought him back the tteokbokki he'd asked for.

Daehwi feels his heart break as he looks at the spicy rice cakes in front of them. Of course. The universe hated him. So it made perfect sense that the one day he works up his guts to ask out the man that is literally in his dreams is also the one day that the cafeteria has decided to serve this stupid dish. 

Daehwi immediately recognizes an even louder cackle that resounds through the cafeteria but thankfully this is immediately quieted down. Kim Samuel deserves to die a slow and painful death.

Preferably at Daehwi’s hands.

“Daehwi-ah, eat lots!” Minki giggles awkwardly trying to dispel the tension. Dongho smiles at Daehwi for the first time in days - literally picking up rice cakes and placing it on a plate for him.

Daehwi doesn’t know whether to be touched or irritated.

The purpose of him asking Dongho to come out with him was not so he could actually eat tteokbokki.

But he can’t do or say anything else so he grabs the tteokbokki with his chopsticks, angrily stabbing at them until they’re in his mouth and the spicy sauce is burning his throat. His goal is to finish that stupid dish in front of him so that he can run out of here as soon as possible without looking rude. 

He realizes fairly quickly, this goal will not be easy to accomplish because Kang Dongho keeps re-filling his plate with tiny things. Like little pieces of soondae and then chicken feet but-

He never says a word to him. 

Not one freaking word.

To Daehwi, that reaction has confirmed it.

Now Daehwi hates him, he hates how nice Dongho is being when Dongho has really all but rejected him. Third time was the charm , after all. Anyone looking at the two of them would know that Dongho was doing his absolute best to let Daehwi down easily.

 

The worst part was- now everyone knew. Everyone knew that he wanted to go out with the guy thanks to Jaehwan and Samuel. Everyone also knew that Kang Dongho just wasn't interested.

Fine, Kang Dongho didn’t want to be with him. Daehwi could come to terms with that.

He could. He could. He could.

If he keeps repeating it- maybe the tears will stop rising to his eyes.

“I’m full.” He ends up half mumbling. Minki and Minhyun have both turned to look at him with a concerned expression on their faces as Daehwi has pushed his tray away from him and bowed quickly despite only consuming lunch for a maximum of five minutes. “See you guys at practice. I’m just going to go – wash up or something.”

Minhyun is standing to follow him but Daehwi has stormed out of the cafeteria faster than Minhyun’s long legs can keep up for once.

He doesn’t want any company right now.

Or at least that’s what he thinks until Samuel guides his shaking frame away from the washrooms and into his own bedroom with a smile on his face. Thankfully, no one else is in. “You little wimp.” Samuel laughed, patting his crying friend on the back. “You’re really overreacting.”

Daehwi has had enough. He's had enough of people saying that he's overreacting, of people teasing him about his feelings for Kang Dongho - and he's had enough of his own weakness for the guy. “I AM NOT OVERREACTING! ' _Oh great Kang teacher - please teach me how to sing_!' ' _Sorry Daehwi -  please go to psycho Jaehwan who will cut you to pieces in your sleep, not interested_. _'Oh okay! Well Dongho please - let’s just go get some cheap thousand won rice cakes!_ ' ' _Sorry Daehwi - it’s being served for lunch today and also not that interested but here’s a whole chunk of some bloody sausage because I feel super bad for rejecting the fuck out of you in FRONT OF EVERYONE!_ '"

After that long winded speech, Daehwi has to take a large breath.

Samuel looks at him pointedly and Daehwi is forced to wipe away the tears coming up to his eyes again. God, he was still crying? Snap out of it Daehwi! It’s just Kang Dongho!

And embarrassment - sure - but this isn't the first time you've embarrassed yourself! 

So really it's just Kang Dongho who could make him cry like this. Kang Dongho who was sickeningly sweet, huggable like a teddy bear but 100% screwable like a –

Thankfully, Samuel disrupts his thoughts before they venture any further into the rabbit hole he'd dug himself a grave in.“Lee Daehwi- you do know that we’re in a competition?”

“SO?”

“So remember how you said you don’t do “hyungs”? And you don’t do “feelings”? What happened to all that crap huh? Did it just fly the fuck out of the window along with your personality?”

Daehwi pouts because he doesn’t want to be attacked like this. He still has a personality! He does! But even he knows as of late his sole focus in the show has been determination to succeed with NEVER – and – well – Dongho. “It obviously went fuck out of the door when Kang Dongho came through the door and just started taking advantage my innocent pure 17 year old heart.”

“Daehwi-“ Samuel chastises him bringing him in for another hug, patting his best friend on the back. “About Somi’s number -” Right, he’d forgotten that Kim Samuel was not-so-secretly Jeon Somi’s number one fan. Samuel was using her to lighten his mood considering Jeon Somi was also Lee Daehwi's best friend.

If Somi was here, god save Kang Dongho. He really didn't want to think about how she'd probably shriek at Dongho for hurting him enough to make him cry. Still - it would be nice to have some one like that on his side. "What makes you think you're getting her number?"

“Yeah well -  my plan to become your #1 confidante has really helped in the long run cause I know you’ll cave and give me her number one day or like set us up on a group date or something.” Samuel teases winking.

Daehwi looks at him with a flat expression on his face. "The thirst level of this conversation is too damn high Kim Samuel."

"Isn't it great we're just both thirsty little fucks then? You for my ex-labelmate and me for your ex-labelmate." He cackles and then Daehwi sees his friend's expression soften kindly as Daehwi hiccups back a sob. “In all honesty, what did you expect Daehwi? Have you ever asked Baekho hyung something like that in the cafeteria?! The way you did it was so cringe too man – not casual at all like I told you! I had to laugh, sorry bro.” Daehwi supposes in some way that Samuel's apology grants his friend some measure of forgiveness especially since Samuel is right.

Daehwi hates it but he has to agree with him. Daehwi just isn't one of those kids who can pull of cute requests like he'd tried. Sure, Daehwi is someone who is naturally magnetic, which is way better than winks and cute anime slogans and-

Okay yeah he is a little jealous of kids like Jihoon and Seonho. He bet if Jihoon had been the one asking Dongho to buy him rice cakes he wouldn’t have been rejected -  “You’re  right.” He gasps for air leaning against the door frame of Samuel's bedroom as his friend nods understandingly.

“And come on man - are you in a competition or what? No more of this crying shit.” Samuel was trying to charge him up, he felt the force in his friend’s voice. "It's fine that you've ended up liking someone - but don't let that feeling bring you down. If anything it should just give you more drive to succeed, okay?"

“Yeah, you're right! I can do this!” He agreed. He still had to perform a song – which may or may not be at a complete disadvantage with the other trainees all depending on how Woojin was feeling over the next two days.

“AND TELL ME LEE DAEHWI!” Samuel spoke louder now getting off the bed obviously enjoying how hype this was getting. “When someone says they don’t want to hang out with you do you normally listen?! Cause from experience, my friend, I say HELL NO!”

“Hell YES!” Daehwi feels himself emphatically yell back in English squeezing his eyes shut together as Samuel laughs and nods. “And - just look at what great friends we are now! Would we have gotten here without me being pushy?!” Daehwi answers back feeling some of his fake confidence returning to him as he stands up from the bed too and light heartedly pushes Samuel’s shoulder. “I can totally do this! I can do this!” He starts stalking out of the room. “Kim Samuel!”

“YES LEE DAEHWI!”

Daehwi feels his heart squeeze uncomfortably in his chest. “I can’t do this.” 

Samuel bursts out laughing and Daehwi feels himself slack against the floor, looking up at the ceiling. 

He's back to square one.

\-----------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or so he thinks! DON'T WORRY BOOBOOOOO THINGS AINT THAT BAD.
> 
> I just feel bad for putting Daehwi through emotional turmoil all the time.
> 
> Also for the JR/Min shippers I started writing a seperate JR/Min fic (outside of this universe) #shamelessplugging


	12. Cosmically Unfair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally could not wait to post this. How lame am I?  
> so lame.  
> ALSO hope you all n joy :D!! <3 thank you again for all the love you're giving this story. Dongho and Daehwi are throwing 100s o hearts your way!

In the end, he doesn’t end up going to the ‘Open Up’ practice room because Daehwi still feels rejected despite Kim Samuel’s lunch power pep talk.

Though that wasn't fair. Samuel’s speech was able to accomplish at least one thing.  Daehwi was able to return to his 'NEVER' practice session with enough pieces of his shattered confidence to pretend that nothing had happened at lunch today. Thankfully, his members had also pretended to ignore the lunch mishap.

Well okay – Daehwi had never trained to be an actor like Seongwoo or Jihoon so he wasn’t doing a good job of pretending he was ok.

Like right now, everyone is seated together in a circle and while the rest of the boys are joking and fooling around - Daehwi just cannot. 

It isn't that he doesn't want to - or he doesn't think his members' jokes aren't funny - but he physically cannot bring himself to laugh. 

He just feels exhausted. So all he can do is just sit and, he hates that he's using this word, mope. It's the only word that describes how he feels and he is sure the rest of NEVER is just being polite by not bringing up what a downer their maknae's mood is. 

“Yo - what the hell are you doing?” Daehwi looks up when he hears Jonghyun swear, momentarily fearful he's incurred the legendary wrath of Kim Jonghyun.

It also feels so contrary to his image to hear that word from his mouth. After all, Kim Jonghyun is someone who is very conscious of how he and his band are being perceived on this show and he’s doing his absolute best to minimize negative air time for all of them.

Thankfully, the curse happens to be related to the embarrassment Jonghyun feels when looking at Minhyun who has literally turned around and started shaking his limbs jokingly and jumping up and down with his bum quite literally in the air. “You look so exhausted from the Woojin mess – so I’m trying to get you to shake it off! Shake it off! Off!" Daehwi has to admit Minhyun harmonizes better than Taylor Swift. "Is it working?”

“You’re shaking something you creep. I can see it swing from side to side in your pants - do we need to come shopping with you for better underwear?” Seongwoo teases from beside Jonghyun covering his own eyes but Jonghyun just smiles weakly up at his band mate who can only smile wider when he sees that his efforts to cheer Jonghyun up have paid off.

Daehwi is a little touched. It's remarkable how despite the fact that they’re both older than him there is something innocent about the way Kim Jonghyun and Hwang Minhyun communicate with each other.

Jaehwan snickers loudly launching into an acapella rendition of ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It’. Minhyun rolls his eyes, especially when Jaehwan starts blowing kisses to him.

Daehwi realizes he must look incredibly disheartened because Jaehwan has decided to start blowing kisses his way with a look of pity and concern for the younger boy. “Daehwi- Daehwi – how do you make a Kleenex dance?” As if to enunciate the point of the joke, Jaehwan’s eyebrows are dancing.

Daehwi can’t help it – the guy looks so foolish that it works just a bit. At least now he's able to smile a bit. “How?”

“You put a booger in it!” Jaehwan tries to pull boogers from his nose and bring his fingers close to Daehwi's shirt.

Like any self-respecting clean freak - Daehwi immediately freaks.

“You lazy mess - put that disgusting thing away right now. GOD.” Minhyun comes to his rescue immediately leaning over to start swatting their resident ahjussi look-alike. “As if it’s not enough to constantly dig your nose in our bedroom and put the boogers all over our bunk beds. Keep it out of the practice room - why are you so nasty?”

"Nasty! Trashy!" Seongwoo teases harmonizing with the old Destiny's Child song.

Jaehwan cackles loudly but Daehwi can’t tell if it's because he’s enjoying giving clean-freak Minhyun a heart attack or if it’s because Seongwoo has decided to enter the madness by making it his life’s mission to tickle Jaehwan into an early death.

 “Yo, yo yo! WHAT’S UP ‘NEVER’?!” The loud voice comes from outside of their circle and Daniel’s every heavy step booms against the wooden floors. Immediately upon setting his eyes on Seongwoo, the broad shouldered trainee squeals like a five year old girl tippy-toeing all the way to his friend. “Seongwoo ya!”

“Daniel-ah!” Seongwoo turns around dramatically. “Daniel – I missed you. You're so busy nowadays! We don't even sleep in the same room anymore!” He runs to him and embraces him so dramatically that they both end up falling on the floor laughing. “Come back to me, my love.”

"No thanks, my love!” Daniel easily rejects him rolling out from under his friend’s grasp as they both look at each other and burst out laughing.

Daehwi wonders idly if they know they like each other yet. Sure, from the outside all of this appeared like one big great joke but - there's a slight awkwardness in the way Seongwoo freezes when Daniel turns away from him and Daniel remains obliviously happy.

Then again – maybe everything is fine and they're just great best friends who happen to have Daehwi projecting his own issues onto the two of them. Just like he is projecting his own issues onto Jonghyun and Minhyun.

 “Yah, you guys don’t have anything better to do?” Minhyun asks while trying not to laugh at the twosome on the floor. Minhyun glances at Guanlin carefully and then in a lower tone of voice spoke to Daniel. “Seonho went to bed already?”

As quiet as Minhyun had been Guanlin manages to catch Seonho’s name in the conversation. He flinches visibly and quickly places a pair of headphones into his ears, practicing the pronounciation required for his rap verses.

"Do you miss him? Then you shouldn't have told the four of us about who you wanted to keep in and not included him." The question coming from Jonghyun is so soft and meek that Daehwi almost doesn’t catch the tone of annoyance in his voice.

Minhyun turns to look at him with a clearly shocked expression but Jonghyun has looked away at Guanlin.

Catching the tense air between their leader and his right hand, Seongwoo tries to diffuse the tension. “Man, you guys are so sour now - we should have just gone with the original plan to get me kicked out.” 

Catching onto Seongwoo’s trail to try to make a joke out of their weird atmosphere Daniel is immediately yelling loudly. “I WAS WAITING FOR YOU! YOU  _ **NEVER**  _CAME.  _ **NEVER**_.” Their resident Goldilocks then proceeds to grumble as he avoids Seongwoo's gaze. “I really wanted you in 'Open Up' man – I would have totally picked you.”

Daehwi watches Seongwoo's smile change from a practiced joker's smile to something more genuine. He can't help but think it's unfortunate that when Daniel has glanced back up at Seongwoo it’s back to being it’s practiced perfection. “Pick me. Pick me. Pick me.” Seongwoo jokes pointing back at himself.

The more time Daehwi spends with him the more he sees that Seongwoo is great at being funny. It's the type of funny that comes off both effortless and try-hard. It makes Daehwi think about how much of Seongwoo’s entire personality is practiced.

“Yah, be honest – the moment you heard you got to pick some of us who else did you want?” Jaehwan is the one wiggling his eyebrows and winking at Daniel now who is cackling away happily just as Jaehwan intended. “I can do sexy very well – you know right? You totally wanted me right? OPEN UP.” He’s biting his lips as Daniel crashes into Seongwoo’s shoulders unable to keep himself steady in the face of Jaehwan licking his lips.

Since he's presently occupied dying of laughter, Seongwoo speaks on Daniel's behalf while petting the younger boy's hair. “Don’t even lie- I know you really wanted Woojin in your team. You have a thing for younger kids with that name don’t you?” Daniel snickers nodding still unable to speak up for himself as he looks back at Jaehwan who has taken to just making sexy expressions for the rest of the team. “Creep.” Seongwoo narrows his eyes at Daniel who is now laughing at the ridiculous insinuation.

“I don’t know about being a creep – but I can admit Woojin’s a hell of a lot cooler than you. He’s also a better dancer than you. He's also sexier.” Daniel tries to mimic Jaehwan's sexy expression to surprising effectiveness and Daehwi sees Seongwoo still and gulp until the moment is broken by Daniel snickering again to himself. 

Seongwoo is not impressed. “Well - Woojin dances better than you too B-Boy! Show off who had to rap with PAPER in his hand.” Daniel flatlines for one second before he breaks down laughing again and Seongwoo huffs for a second. Daehwi can imagine how frustrating it must be to be with someone who was so happy all the time – but then Seongwoo bursts into laughter on his own too. “Well you were going to get three of us – so who else did you want from NEVER?”

“Ah no one other than you and Woojin, to be honest, but Dongho hyung did tell me to take Daehwi if he came up as the third.” The atmosphere of the entire room tenses as the words slip easily through Daniel’s grin.

NEVER has immediately turned to look at Daehwi who feels a bowling ball form in his throat when he looks at Daniel's easy smiling face. He's continuing to talk- completely oblivious to the bomb he's just dropped on Daehwi's heart. 

Sensing Daehwi’s eyes on him Daniel apologizes quickly folding his hands together.  “Ah Daehwi- I mean you’re cute and all but - I’m not sure you would have suited the concept. No offense! But Dongho did want you and he's my main vocal - who am I to deny a guy who says you guys will match well together vocally and visually? ”

Daniel had misunderstood but Daehwi couldn't be bothered to correct him. 

What the fuck?

What the actual fuck was Kang Dongho up to?

Vocally?

Visually?

Since Daehwi is stuck looking at Daniel dumbfounded, Daniel decides to continue on his tirade to quantify his awkward statement to Daehwi who has no other focus for his Kang related ‘Open Up’ anger. “To be honest, I don’t think Seonho suits Open up entirely yet either – kid keeps bursting out laughing every time he has to even try to be sexy but I do think it’s better he’s in our team than Showtime. If you were kicked out - you would have been so cute in Showtime with Samuel! Or you’d be the best in Oh Little Girl!”

The comment runs off Daehwi’s back like he’d barely heard it. “Dongho isn’t coming here is he? With you, I mean? Like now?” Daehwi is surprised to hear the edge in his own voice and sees Minhyun try to get his attention. Daehwi can easily ignore him.

Jonghyun is much harder to avoid as his leader immediately clears his throat and touches Daehwi on the shoulder lightly. Jonghyun doesn't say a word but he does ask Daehwi silently to be careful in front of the cameras so he doesn't say anything he'll regret later.

“Ah – no he can't come.” Daniel's expression reads confused but he elaborates for the team anyways. “Dongho's been up late most nights because he's been training and retraining Haknyeon and working with Yongguk. He said tonight he'd keep practicing with Haknyeon in the vocal rooms. I love Haknyeon really – kid is super cute – but – god damn what a mess this whole center thing has been because of him.” Daniel falls flat on the ground to demonstrate his exhaustion before pushing his neck up to look at him. “Daehwi, you roomed with him at the start, right?”

“Yeah during the cover stage, he snores a bit but other than that he’s fine I guess.” He answers disheartened and sees Jonghyun’s eyes turn to him – begging him to be more restrained with his expressions.

Daehwi wants to yell back at him - like a child. He wants to ask how Jonghyun can ask this of him? It's so frustrating to sit here like this – he should be doing something – anything to get over this feeling. It had been bugging him all day that he was rejected openly but he was willing to confront his own self-esteem and move past his pride and accept that maybe he just wasn’t meant to be with Kang Dongho –

But then Kang Dongho had to go do that.

He had to go confuse him again.

No, there was no way Daehwi could rest until he confronted the man. This had gone on for long enough – it had been weeks of torture. Daehwi was physically sick of this twisting feeling he gets in his stomach when he’s around Dongho.

Today he’s going to go tell Kang Dongho straight up -  who the hell does he think he is?

He'll go yell, vomit his feelings into the older man's lap and get rejected properly. Daehwi is sure if that happens then – then he’ll be fine. He’ll move on as horrible as it would feel and then he can pretend - he can pretend then for Jonghyun, Minhyun, Minki and Samuel and whoever else wants him to pretend to be okay.

When he gets up the rest of the group in the room looks up at him. “Daehwi?” Jonghyun asks reflexively but Daehwi can't pause to answer him - if he pauses - he loses. Jonghyun will stop him.

So he's already flying out of the door with a speed that is ridiculously marvelous as he hears Minhyun speak up. “Is it okay to let him go like that?” Minhyun whispers to Jonghyun who can only shrug back weakly. 

He's only thankful when he hears Jonghyun respond. “Is it okay for us to decide that?"

 

 

In minutes, Daehwi is stalking the vocal hallways that he remembers so well from Playing with Fire. Eventually he sees Kang Dongho but unlike what Dongho has said to Daniel - he is not with Haknyeon. Dongho has lied. He is all alone in a dingy little gray vocal practice room.

Daehwi gulps as he takes in the older man’s haphazard appearance. Dongho has a five o’clock shadow kissing his cheeks, his eyes are drooping with exhaustion, and his muscles are slacked weakly against his chair.

The only sound of life coming from him are his fingers loosely playing against a splotchy keyboard.

This makes things more uncomfortable than before. Had Dongho lied about being with Haknyeon so he could avoid Daehwi in the 'NEVER' practice room?

Daehwi can't help but question what it is he is doing here when he realizes he's been standing in front of the room for a few minutes at least, too scared to do much else. 

The older man's voice has so much power behind it that even with the door closed – Daehwi is able to clearly make out the words.

_"When I see you my heart shakes…_

_I run towards you without having time to breathe…"_

Dongho seems to struggle with the last note as he ruffles his hair and lightly kicks at the stand in the room and then he looks up to see Daehwi standing outside.

Daehwi gulps back the bowling ball in his throat as his gaze quickly turns to the floor. When he'd seen him Dongho hadn’t looked angry but he had looked scared – and that meant that he was afraid of Daehwi.

Daehwi never thought that he would see the day Kang Dongho was afraid of him. He hates seeing that look on Dongho's face and knowing he is the cause of it.

Dongho starts moving towards the door and Daehwi takes a deep breath as he tries to steady the expression on his face. He has to stay calm, cool, relaxed – just like Samuel had told him to. “Daehwi-“ Dongho opens the door to the vocal room. “Is everything okay?”

Daehwi's gaze is fixed on the floor because he’s not comfortable enough to look up yet. “Yeah, it’s fine – just sorry for disrupting your practice but I wanted to apologize for this afternoon. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” The words feel stuck in his throat so he holds his fists together behind his back and wills himself the strength to say the most embarrassing thing he’s ever said to Dongho. A surprising feat considering everything that's happened the past few days. “I feel like I make you uncomfortable a lot lately so –“ He looks up quickly expecting to see Dongho looking at him but the man is looking down at the floor unable to meet his gaze. Dongho looks like he's pained – just as Daehwi had expected. “Anyways, long story short - I just wanted to say I’m sorry because you didn’t deserve the mess I served to you today and I understand I was being stubborn about the practice and the stupid tteokbokki-”

“Daehwi…” Dongho says his name so gently that Daehwi can't find his stride and his string of apologies is disrupted. How is that fair? It’s not fair that all Dongho has to do is say his name and it makes him lose his resolve again to shut himself down. “It’s okay.” Dongho looks upset and apologetic again but why should he look apologetic when Daehwi was the one apologizing to him? Why was Dongho always so sorry towards him? Can’t he tell that’s not the emotion that Daehwi wants to see from him? “I know- it’s hard.”

Immediately, Daehwi’s heart starts hammering hard in his chest.

He remembers these words a little too vividly for his own taste.

Just a few weeks ago – they’d been on their way back from their first tumultuous session of working in Playing With Fire and Dongho had been apologizing to him for making his life difficult on the program.

The idea that these are the exact words he had said to calm Dongho down back then ticks him off. It feels wrong. It feels spiteful because all Daehwi can think about is how it is those words that have brought him to this moment where Dongho is standing there holding Daehwi's heart in his hands – and these are the words Dongho is using to push Daehwi's heart away.

It feels cosmically cruel.

So he pushes his heart back. Dongho cannot cop out. He has to say it. He has to say he doesn’t want Daehwi around. That Daehwi makes him uncomfortable. That he wants Daehwi to walk away and leave him the fuck alone because saying that he knows and it’s hard?

That doesn’t mean anything at the end of the day. All that means is that Daehwi is left here suffering with himself all over again.

Daehwi won’t let that happen again.

“What’s hard?” Now that he’s angry, Daehwi is shocked to hear the weakness leave his voice. “It’s not that hard for me.”

The older man has a disbelieving laugh playing on his lips when he speaks next. “No? You’re lucky then. It’s just difficult for me. It's really difficult for me, Daehwi.”

Daehwi is well aware now that they’re talking riddles and Daehwi considers himself an expert at riddles. He’s a fucking wizard. If Kang Dongho thinks he’s going to use words against him – Daehwi's OWN words against him - well Daehwi is going to show Dongho what it means to piss a lyricist off.

“Well – don’t worry, that’s what I’m trying to do here. I’m trying not to make your life hard anymore.” Daehwi practically curses it out because with every passing second he feels a heaping spoonful of regret seeping into his bones.

How could he have thought it would be a good idea to come here and confess to the guy?

Despite the venomous tone of his voice, Daehwi is somewhat perturbed to find that Dongho is only speaking back to him even more calmly. Can’t he make the man feel anything? “I don’t think you have a choice in the matter. I think you pretty much started making my life here hard the moment we started here together or don’t you remember?”

Daehwi’s heart stops in his chest. The blood in his veins runs cold.

Of course, he remembers. Dongho is talking about the first episode. He remembers watching all of Nu’est walk in – but Dongho’s march into the studio with a scowl on his face was imprinted in the mind of every trainee. It was the start of the show- the start of the competitive atmosphere to beat each other out - or at least beat out the band who came with a fanbase on their backs.

The displeasure on Dongho's face that day had clearly shown how much he detested the fact he needed to be here – how he had felt superior.

Or at  least that was how Daehwi had perceived him at first – but was it fair to use that against him? Daehwi hadn’t known him – how was he supposed to react? He knows that cut went viral and the studios used that reaction he had to Dongho in his entrance video as a way to edit the older trainee into a scary, anger-driven trainee who would cause trouble amongst the others.

Still he didn’t think that Dongho had ever held that editing cut against him. He had no control over that.

Dongho has narrowed his eyes and stepped a bit closer to him and his body leans forward towards the older man asking him to come closer still...but as expected Dongho takes a step back. Daehwi can't help but flinch. “Of course, I know I have a choice in how I make your life harder. You’ll be surprised at how many choices I make every day that impact you. I'm going to make one. Right now.” Daehwi makes a move to leave because at the end of the day that was what Kang Dongho wanted, right?

Dongho didn’t want this difficulty that Daehwi was starting to pose for him.

He just didn’t want to say it, right?

So fine, Daehwi will leave. If it’s about the cut – he won’t even push Dongho to say what he needs him to say. He’ll leave Kang Dongho all alone just like he likes it.

In the end, Daehwi knows him better than Dongho thinks he knows him. Daehwi knows Dongho has kept a very strong iron wall up around himself but for a second – just for a second – Daehwi had thought he had a shot at breaking through that wall.

What a fool he was.

Well, now, Daehwi doesn’t care. He’s not going to keep trying to break through that wall if that’s not what this guy wants.

Especially if Dongho has never really liked him in the first place – if Dongho has passive aggressively hated him from the start and manipulated his emotions into making him feel like a completely hopeless-

“Daehwi-“ Dongho takes a deep breath.

Then Dongho doesn’t say anything.

Again.

Daehwi lets out a heaving sigh. How much more can he take? Right now, if he just walked away and didn’t look back, maybe he could get over Kang Dongho. He’d only be over him for an hour first until he breaks down but as time passes it’ll go from one hour to two to the next breakdown and then maybe one day he’d finally be able to get all of his hours back to his own mind.

And then he wouldn’t think of Kang Dongho at all.

So he turns to exit with the unspoken threat – but Dongho speaks, choked emotion in his throat. “I think you’ll be more surprised at the choice you mean to me.”

Daehwi turns back around gulping as he pushes his way just an edge of a hair too close to Dongho’s personal space. He's being brazen and brash but he can't care because Dongho won't do it for them. “Try me.” He means it in more ways than one and he sees Dongho look at him with a strange expression.

Parched, confused, resistant – but pliant. He looks like he’s given up too. Dongho gives him a single nod.

They stand for a few moments and Daehwi itches to leave but he stops himself because he’ll give Dongho this time. If Dongho needs a few more moments to come to terms with what Daehwi's asking of him in his mind – to even just talk about this - then Daehwi could do that for him. He could suffer for a few more minutes.

When Dongho looks at him next he has a plan in his eyes. A focused, prepared thought out glance that has Daehwi almost worried about what happens next.

Dongho isn’t wrong – it is him that’s surprised.

In a second, Dongho has grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards the exit. They’re walking so fast that Daehwi’s not sure if his heart is malfunctioning because of the adrenaline or because they’re essentially holding hands or because they’re breaking all of the sign out rules-

They can get in trouble for leaving so late and the gravity of the moment only really hits him as they’re practically running down the halls, out the door and through the wind until they are-

They’re outside that stupid tteokbokki stand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm mess. i extended the never scene with the below bc i am NEVER trash :) and i don't know where to put it so it goes here :D 
> 
> \-------------------
> 
>  
> 
>  Jonghyun whispers softly when Minhyun pulls him aside after Daehwi's run away. "Minhyun calm down -  
> he’s not like Hyunbin- he knows his choreo, his lines –“
> 
> “You know that’s not what I mean. It’s not about Daehwi’s talent or skill – it’s about where he’s going or rather who he’s going to and for what reason.”
> 
> “I think this once – it’s okay.” Jonghyun relents. "Kid's driving himself mental. And I mean Dongho when I say that."
> 
> “What a mess.” Minhyun agrees softly as the rest of the team looks at them.
> 
> Seongwoo is the one who decides to speak up. “You know you guys are like – not as soft as you think you are right?” This was obviously brand new information for them as Minhyun and Jonghyun blush together.
> 
> “This is too cute, I can’t take it. Split up. Split up!” Jaehwan plops himself down between them as Jonghyun smiles to himself under his hands.
> 
> “Just – Daehwi’s obviously been bothered by what happened this morning don’t you think? Was Dongho any different?” Seongwoo asked carefully. There had to be some perks to being Daniel’s best friend and if gossip wasn’t one of then then Seongwoo had no idea what he was doing spending so much time with the fool.
> 
> “Oh wait wait – I have to call Jisung. We can’t do this gossip shit without him, he gets really upset when I end up catching him up later –and he was talking about how Daehwi was glued to Samuel’s side in his room all week!”
> 
>  “IT’S TIME!” Seongwoo announces, slating the room. “PICK DANIEL-SAN! PICK! IS IT ME OR JISUNG?”
> 
> “How can you even ask me that baby?” Daniel responds laughing with a smile so stuck on his face Minhyun has often wondered if he was just born like this giving all well meaning gynecologists a heart attack. “Of course I’m going to choose Jisung. I’ve known him longer and he actually can take care of me EVEN when he's broke. I have to take care of you all the time even though I’m younger.”
> 
> “Do you see? Do you see what I have to live with for the past three months? Everyone thinks he’s so fucking cute and adorable.” Pointedly, Daniel throws his perfect smile around the room as the rest of them sputter holding back laughs. “He’s a sick twisted man, DON’T TRUST THAT SMILE KOREA, AMERICA, CANADA, ANY OTHER COUNTRIES WHO MAY SEE THIS EDIT.”
> 
> “You know you’re just as sick in the head as me you creep. There’s a reason we’re close.” Daniel wiggles his eyebrows as Jaehwan shudders.
> 
> “I would tell you to keep it to the room – but please don’t. I sleep with Seongwoo.” Minhyun and Jonghyun burst out laughing and at least, for the time being, Lee Daehwi is forgotten.
> 
> \-----  
> I TOLD YOU. I AM NEVER TRASH. Also Wanna One and Nu'est trash :)


	13. Stars and Supernovas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys are wild....tbh this isn't even one of the most popular ships on the PD101 archive and i'm like hot damn you guys got this story to 10K hits, a ridic amount of kudos + comments + bookmarks 
> 
> how was I not supposed to update? (This is the best way to show you guys my thanks :))
> 
> hopefully this chapter is everything all of you thought you wanted (i'm sincerely praying it is)
> 
> without further adoooooooo~~ NEXT ON THE TTEOKBOKKI STAND DATES GUANLIN AND SEONHO (JK i'm a troll - and i'm also sorry for all of you who felt physically assaulted by the tteokbokki ending in the last chapter loll (sorry i'm like super obsessed with tteokbokki cause it's so delicious everyone should have it once in their lives))

Normally the tteokbokki stand is a 10 minute walk from the studio.

They had made it here in 6. In a few more steps, they could get rice cakes from the nice old lady in the makeshift tent and pretend nothing was wrong with the fact that they were here in the middle of the night.

But something was wrong. In fact, all of it was wrong because this wasn't what Daehwi had wanted when he had marched over to yell at the 'Open Up' vocalist.

“What is this?” Daehwi manages to cough out between gasps of air, attempting to catch his own breath. He looks up to see that Dongho does not appear to have the same physical reaction as him. The older man does however look irritated at his question. “Why are we here?”

“Yeah, I know.” Dongho starts pacing around him in a perfect circle.

Daehwi feels his head whip around too quickly, the muscles in his neck catching as he struggles to hold Dongho’s gaze, entirely too confused to follow Dongho's trail of conversation. “You know?”

“Why are we here, Daehwi?” Dongho stops right in front of Daehwi’s face. He's close, almost too close, for an empty public place. “You’re the one who asked me to bring you here. So shouldn't you be the one answering this question for the two of us? Why are we here? Why did you want me, of all people, to bring you here?” Dongho’s voice is so breathy and low that Daehwi feels shivers tingle their way up and down his spine.

He feels his head turn to the ground. What does Dongho want him to spell out? What he already knows Daehwi feels for him?

That can’t be it. It’s too easy an answer to that question.

No, Daehwi is convinced as he takes in Dongho’s dark eyes and stern expression that they’re outside like this because the older man is trying to teach him some sort of sick lesson about how dangerous his feelings are for both their lives on the show.

What an asshole. “Fuck you.”

Dongho is laughing but it’s not the laugh that Daehwi has come to love hearing from the older man. This one rumbles from deep within his chest, shades of cruel laced with every hidden growl and Dongho is stepping even closer to him now.  “When did you become so bitter Daehwi?”

“Stop this, we’re outside –“

Dongho cuts him off quickly closing the already small gap between them so their chests are pressed against each other. “There’s no one here, we might as well be inside.”

Daehwi rolls his eyes, turning his head away from the man sarcasm dripping from his lips. “You're behaving like a child for someone who is more famous than I am –“

Dongho’s harsh laugh only grows louder as if inviting the attention of fame should it ever choose to bless him. The sound itself makes Daehwi’s stomach twist uncomfortably, especially when Dongho leans towards his ears. “Daehwi, if I’m a star…you’re a supernova.”

Dongho does back off from him after saying that, just as Daehwi had asked but his words only leave more questions in Daehwi's mind.

How can Daehwi even respond to that? What is he supposed to say so that Dongho doesn't feel that way about them when Daehwi has no control over the problem? How can he turn back time so Dongho never has to feel this way?

So, in the end, he settles for an uncomfortably worded rejection of his own. “We’re not supposed to be here. We should really head back, otherwise both of us could get disqualified for misconduct – “

“Exactly.” Dongho finishes for him. “You are Lee Daehwi – the most talented trainee I have ever met if someone could even get away with calling you a ‘trainee’. You’re Brand New’s future and one of JYP’s many many mistakes. I am Kang Dongho, a loser from Pledis who had his chance – fucked it up royally and now I’m going to move the fuck on after this show is over.” Despite the harsh words his lips are speaking, Dongho’s tone is considerably softer when he glances at Daehwi.  “I can’t take it anymore, okay? So please, for me, stop. Don’t make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Dongho had finally rejected him.

Sure- he hadn’t necessarily said it in all the words that Daehwi had asked for but he did ask him very clearly to stop.

Daehwi could hear his own heart break so loudly he was scared he had gone deaf and he'd never hear music again. “Fine. You’ve made yourself amply clear and I apologized for making things difficult for you already so if you think we’re done here now-“

He turns around quickly to cover his face when he feels the threat of tears come closer to his eyes. He’s ready to run back by himself to studio when he hears Dongho laugh. "So you're just going to come, scream at me and then leave?"

“Why the hell shouldn’t I?!” Daehwi whips around practically shrieking. Despite his anger, he feels the water touch his eyes and hates that Dongho looks taken aback at the sight. He hates that he's shown a weaker side of himself to the older man. “You’ve said everything you needed to say, everything I ASKED you to say to me. So what else could you possibly say to me now? Isn’t this enough rejection for one day?”

Dongho looks physically anguished and Daehwi does kind of want to hit him now. He is that frustrated because Dongho has started to desperately shake his head. "What else am I supposed to do? This is what I have to do but that doesn't mean it's what I want. Just - try to understand me, please.”

The time for riddles has come and passed. If he's going to talk like this again - Daehwi may just end up punching the 101 Punch King. Daehwi looks at him unable to stop his heavy breaths as he opens his mouth. “Kang Dongho, do you like me?”

The silence rests between them for a long time. Dongho just stands there, breathing heavily, just as Daehwi is.  The older man's lips are pursed together tightly in stubborn silence. He finally looks away from Daehwi, closing his eyes and turning his head towards the street light.

He looks as exhausted as Daehwi feels. So Daehwi does the only thing he can think of that will help both of them.

He grabs Dongho’s wrist this time and pulls him further into the shadow of the night, down the dark paths of the city and to the back of a dimly lit alleyway where there's nothing - no cars, no staff, no fans. 

He let's go of Dongho's hand, letting the older man weakly waver back towards the wall across from him.

Even if they’re apart – Daehwi bridges the gap with his words. “You’re really not going to say it?” He pushes insistently. “There’s no one here. There’s no cameras. There’s just you. There’s just me. That’s it.” Dongho looks at him fearfully and Daehwi knows what he’s doing to the older man isn’t fair but he's desperate now. “Just for one second. Just one second – pretend there’s nothing there to stop you from doing what you want.” Dongho makes a noise as he shakes his head but Daehwi doesn’t stop. “Just tell me, what do you want Kang Dongho?”

Dongho’s frame uses the wall behind him for support. He pushes his face into his hands and Daehwi hears him growl frustrated.

Dongho opens his mouth and then closes it.

Then he does it again.

Then finally he looks up at Daehwi and shakes his head apologetically.

This is when Daehwi realizes that Kang Dongho will never give in to him.

But Kang Dongho doesn’t know that Daehwi is just as stubborn and insistent as he is.

Daehwi does the only thing he’s thought of doing since he fell for the man in front of him.

He crosses the alleyway between them until he’s right in front of Kang Dongho, grabbing him by the non-existent collar of his Open Up T-shirt. Then he pulls the man roughly to him and presses their lips together.

Daehwi kisses him like his life depends on it. After all, his entire future now rests in Kang Dongho’s hands to reject, accept, love, hate – and most importantly destroy.

After an unbearable amount of time just pressing his lips against Dongho’s frozen ones, he finally feels the man melt into his insistent embrace. Dongho's mouth hesitantly reciprocates but his kiss just feels like another apology. It’s the only way Dongho can bring himself to admit the things that Daehwi knows he feels. Dongho’s hands carefully cradle his cheeks like he's not sure if he wants to pull Daehwi closer or push him away. The man's breath lands gently on Daehwi’s cheeks and Daehwi hears him sigh into their kiss.

Then Dongho pulls away.

Ashamed.

He bends his knees and pushes his face into his hands like he cannot believe he’s done what he’s done.

Daehwi can’t decide whether he’s ridiculously happy or ridiculously upset because even if he got what he was looking for – Dongho’s immediate following reaction was not what he had hoped for. He had wanted Dongho to give in, give up and give them a happily ever after.

But fairy tales did always lie. A magical happily ever after kiss did not fix everything.

But Daehwi can try to fix things even if his kiss can't. Daehwi could try to remove whatever the obstacle was that was stopping Dongho from verbalizing his feelings. 

So Daehwi kneels down, reaching for Dongho’s hands. With little resistance, he's able to pull them away from the main vocal’s scrunched up face.

Daehwi knows he needs to iterate it for the both of them because Dongho never will. “Listen, Kang Dongho - I really like you.” Daehwi feels the blood automatically rush to his face as he tries his best to stay confident and not bury said face into the neck of his pink T-shirt from sheer embarrassment.

Dongho pleads for forgiveness softly. “I’m sorry but - you can’t. It’s- it’s just a bad idea…trust me.”

Daehwi feels his face fall for a second but he quickly recovers because he is not Lee Daehwi for no reason. He’ll figure it out. “Why would it be wrong?” Dongho grimaces like he's been hurt by the idea of it just as much as Daehwi has.

“What you're asking for doesn’t make any sense Daehwi - we don't make sense. Not in this universe.”

That’s an easy one. “I think we make a lot of sense. For example – you like music. I like music.” Dongho looks like he has a response to that but Daehwi quickly quiets him. “Granted – we are on a music based variety show – but like I mean REALLY like music. I know what I felt in that piano room - and I felt like I found someone who could understand me.”

Dongho has a weak smile playing on his lips but as soon as he realized he was smiling, he restrained it again. “Daehwi, you know that’s not what I mean. I know we’re ‘compatible’ – but it’s not that easy. You’re – you. I’m – me.”

“Wow. You write lyrics with that brain?” Daehwi's attempt at a joke to lighten their mood only makes Dongho give him an irritated expression.

“You do know you're younger than me right? Not just younger. You're a lot younger than me - and then there's your career. Your career has just taken its first baby steps into this harsh entertainment world and you’ll be running at a million miles an hour before you know it to make your dreams come true. When that happens Daehwi - this really won’t make sense then. It’s really stupid to get into this right now." Daehwi opens his mouth to retaliate but Dongho shakes his head. "Don’t try to convince me otherwise – this is not a smart move for you. So you have to stop.”

Daehwi furrows his eyebrows, arms folded on top of his knees. “Excuse me, I'm the one who wants to make that move so why are you trying to make decisions for me? Do you honestly think I haven’t considered everything you just said?”

“You don't act like you considered anything - for god's sake what kind of person just grabs some guy and pulls him into a dark alleyway to maul him against a wall?!” Daehwi can’t help it. He blushes and smirks with a small sense of pride as Dongho groans. “That was not meant as a compliment.”

“Well it certainly sounded like one and what can I say? I’m Lee Daehwi. I get what I want - and you're not just some guy.”

"6 months ago I was just some guy to you."

"No, even 6 months ago - you were still just Kang Dongho the guy whose voice I always liked a bit more than everyone else's in the song demo tapes." Daehwi knows Dongho’s not used to this – people don’t normally challenge him. "Then somewhere around 4 months ago - you were an angry, scowling man who freaked the hell out of me and then a few weeks ago you became Kang Dongho the most infuriating man I've ever had the pleasure of falling for."

Dongho is blushing now. “Look - it’s not easy is all I’m saying.”

“Hey, is anything easy?” Daehwi is forced to respond with a tight expression on his face.  “Did you not hear me the first time?” Dongho furrows his eyebrows, lost with where Daehwi was taking this. So Daehwi takes a deep breath and steadies his heart. “Listen, properly okay? I like you. I REALLY like you. I like you so much that my heart has literally almost given out these past few days when you started to ignore me. So yes, I am younger than you. Yes, I’m going to make the top 11."

"Daehwi -"

"Just stop - stop turning me away when you don't want me to go because more than anything in this world right now – the dreams that I want to come true? They just look that much better when you're in them. So just don't say stop again okay?” 

Dongho looks up at him dumbly like he’s never been confessed to before. Daehwi smiles softly as he leans closer to his face, just before he reaches Dongho's lips Daehwi pauses purposefully - giving Dongho one final chance to turn him away.

Dongho doesn't say a word.

So Daehwi kisses him again finally feeling the confusion in his mind ease. Daehwi is sure that never in his wildest dreams did Kang Dongho think Daehwi would have been the first to kiss him – twice. 

This kiss is shorter and much gentler than the forced kiss he had inflicted on Dongho before. He feels the older man lazily rest his lips against Daehwi's own as their hands hold onto each other tightly. Dongho's looking for an excuse to stay where he is but Daehwi slowly pulls him up to his feet, only parting from the older trainee when he’s certain the man will stay up on his own.

Daehwi let’s go first, leaning his forehead against Dongho’s purposesfully close so Dongho cannot avoid looking straight at him. Daehwi’s happy to find the anger he had felt coursing through his body before had been extinguished - replaced only with a strong sense of determination. “Listen, you don’t have to say anything. It’s all me. I’m the one pushing this – I’m the one who’s a complete fucking fool for falling for someone on a freaking survival show- like who does that-”

Dongho bursts out laughing as he covers his face in a move that is surprisingly shy.

This is doing nothing to make Daehwi want to stop this urge to kiss him again because he knows now Dongho won’t tell him to stop. 

So even if Dongho's never going to say he likes him, it doesn’t matter.

Daehwi knows. So it’s okay. He can be happy with his silence too if that’s all Dongho is able to give him for now. “Daehwi, you have got to stop swearing. It’s going to come out on camera and you’re going to look like a little shit. What if Korea decides to not love you anymore?”

“Blame it on Samuel's bad influence, and WOW, are you worrying about me now?” Daehwi teases him.

Dongho doesn't speak up again - but he does smile weakly before leaning down slowly to capture Daehwi’s lips against his again.

The adrenaline Daehwi had felt from their first kiss was starting to simmer down, resting just below the surface of his skin so that Daehwi could savour the feeling of Dongho’s fingertips hesitantly pulling their bodies together. Dongho’s hands have found their way around Daehwi’s neck, fingers crawling towards Daehwi’s unkempt hair from practice. Their feet move together until Daehwi feels himself happily sandwiched between the brick wall and Dongho’s increasingly fast beating heart.

Daehwi could feel his own heart hammering away as his hands dug their way deeper into Dongho’s broader shoulders.

Since there was no immediate reason for them to part, Daehwi feels himself take in the smaller details of their kiss. Dongho’s lips are fuller than what he’s felt before and they’re soft, tasting like a mix of peppermint and sweat. He feels the man's fingers curl themselves into his hair and reflexively Daehwi's arms lock them together for what feels like forever.

The need for air does force their lips apart but Daehwi is relieved that Dongho is not forcing him to let go of him.

Instead, they stand in silence, shrouded by the almost darkness of their alley - holding onto each other. Daehwi feels a smile float onto his face automatically as he looks up at Dongho unabashedly happy.

Dongho still looks scared and he still looks worried but there’s something else there too. Daehwi doesn't want to be presumptuous and call it happiness – but he does hope it is because Dongho has a weak smile on his face too as his lips part to say something. “I like you too.”

Daehwi feels his heart crash down to his toes as he leaps forward and presses a kiss to the older man's forehead. Daehwi knows this is Dongho’s own way of offering his trust to Daehwi – now they’re on equal footing again. This was not easy for him to admit and, for that itself, Daehwi is grateful. He's managed to make the most stubborn man on Produce101 change his ways. “Great, thank you for clearing that up. Can we go back to making out now?”

His attempt at a half-joke has Dongho looking amused as he shakes his head. “No, we need to get back. We totally broke the rules coming out here. I thought you wanted to go back?"

“I wanted to go back when I thought you were going to be a bit more of a pain. But I really can’t kiss you in the studios where there are cameras…so I kinda have to get my fill here.” Despite his choice of words, Daehwi is being very serious but this is making Dongho laugh.

Daehwi isn’t sure if he’s laughing at him or with him. “I wasn’t really proposing we kiss on the way to the studio – or at the studio either. I was suggesting we not kiss at all.” Daehwi is certain his face looks as appalled as he feels because Dongho is only laughing harder. "For the foreseeable future."

“So then let’s stay out for a bit longer?” Dongho looks resistant to the idea. “Come on! I’ve literally been dreaming of this for the past month and a half, can we please give Lee Daehwi a little more time to feel you up?"

His joke works. Dongho cracks up again, leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the alleyway for physical support. “I’m sorry...were you always this perverted?”

“You should be sorry, I’m only like this because of you.” Daehwi scoffs shaking his head as Dongho relaxes visibly. In fact, this was probably the most relaxed he’s ever seen the older guy and in some way Daehwi is proud of himself for being the reason Dongho looks like this. “Do you know how many sleepless nights I’ve had because of you?”

“Yeah?” Dongho smirks proudly, rubbing the back of his neck and stretching his arms open with one singular eyebrow raised expectantly. 

Daehwi walks slowly towards him, snaking his arms around the other man’s waist carefully. It feels – strange to be able to just walk into Dongho's arms. He’s thought about being able to do that sort of thing obviously – and the fact that he’s able to do that and Dongho is letting him still feels like an unrealistic future. He wonders idly if it’ll ever feel completely real. “I don’t think I’m going to be sleeping any better.”

“Why is that?”

The fact they had struggled to say so much to each other makes him want to tell Dongho how he feels about every little moment between them now. Regardless of how embarrassing it would be to say it to anyone else, he wants Dongho to understand the extent of his feelings for him so the older man knows that he's not just playing around. Only complete honesty would accomplish that goal. “Why would I want to go to sleep when I have you when I’m awake? Even when I can't kiss you - you'll still be there right?”

Dongho gives him a single small nod and leans down to bridge the gap between their faces again.

None of their problems have really disappeared. But for now, Daehwi shuts his brain off – because Dongho has moved his lips away from his and has focused on kissing him down the edge of his jaw - making Daehwi giggle from the ticklish sensation of his stubble on his cheeks. “What are you doing?”

“Do you ask everyone obvious questions? What does it feel like I’m doing?” Daehwi pulls his face away from Dongho’s and holds his face in his hands. “What?”

“I really freaking like you.” Dongho bursts into the widest grin that Daehwi has ever seen.

“Lee Daehwi – you already have me where you want me, you don’t need to keep telling me. I still can’t figure out why the hell you’d like me anyways.”

Daehwi feels a small smile on his lips as he quickly presses a series of kisses to Dongho’s forehead, eyes, nose, chin, and cheeks making the older man laugh uncomfortably from all the unexpected affection. “Hey Kang Dongho, go and look in the mirror. And then go look in that heart of yours. With that killer combination, how could I not?”

So Daehwi kisses him again, gasps of air mingling as the two of them try to say everything they can’t put into the words Daehwi loves so much.

On their walk back to the studio, Daehwi pulls a rice cake into his mouth.

It's hot and spicy, perfect for satiating the mild amount of hunger that has built up in his belly after the mess of emotional conversation he’d been forced to have because the man beside him was emotionally constipated. “I can’t believe you actually bought me tteokbokki...”

Dongho is laughing at him, pointing at the side of his face as Daehwi tilts his head sideways confused. Finally Dongho just gives up, wiping the sauce for the younger boy with a gentle smile on his face. “Hey man - go slow. The tteokbokki is not running away. And, since you asked so nicely -  of course I was going to get you some.“

“We both know I wasn’t really asking for ‘tteokbokki’. I only asked you that because Samuel told me it was your favourite.” Daehwi blows on the next set of rice cakes as he lifts the stick towards Dongho’s mouth. “Hungry?”

Dongho pauses for a second before nodding with a shy sort of grin on his face as he envelopes the stick and takes two of the four into his mouth. Daehwi rolls his eyes shaking his head. “What a pig, who told you to take two at once? No wonder no one but me gives you food.”

“Yo – you think these muscles come from dieting? It's bulking season man.” Dongho snickers as Daehwi shrugs. “To be honest, I’m the kind of guy who gains weight pretty easily if I don’t watch what I eat.”

“Me too – well but like baby fat and my one double eyelid completely disappears.”

“SURE – it’s not baby fat if it’s around after you grow up Daehwi!”

“Yeah. We need to talk about this disgusting habit of yours. You need to stop using my words for your own okay? You’re such a plagiarizer.” Daehwi grins brightly as he feeds Dongho again. “Hey, if I told all of Twitter about how you're a plagiarizer-  do you think I’d look cooler for being plagiarized by Nu’est Baekho? Wah so cool!” He waves his head around in multiple different directions only pausing when he realizes Dongho has stopped walking beside him.

“Oh sorry – just it’s weird to hear you say that name.” Dongho cocks his head sideways. “You’ve never said Baekho before.”

It’s true. He never has used Dongho’s stage name with him. Samuel tended to use it a lot more than anyone else in the studio but it was likely from habit. “Which do you prefer?”

“Honestly – from you? Dongho.” The bulkier man's cheeks tinge pink, broad shoulders hunched over themselves. “Baekho’s just a stage name you know – you should call me by my real name.” He opens his mouth again for food but Daehwi shrugs putting the rice cake in his own mouth.

Dongho is not having it. He immediately reaches for the next stick of four in Daehwi's Styrofoam bowl and puts it into his own mouth making Daehwi frown. “You ate enough! I need you in top condition for 'Open Up' tomorrow. Stop eating or you'll bloat!”

Dongho scoffs. “I’m in great condition. You just want to eat more rice cakes.”

Daehwi shrugs half-heartedly. “To be honest, I don’t even like rice cakes that much.”

“Then why are you being so stingy and eating them like you haven’t had food in five days?”

Daehwi looks away as he looks down at the cup in his hands with an unhealthy grin on his face. “You bought them for me…so they taste better than normal.”

“Wow.” Dongho shakes his head as Daehwi pauses.

“What?”

“I mean god – that was really cheesy.” Daehwi rolls his eyes. Dongho is one to talk - he has the cheesiest grin on his face. "I can buy you more you know...I mean don't get me wrong - I'm not like super rich. In fact, I'm in a shit ton of debut debt but I can afford tteokbokki whenever you want any."

“Yeah, well, I’m a really cheesy person and I'm in debt too." Daehwi bites his lower lip excitedly. Dongho has just technically invited him to have tteokbokki whenever he wants. He loves tteokbokki, he'll eat tteokbokki all day every day, every single meal. The man has no idea what he got himself into. "Since you're such a big spender - next time we’ll get cheese with the tteokbokki and our whole conversation will be extra cheesy.”

“Why are these bad jokes making me like you even more?” Dongho shakes his head. “God – what has happened? Where did my sense of humor disappear to?”

“Excuse me. You were blessed. Be thankful for the gifts god has given you in the form of Lee Daehwi and his excellent sense of humor! Also, thank god every Sunday for your happiness. By voting for Lee Daehwi, of course.” Daehwi blows a kiss to Dongho jokingly. The older guy shakes his head laughing as Daehwi grins up at him brightly.

The path hasn’t been easy, and he doubts that it’ll get any easier from here on forward.

When they get closer to the studio, their bodies reflexively distance from each other but their faces are still laughing and the bright smiles that hold the memories of what they exchanged remain even as they head into their respective bedrooms.

As he crashes into his bed, Daehwi is sure they're both agreeing on at least one thing tonight.

This entire painful experience has been worth it. 

\---------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could tbh end it here. (I mean they are happy and they kissed and all is well :))
> 
> BUT I have a bit more planned. Apologies for anyone who was expecting literally anyone else this chapter - this was just a shit tonne of Dongho and Daehwi as they tried to figure out their issues BUT we'll get back to business as usual next chapter :)
> 
> I hope this was everything you guys thought it would be! :) thank you all again for the love and support <3


	14. Pillows and Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS TOOK A WHILE.
> 
> So as an apology - more than normal guys. more than normal :) (also quick note - we're not at performance day yet - ONE LAST DAY before that day)

“Move over Lil’Woo.” 

Little Woojin jumps in the air at the sound of his voice. “Ah – Daehwi, hi.” As directed, his little dongsaeng shifts over obediently. 

“Daehwi, is everything okay?” Youngmin looks genuinely confused and concerned at his sudden appearance.  “I mean  –“

Where Youngmin is trying his best to dance around his question, Sewoon chooses to blurt it out. “Yeah why aren’t you having breakfast with Never and Open Up like you always are?”

Daehwi coughs, tapping his chest lightly. Jung Sewoon was always too blunt for his own good.

Thankfully, he doesn't have to respond - Samuel has his back.  “Sewoon hyung, we don’t bring that up right now. If Daehwi wants to sit with us today, of course he can.”

The truth was that, of course, Daehwi wanted to sit at his regular table. However, after last night, he was sure that he couldn't be trusted to act or behave normally around Kang Dongho. So he'd made sure to purposefully avoid his teammates today.  “Yeah, I can sit with whoever I want. Do you guys have a problem with that?”

Donghyun exchanges a secretive look with Youngmin making it a point to twirl a lock of his pretty brown hair around his finger.  “Nope.”

“Kim Donghyun, you piece of shit - I can see you trying to call me crazy right there!” Daehwi tries to reach over the table to maul his friend and almost succeeds before Samuel clutches onto his waist trying to pull an unruly Daehwi back into his seat.

“What are you even saying Daehwi baby?! My hair just likes to do this on its own – what?” Donghyun waves a hand at him winking. “Also you’re so delulu, I’ve never called you crazy. I was just telling Youngmin that you should get a perm when we go to the salon next time before elimination – you would look SO good with curly hair.” Youngmin can’t take it anymore. Donghyun’s explanation is too ridiculous. His face crumbles into his lap, laughs resounding loudly across the cafeteria.

“Okay first of all, that is a completely shit cover-up and guess what loser? I will always give you shitty lines in our songs you- you - devil’s spawn -”

“Who the hell are you fooling?” Youngmin manages to spell out between snickers shaking his head. “Between all of us, you love Donghyun the most.”

Daehwi feels himself huff. “It’s because you guys keep telling Donghyun about that, that he thinks he can get away with talking crap to me! I’m taking it away – I, Lee Daehwi, the first of my name at Produce101, no longer love Donghyun the most!”

Donghyun is waving at him affectionately.  “Our Daehwi is so cute and dramatic when he’s upset, I can’t help it.”

Youngmin smiles at Daehwi. “Even if it’s rarer now - it’s nice to eat with you and actually talk to you for once, Daehwi-ya.” Daehwi finds himself unexpectedly frowning as he looks at the two Brand New members. The way Youngmin and Donghyun looked at him now, excitedly chatting about everything they’d been through in the show so far made Daehwi feel like he had been unfair to them by immediately flittering away to make friends with the other trainees. 

He decides to laugh along, delivering his full attention to them this morning.

He’s doing quite well too until mid-way through his cereal bowl, Daehwi feels Samuel poking his side, looking worried. “So how are you doing? Did you sleep okay?” Daehwi knows since Samuel is the one asking him this he should be looking at him but his eyes have finally given into the temptation of looking for Dongho.

Daehwi feels his heartbeat accelerate when he finds him. Dongho and Jaehwan are cackling away together at something Daehwi enviously wishes he had said. For a second, Daehwi feels like despite everything that happened last night - nothing has changed. He's still all the way here - and Dongho is still all the way there.

It saddens him just a bit and he’s ready to turn back to Samuel and ignore his feelings  when Dongho’s eyes turn to catch his like he’d been waiting for Daehwi to look at him.

A smile buds on Daehwi's lips and he watches Dongho’s cheeks colour, a similar smile finding its way onto the older man's face as well. He looks relieved when he turns back to Jaehwan.

Whoa, Kang Dongho actually liked him.

How fucking amazing was that? “I slept wonderfully, thank you for asking Samuel.”

Samuel looks at him slurping the milk at the end of his bowl, awkwardly. “Daehwi, that’s great and all but do you have to look like you’re a serial killer while you’re saying it?” Daehwi smacks his friend over the head. Samuel immediately starts making lewd noises and butting his shoulders with his. “Yo, yo - why is Lee Daehwi in such a good mood? Did _something_ happen?” Samuel's eyes look between Daehwi and Dongho. Daehwi feels his lips roll into his mouth as he contemplates - if it's Samuel it's okay to say something right?

“Daehwi got laid.” Jinyoung announces as he comes to sit in the empty seat beside him. He only looks apologetic once he sees that Daehwi literally starts choking on thin air. “OH COME ON, Daehwi. It was just a joke. Grow up!”

Daehwi continues to cough but mostly so he can blame the flush on his cheeks on his lack of oxygen.

And now everyone at this breakfast table is heckling him. 

God save him. 

 

The rest of the day is spent drowning in good news. Woojin is performing after all and they’re back to training in their original formation. Everything is perfect and he knows exactly what he’s doing but- with every passing second he spends training with his team he thinks to himself that he really doesn’t need to train anymore. He knows ‘NEVER’ inside and out – he can dance it in his sleep for god’s sake.

“Are we done now?” Jaehwan yawns blearily. “I can’t sing like this tomorrow if I don’t sleep now. It’s almost 11 Jonghyun-ah – we’re ready, I swear we are.”

Minhyun gives Jonghyun a pointed look as their leader sighs, a mixture of disappointment and understanding on his face. “Yes, fine, I guess we can all go sleep. Daehwi, Guanlin go get some sleep first we’ll come soon. The vocal room on the second floor is good enough. We’ll reconvene in the morning faster that way.”

Daehwi doesn’t really want to go sleep. It’s still early enough for him to go spy on the other teams and one trainee in particular. “I-“ Whatever he’d been about to say was cut short by the very serious look Jonghyun gives him. “I will do that.”

As the door shuts behind them, Daehwi catches Jaehwan growling out complaints as Minhyun pats him on the back kindly saying he did a very good job today.

“Hey, is Jonghyun hyung okay?” He feels himself ask Guanlin softly.

“I’m sure he’s fine – everyone’s been on edge lately. We’ve changed the formation twice for no reason - and the rank race is getting tighter.” Guanlin responds shrugging. “Hey, do you want to see something funny?”

“Why not?” Guanlin bursts into a bright gummy grin pulling out his cell phone quickly showing him a picture of Yoo Seonho making what appears to be either a kissy or fishy face. “What the hell is this?”

“Seonho’s trying to be sexy.” Daehwi feels his eyebrows rise in a pointed expression as he looks back at Guanlin for more information. “He looks like an idiot.” Guanlin quickly pulls the phone away from his eyes and snickers into the picture.

Daehwi feels himself smile as he taps Guanlin's shoulders to drag his attention back. “Do you really think that?” Guanlin is horrible at hiding his feelings and he’s visibly flustered by Daehwi asking this of him.

“What do you mean? Of course I do –“

“Okay. If you say so.” Whatever issues Guanlin had with Seonho – Daehwi wasn’t about to step foot through that door uninvited.

“Anyways – how am I supposed to respond to this?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he hasn’t texted me in a week and this is the first thing he’s sent me –“ Daehwi reaches for the phone and looks through the messages.

_Which one do you like the best for the Open Up end focus shot?_

Daehwi can’t help it. He immediately bursts out laughing as Guanlin becomes the human embodiment of a tomato. “Daehwi, why are you laughing?”

Can he tell Guanlin the truth without having his friend deny it and or blow up into little smithereens from embarrassment? “Well, come on then, he asked you a question. Why do I even need to tell you how to answer?”

“I haven’t seen any of them except that first one with the pouty expression. That one was stupid enough. Can we look at them together?” Despite his words, Guanlin looks nervous.

“Geez – Guanlin, you don’t need to sound so excited when you say that.” Daehwi lets himself laugh this time when Guanlin only looks more unamused. “Come on – you have to like one a little better.” Guanlin settles in beside him as they peer at the phone together in the dark shadows of the small vocal room.

“The lips are too obvious – next.” Daehwi swipes the photo accordingly. “God, in this one his hair is doing something weird. And the next one his-“ Daehwi has already skipped but then a photo comes up that has both boys making choked sounds.

In this one, even Daehwi can admit Seonho has done well at his handed task. The younger boy has managed to turn his usually bright beady eyes into sleep hazed marbles, his cheeks feel hauntingly defined and his lips hang open just the slightest - in a manner that is remarkably suggestive. Daehwi wants to squeal and turn away from the phone.

A few seconds pass, Daehwi manages to knock himself out of his daze but when he looks at Guanlin – the boy hasn’t blinked once. “Guanlin?” He’s waiting for Guanlin’s standard negative comment to come but it never does. “Okay then, we have a winner.” Guanlin appears to still be starstruck as he stares dumbly at the picture unaware Daehwi was trying to hand him his phone back.

Daehwi resists the urge to roll his eyes as he quickly types back a response for Seonho.

_That one where you’re just staring blankly at the camera like a fool works best. Do that one. #4._

From beside him, he hears Guanlin squeal loudly. Thankfully, before he has a chance to yell, the baby chick has already responded.

_Rude but thanks._

“Better?”

Guanlin nods, surly and unamused, but he does take his phone back finally since he now has a reason to text Seonho. “Yeah – thanks.”

“Are you guys okay by the way?” Guanlin can only grumble nonsense words and lie down, curling towards the wall opposite to the door. “Yeah, that’s how I respond to nice people who ask me questions too.”

“Good night Daehwi!” Guanlin singsongs trying to hum himself to sleep.

"After putting me through the torture of seeing that creepy picture - god Guanlin that is the last time I try to help you with anything.” The Taiwanese boy continues to hum ignoring him and so Daehwi does manage to fall asleep. With how exhausted he is, he’s not surprised. He’s also not surprised when despite the fact he hadn’t said a word to him all day - Dongho’s face from this morning flitters as the last thing he sees in his mind’s eye before consciousness slips away from him.

But the itch to actually look at him never truly goes away and when Daehwi feels his eyes crack open later he knows he has to sneak out.

Until he hears Kang Dongho’s voice today – he won’t be able to rest.

Unfortunately, since it's several minutes later, by now the other ‘NEVER’ members have also found their way into the vocal room. Minhyun and Jonghyun are carefully guarding the door with Seongwoo and Jaehwan leaning against each other in the corner. Daehwi carefully turns on his cellphone, sitting up so he can observe where the limbs are to avoid waking his team members up.

Unfortunately for him – Kim Jonghyun is a very light sleeper. “Daehwi, where are you going?” He tries to ignore how even like this – Jonghyun sounds like he’s lecturing him.

“Just – you know – out.” He mumbles weakly as he sees Jonghyun’s eyes open up in the dark. Jonghyun looks remarkably like a goblin king with the halo of Daehwi’s cellphone reflecting off his shiny black hair like a crown. “I’ll come back soon but –“

Whatever shitty excuse Daehwi was about to make up is forgotten because Jonghyun doesn’t care. “Just go, be quiet about it and don’t get caught doing anything stupid. Please?”

Daehwi feels his eyes expand as he nods carefully not quite sure what to say to reassure Jonghyun. “I just want to go see.” Daehwi mumbles as Jonghyun nods back closing his eyes, disbelieving of his words but too exhausted to fight the younger trainee. 

When Daehwi gets to the Open Up practice room though, he’s surprised to find that Guanlin and Seonho are the only ones there.  “You’re awake?!”

Guanlin was making Seonho twirl his hand in the flower motion required by the choreography but at the sound of Daehwi’s shrieking voice he’s immediately let go of Seonho’s hand. “Well, you are too!” Guanlin looks back at him accusingly. “Why are you even here? You should be sleeping!”

“I’m checking out the competition!” Great cover. “You’re actually helping the enemy!”

Seonho rolls his eyes. “Daehwi, if you’re looking for Dongho hyung he’s in a vocal room with Haknyeon again.”

“What?” He’s squealing so high that he sounds like a little pig. “Why would I look for him? I have nothing to do with him. I’m looking for – Young boy. Youngmin. Where’s my homie at?”

At his very overreaction, Seonho narrows his eyes. “Youngmin is in bed, because he could perform this song in his sleep but Dongho hyung said you might come looking for him…?”

Oh…shit. “Right, yeah I did need to talk to him too about something. Okay well –“ Daehwi bowed delicately. “Please continue dirty dancing.”

Guanlin glowers at him like Daehwi's just told him that he supports Hitler. He's about to say something to him but the words grow lost when Seonho’s hands and fingers lace their way through Guanlin's hand. "Guanlin, let's start again?"

He’s forced to look away from Daehwi at his labelmate who is smiling up at him in the most innocent way possible.

Daehwi slowly steps out of the room backwards as Guanlin nods, face stoic as ever as he begins to make Seonho's hands follow his again. 

When Daehwi works his way back to the vocal hallway he’s happy to find that it’s easy to see which one Dongho is in – it’s the only vocal room that has light pouring out of it. When he peeks through the glass he can see Dongho raising his hands to indicate the rise of the note.

Haknyeon follows suit but his effort is in vain, he's too sharp.

Daehwi grimaces when he sees Dongho repeat the action four times. Haknyeon misses the beat every single time.

The expression on Dongho’s face now is one that Daehwi very clearly recognizes from ‘Playing with Fire’. Dongho is roughly three seconds away from blowing up on the poor guy. He’s starting to feel hopeless because no matter how hard he’s trying with Haknyeon – his results are not improving.

This is too painful to watch. Daehwi has to go in and help him. He knocks softly on the door. “Hi – uh-“

Daehwi feels the swell in his heart at seeing Dongho dampen when the object of his affection has turned to look at him like he's an annoyance. “Daehwi, what is it? I’m busy.”

Daehwi feels his jaw drop. He was only here to help in the first place! Fine, if Dongho was going to be all business – he could be that way too. “I know. I can tell. I have eyes, thanks for stating the obvious though." 

Dongho looks at him pointedly and Daehwi folds his arms over his chest, rolling his eyes. "Well it's nice to see your eyes are working so well you can roll them too."

Daehwi's jaw drops as he blushes beet red. "You were rude first!" Dongho has a laugh playing on the edge of his lips, a smirk permanently in place as he leans forward towards Daehwi who drops his gaze to the floor.

Haknyeon stares between them like he doesn’t quite understand what's happening around him. "I'm sorry - are you guys friends or are you fighting? I can't tell. I thought you two didn't even like each other after Boys In Luv."

Both Dongho and Daehwi turn to look at each other at that. When Dongho doesn't make a move to answer him, Daehwi plasters a smile on his face. Best to move on before either of them said or did something else that was equally stupid. "Haknyeon you’re a bit sharp- I could hear you from outside." He turns to face Haknyeon, making it very obvious that he’s turning his back completely to his –

Oh god – his what?

He wants to call Dongho his boyfriend, his reason, his dream –

But 1) all of those labels are too cheesy and 2) He realizes now that he has no name or real position for him in his life.

So he decides to ignore his person’s presence entirely. 

That was the point of today anyways right? He wasn’t supposed to act like anything had changed. He could do that! Even with Kang Dongho’s eyes boring into his back. “Hey, Haknyeon, stand up for me will you?” Haknyeon does as told and lets out a yawn. “You’re going to be singing this standing, right? So use your stance and posture to angle your breathing. Build your air up from your diaphragm.” Daehwi leans over and lightly taps Haknyeon’s diaphragm making both of them laugh.

Daehwi’s also mildly aware now that Dongho has his eyes fixed on them, unblinking. It's doing nothing to calm his already frazzled heartbeat because he's not certain if it's Kang Dongho the singer or Kang Dongho the man in the alleyway. Eitherways, his heart is screwed. “Okay, now imagine the song as a circle – try singing how you normally would.”

Haknyeon tries again and as expected he’s just a bit too high. Daehwi turns to look at Dongho biting his lip but the other guy just shrugs unhelpfully.

Haknyeon sensing the frustration in the room, pulls on his hair. “Sorry Daehwi, I know you’re trying to help but - I’m just so tired.”

“Please don’t be sorry. Its fine - we’ll get it eventually! Remember in a circle we have a relative reach to work upwards or downwards - so sharp or flat. Based on how your pitch is and where you think that note lands just ground yourself and try to go just a bit below your current pitch when you sing that last line.”

Miraculously, the image works.

Haknyeon hits the note he's been messing up this whole time.

Dongho almost falls over himself in joy almost knocking the sheets of music off the stand in front of him as he claps lazily. “Go sleep now Haknyeon. Just remember Daehwi’s trick and you’ll be fine. We can do the rest tomorrow but we’ll perfect your lines I swear.” Dongho nods at him blearily rubbing his eyes as Haknyeon nods and exits the room.

"Good night hyung. Thanks Daehwi," He yawns and walks away as Daehwi smiles waving back at him.

“Hey, since it's late - should I leave too? Do you want to sleep?” Dongho looks at him pointedly like he’s surprised that Daehwi would even bother asking that question and it makes Daehwi’s heart lodge in his throat. Okay, well at least he’s not being ushered out. Dongho is smiling at him and Daehwi realizes that’s all he really needs to calm the itch in his heart. Now, he feels like he can go to bed.  

“You actually came huh?”

“God, you look so happy now. Before we solved the Haknyeon mess - you were ready to kick me out.” He teases him as Dongho folds his hands together apologetically laughing. Seeing Dongho look so relaxed made the trip worth it at the expense of his sleep. “Hey - you told Seonho that I would come see you but you forgot to tell me?” He rubs his eyes as the yawn builds in his chest. He had to stay up for a bit longer. Who was to say he'd even get to talk to Dongho tomorrow?

At least, for now, they still had this sorry excuse for privacy in this room.

“To be honest, I didn’t think you would come to see me. It’s late, NEVER’s already sleeping and my team is still practicing - but just in case you tried I figured someone should tell you where I am.” Dongho grins up at him proudly as he lists off each obstacle that Daehwi had managed to find his way over. Daehwi feels himself smile.

"I know - you should feel ever so lucky I was here today."

"I have a feeling I'm going to be feeling that way a lot even without you telling me that." Dongho grins back at him as Daehwi snickers nodding.

"Well as long as you're admitting  it-"

He doesn't get to finish his sentence because for once - Dongho is the one who has word-vomitted on him. “Hey, do you want to- rest for a bit?”

“Rest?” Daehwi squeaks as Dongho nods. Without waiting for his permission, in five seconds flat, Dongho has his arms wrapped around Daehwi's back. Daehwi feels himself tense at the idea of this going too fast-

Until he realizes all Dongho is doing is removing his mic wires. With nowhere else to move for balance he ends up placing his hands on the sides of Dongho’s arms as the older man laughs letting go of him. They are still technically in a camera recorded space.

“Yeah, rest, sleep, snooze - fall asleep together for now. One sec. I'll take mine off too.” He moves away from him and Daehwi hears himself gulp watching Dongho unravel his own mic piece and turn the lights off in the vocal room. It doesn't go completely dark - they still have the faint yellow light from the hallway pouring into the room but it is dark enough that only the two of them can really tell what's happening inside the room.

“I mean I don’t – “ Dongho raises an eyebrow as he makes his way back to him. “It’s –“ Dongho has already pulled him down on the floor beside him. “We’re in different teams. We should sleep in our team rooms – NEVER’s not even that far – they’re just in the other vocal room - ”

“Yeah- but I’m tired and you’re already here. So just – stay, Daehwi.”

“Fine.” He really needn't have worried about anything. The moment he's agreed, Dongho turns away from him to face the wall and Daehwi mimics the action so their backs are pressed to each other in the small room. 

This is entirely appropriate. Painfully appropriate.

Surely, Dongho didn't just go through all that trouble removing their recording equipment for them to sleep together with a valley between them - right?

Minutes pass and Daehwi waits, unable to truly sleep. 

And yet – nothing happens.

Daehwi is reminded of all the nap fantasies he’s had. There was the dream that Daniel, that asshole, had interrupted when they were in the jungle. Then there was the one where he'd imagined being in Minhyun's position in the Nu'est dorm and now that he was really here - basically in Kang Dongho's bed for all intents and purposes - 

It felt mildly disappointing that Dongho was making no move to do – well anything.

Even though he was the one who asked him to stay here, grabbed him and took his mic off!

What the hell was up with that?!

“Hey…” Daehwi feels the whisper slip his mouth before he could stop himself. “Hey!”

“What, Daehwi?” He can’t see his face but he hears the tone of amusement in Dongho’s voice.

“You’re not- doing - anything. Like you took off the mic and you turned off the lights –“

“Yeah because it’s bedtime. We can do that at bedtime remember?” This time he actually can hear Dongho laugh behind him. Daehwi covers his face with his hands so he doesn't paint the whole room red with how hard he's blushing.

“I mean it’s fine but –“

“Is it fine?” Dongho asks back a little more awake from the sound of his voice.

“Yeah I’m fine. Are you fine? I was only asking because I remember Minhyun saying you’re a grabby sleeper and – if you’re not getting sleep because you’re trying to not grab me then this isn’t very restful and I should just go–“

“Daehwi, does Minhyun get an opinion now as to how we do this?”

“Well since we’re not doing anything in the first place apparently I don’t even get an opinion.” He squeaks the moment the words leave his mouth. A few seconds pass and Dongho doesn't respond. He’s getting sick of talking to a wall. “Forget I said that.”

Daehwi turns around, breath lodged uncomfortably in his throat when he sees that Kang Dongho has already turned around to face him.

When did he do that? “Are you sure I should?” Dongho is smiling at him head pressed to the ground shyly and Daehwi feels his stomach twist as they look at each other. He doesn't even want to blink.

Eventually, he's going to die from this slow torture - in his will he'd let his mom know Kang Dongho was to blame. “Stop teasing me.”

“Well you’re too observant for your own good – who told you to pay so much attention to everything that’s said around you!”

“That’s what they all say-“

Daehwi watches as Dongho smirk at him. “They all say? Wow – that’s quite a collection. Lee Daehwi - how many is 'all'?”

“I mean- not all like all.” Daehwi feels himself slowly die. Things were supposed to get easier now- they were not supposed to be talking about the number of exes he had and how they all thought he was too smart for his own good. “3? The three say. That’s what the three say.”

“Hey, that’s more than me...and that's actually one of the reasons I like you.” Dongho pats him on the shoulder like it’s a consolation prize. Daehwi looks at it offended. How the hell was this awkward pat supposed to be enough after yesterday? “I’ve only really had one very serious relationship.”

Despite knowing the answer Daehwi feels himself ask carefully. “It’s not someone in Nu’est right?”

“GOD NO.”

“THERE’S A LOT OF FANFICTION OUT THERE OKAY.” Daehwi uses as an excuse when Dongho bursts out laughing.

“Don’t believe everything you read then.” Dongho ruffles his hair, his hands barely gliding over Daehwi’s face. Daehwi feels himself sigh as his eyes just barely close when Dongho’s hand reaches for his in the dark. “I’ve just had one very serious relationship. Another musician – so we just naturally ended up together after working for a bit on some stuff.”

“At your age, one guy? That’s embarrassing.” Dongho coughs uncomfortably as Daehwi snickers at him lightly. “Still it makes sense – you have no game.”

Dongho laughs along, agreeing and Daehwi can't help but remark that even in the dark his smile glimmers brilliantly. “I’m not really someone who pursues that sort of thing - who the hell would want to date an unsuccessful idol anyways?”

“Stop saying that – you’re not – at least not yet. You can do a lot- all of you can." Dongho sighs, disbelievingly as he nods along to satisfy Daehwi. "It’s going to happen, just trust me.”

“We really shouldn’t be talking about this right now.” Daehwi is about to say they should talk about this more than anything else but finds his resolve weakening when he feels Dongho’s thumb caress the inside of his palm. 

“Fine, but only because you’re remarkably convincing and-“ He stretches, yawning, using his exhaustion as an excuse to move closer to Dongho. “I’m so sleepy – if I just end up on top of you it’s okay right?”

Dongho bursts out laughing. “Daehwi, you know that even though I took our mics off I’m sure there’s cameras somewhere –“

“Party pooper.” Even as he says this, Daehwi knows that Dongho is right so he does make a move to back away from the older trainee sighing. "Fine, good night."

"Good night, Daehwi." He feels himself smile as he shuts his eyes. Daehwi feels the beat of his heart slowly come down and he can't help but think that it's possible that for the next year and a half - this is exactly how he would fall asleep every night. 

A few minutes later, when sleep has almost taken him to another heaven he feels himself being pulled forward.

"Did the cameras go away?” Daehwi manages to murmur weakly as Dongho's snickers worm their way through his ears.

“Even if we leave this place there’s always going to be cameras.” Regardless, Dongho wraps his arms tightly around Daehwi like he was a human pillow instead of a human boy. “But, if it looks like we’re already asleep and our eyes are closed- then it’s fine to rest like this right?”

Daehwi doesn't respond. Instead, he uses his actions to tell Dongho he's okay with this. He pushes his face further into Dongho's chest, breathing softly as he presses a soft kiss over the older man's heart.

He has a feeling he won’t be dreaming much tonight –

There was no point – most of his dreams had come true anyways.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly - this wasn't supposed to be a squishy Dongho Daehwi chapter but I couldn't bc they're together now and I just want fluffy okay-  
> Okay.
> 
> ALSO OMG GUYS - your reactions to the kiss ~~es~~ made my life trust me :D
> 
> I also low key named this chapter - "Does Minhyun get an opinion as to how we do things?" But then I stopped myself because I realized that was lame.


	15. Sandwiches, Smiles and Chokers

Dongho wakes him up early in the morning around 4:30 and they trudge weakly back to their respective dorm rooms to sleep the rest of the night off.

Unfortunately, Daehwi soon realizes that after spending much of the night with a heavy arm for a blanket sleep is not going to come easily to him without it.

Still he manages to pull off a few hours before the performance day is upon them. As soon as they walk into the room, Woojin is waiting for them in their make-up room. “WOOJIN-AH!” He’s about to run and throw his arms around his labelmate when he feels Jonghyun grab him by the scruff of his T-shirt. “No hugs?”

“No hugs- he’s still contagious Daehwi.” Jonghyun does however let go of him and nod towards Woojin. “All good?”

“Yes hyung, thank you for letting me perform with the team.”

“I should thank you for performing with the team- you’re making sure we’re not at a disadvantage today Woojin-ah.” He bows his head gratefully.

Woojin's skin turns red and Daehwi feels his stomach twist. Was he still feverish or was that just a rash of some sort? “Are you doing okay? Do you need water? What about a massage? Let me message Donghyun you know he gives the best massages-“

“Daehwi- I am fine.” Woojin stresses while wincing. “Just perfect.”

“Yeah, you’re not very convincing Woojin.” Jonghyun looks towards Minhyun who immediately pulls out an icepack from his bag and tosses it to Woojin.

Relatively reassured that Jonghyun is looking after his stubborn labelmate, Daehwi feels himself turn to Guanlin. “Guanlinnie – can you come with me for a second?”

Guanlin squints at him carefully. “Why?”

“Because – “ How can Daehwi say it’s because he wants to tell Guanlin to keep his mouth shut about seeing him visiting the ‘Open Up’ room last night? “Seonho asked.” Guanlin fell out of his chair immediately dashing out of the room before anyone had a chance to comment on his embarrassing reaction.

Daehwi had thought that he was bad when it came to his feelings for Dongho but he was nothing compared to this fool.

When he steps out of the room, he sees Guanlin poking his head out of another empty make-up room. “What?” He asks almost angrily and Daehwi holds his hands up in defense.

“Hey – about last night – “

“What about it?”

“Listen, if you’re going to be so shy about it we can talk in English, you know.”

“We don’t have to talk in English because there’s nothing to talk about.”

“Then why are you talking in English?”

“Why are you responding in English? It’s confusing to keep switching languages!”

“Look, I just wanted to say – “ He isn’t actually sure now what he wants to say. He doesn’t really want to tell Guanlin to keep his mouth shut because that indicates there’s something to be quiet about. “I think it’s really cool you were helping Seonho out last night when you were supposed to be resting.”

This appears to appease the otherwise frazzled Taiwanese boy. “Well, he’s just always complaining. After we told him about which picture looked best – all he could talk about was how afraid he was that he’d be left behind and I’d move on?”

“Leave him and move on to who? I didn’t even know you two were dating.” Daehwi is only half-joking but his friend is not impressed. “Hey man, you said it, not me.”

“You know what I mean –“

“Actually I don’t – I really don’t. You two are weird. Do you want to explain what’s up with that?” Guanlin looks like he’s about to attempt it until he throws his hands up in the air and lands himself in the swivel chair behind him, head in hands. Out of pity, Daehwi asks him something else. “Hey, you know how a few days ago – I was in Samuel’s room and you just walked in -“

“Yeah?”

“Why’d you come in that day?”

This time Guanlin is the one wiggling his eyebrows at him – it’s the most expression he’s ever seen from the stone faced teenager. “Why were you in Samuel’s bed anyways?”

“Long story, he’s my therapist.” Guanlin looks at him for more information but Daehwi doesn’t have anything else to say. “Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that long a story.”

Guanlin’s laughing so hard he looks like he’ll have stitches in his side if he doesn’t stop. “That’s exactly why I came. Samuel just looks like he knows what he’s doing. On stage, in life, when he makes a sandwich-“

“When have you seen Samuel make a sandwich?”

“You know in the hypothetical scenario of Samuel making a sandwich – he’d know what to do. Start with some bread, then turkey, maybe a little mayo-”

“What the-“ They turn around to see their topic of conversation, Samuel, squinting at them. “This has to be the weirdest conversation I’ve ever walked in on and I’m rooming with Noh Taehyun. Also -Showtime’s coming here soon, so could you losers please leave?” 

“SAMMY!” Daehwi ran over to his best friend wrapping his arms around his shoulders as he whispered teasingly. “You sure you want us to leave? We can make it weirder.” Samuel is not entertaining the thought as he turns to him with a frown on his face swatting Daehwi’s tickling hands away.

Their teasing is short-lived as a new voice breaks through their room. “Daehwi-“

Shit he’d recognize that voice anywhere.

Daehwi turns around to see Dongho standing there looking at him awkwardly. “Listen – do you have a second? Minhyun asked me to come get you.”

Samuel turns to look at him with an impressed look. Daehwi tries to ignore his best friend, pinching his ‘therapist’ in his side extra hard on his way out, superbly satisfied with how Samuel is groaning as he leaves the room. “Sure, I was going to come by to our make-up room in a bit but they told me to wait and so Guanlin and I–“

As soon as the door closes behind them, Dongho stops him. “In case it wasn’t obvious, Minhyun isn’t actually looking for you.”

“He isn’t?” He turns to look at Dongho properly for the first time today. He looks happy, well-rested even, and the thought that he might have something to do with that makes him want to reach for his hands. Still he holds himself back.

Dongho is in a pair of regular blue jeans and a white shirt that was barely buttoned to the neck. It’s there that Daehwi feels his mind wander away from him because pieces of Dongo’s tattoo start to tease the edges of his imagination. The black ink contrasted against pale of Dongho’s skin so prettily that he found himself wondering what it would be like to trace the edges of the art with his fingers.

“What are you staring at?” When Daehwi looks up at Dongho, the man is awkwardly shuffling from foot to foot and Daehwi rolls a smile into his lips.

He can’t smile too wide – how embarrassing would that be? “Nothing, nothing.”

“If it’s nothing, you wouldn’t be smiling like that –“

It’s better to change the conversation. “If Minhyun’s not looking for me - why’d you call me out?” There’s no way he can actually say what he was thinking out loud anyways.

“Do I need a reason?” His voice is low and soft and it makes Daehwi’s skin crawl with anticipation for privacy as he looks up at him and shakes his head carefully.

Who the hell is he kidding? It’s not like Kang Dongho actually called him out to pull him into some sort of broom closet and kiss him silly. “You never need a reason, but I would like to know I’m not keeping Open Up from practices since that’s pretty much all your team does all the time now anyways.”

Dongho’s face visibly lights up as he nods happily. “You know - I actually think Haknyeon’s managed to keep what you said to him yesterday in his head. He did well pretty much all of today – I only yelled at him once!”

Daehwi snickers behind his hands patting him on the shoulder encouragingly. “What an improvement, Kang Dongho look how far you’ve come since Playing with Fire!”

“Sometimes I get frustrated easily so- thank you for coming yesterday. You did help a lot.” Dongho’s gaze softens with genuine gratitude. Daehwi feels himself flush uncomfortably when the older man actually bows his head in respect. There’s something he never thought would happen. “I honestly don’t know what I’d have done yesterday without you.”

“Probably committed some level of vandalism and arson from sheer frustration – but did you actually call me out to thank me?“

“No actually- I wanted to ask you – about tonight - “ Dongho starts and Daehwi feels his eyes widen. He immediately looks around to see if someone is bothering to overhear their conversation. Thankfully, Dongho doesn’t say much else other than to drop his words to a whisper. “I mean – if you’re free – “

“Yeah.” Daehwi responds quickly. “But - you guys aren’t going out drinking again?”

“Knowing the rest of the guys, they probably are…but I’ll say no. I don’t like drinking that much anyways.” Dongho assures him quickly. “I mean –“  Daehwi quickly shakes his head and nods at the same time because whatever Dongho wanted to say had to be stopped quickly before it left his lips but he also had to assure the man that everything was okay. “Okay. See you soon then.”

“Cool. I guess – I’ll head back now then?”

“Yeah, for sure – I mean – what else right?” Dongho awkwardly taps his shoulder and so Daehwi reciprocates but with an expression on his face that very clearly shows that he's making fun of him. "Stop that! What else am I supposed to do?" 

Honestly, Dongho shouldn't ask him. Daehwi had a few ideas on what else they could be doing - none of them very good for either of them. "Nothing, nothing." He sticks his tongue out as Dongho laughs and turns around to walk away. Daehwi felt himself run on auto-pilot, turning back to the make-up room with his heart lodged in his throat.

Did Kang Dongho just ask him on a date?

He turns back around to see Dongho move down to disappear into another hallway – he wants to yell, scream, and jump for joy.

When he walks back into the Showtime make-up room with Guanlin and Samuel he’s surprised to find that it’s little Seonho who is waiting for him with a suggestive expression on his face. “Uh, Seonho, when did you get inside?”

“I came in with Dongho hyung.”

“NO!” Daehwi pretended to be shocked. “I didn’t even see you. Work on your stage presence kid.”

“That is my stage presence! I’m like spider man. Anyways – Guanlin I just came to wish you luck and to say watch yo back.” Seonho then proceeds to tackle his best friend’s back who looks traumatized by the entire experience. “I’m gonna come up behind you so fast you won’t even know what happened.”

Samuel bursts out laughing at the unspoken innuendo as he exchanges a glance with Daehwi who sputters back a laugh when Guanlin looks at the two of them with a threatening gaze in his eyes.

Guanlin quickly shifts away from Seonho, instead running to grab Daehwi’s hand. “Daehwi, let’s go.”

As they make their way out, Daehwi turns back around to wave at Samuel who waves back brightly at him.

He only realizes something is off with this picture when his eyes land on Seonho who waves back with a confused and pained expression on his face.

 

 

He doesn’t get a chance to see Dongho after that – he’s rushed out to the stage for the rehearsal performances.

The most remarkable stage is definitely ‘Oh Little Girl’. He’s not sure if it’s Minki’s coaching, the song or Jinyoung himself but - he can’t keep his eyes off his friend.

None of this bright smiling character on stage is the sarcastic, mischievous and utterly demonic Bae Jinyoung he’s used to.

After the performance, Jinyoung crashes into the empty chair beside him in the front row. “Oh god, I’m so tired, Daehwi. Water please.”

Daehwi offers him his own water bottle easily – he’s too lazy to go grab him a new one from the back. “Well – you did smile that weird psycho smile up there a lot.” Jinyoung looks like he’s going to punch him. “God Jinyoung – I was just kidding. Your smile is fine – and did you know? When you don’t look like death warmed up – you’re actually kind of handsome?”

At the unexpected praise, Daehwi watches Jinyoung’s eyes fall for a second before he lets out an arrogant smirk. “Shut the hell up and look the other way if you’re going to say embarrassing shit like that. Besides it doesn’t matter how well I smile on stage – ‘NEVER’ is a wall I’m never going to beat with that smile alone.”

“Don’t worry – just have Jihoon wink again. That’s like an extra 1000 votes right there.” When he sees Jinyoung’s smile fade he feels oddly protective of the boy beside him. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean? Nothing’s wrong. You just said I’m ridiculously handsome and you’re basically falling for me and I’d just say it’s a little too late -” Jinyoung’s smile is back on and Daehwi is even more perturbed.

How had Bae Jinyoung already learned to act like everything was okay?

Just a few days ago, he couldn’t even fake a smile to save his life. “Hey, Jinyoung - do you think you can really hide from me?” His voice has lowered several octaves to afford them the smallest amount of privacy he could deliver to this very public conversation. He watches Jinyoung’s façade drop as his face quiets to the dark, thoughtful expression Daehwi is used to seeing from the slightly older boy. “Listen, you know you can tell me if there is anything wrong – I’ll always try to help.”

This time when he whispers back, Jinyoung finally sounds like himself and less like a Casanova rip off. “Just drop it, Daehwi. Trust me. Its better you don’t know.” Daehwi wants to prod him more but Jinyoung has immediately pointed to the stage. “Look the Open Up rehearsal is starting – man this stage is going to be killer.”

“Actually you would be completely wrong –“ Daehwi starts to turn his head towards the stage ready to explain all that had really afflicted the Open Up team to his friend.  

“Hey, trash-talker – what were you saying?” Jinyoung snickers at him. “Close your mouth Lee Daehwi – flies will get in there." 

How can he possibly close his mouth when he's just been completely stunned by the fact that Kang Dongho looks like he’s walked out of a spread in GQ Korea – and all he’s doing is playing with a piece of his hair that’s come loose around his face. 

Dongho’s styled into a tight fitted black suit. Underneath his tight suit is a fairly loose white shirt, the first two buttons are unbuttoned to show off just enough of his white skin without revealing any of the tattoos that would be considered inappropriate for T.V. and his neck  –

Daehwi immediately turns to Minki and Sewoon who are three rows behind them. “Uh – guys - Dongho is wearing a choker.”

Minki looks like he wants to laugh at him. “Yes, Dongho is wearing a choker right now. Glad to see your vision is 20/20, Daehwi."

He lets the sarcastic remark run off him. Mostly because Dongho is wearing a choker and he needs answers or at least strongly worded comments from his ex-teammates. “Dongho never wears chokers. He said he doesn’t like chokers. I remember.”

“Yeah. You can tell.” Minhyun breaks up their conversation laughing as he points back at the stage. 

When Daehwi turns back to look at him, the older man looks less like a model and more like an uncomfortable bull dog pulling at his collar. Dongho looks to Youngmin for help who comes over laughing to loosen the leather so that Dongho can breathe again.

Daehwi feels his heart swell in his chest, the smile on his face is unmistakeable. Daehwi is sure he’s being entirely too obvious about his feelings for Kang Dongho but it felt nice to see him joking with Youngmin on stage.

“He looks really good.” He feels his mouth announce too honestly and then quickly corrects himself but more for the sake of the cameras than his friends. “They all do – Open Up has had a very hard time. I mean good for them – and you know Seonho looks kind of like a weird pimp it’s all working this weird bed concept- wait is Kenta assaulting Haknyeon right now?”

He was – Kenta was literally ripping off Haknyeon’s suit jacket laughing maniacally while Yongguk and Daniel awkwardly snickered in the corner.

“I don’t know about anything else but this concept is definitely going to work.” Cheetah calls out from the judge’s zone and Daehwi can’t help but nod along and agree with her. This has fan girl written all over it.

All of them had severely underestimated the voting power of Open Up.

The performance is just as earth shattering as their concept and Daehwi feels himself absorbed entirely by the sound of the song and the way Dongho’s vocals carry the sultry promise of the lyrics.

The most surprising performance does come from Kenta who has transformed himself into a rapper and their audience hollers for the young Japanese trainee who resists the urge to smile during his rehearsal.

When the stage ends, Daehwi feels his hands clap together furiously. “Holy shit.”

“Yeah – uh – what the hell was that? I thought they were struggling.” Hyeongsub laughed from beside him.  “Between Daniel’s thigh grab and Dongho’s voice – I think we’re all fucked royally.”

“It’s only fair.” Daehwi finds himself mumbling as both Jonghyun and Minhyun turn to look at him skeptically. "Open Up is the team that took in Youngmin, Seonho and Haknyeon – and they’ve trained non-stop. I’m just happy they’re not falling off the stage.”

“Daehwi, you and Guanlin helped them last night right?” Minhyun looks at him kindly as Daehwi feels himself flush and nod carefully. “It’s not our place to do that but you two did the right thing – makes me proud we have you two as our little ones.”

“Our handsome Guanlin also has a heart of gold!” Seongwoo pulls the awkward Chinese boy into his arms as he looks to Jihoon for help. Jihoon is shaking his head laughing while Guanlin pouts weakly.

“This is all well – but we still have to perform tonight everyone. Let’s get our heads back towards the stage performance now that we’ve seen everyone.” Jonghyun’s own mood darkens further at his own words.

Every stage was one step closer to their dreams but it always came at the expense of loss.

Daehwi glances down to look away from the other trainees – but he only sees Minhyun’s hands reach for Jonghyun’s.

He glances back up quickly, gulping back the knot in his throat. “We’ll be okay right?” Jinyoung asks him and Daehwi folds his hands into his lap nodding.

“Keep smiling for real, pretty face. You’ll be on Jihoon’s throne in no time.” He is fully expecting the punch Jinyoung throws to his arm this time and squeals. “THAT WAS HARD!”

“Well, you deserved it asshole.” Jinyoung turns away from him, his face folded into his hand as Daehwi snickered to himself.

He could get used to teasing Jinyoung like this.

 

 

After the final performances Daehwi feels himself smile, settling into his spot in the team line-ups. “Daehwi stand beside me okay? Expressionless okay?” Minhyun looks at him pointedly and he tries to hold back his grinning face. “God, what are you so happy for anyways?”

“We both got Encores.”

“We both?” Minhyun asks him but Daehwi shrugs and pretends to lock his lips as he throws away the key. Minhyun looks tempted to pull him aside and lecture him on how better to keep secrets because really both of them know exactly who 'We both' means.

Thankfully, Boa is already out on the stage and so Minhyun doesn't get a chance to lecture him further. The ranking announcements start and Daehwi feels his heart squeeze when Donghyun takes the mic for the 'I Know You Know' team who came in last. He can hear the smallest of shakes in his voice and it breaks his heart as he watches his friend speak with care and caution. Donghyun is talented and their team performance was as good as any of the others on the stage –

But at the same time Daehwi knows that this show is not a talent competition.

Produce101 is more about popularity and less about skill. Daehwi had just happened to luck out that the angle the editing team had chosen for him happened to be tied greatly back to his skill. No one could contest that he deserved a spot based solely on his talent.

Showtime is fourth. Jisung takes the mic and bows his head grateful to his team and their results. Samuel for once does not look unhappy. He actually looks relieved leaning over to envelope Little Woojin in a hug that is not reciprocated.

Then the rank they were all awaiting arrived.

Rank #3. Which is really a numeric way of saying Daniel, Jihoon and Jonghyun – who really triumphed over the other in the end? Who really was the #1 trainee to beat at the end of the day?

When Boa announces “Oh Little Girl”, Daehwi can’t help it, his jaw drops as he looks towards the announced team in shock- Minki is nodding his head like he accepts his ranking, Gunhee looks like he’s having trouble closing his mouth and Jihoon is expressionless as Jinyoung is looking to him for cues on how he should react.

That leaves them. Never and Open Up. Like their fates weren’t already ridiculously tied to each other. “Just look to the floor.” Minhyun ends up whispering to him as Daehwi nods following Minhyun’s instruction for now. This time it sounds like sound advice, he doesn't want to look greedy.

Seongwoo is the one who is asked to speak on their behalf – and he confirms they can take #1. It’s possible – Jonghyun is number 1 right now, after all. He is their beloved leader who had angel wings quite literally sprouting from his back.

And then there was Kang Daniel – the man could transform from literal boy who didn’t know how to tie his shoelaces into over powering man who could dominate the stage with a single swipe of his freaking thigh.

Daehwi had a feeling if he did that – it wouldn’t necessarily have the same reaction.

When BoA asks Dongho to answer Seongwoo's silent challenge - Daehwi looks up. He finds the smile on his lips comes automatically as he starts to laugh and clap along with the other trainees and Minhyun looks disappointedly at him. “What?! Dongho’s being funny! I’d laugh at this even if I wasn't - you know."

Before either Nu’est member can lecture him on the importance of good behaviour in front of the camera, rank #2 is revealed.

NEVER stares stupefied at the screen.

Seonho and Kenta both look respectively like their brains have blown out of their head.

The result is unmistakable.

NEVER is number 2.

Almost immediately, Daehwi sees Minhyun reach for Jonghyun’s hand and look to him. “Hey, listen this is unexpected but it’s okay." Jonghyun looks at him, but doesn’t say a word a small relenting and deafeated smile on his face. 

The mic is passed to Seonho who literally cannot keep still as he smiles all around the room. For him, it’s more than a victory on stage – it’s a victory that proves he isn’t just riding off his character – that he is worth keeping around for more than laughs. “I kept telling Dongho hyung that I wanted to be first and - Dongho hyung would say ‘Sometimes you can be first place, but it’s very difficult.’” Dongho bursts out laughing as he turns away from Seonho crashing his face into Haknyeon’s shoulder. “He’d always say it during our practices but still when I looked at the NEVER team I’d dream about it. When I saw that we were first place, it’s like my heart stopped beating.”

The mic is passed to Jonghyun who carefully measures out the smile on his face and thanks the members who moved out of Never and into Open Up.

Daehwi watches as Minhyun teases Dongho who only looks all the more embarrassed and growls at his best friend. Daehwi looks at him and tilts his head sideways when he sees Dongho's eyes turn to look at him. 

If this ranking isn't proof of Kang Dongho being just as talented as him, he doesn't know what is. He quickly mouths out, under Minhyun's watchful eye, _'Do you believe me now?'_

He desperately wants Dongho to know that he is good enough, that he is brilliant, that he is meant to stand on stage and shine and most of all - he needs Dongho to believe it because only if Dongho believes it, is there a real chance they'll end up together for the next year.  _  
_

At his unspoken words, Kang Dongho's cheeks flush bright red and he quickly looks away from Daehwi towards the stage where Boa has started discussing the individual rankings. 

How stubborn could one man be really?

Daehwi was just about to look back to the screen, irritated with him when he sees Dongho turn to look at him again, pausing just long enough for him to nod with one sentence flowing out of his lips in equal silence.

_'Yeah. I believe you now.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amount of edits this chapter went through - dear god. (Like at least 6 guys). It was actually incredibly hard to write.
> 
> GOOD NEWS - the next one was incredibly easy to write in comparison (because I got to go back to my hypothetical sandbox)
> 
> BUT at least I have a LOT of deleted scenes - like a lot - so far - here's my fav. because it features savage OOC Minhyun who is basically saving my life in every bbaekmin video XD (and that's why it's not included in the real chapter)
> 
> \--------------
> 
> "Honestly, you two." Minhyun grumbles from beside him and Daehwi finds himself laughing into his hands again as his name pops up on the screen. "You're going to give me an aneurysm Daehwi-"
> 
> "Sorry - I just wanted to say it."
> 
> "Say what?" Minhyun furrows his eyebrows.
> 
> "Dongho's good enough, all of you are really but he's never believed it. Not for one moment on this show did he think he should be up there. I can't prove it to him, you three can't prove it to him but this ranking?" He gestures towards the screen as both Minhyun and Jonghyun turn to look at him. Daehwi watches as the irritation in their expressions melt away to be replaced by something he can't quite place. "This is proof that he's good enough. This is proof he'll believe."
> 
> "Dear god -" Minhyun groans as he looks to Jonghyun. "Jonghyun, please make Daehwi stop talking or I swear to god-"
> 
> "Stop what?" Jonghyun whispers back quietly entirely too aware they're basically standing in between a minefield of cameras.
> 
> "I may actually approve of this ridiculousness they're idiotically participating in. Dongho was right, Daehwi is the devil - he can convince anyone to do anything." Daehwi snickers to himself as Minhyun groans. "This isn't funny, Lee Daehwi this is serious! You're totally messing with my best friend's life here!"
> 
> "Minhyun!" Jonghyun grumbles shoving him a little. "Image Minhyun - Image. Remember?"
> 
> Honestly how Hwang Minhyun hasn't burst into flames yet with how red he's gotten Daehwi doesn't know.


	16. Half Full and Overflowing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up - uhm - things do happen this chapter (nothing I'd consider drastically inappropriate tbh bc Daehwi is not of age and I'm basically the biggest prude of life - which will be a trend in this story )
> 
> BUT AGAIN - I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable - so if you're even the slightest bit disturbed by the idea of them making out - then my friend you have been warned and you are reading at your own risk
> 
> (god - basically spoiled the whole chapter for everyone lmfao just skip to the end now XD jkjkjkjk but like y'all knew this was coming with a date right?
> 
> okay okay I'm going to stop talking - )

“Daehwi! Lee Daehwi! Wake up!”

He's so not doing that.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t appear to have any say in the matter. Choi Minki is literally rough-handling his shoulders, shaking him awake. “God, I shouldn’t even be encouraging this- but I’d rather know what’s going on-”

Hearing Choi Minki basically talk to himself was not how Daehwi had envisioned waking up when he’d fallen asleep after the position evaluations.

When Minki takes to slapping his cheeks, being awake seems like an unavoidable future. “Sunbae, good morning to you too?”

“Don’t be ridiculous Daehwi – it’s barely past 12:30AM at night still – or well technically it is tomorrow – or today. This part of the day always confuses me. It’s 12:30AM. Get up!”

When he opens his eyes, he’s confused - Minki is looking at him like it makes perfect sense that they’re both here alone in his room.

After the show had ended earlier yesterday, Daehwi had spent the better part of an hour looking for Dongho – but the man had vanished into thin air. Daehwi couldn’t even bring himself to be upset because of course he’d lost him in the madness of the show. After all, the moment the recording had ended Dongho had been accosted by the staff, producers, and even BoA.

Sure, everyone knew there wasn’t a very big chance that Daniel wasn’t #1. Still to be able to contest and challenge the #1 trainee was an accomplishment in itself. 

So when he hadn’t found Dongho easily, he’d decided to go back to his empty NEVER dorm room. All of the older team members had gone out to celebrate, Woojin had gone to the hospital and Guanlin was suspect by nature - so Daehwi didn’t think too much about why he was the only one in the bedroom. In minutes, he’d fallen asleep. “Hey – don’t look at me. I’m not the one who is making me come in here and grab you. Take your grumpy ass to the bathroom and wipe your face –“

“Why do I want to wipe my face to meet someone who ditched me?”

He knows he’s being snarky when Minki looks at him with one perfectly raised eyebrow. “Lee Daehwi- you have every right to be upset but you are going to go wipe your face because you trust me when I say, my adorable little center boy, you want to wipe your face.”

Daehwi is sure he looks almost rudely annoyed with the older trainee but given that Minki is actually someone he half-way likes, he respects the guy’s wishes and trudges off towards the washroom to wash his face.

“What took him so long?” He’s dabbing his face with a towel mostly so he can hide it from Minki. He’s not certain if he still looks mildly irritated with Dongho and he can tell the Nu’est member in his bedroom wouldn’t quite appreciate that emotion.

“Daehwi- I’m just a messenger, here to ensure your safe transport out of this building - but please – keep me out of the complications of this 'thing'.” Daehwi coughs uncomfortably into his towel. Choi Minki was really way too perceptive. “Also, I don’t think you’ll want to ask Dongho anything when you finally see him – least of all that.” Daehwi feels his heart lodge in his throat as he pulls his wallet, keys and phone together nodding weakly. “You know he doesn’t do shit like this for anyone right?” He doesn’t actually because he has no idea what Dongho is doing. He’s kind of blind to that aspect of his life. There's an entire universe of a Kang Dongho that he doesn't really know that Choi Minki and the rest of Nu'est do. “Please be careful. You guys – I mean-”

Honestly, were all of Nu’est having mini heart attacks because of him? At this point, he wouldn’t even be surprised to find Kwak Aron on his doorstep one day in a pool of his own tears. “Dongho hasn’t done shit all yet for you all to worry about us being ‘careful’- so can all of you please just relax?”

“Of course Dongho isn’t doing anything – he’s smarter than that. You’re not – you do everything for him – and you will get in trouble.” Minki’s expression makes his heart falter. It feels remarkably like he’s being scolded by a parent. “Look – just – all we’re asking is that you’re careful, where a kid like you got the balls to pull this off I’ll never know but – if Dongho’s happy then it’s fine with me. Weird as it is. Anything that makes him happy is okay with me.” As if he was trying to make up for the general harshness of his words, Minki ruffles his hair and points towards the door.

Once they're out - Minki is stealthy in a way Daehwi had never seen before. He expertly avoids the camera spots, other trainees and then they’re standing in the creepy yellow light of the parking lot with the wind whipping through their hair. “Okay, so is this where I get kidnapped?”

“Please – you’re ranked #8, maintain your ego.” Daehwi snickers and Minki turns to look at him for a second before cracking up himself. “Let me just –“ Minki steps out looking around him for something that he can’t quite place.“Ah ha! There-“

“There?” He’s still confused until he looks at where Minki is pointing.

“ _There_ is Dongho’s car. The really regular looking one – but it’s pretty pimped out on the inside.” Minki admits with a proud smile on his face. Minki is talking a lot about something related to their hiatus and how he wanted purple leather seats - but Daehwi can’t really absorb any of it.

He has to be dreaming right?

No way – Dongho actually went home to the Nu’est dorms to get his car? “Uh - am I dreaming?”

He pinches himself and from beside him Minki rolls his eyes at Daehwi’s overreaction. “Nope – Lee Daehwi, look at you! You are officially a celebrity going on a car date! Really – it’s the tackiest of celebrity dates. In a black sedan, no less. It’s only ever really trumped by the _‘I was visting her naked in the hospital date’_. God bless Eunhyuk for that one.” Minki looks like he wants to throw up. “You know what - I just realized - you really are Cinderella and I really am your fairy god mother.”

Daehwi bursts out laughing as he remembers the day that Minki is talking about. “This is too surreal - you even brought me to my pumpkin carriage and the Prince is inside?” Minki snickers softly covering his mouth with his hands with the shame to look embarassed. “You should go into fortune-telling."

"If this doesn't work out - I will." Minki's smile is hurt. Daehwi knows why - even with being center - his rank didn't improve. "You know- this piece of shit literally spent all day on KaTalk asking me what you’d like best. ‘Oh Minki-ya, what’s Daehwi’s fav. Food?’ ‘Minki-ya, what’s Daehwi’s favourite colour?’, ‘Minki-ya – do you think Daehwi would like to go to the park one day?’ Like FUCK if I’d know.” Daehwi feels his stomach drop to his feet, a nervous laugh worming it's way out of his mouth as his face stretches into a smile so wide - it's on Choi Minki's face too. “So are we going to keep talking about your date here - or are you going to actually go have it?”

Now that he thought about it, he was happy Minki made him wash his face. “Thanks Minki hyung.” He grins brightly, throwing his arms around Choi Minki leaving him no time to complain against the endearment thrown to his name.  Daehwi didn't do hyungs and Minki didn't do sons - but something about Choi Minki told him that Daehwi could trust him to look out for him. When Daehwi moves away to bound off - he barely catches Minki's shell-shocked expression.

His feet hammer against the pavement quickly as he races to the sedan - he wants to get in the car as quickly as possible so he pulls on the door roughly effectively scaring Dongho inside as he jumps in action putting his phone away to unlock the door. 

As soon as Daehwi's safely inside the car, he smells the distinct aroma of something familiar but he doesn't get a chance to place the scent - Dongho has immediately launched into a rambling apology. “Sorry, I took too long right? I couldn’t find you so I asked Minki to come get you from the room because Jonghyun didn’t want me going to your bedroom. Before that - getting away from everyone was a bit difficult, the car had to be hidden -”

He sits there frowning - mostly to entertain Dongho's perception that he was already upset with him when in all honestly, Daehwi was over the moon that Dongho had cared enough to put so much thought into something as simple as them hanging out after the recording. 

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t have a bit of fun with Dongho right? “God - Kang Dongho - you take too long for everything, do you know how I felt –“

“I’m so sorry. I’m honestly so sorry. I never wanted to make you feel like I was going to stand you up.” He bows his head so deeply that Daehwi can’t even look him in the face.

Daehwi feels his lips curl inwards as he struggles to hold back a giggle. He almost feels guilty for thinking of using the older man’s emotions against him.

Plus, arrogant as he was – the thought that Dongho was actually even capable of standing him up hadn’t even crossed his mind.

So he stretches his hands and arms out towards Dongho's and pulls on his fingers, palms brushing Dongho's knuckles in a movement that's comfortable and hypnotic so he can calm the man down. “Hey – it’s not that bad.” Dongho looks up at him, shaking his head, still under the belief that it was that bad. “I’m so used to waiting for you to get your shit together. By this point it’s like – really, what’s a few hours more?” That joke gets him an unamused expression from Dongho before he’s giggling to himself. Daehwi gestures weakly to the car. “This is why you were late right..?”

“Well this and –“ Dongho breaks off to lean backwards towards the car with a grunt. He turns back to the front seat and in his hands is a –

Well – at least Daehwi is certain now. Dongho is definitely his soulmate.

“You bought us McDonalds?” He’s literally squeaking but he can’t even bring himself to care.

Dongho beams proudly, relieved that he’s managed to do something right tonight. “Hey man – I told you I’m broke and Aron thought it would be a good idea.” Daehwi nods excitedly, barely grasping the fact that Dongho in his perfectly coiffed ‘Open Up’ hair and loose white shirt is the one actually holding the bag of food. 

Daehwi lunges at the bag immediately. It had been too god damn long since Rhymer had told him to stop eating at McDonalds.

Thankfully, fearful for his life probably, Dongho gives up the bag with little resistance only able to stare in awe as Daehwi folds a set of five fries into his mouth at once. “Dubewhaturdoing?” Honestly, Daehwi's just thankful he’s not choking while eating but it's so good he has to pace himself - there's only so many fries and technically there's two of them.

He quickly chews and swallows the rest of his mouthful as he picks up a fry and holds it in front of Dongho’s eyes. “Here, take a fry if you’re going to just stare hungrily like that-” Dongho doesn’t move forward to eat, choosing to lean back in his chair in the opposing direction with a mischevious smile on his face as Daehwi smiles to himself and leans forward with the fry, closer to bridging their gap.  

Dongho shifts further till his back is against the window and Daehwi’s half-tempted to just let himself fall into Dongho's lap but they’re still technically in the studio parking lot. “Dongho - what are you trying to do?”

“Nothing.” Dongho flushes as he ducks his face into his hands but Daehwi catches the way he smiles to himself. Regardless of the fact they’d spent a lot of time alone together - and even outside of the building together - this whole setting felt remarkably more intimate. The car offered them a secluded, free opportunity that Daehwi hadn’t really thought he’d be getting today. “How stupid is it that looking at you eat makes me happy?”

Okay, how is he not supposed to blow up an entire world with his cheeks when Dongho says something like that? He opens his mouth like a fish, always wide open but never really able to piece his thoughts together.

He can’t respond to that. How can he respond to that with any words other than _‘PLEASE BE MY BOYFRIEND FOREVER AND I SWEAR I’LL SPEND ALL MY TIME EATING IN FRONT OF YOU.’_

Somehow that feels a little desperate a claim to make – even for Daehwi.

“Well – don’t just do that…go drive somewhere.” Daehwi takes the opportunity to shove a fry into his own mouth as he pushes himself back into his seat looking out of the window.  “The dorm parking lot is not the place we should be, eating fries together in the car.”

“Why not? I can say you’re the real scary trainee that wants to blackmail me into feeding you all the time. Tteokbokki, fries- “

“Honestly I think I’d suit the jungle music way more than you anyways.” Daehwi feels himself startle as the car starts and the engine rumbles almost noisily and Dongho snickers at his reaction.

He’ll be fine – it’s fine – it’s not like it’s a bike or anything.

Still, he quickly buckles himself in. Dongho only laughs at him louder. “Yah – you scared?”

“Well – I’ve never seen you drive before. And isn’t this car a little too – loud-?”

“It’s a muscle car.” Of course, Kang Dongho would own a car with an engine that sounded like it wanted to eat children. “Where do you want to go Lee Daehwi-ssi?” Dongho asks him pretending to kindly be his driver.

“Somewhere where I don’t have to be worried if I put a fry into your mouth-“

“You could do that now –“

“Yeah I could – but someone might catch us and it looks really affectionate right?” He responds easily shoving another two quickly in his own mouth. “Plus, do you really need the fries? You’re so gorgeous as is – just like – stay hungry and pretty. Let me do all the eating.”

“Okay, fine – let’s get one thing straight. I may be a plagiarizer- but you’re actually so petty with food, Daehwi.”

“I am.” Daehwi agrees, an arrogant smirk gracing his face. For all his worrying about Dongho’s driving, – this guy was driving at 20 kilometers an hour “Also, you’re such a bad driver – you’re too slow. LOOK That guy literally just overtook your ass, grandma.”

Immediately, Dongho looks offended. “Excuse me! That was incredibly rude. I’m driving carefully because I have Produce 101’s darling center boy’s life in my hands. He looked physically scared in this vehicle all of two minutes ago-”

“Yeah – that’s before he knew that he was basically driving with an 80 year old man. Where’s your cane, sir?” Dongho snickers despite the fact his character and driving reputation is being completely annihilated by Daehwi. “Also, people need to stop calling me that. I haven’t been center once since that main stage.”

“Fine fine – I’ll go faster.” Dongho pushes on the accelerator as they get on the highway and Daehwi feels himself relax when he pushes a fry towards the man who keeps his eyes glued on the road but magically manages to maneuvre his mouth to the fry. He's not  _ **THAT**  _ petty.

“Hey, which burgers did you get?” Daehwi could check the bag himself, but that would involve looking away from Dongho’s face under the hazy mix of city and moon light – something he’s not particulary motivated to do.

“I got one Big Mac and one McChicken - so we could share them both?”

What was this sorcery? “Do you sit inside of my head? I can never decide if I want beef or chicken?”

“Me neither! But I can only eat one. I usually end up choosing-“

“Beef.” Daehwi completes his sentence as Dongho laughs.

“I guess you’re sitting inside of my head too.”

When the car comes to a stop - they’re about 20 minutes away from the studio and on the edge of a cliff over looking the city. “I picked this place because it’d be kind of hard to film anything here.” Dongho ends up murmuring softly as Daehwi sighs pulling the windows down so they could let fresh air into the car. “Hey, when do you want to go back?”

“God, you just drove all the way here and you already want to drive back?” Daehwi saw Dongho frown at his joke. “We haven’t even finished our burgers.” Dongho only looks more flustered if anything.

“That’s not what I meant, Daehwi.” Dongho groans. “I want to spend more time with you, but I want to be careful and we haven’t really- decided what we’re doing here – Daehwi – are you listening to me?”

He’s not really, he’s giggling to himself playing with the robotic power seat so that he can lie down flat like he’s already in bed staring at the ceiling of the car. “Relax. Problem resolved. We can just sleep out here under the stars together and talk all night! Sleep over in Dongho’s car!”

“Daehwi – I know you’re young – but when people sleep in their cars – people call them hobos.”

“There’s a sunroof right?” Dongho nods as he sits up quickly to play with the controls at the front of the car till the roof of the car slides open, a soft breeze working its way into the car. “Wow power seats, sun roof, date under the stars with McDonalds – big spender Dongho-ssi strikes again.” Dongho bursts out laughing as he shakes his head. “Now, lie down and we can sleep talk about whatever you want.” Dongho acquiesces to his request, pushing his chair down while silently ignoring his stupid Nu'est song reference.

 When Daehwi turns his head to look at him he feels his heart stop in his chest. The moment is almost perfect – it’s absurdly silent in the car, Dongho’s right in front of him – there’s literally no one else in at least a 10 kilometer radius- “It’s a gift from my dad – the car I mean.”

He’s not sure if Dongho can read his mind and wants to change the subject or if he honestly just wants to tell him about his fancy car more. Regardless, the moment is gone and Daehwi may as well entertain him. “Do you use it often?”

“Often enough. It helps when I want to get out of the city. Usually, it’s just sitting in a garage though.” Dongho looks like he’s anxiously ready to blurt something out. “We still haven’t talked about anything Daehwi.”

“So - let’s talk now. I can start. I have a question – what are you supposed to be to me?”

Dongho turns to look at him with an incredulous expression. “That’s literally the only thing I wanted to talk about today –“

“Good! That won’t take very long and we can spend the rest of our time sleeping together.” Dongho bursts out coughing immediately and despite the fact that it wasn’t at all his intention Daehwi feels himself laugh blatantly at the older man even though his own face starts feeling hot at the prospect of his words.“God Dongho- please breathe. I didn’t actually mean ‘sleep’ together – or like you know sleep together – I meant-”

“I know what you meant.” Dongho interrupts him quickly almost fearful of what the younger boy would say if he was allowed to keep talking. “Daehwi, your head is so one-track.”

“MY HEAD is one track? I’m not the one who burst out coughing at the thought of sleeping with someone in this car.” Dongho manages to catch his breath through the laughs – but not for long. “Also, there’s plenty of tracks in my mind -  don’t worry – you won’t get bored.” He laughs as he pops a fry into Dongho’s open mouth. “GOD - don’t look so shocked.”

“How am I not supposed to? I have to be – you’re just –“ Dongho bursts out laughing between chews of more offered fries.

“I’m so-“ Daehwi looks at him pointedly waiting for him to finish his sentence, another fry safely deposited into the cavernously large mouth of Kang Dongho.

For a man with such a small face, Dongho had remarkably large beautiful lips. “Forward. Confident. Fearless?”

“What’s the point of being the opposite of those things? Never helps anyone.” This is easy, this is relaxing – but it’s still vague and as happy as Daehwi is, he does want to know how to refer to Dongho because the temptation to say he’s something he hasn’t yet agreed to is too easy to fall prey to. “Listen, I don’t want to force you to put a label on us when we’re obviously going through something that’s more important than anything else- I don’t want you to be pressured by me.”

Dongho looks at him carefully, the smile slipping off his mouth as he measures his words carefully. “Are you pressured by me? I told you this wasn’t going to be easy – nothing about this easy-“

Despite the fact that they haven’t really started anything – Daehwi feels himself sigh rubbing his head. “So what – then? Are we just – stopping?”

Dongho doesn’t respond.

Honestly at this point, Daehwi isn’t even shocked by him. It’s his pattern. Dongho never responds to questions Daehwi really needs answers to but Daehwi’ s also not interested in feeding Dongho this answer like he's feeding him fries. He turns his face into the seat barely able to restrain himself from letting out a small groan of irritation.

He’s just about to start yelling at him again when he feels Dongho’s fingers worming their way through his hair. Daehwi lifts his face from the seat to see the older man shake his head. “Hey, if I actually wanted that – would we be here right now?”

Well, if Dongho isn’t going to make the first move after saying that – Daehwi doesn’t mind. He slides closer to his face watching as Dongho freezes reflexively. “We are going to stop." Dongho looks scared until Daehwi leans just a bit too close to his face. "We're going to stop talking." 

Dongho’s hands are still entrenched in Daehwi’s hair as the younger man peers at him wordlessly, moving with all the grace of a dancer until he’s found his way over that cursed gear shift between them. For a sedan, the car is remarkably roomy once the seats are down and Daehwi manages to quite literally lie on top of him as Dongho looks up at him with a smirk. “Yeah?”

Daehwi’s eyes are barely hooded closed as he presses his face closer to Dongho's, his words leaving whispers of promises between them. “Yeah.”

When their lips connect, Daehwi brings his hands over Dongho’s cheeks, they're prickly and soft all at once, representative of the man under him. He feels himself smile into their kiss when Dongho’s mouth edges open the slightest bit for his, just past the edge of giving in –

He feels Dongho gasp when Daehwi uses his bite to pull Dongho's mouth into his lips more insistently. He can hear his own breathing grow the slightest bit more ragged as Dongho’s hands come to his shoulders, hesitant as they always are.

Sure - Dongho is the one who had planned this date, got the car and drove them out here. He’s always the one doing- things. He’s the one testing Daehwi, sending him signals and then running away as if he’d never meant for Daehwi to know in the first place. As if he never expected Daehwi to notice.

How would that be possible when all Daehwi notices these days is him?

So it doesn’t feel all that weird to Daehwi that now he's the one who’s going to be driving this part of their relationship forward.

He honestly doesn’t even mind and he’s just about to use his fingers to grip on Dongho's shirt when Dongho catches him completely off-guard.

In a move of surprising calculated measurement, Daehwi finds himself turned over so his back is against the driver's seat instead of Dongho's. The older man pushes their mouths together in a way that lightens Daehwi's heart to know he's not alone.

This time - Dongho has kept his hands underneath Daehwi’s body, fingers and calloused skin running under Daehwi’s cotton pajama shirt making shivers run up his spine. The sensation accompanied with their shallow breaths makes Daehwi’s heart feel like it’s going to fail from sheer exhaustion. He has to hold himself back from reaching for his boyfriend’s shirt and ripping it wide open.

Daehwi's good at self-control, after all he'd gone through weeks of holding himself back from Kang Dongho in the first place.

Yes - he's good at self-control, he's amazing at it - he's not going to make this go too fast or last too short - he wants to be careful - he does -

He's remarkably good at self-control but - when he feels Dongho’s nails dig the slightest bit into the edge of his hips - he loses it.

Holy fucking shit.

That one action had his brain on auto-pilot, he doesn’t care anymore – they're basically all alone and it’s not like this chance is going to come again so Daehwi uses his fingers to tickle his way up Dongho’s neck, never releasing the grip he holds on the older man’s mouth despite the older man's protests and snickers for air. Who needs oxygen? What a useless element it was when he could basically live off this guy for the rest of his life.

Daehwi does manage to get his hands into Dongho's hair and just when he’s about to pull -

“Ow!” Daehwi bursts out laughing as he puts his hands on Dongho’s irate shoulders as the older man stares down at him frowning as he rubbed his scalp. “It’s not that funny- that really hurt.”

“I’m sorry – it is though. I mean – from 60 to 0.” Daehwi leans up to peck his lips softly in the only apology he’s able to really truly offer through his continuing laughs. “I should have remembered that you didn’t shower after the show – I’m sorry, the product probably made the yanking harder. I’ll remember you don’t like it –“

“It’s not that I didn’t like it –“ Dongho corrects him almost too quickly and Daehwi raises one singular eyebrow. If he looks closer, Dongho’s eyes are hazed over, his normally pale skin a pretty tone of pink from head to neck that makes Daehwi wonder if Dongho feels as messy as he looks. “You’re surprisingly strong- that’s all.”

“I know – I’m a man of many talents.”

“Clearly.” Dongho ends up pecking him quickly on the lips too. For better or, in Daehwi’s opinion, worse – Dongho moves off him and into Daehwi's old seat on the passenger side of the vehicle. Daehwi feels his heart scream at him for breaking apart what was probably the best kiss he’d had in recent memory. If he felt like this just kissing the guy - “Daehwi- are you okay?”

“Huh?” He echoes back as Dongho waves at his face trying to get his attention. Well, Dongho did have his attention already – just you know 5 minutes ago and could anyone blame Daehwi for wanting to relish in the memory of the last five minutes? No, you could not. “Oh yeah – you know. Fine. I’m great. You’re just really good at that - so I’m going to maybe need a second to get my breath back-”

“At-?“

Daehwi turns a flat expression to his overly arrogant partner in Produce101 crime. “So - are you just blatantly fishing for compliments now?”

“If you’re handing them out-I’m definitely taking them?” Dongho looks at him with this beautiful bright eyed, wide toothed grin on his still rosy face. Daehwi’s not entirely sure if he wants to smack him or kiss him silly so he settles for laughing until Dongho joins in. “So since we’re back to talking now – I should let you know - I’m not really a casual kind of guy-“

Wow. What a surprise that was. Except not really. “God – I know you’ve dated like one guy?”

“Hey, I never told you how many girls I’ve dated!” Dongho catches his mouth as Daehwi snickers laughing to himself nodding.

“Okay – how many girls?”

“I mean like two – one in like kindergarten and then one of the trainees in the company for a really stupid short period of time till we decided it’s better off to not.” Daehwi winks at him. “What was that for?”

“And here I was thinking the reason you’re such a loser at this is because you had no experience – but – turns out you’re just too awkward for your own good regardless of gender – “

“I don’t know if I’m so awkward – I think I’m good at some things?” This time it’s Daehwi’s turn to awkwardly cough and blush as he rubs his neck like he doesn’t know what on earth Dongho’s talking about.

“Fine – so we’ve established you’ve dated people. I’ve dated people – and who we’ve dated doesn’t really matter – so just I mean – what are we doing? Are we dating – I mean it’s okay with me – I just don’t want you to feel like I’m pushing you into anything.”

“A little late for that, no?” Despite the fact that it’s entirely true, Daehwi feels himself frown and almost immediately Dongho launches into a weird sort of apology for the phrase. “Daehwi – look - I’m very thankful for that. Even if you’re the one who made – this – happen, that doesn’t mean I didn’t agree with it, that I didn’t want it – I don’t want you to think that okay? I’m responsible here just as much as you are. We’re in this together – whatever you want this to be. Making sure you’re comfortable with whatever this is and whatever you want it to be – that’s what I want okay - you're not pushing me.” When he’s saying things like that to him how is Daehwi supposed to keep himself from having a heart attack. “I can’t always say things easily but you make it easier because you say it all for me.”

“Just admit it – I’m basically perfect.”

“I’ve never thought otherwise.” He feels his heart quicken when Dongho presses an entirely too affectionate kiss to his forehead, until all Daehwi can do is dumbly stare at his smile. “I don’t want to use the word ‘boyfriend’ because it sounds so juvenile-“

There it was. His one and only opening. “You know what? Like I’m actually REALLY okay with that word, please use that word. I give you full permission to tell anyone you want about the fact that I am that word – because I want you to be that word. You’re – that word to me. Already. In my head. I literally refer to you like this and then yell at myself because you aren’t – not yet – right? But you are now right? Because apparently I make all the decisions because I'm your number one priority in life?” Daehwi watches Dongho bite his lips to keep himself from smiling more. “Too excited?”

“A little?” Dongho admits holding his fingers up and bringing them close together. “It’s cute though.”

He feels himself rub the back of his head as he looks up at his newly named boyfriend. “So –“

“So - fine.” Dongho agrees with no resistance despite the fact that it's a juvenile, cheesy name to assign to someone he feels so much more for. Daehwi feels himself smile. “Well – don’t say it all the time – like outside –“

“But inside?”

“Inside, between us, it’s fine.”

Daehwi feels his eyes look away from Dongho’s face because he literally cannot look at him. He’s sure he’ll say something ridiculous and Dongho already has too much ammunition against him. So he’ll look at the stars instead, and the fact that the moon is pretty much half-full and tonight - Daehwi’s heart feels like it’s overflowing. “Boyfriend.”

“Wow – you said it in English.”

“Namja chingu always sounds so literal in Korean.”

“It’s literal in English too.” Dongho points out and Daehwi turns around to stick his tongue out at him. “Also, the burgers are probably very cold by now.”

Daehwi doesn’t care. This date is already more than he could have ever imagined.

So between their words, the cold burgers, perfect fries and his boyfriend’s beautiful face he lunges forward to press his hands on Dongho’s face and kiss him again sighing happily into his mouth. “Namja chingu.”

When he parts from him to look at his boyfriend, he sees Dongho’s eyes flicker with barely held amusement. “God – Daehwi you talk a lot-“

“It’s what you like about me.”

“It is – “ Dongho agreed. “But we’re going to have to find a way to get you to talk less.”

“I guarantee that there’s something you were working on that looked like it was going to work. I mean- if you want to try it again – this time- you know – successfully?” Dongho’s expression grows confused as he looks away from him and Daehwi practically hears himself sigh out his next words. “Please?”

Dongho's cackles at this are so loud, Daehwi’s no longer confused as to why Dongho and Kim Jaehwan get along so well.

Thankfully, his request is fulfilled in seconds when between his irritation and Dongho's cackles - their lips find each other’s again, softer, gentler, careful – Daehwi doesn’t let himself think anymore.

Well, except this time he remembers to keep his hands out of Dongho’s hair.

\--------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly you guys should not even be surprised by the amount of fluff/kissing in the chapters anymore - put me in a scene with just Daehwi x Dongho and I'll freaking type out 10000 words with no pauses I swear to freaking god.
> 
> ALSO - Alt chap title: McDonalds - An Aphrodisiac (tbh)
> 
> omg also I forgot to add this T.T (this is what I get for updating so late at night)
> 
> There's an FFawards happening for the WannaOne fandom organized by members of the WannaOne fandom (and includes P101/Nu'est too I think as a result of their fandoms basically being crossovers of each other for the most part). Which I think is super cool and very fun :) the full details are on wannaoneffawards.tumblr.com if you guys want to check it out, they're in the nomination stage rn (I'm excited for it and definitely nominating a few of my favs :D)
> 
> ALSO ALSO ALSO - GET READY FOR ALL YO WIGS TO BE SNATCHED ON THE 10TH BC MY BOYS NU'EST COMING BACK (also in November we'll all get collectively hyped for W1's return and pray that Nu'est is still promoting so we can get a Donghwi moment IRL again okay?)
> 
> Also - I love all of you (I'm that asshole author who makes her notes just as long as her chapters lol)


	17. Pigs Can Fly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UNEDITEDDDD (okay that's not true - but usually the standard rounds of editing is 3 and this has only been through 2 so if my immigrant Englis shows I apologize in advanceeee - it's 3AM I will edit this again later :D)

“I still think you would have looked super good with a perm-”

“Shut the hell up Donghyun.” Regardless of the harsh tone in his words, Daehwi folds his head into Donghyun’s shoulders as they look collectively up at the screen. The producers had just started playing the 2x dances kicking off with the ‘ _I know you know’_ team. “Wow hyung – you didn’t even try did you?” Donghyun turns to look at him with a soured expression. “What?!”

Daehwi was obviously teasing him, on-screen Donghyun looks like he’s been dancing to the song since he came out of the womb. “Daehwi, you’re becoming such a little shit stirrer-”

At that, he smirks proudly before winking at Donghyun who almost looks flustered. “I learned from the best, hyung.”

Donghyun turns to look at Youngmin in complete confusion. “WOW – what does he want from me? Daehwi called me hyung twice? This is freaky- he almost never bothers with honorifics.”

This attempt to engage their leader in conversation falls flat. Youngmin’s eyes smile a bit but his mouth doesn’t as he stays focused on the screen.

Woojin leans over. “Guys - I think Youngmin hyung’s sad.”

Daehwi wants to laugh at the ridiculously obvious observation Woojin has made but considering the mood is somber enough in the BNM team today because one or two of them may truly be at risk – he doesn’t. “Woojin - I think he can hear you.”

“Well - I think you both should just shut up and watch the videos.” Donghyun pets their heads like he’s taking care of yapping puppies instead of teenage boys. “Youngmin-ah, it’ll be fine.” He pulls his arms over Youngmin’s shoulders, almost tensing when the older man jumps in his hold. Daehwi watches as Youngmin turns to him and while he doesn’t look up at Donghyun he does shake his head so slightly it’s barely perceptible. Donghyun squeezes his shoulders. “We already signed the artist contract – you know no matter what it’s going to be fine.”

Youngmin’s eyes almost desperately hold to Donghyun’s, the feeling only more apparent in his voice as he pushes his head in his hands, speaking shakily. “Donghyun-ah, they can’t honestly believe – “

“Hey, hey, hey.” A lilt lies in his voice as Donghyun ducks downwards so Youngmin can’t hide his face from his. It’s the softest warning he can offer so that Youngmin doesn’t say something that will get him into trouble on camera. “Look here, it doesn’t matter. You know what matters? What we know. And we,” Donghyun gestures to the four of them, a soft comforting smile on his face. “We all know. It doesn’t change anything. It just makes the dream a bit harder, makes you a lot stronger, and sure – maybe it’ll take a bit longer but it’ll never change anything, okay?” When the corners of Youngmin’s lips finally turn up, Daehwi releases a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “I know, you know.”

“That was a really bad joke.” Youngmin finally cracks a small smile towards his boyfriend. Daehwi watches as Donghyun laces their fingers together and lets out a shaky breath of his own.

Daehwi had to distract them. Both of them. He didn’t want them thinking of Youngmin’s scandal, and he sure as hell didn’t want Donghyun worrying over his rank.

Time to attack the person he always inevitably made the butt of all his jokes.

He turns to Woojin sticking a finger down his throat. “Ew. They’re so worried - they’re holding hands – lame. I need one person who isn’t completely lame in this group other than me. Oh -  no wait you literally stress yourself out to the point of getting sick. So you’re lame too.” Woojin turns to him, squinting with his eye patch looking either like he was in pain or he’d like to cause Daehwi some pain. “I guess I’m the only normal person in Brand New Music.”

Woojin scoffs, disbelief dripping from his lips. “Normal, my ass. You’re the best one from all of us –“

“I know. I’m amazing. I’m the best. Naega- jeil-jal-naga!” Daehwi blows a kiss at him blinking coquettishly so his lengthened eyelashes fan out.

“At being a drama queen. You’re the best at being a drama queen. Geez Daehwi – let a guy finish his sentence.” Woojin’s rolling his eyes and Daehwi’s just about to tell him off when he hears the tell-tale muffled laughter of Kang Dongho in front of him.

Right – his boyfriend.

Wow.

He had one of those now.

He’s powerless to stop the cheeky grin on his face as he pushes his chin into his hands, scanning the four Pledis trainees sitting in front of them. The idols look incredibly put together as they always do. Dongho is relatively silent but only because his hands are covering his mouth as he looks down at the ground shoulders shaking with barely restrained laughter.

Daehwi had never thought he’d be one of those fools – but he was. He felt foolishly happy, satisfied and over the moon – and all it took was a glimpse at Dongho’s teeth poking through his lips teasingly. Just watching him laugh felt like a reminder of what Daehwi had only had a glimpse of once in a car, a forever ago.

He’s only momentarily distracted from his new favourite Dongho expression when Woojin leans over him to reach for Youngmin’s hands. “Hyung, don’t worry so much. You have Open Up – that’s got to count for something.”

 _‘I know you know’_ ends and the blaringly loud band intro of Showtime announces itself in the theater of Produce101 trainees.

Even at 2x the speed, Samuel’s practically winged feet fly over the shiny stage proving his status as a born and bred dancer. At the sound of the trainees cheers, his sometimes asshole, all-the-time show-off best friend bows, blowing kisses at all of them. “SAMFANS! I’M SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS OUT IN THE LOBBY!”

“For who? 6 year olds?” Jisung’s sarcastic remark makes Samuel blush and wink at the older hyung who jokingly rolls his eyes before he claps energetically at Samuel’s next close-up shot. “Hyung, loves you Samuel-ah! Sign ju-se-yo!” Jisung makes a move to jokingly lift his shirt up so Samuel could sign his stomach as the group bursts out laughing.

“Samuel loves you back Hyung! Story time tonight?!”

“For sure! I’ll come tuck you in tonight! Anything for my Samuel!” Jisung pets Samuel’s head lovingly as both Daniel and Seongwoo turn to each other with oddly jealous expressions.

“When did Jisung officially start just mothering people?” Seongwoo snarks as Jisung turns to him with a flat expression on his face. “What? It’s true! Dude they’re teenagers – they can take care of themselves! They don’t need you mothering them ALL the god damn time Jisung.”

Jisung looks at him, unimpressed as he folds his arms over his chest. “Excuse me Ong Seongwoo – who wakes you up in the morning?”

“What do you mean? You called me just this morning to remind me to get ready on time so I didn’t have to run with a bag. You literally gave me the idea for my entrance.” Seongwoo frowns unsure of what Jisung was trying to say.

“Right. And Ong Seongwoo - who gets food for you and Daniel at the cafeteria when you want seconds and you don’t want to get up because you’re just that lazy?”

“You do?” This response has a hesitant pause attached to it like now Ong Seongwoo understands where Jisung is taking this.

“RIGHT – and Ong-ssi please remind everyone here – on that fateful day after Get Ugly when you woke up and went to the washroom and hurt your -“ At this statement the sparkle in Youngmin’s eyes returns with full force. The entire Brand New team grins brightly at each other secretly cackling away at Seongwoo’s traumatized expression while the rest of the audience hollers loudly.

Even Dongho turns around and winks straight at the leader of the BNM team. Youngmin snickers as he places a finger to his lips and Dongho nods along agreeably, silently accepting that their involvement will remain a secret.

Seongwoo pretends to whisper away from Jisung, to Daniel, it doesn’t really work considering the two are sitting right beside each other. “I think Jisung’s a bit sensitive about his mothering-“

“Whatever dude – you started it.” Daniel snickers at Seongwoo’s crestfallen expression. “I love Momma Jisung.” Daniel’s big overgrown body lies on Jisung’s shoulders as Jisung pats his hair and Daniel coos in his lap much to the awe of Seongwoo who had never in his life seen such a well behaved Daniel.

The next song comes up and immediately the audience shrieks loudly, Daehwi included. In fact he’s probably the loudest trainee.

It’s Open Up.

Dongho turns to look at him with an embarassed expression on his face as Daehwi bites his lips, feigning a sexy expression as Dongho colours red and snickers at him. Dongho shakes his head and Daehwi feels himself stop pretending, laughing into the palm of his hands.

Dongho’s about to turn away from him but Daehwi opens his mouth quickly. It’s been a solid week since he last saw him. He can’t just let Dongho turn away without saying something – anything. “Dongho - you’re so embarrassing – look at how you dance. If you weren’t so good looking - I’d be worried about your future.”

“Excuse me?! I’m embarrassing?! ME?!” Daehwi bursts out laughing at his entirely too offended expression.

“Daehwi’s right. You kind of- do - suck at dancing?” Jonghyun ends up snickering silently, as Daehwi gives him a low handed high five.

Dongho huffs jokingly turning back to the screen when Sewoon’s voice breaks out in laughs. “Oh my god, Dongho hyung’s having a mental breakdown.”

“I honestly can’t do something this fast!” He defends himself as Sewoon nods along mostly to pacify their Punch King. From beside him, Haknyeon snickers at everyone teasing his trainer and that’s when Dongho laughs along before saying something in Jeju dialect so quickly it makes Haknyeon burst out laughing even harder.

Daehwi looks between them confused. “Yeah I can’t understand it either.” Minki explains as he looks at Daehwi who shrugs and makes a move to look like he hadn’t really been trying to understand it. Damn, Choi Minki really was remarkably perceptive.

The screen switches to Seonho hopping on his feet and the cat calls of pride start immediately from all the trainees for one of their youngest. “Seonho looks like he’s going to faint-“ Seongwoo snickers.

“Yah – Yoo Seonho you look cool.” Guanlin’s distinctively deep voice calls out and Daehwi feels his ears perk up as he turns to look at the CUBE Chicks who are seated beside each other. He catches the way Seonho turns to look at Guanlin, gulping back a small knot in his throat.

“I was really tired.” Seonho ends up mumbling. “We stayed up for so long-“

“Hey man – it worked. You look good.” Guanlin repeats dumbly. Seonho averts his face quickly to look down at the floor instead of back at his friend. Daehwi can’t help but smile when he sees that Guanlin’s expressionless face spreads into a thin wide smile as he follows Seonho’s lead and looks down at the floor too.

“How did they not run you over?” Donghyun mutters into Youngmin’s ear as their leader snickers to himself pushing his boyfriend’s shoulder lightly.

“They didn’t run me over but Haknyeon tripped and almost pushed me onto the bed at the back-“

“Who does this kid think he is? Tackling someone else’s leader to a bed?” Daehwi let out a snort. That was one camera friendly word for it. “Yo, let me know if I need to fight someone man – I’ll do it.” Donghyun mumbled, protectively grouching his expression as he ran his fingers over the back of Youngmin’s head visibly calming their leader down even further.

Daehwi tapped both of them on the shoulder and shook his head. “You two sickening souls. I seriously cannot – someone throw me out of this studio- please stop – you’re so- much.”

Apparently Dongho hadn’t been the only one overhearing their conversation, in front of him a sing songing voice calls out softly towards their group. “Says the kid who spends all his time making eyes at a certain -“

Daehwi almost shrieks but manages to keep his voice in a very strongly whispered tone. “Choi Minki, YOU PROMISED -“

“Fine fine – promise shromise. God – kid is so annoying he remembers everything.” Jonghyun quickly leans over to painfully pinch Minki in the shoulder, which is an action Minki doesn’t appreciate at all but one that leaves Daehwi feeling relatively reassured. He’d like to imagine that Jonghyun cared about him too – but he knew that was probably an incorrect assessment. Jonghyun cared about one thing and one thing only – cameras.  “You know what – one day I’m going to learn how you do that and do it to your ass.”

“Go ahead and try.” Jonghyun smiles back at Choi Minki with the same angelic smile he always has.

Minhyun snickers between them as he places a hand kindly on either one of their arms. “Please – we’re almost at the dorms. If you could put your real selves away for 30 minutes more- then you can fight in the bedroom.”

“When did Minhyun become our image police? Wasn’t he the worst at this?” Dongho snickers to himself behind his hands.

“Baekho-ssi that’s always been you – you don’t know how to handle an image because you’re a piece of-“ Minhyun never gets to finish his sentence because Open Up ends on the smiling and adorable face of his boyfriend and Daehwi feels himself sigh happily.

Dongho turns to look at him with an embrassed expression again. “What?! It was a good happy performance that ended just the way I wanted it to.” Daehwi rolls his lips into his mouth so he can keep himself from laughing at his boyfriend’s careful expression.

“You’re so –“

“I’m so-“ Daehwi snickers as he sees Dongho laugh and shake his head.

“You’re so you.”

“I am – and you’re exactly what I wanted. So, even if you dance stupid the performance was perfect because it was you.” Daehwi hopes he’s soft enough that the mics won’t pick his words up. He sees Youngmin from the corner of his eye look to Donghyun with furrowed eyebrows asking for an explanation Donghyun isn’t able to give him. Woojin barely notices. The Pledis boys make almost a point of ignoring him but Dongho’s gaze softens and he looks like he’s about to say something to him when a Jinyoung’s loud voice interrupts them.

“Hot damn!” Daehwi turns to look at Jinyoung who is hollering loudly. “OH LITTLE GIRL!”

This is not the Bae Jinyoung he knows and he’s laughing so hard he feels his sides splitting. “BAE JINYOUNG DO YOU WANT TO SCARE THE WORLD? WHAT WAS THAT?!”

“OH MY GOD!” Samuel is literally being hit over the head by all of the other trainees.  “What? I NEED CUTS TOO GUYS. Jihoon quickly wink at me.” The expression on Jihoon’s face clearly communicates he will not be winking for Samuel. “You’re so stingy.”

Jihoon shrugs, keeping his expression carefully amused. “You’re so tacky.”

“OH MY G-“ He gets hit again. “HE JUST CALLED ME TACKY! KU KU KA KA CALLED ME TACKY?”

“Excuse me! He’s not wrong!” Daehwi cackles from across the studio. “Samuel, you are tacky.” Jisung lunges for Samuel who jokingly raises his hand against Daehwi who’s laughing so hard he almost falls off his chair. “They’re going to retake this whole cut aren’t they?” He ends up asking Donghyun who is ruffling his hair.

“Probably, you young ones are too noisy.” Donghyun grins ecstatic. “They’ll probably tell us to shut up a lot more in the next cut.”

“Wow – look at how you guys are dancing with power.”  Jonghyun looks at Minki proudly as the Nu’est maknae flushes, happy that his leader has praised him.

“So much energy.” Minhyun agrees as he looks at Dongho and they burst out laughing. “Yah – Minki – be more like this when we’re promoting!”

“It’s cause he doesn’t have to try as hard normally – he thinks he’s the best looking from all of us.” Dongho flicks Minki’s shoulder who looks remarkably offended as he rubs his arm and Jonghyun laughs behind his hand.

“Excuse me- I only think that because it’s 100% true.”

“Minki hyung looks so cool!” Hyeongsub’s call out is timed well as  Daehwi watches Minki still and raise his hands towards Hyeongsub and then look at Nu’est like it was living proof of the fact he was the visual in Nu’est.

Daehwi pats him on the shoulder. “Minki hyung, for a newbie at center - you did a pretty good job.”

“I swear – Daehwi – “Minki looks at him seriously before he bursts out laughing and ruffles his hair.  “Thank you for your approval – I guess getting it from the center is better than nothing.”

“My god Nu’est’s center is acknowledging me?” He waves his head brightly blinking happily. “I can die happy now!”

“Yeah?” Minki looks at him teasingly as he turns around to face him completely. “Who’s your favourite Nu’est member, Daehwi?”

“Duh-“ Jonghyun immediately turns around to look at him almost pleading that he’s careful with his words. “Aron.” At this, Dongho immediately drops his head between his legs shaking with laughs. “Don’t laugh so hard – I’m like 100% serious. Aron hyung is so funny. He’s smart. He’s from LA. We’re basically soulmates.” Okay, so he definitely added on that last part to make the rest of Nu’est laugh and his mission has proved successful. They all snicker looking at each other.

“You’re soul mates? With Aron?” Dongho looks at him pointedly, one magnificently shaped eyebrow raised as Daehwi feels his body lean over Donghyun to bridge their gap closer until he’s only a few inches away from his boyfriend’s face.

Dongho’s eyes slide down from his eyes to his nose to his lips. Butterflies multiply quickly in his stomach, anticipating something that won’t actually happen. Daehwi watches proudly when the smallest of gulps makes its way past Dongho’s throat. “Think you guys can take me to meet him? I want to see where you come from. Where you live.”

“Daehwi – we’re talking later.” Jonghyun appears to have given up on him as he grumbles leaning in his chair. “Honestly,” He ends up mumbling. “All three of you come along too.”

Dongho turns back to the screen like a kid who’d just been scolded, a barely perceptible blush working its way past his cheeks.

What Jonghyun, Donghyun, Youngmin or Daehwi aren’t expecting is how the pirated Woojin beside them has decided that he feels left out of this conversation. “Hyung, can I come too?” Jonghyun literally jumps in the air.

“WHAT?” He squeals much to Minhyun’s happiness. Inciting a reaction like that from Jonghyun, on camera, was near impossible. Daehwi sputters back spit as he tries to stop himself from laughing too harshly at Jonghyun’s shell shocked expression. Woojin continues to nod along excitedly.

“I like Aron hyung’s rapping style too – it’d be nice to talk to him. Can I come too? I can get pointers on rapping in English - ”

Daehwi throws an arm over Woojin’s shoulders as he looks back at the four Pledis trainees who are staring at him, blinking like Daehwi’s ran miles in circles around them and now they’re all dizzy enough to fall over. “Yeah guys, come on Woojin had shingles – this is the least you can do for the Shingles kid. Invite all of BNM over we’ll behave I swear.”

 “Honestly the balls on this kid. Every fucking day he gives me a heart attack.” Minhyun does look frazzled.

Youngmin pats him on the back lightly. “Don’t worry – I think Daehwi’s a walking hazard for everyone not just you Minhyun but it would be nice to meet Aron-sunbae.”

He winks at Dongho who’s still blushing to himself and remaining decidedly silent.

Just like that – Daehwi has earned himself a second date.

Okay so his group members are coming along – and technically all of Nu’est will be there.

But at least he’ll get to see Dongho’s world a little closer.

As he looks at him now, Dongho is silent, stoic, looking up at the stage with an expression that was meant to be inscrutable to most - but Daehwi is starting to be able to read him. It’s something he’s becoming proud of especially when he knows it’s hard for so many others.

Right now, Dongho is worried. He’s looking at the top 11 like it’s a mountain to climb, and technically they all have already made it more than half way. After this – there’s only the top but only a few of them would make it through today. “Everything okay?” Daehwi overhears Minhyun mumble to him and Dongho nods.

“It’s really far from us isn’t it?”

“Gets closer every day Dongho. Gets closer every day.” Jonghyun mutters as he wraps an arm over his shoulders. “I want you all to know- I’m proud of all of you.”

Minki leans his head on Minhyun’s shoulders as he nods along softly. “Doesn’t it seem like it was just yesterday when princess turned sexy bandit back there walked in here looking like a murderer – and now look at him. Look at us!”

Almost automatically, all of the Pledis trainees pull their hands together at Minki’s words, silenly acknowledging that they did make the right decision by choosing to come on Produce101.

And that’s better than anything else Daehwi could ask for today.

Both of them are here. Both of them are likely safe and he hopes Dongho is as happy as he is.

Nothing could go wrong.

Right?

 

 

“National Producers, please take care of us.” Daniel booms out from the top of the pyramid.

Daehwi bows mechanically as the tears burn in his eyes. He scrunches his face together as he looks down at the trainees below him.

Youngmin looks like he’s ready to bound off the stage and embrace Donghyun’s crumbling frame as soon as ‘CUT’ is called. Both Seonho and Guanlin look visibly bothered. The sound of Yongguk’s tears still echo softly in Daehwi’s own ears, like a prophecy coming for him at the precipice of success.

He’s not in the worst spot – he’s #10. It’s nothing to cry or write home about – but last elimination Yongguk had been #19 – and with a cut off that was just shy of his rank today, he was gone.

Just like that.

This was too cruel – even for MNet. To change the placement spots with no warning or preparation – to make a show out of the final spot ranking.

Yes, the reason right now the sobs in his throat are choking on themselves is because of the unfair treatment of his fellow trainees.

It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s dropped 6 rankings and almost out of the top 11 dream set. It has nothing to do with the fact that Dongho’s sitting just one step away from 11, at a rank that fires in his chest like a gun shot promising that their future is not certain and never will be.

This is the reality check Daehwi needs to get his head back in the game. “CUT!”

All of Brand New manage to race down, but Youngmin gets to him first, quickly bringing his arms over Donghyun’s neck. Donghyun pushes his head into Youngmin’s shoulders to muffle the sobs he’s released with no control over his emotions. From behind them, Sewoon emerges to envelope him. “Donghyun-ah, it’s okay-”

“Of course it’s okay.” Donghyun growls never lifting his head from Youngmin’s blazer as Sewoon laughs behind him. “What the hell are you laughing at Ponyo?”

Sewoon holds his tongue between his teeth as he pats Donghyun’s hair softly, helping calm Donghyun’s shaky breaths. “At you, this is only one path. One future.”

“Yeah – and what you’re going to sign me to your imaginary company then?” Donghyun curses as he lifts his eyes. “I’m fine. I’m fine. This is fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” Woojin responds. “Literally right before that you were making sarcastic remarks at Sewoon who’s just trying to make you feel better because you’re crying.” Donghyun looks at him angrily, despite the tears in his eyes really making the threat non-existent. “I’m just stating the facts!”

When Donghyun starts to snarl, Daehwi pulls his friend fearfully. “There’s times for Woojin and then there’s time for quiet Woojin – this is one of those times.” Daehwi lunges forward at Donghyun without warning, interrupting his hug with Sewoon and Youngmin. “Donghyun hyung -  it’s honestly not that bad. I mean, it’ll be fine. We’re here for a reason – even if we don’t make it. We’ll do well. That’s the point. We’re amazing. The world knows it. I know it. It’s going to be okay. Even if we get-”

“Don’t say that crap – all three of you have to work hard.” He looks pointedly at Youngmin who keeps his gaze focused on the floor. “Don’t slack off and make me angry that one of you is sitting up there instead of me.”

“You’re not angry now?” Youngmin’s question is asked softly. By all measures, to him, he shouldn’t have moved up – and without the benefit from Open Up, all of them would be saying good bye to Youngmin today as well.

“Of course, I’m not angry. I want all of you to succeed. Well, Sewoon hyung I’m not so sure about –“ A quick flick to the head by the aforementioned Sewoon makes Donghyun smile for the first time through his glassy eyes and Daehwi feels his heart calm.

Until a loud bang resounds in the studio jolting every single trainee in the building.

When Daehwi turns around to look for the souce of the noise – it’s entirely too obvious. A circle has almost formed around them.

Guanlin is on the floor, his head between his knees as Seonho stands there looking at Guanlin with an unreadable expression on his face and hand flexing like he’d just-

“YAH – YOO SEONHO. Are you crazy?!” Minhyun booms so loudly, Daehwi feels himself trip backwards. He’d never seen Minhyun angry and what he saw today was probably the closest it would get to it. Minhyun’s tall, prince-ly figure became overboding as he ran to place himself between the two CUBE trainees. Guanlin keeps his gaze fixed on the floor unresponsive to Seonho and Minhyun, the latter of which was poking the younger in his shoulders trying to incite a response from the huffing teenager. “HEY – Answer me. What the hell was that Seonho?!” Jonghyun’s eyes widen from afar as he approaches and lays a hand on Minhyun’s shoulders, but whether it’s to ask him to remove himself from the situation or to assure him – even Daehwi can’t tell.

“Hyung, don’t touch me.” Seonho’s voice is dark and low as Minhyun looks like he wants to pull Seonho aside and deliver a stern lecture that would involve a fair amount of profanity. “This guy thinks he can come tell me that he’s okay being eliminated? After seeing Yongguk cry?!” How ironic is it that it’s Seonho who looks like he’s going to cry? “Are you fucking joking Guanlin?!” Guanlin doesn’t look up and all of the trainees around them gasp as the staff gulp looking at each other, unsure of what to do. Sure, trainees have fought before - but never like this.

Minhyun quickly clamps a hand over Seonho’s mouth without hesitation as he pulls him away from Guanlin. “Yoo Seonho – you’re in a better position than Guanlin right now so try and understand his feelings- why the hell would you push him over like that? Apologize to him right now.” The last part is a threat, a demand – and one that Seonho doesn’t look like he wants to take.

Instead, Seonho looks at Guanlin and shakes his head one last time before he gruffly removes Minhyun’s hands from his mouth and leaves the studio.

Daehwi sees the way Guanlin’s eyes look up as Seonho turns his back on him and walks out of the studio. Guanlin even makes a move to follow, but Jonghyun’s hands come up to hold him on his chest.

Despite the fact that this shouldn’t matter to him, it does. He can’t help but remember Guanlin’s softened eyes in the vocal room – and seeing him hurt like this is irritating him now. How much more of a brat can Yoo Seonho be? How can he kick someone who is already down? “Donghyun hyung – “

“Go go – figure out whatever the hell that was you big nosy brat- text me what it’s about after. You know I love the tea.”

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say any of that because you’re still my favourite.” Daehwi pauses to press one quick last hug to his smiling labelmate who ruffles his hair before Daehwi rushes off to find Seonho.

He’s not surprised to find him in the washroom. It’s the only place in the studio with any privacy.

He is, however, surprised to find Seonho’s hand is bleeding. Unable to process a greeting that makes sense, Daehwi just stares at the blood in shock before he looks up at Seonho. “What the hell?”

“Hi to you too –“

“What –“ Daehwi points towards his hands as Seonho sighs shrugging.

“I punched the wall and split open the skin on my knuckles-“

“Yoo Seonho – you’re not a drama hero.” Seonho looks ready to argue this statement. “Okay, now is not the time for jokes – let’s go get you treated. That middle cut looks pretty nasty.” Seonho just shakes his head stubbornly as he blinks back tears in the mirror. “What the hell – are you crying-?”

“I’M NOT CRYING!” Seonho wails and pushes his eyes into his palm. “Fuck, I’m not crying – that’s ridiculous.”

Daehwi feels his heart melt a little for him. Seonho is lost, confused – but Daehwi can’t help him. He can’t help Guanlin either – he doesn’t even know what the problem is. “Hey, what’s the deal with you and Guanlin anyways? Guanlin won’t say a word – but he keeps sighing and you’re in here basically punching yourself?”

Seonho turns to look at him carefully before he pulls back the sniffles.

For a solid five seconds, the atmosphere in the washroom is completely silent before he clears his throat. “Guanlin hyung shoved his tongue down my throat in a closet after Spring Day.”

Immediately, Daehwi starts coughing at the very awkward description.

Leave it to Seonho to make things freaking weird. “Okay –“

“He just grabbed me and kissed me and said he’d overcome his fear. I didn’t like it. That’s messed up. Who does that? He freaking passed his fear onto me-” He didn’t ask for more details! Why was he getting more details?!

Suddenly, he held a lot of respect for Kim Samuel. Really, Daehwi was horrible at this. He was way better at dealing with this stuff.

“That’s great. Thank you for sharing. I like that you know the concept of consent even though it looks like I need to talk to Guanlin about how that’s socially inappropriate-” Daehwi feels himself look around the washroom reflexively. “Hey uh - do you mind – like being more careful with what you say?”

“Why? You’re in love with Dongho hyung right?” Daehwi wants to pull his hair out. He asked him to be careful. Not spill all of his own secrets out in public.

Daehwi felt himself flush at the thought of that word in conjunction with Dongho’s name.

It fit well, really well, too well, but it was rash and rushed and he wished Seonho hadn’t planted the thought in his brain. “No – “

“Daehwi, who are you fooling?” Apparently, no one. “See now - I have dirt on you so if you tell anyone about the dirt you have on me. I can spill shit.” Right, Seonho was a piece of vindictive trash. He has to try to convince him otherwise.

“Seonho, I do not love Dongho.” Seonho looks at him pointedly and another five seconds of silence follow until Daehwi lets out a sigh. “What Seonho-?”

“Pigs can fly.”

“WHAT?” Seonho was definitely better at giving people heart attacks. Way better than Daehwi was.

Seonho takes another irritating long breath as he washes his hands again though to what reason, Daehwi couldn’t tell you. “Lie all you want. You can love Dongho hyung or pigs can fly. That’s how much I don’t care about your love life, hyung. Though, for what it’s worth, I don’t think Dongho hyung would hate it if you shoved your tongue down his  –“

“That’s quite enough detail. Thank you.” Daehwi coughed into his hands, feeling heat build in his cheeks along with the exact imagery of what Seonho was trying to describe. To be fair, now that he had real life experience – the imagery was that much better. He could map out Dongho’s hands on his, their lips seeking each other’s desperately, the soft words of affection whispered between kisses –

But hell, if he’d tell Seonho the truth about what the exact definition of his relationship with Dongho was. He hadn’t even told Samuel yet. He wanted to tell him first. Plus, with Seonho’s heightened state of emotional wreck and prior betrayal of information – he’d rather not partake in sharing his deep dark secret of a relationship with the 15 year old.

Sure age wasn’t really a factor,  given he was only a year older than Seonho – but like – he’s obviously ten times more mature than Yoo Seonho already. So what if they watched One Piece together sometimes? Jonghyun hyung joined them so that obviously wasn’t a measure of maturity. “So you didn’t like Guanlin kissing you, decided to blow up at him in the studio and come in here to punch your hand bloody?”

As if making a point, Seonho shakes off blood stained water droplets on said hand. “Yup. And what are you going to do about it?” He said it like Daehwi was trying to start a fight with him, which he most decidedly was not trying to do.

“Nothing. I don’t care about your love life either.” Daehwi watches Seonho nod accordingly as he makes a move to leave the washroom. “I hope you know you’re really stupid.”

“Why?”

“I mean – Guanlin has been beside himself literally scared of you.” Seonho looks at him like he can’t be serious. “I’m not kidding. He’s scared of you. You’ve been mean-spirited, cruel, a down right  pain in the freaking ass- and you’re teasing him now?”

Seonho pauses his steps to leave as he disagrees vehemently. “When did I tease him?!”

“Well – from the start of the show you were hanging off him, god knows what you did before the show. You’re the one who kept asking him to not leave you behind – and you’re the one who tried to reconnect with him after you left for Open Up and you guys fought-”

“So -?” Seonho was obviously an idiot. How could he not see the point here?

“So can you blame Lai Guanlin for having feelings for you? Actually, yeah you can – I don’t know why someone would like you.” Seonho looks like he wants to punch him. Thankfully, Seonho is also actually not that type of kid – at least normally. “Like – what are you against homosexuality or something?”

At this, Seonho has the shame to look down at his feet as he quietly responds “No. Of course not, I don’t care who loves who. It’s all the same crap.”

“Then - what? Why are you reacting so negatively?”

“Because he’s ruining EVERYTHING.” Seonho grumbles, leaning against the wall. “I don’t think of him that way, I haven’t thought of anyone that way – I don’t even know what thinking that way feels like.” Daehwi catches just the edge of vulnerability in Seonho’s words and he feels almost sorry that he yelled at him.  “I just want things to be the way they were – we’re best friends, Daehwi.” There’s a tone of desperation in his voice. Seonho wants to go back to an easy relationship – but Daehwi can’t help but think that’s not fair to Guanlin. “Guanlin is doing better than me here on the show - so yeah I kind of hate him for it. I hate him for ruining everything I wanted from this show for both of us. I hate him for confusing me with whatever he’s trying to confuse me with. How can he be so selfish? How am I supposed to ignore the way he feels when he shuts down around me because I don’t like him? How am I supposed to hurt him Daehwi? How do I make him hate me just enough for hurting him that I don’t lose him? Is there such a thing?”

Daehwi feels his eyebrows lurch into his forehead.

For some reason, this felt like déjà vu. Sure it wasn’t him in Seonho’s position – and sure – he was in Samuel’s shoes this time. “I don’t know – but I don’t think hurting yourself is a good way to start. I think it’s making things worse – and I don’t think you should be yelling at him either. He’s probably just as confused as you because of the way you’re reacting. You’re fighting at lunch tables, then you’re calling him for help in the training rooms, you’re asking the staff if it’s true that he’s lost his rankings and then you’re pushing him on the floor when he’s at his lowest point?”

“This way is better. At least I’m not pretending to dance around his feelings.” Seonho sighs. “Daehwi – don’t bother. You won’t get it. You’re not in the same situation – and honestly I shouldn’t have told you any of this.”

“Yeah. You probably shouldn’t have. You should have told Guanlin-“

“How the hell do I tell Guanlin any of this shit – were you not listening to me?”

“You said you didn’t want to pretend but you’re obviously pretending.” Seonho looks like he wants to fight back so Daehwi bursts out quickly. “I mean you want things to be the way they were but you’re acting out and trying to make him hate you- but like that’s still pretending because it’s not like you hated each other before. Be honest – won’t that be better for both of you? Just tell him, you don’t like him that way.”

Seonho laughs, but it’s mean as he shakes his head coming over to Daehwi to use his height in an intimidating way almost too successfully like he’d learned from Minhyun’s approach. “Daehwi, have you ever had to tell someone you don’t like them that way?”

“Uh no – “

“Then stop talking.” Seonho scoffs finally leaving the washroom as Daehwi looks into the mirror taking a deep breath.

And he’d thought his situation with Dongho was complicated.

They were child’s play compared to the CUBE relationship - and whoever ended up in the final stage with either of them was going to be in for a messy affair. 

Well - maybe it wouldn't be that bad. As long as they didn't end up in the final stage together, he was sure the teams would work out fine. 

Honestly - what were the chances anyways that Lai Guanlin and Yoo Seonho would end up in the final stage together? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by the 2x recording + Seonho/Guanlin context that was missing in a lot of the other chapters. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading my lovelies, I hope you found the chapter satisfying :D
> 
> PSA: Nu'est released Where You At! The more you stream the harder Lillith writes! (jkjkjk)
> 
> ALSO PSA. I will be releasing Dongho's POV shortly after I end this story :) so LI won't go away entirely.


	18. Fashionista, I Look Good With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *enters nervously* uh - hi new update :D *sozfortakingsolongbutIstruggleduntiltonightwhentheBBTinspirationhitguys*
> 
> also please note - this has only been revised like 2 times - so if there's typos/my shitty grammar is showing please flag them to me :D

“Reunited and it feels so good!”

“No – it doesn’t – I never asked to work with you again. Ever. You’re not even THAT  good a vocalist- the only thing saving your ass in this show is your dancing-” Daehwi snarks, easily lying to his best friend’s face. Normally, he's not that mean to Samuel but right now - said best friend’s face happens to be the most irritating thing in a 5 kilometer radius. “YA - Arredondo - will you PLEASE stop that?”

“OH OH – ARREDONDO? LEE-SSI? Someone feeling a little worried? A little-uh- SHALL WE SAY - uncomfortable? A-little-over-exposed-emotionally?” Honestly did he have to talk like he’s Peter Griffin from Family Guy, he really didn’t. His stupid eyebrows are still wiggling away impressively, making waves on his tiny  face. “Yo – yo – WAIT I just thought of the best song ever. We should adlib and include it in Super Hot.”

Daehwi pauses his bitching to cross his arms over his chest and look at Samuel pointedly. If it's about the performance, he'll tolerate Samuel's STUPID teasing. “Yes?”

“D and D – sitting in a treeeeee – TRYING to get the D –" Oh dear god, he tries his best to cover Samuel's mouth but his best friend starts running backwards away from him. "Trying to K-I-” 

“M!” Daehwi’s tempted to use his legs to kick Samuel. They are, however, going to be on the same stage together, dancing, in less than 2 weeks – so it’d probably be best he didn’t do that. Samuel would almost certainly be the one choreographing most of the team's routine. “K-I-M. Kim. Like - Kim Samuel - shut the fuck up or I WILL MESS YOU UP.”

Unluckily, nothing about Daehwi is actually threatening so this vaguely disguised threat accomplishes nothing. “Swearing now? WOW - angel boy Daehwi gave up on his image already?" Samuel winks at him. “You should be thanking me! I could have moved him you know – I had the chance-“ Daehwi feels his cheeks warm at Samuel's barely whispered words. “But, I thought you needed a little luck in your love life after being separated in the concept stage- plus now you won't come crying to my room - hopefully - but we'll probably room together - so I'll have to hear you whine anyways -” Samuel continues on his endless rant so Daehwi turns to look at the man they're talking about with a dreamy smile floating onto his face.

He appreciates the thought but he doesn’t really need Samuel’s luck after all –

Dongho's his boyfriend now. Even saying it in his mind never really gets old.

Maybe it’s because Dongho’s an escape from the competition, Dongho’s a way that Daehwi can unplug and let himself wander away into a fantasy land. Dongho should, by all means, be unattainable, unachievable and unavailable –  but he’s not.

Dongho’s right there, always two steps away from being his at any moment of the day. It's an indulgence that's hard for him to refrain from. Even now.

Daehwi’d call that pretty fucking lucky.

“What are you two talking about?” Guanlin asks softly, making both of the other American boys jump in the air.

Daehwi and Samuel quickly exchange looks that wordlessly confirm they’re not going to share the current topic of discussion with Guanlin. “Guanlin-ah, are you going to be okay?” Daehwi looks pointedly towards the back where another CUBE chick is whiling the time away playing chopsticks with Youngmin, laughing wildly like the immature 16 year old he is.

Daehwi’s not sure who he feels worse for, Guanlin for liking someone who doesn’t understand the concept of caring for someone in that way or Seonho for losing his one pillar of strength at a time when he needs him the most.

“We’ll be fine.” Even as Guanlin shrugs the answer, he doesn’t sound like he believes it.

They’re forced to halt the conversation when Jonghyun places his arms over Samuel’s shoulders, pulling all three of them towards the empty space in the middle of the room. “Guys, let’s sit down and flesh out the details of the song and review the lyrics and parts. I want to do a dry-run before lunch and then break off into solo practice until the choreo's complete.”

On the one hand - there’s a spot free beside Dongho but -

On the other hand, Daehwi’s been doing his best to avoid spending too much time at Dongho’s side.

Daehwi doesn’t want to irritate him, or come off clingy.

So he purposefully shifts to the side, only letting his eyes follow Dongho’s laughing face when Sungwoon says something particularly funny.

They’re probably complaining about how they were completely snaked away from Hands on Me. Although, in Sungwoon’s case, Daehwi actually sees it as a positive thing.

After all, accidentally bagging the main vocal role for Super Hot was no small feat. If Daehwi’d known no one wanted it – he’d have gone after it himself instead of playing safe with Vocal #5 but at least he’d get to rap and sing at the same time in a vocal range he knows he's comfortable with.

Unlike Sungwoon however, Daehwi isn’t really sure if this song is for Dongho.

Dongho’s present image and Super Hot’s bubbly image have little common ground. His boyfriend has essentially built a narrative on this show that gets women to vote for him by throwing their bras at T.V. screens.

Still, the fact remains that they’re together on a stage again. In all fairness, that’s all he should care about – but at the same time Daehwi feels himself worry. 

Dongho's essentially singing a song about glorified ice-cream pick-up lines.

Thoroughly distracted by staring at the song and his boyfriend intermittently, Daehwi has been unable to stop Kim Samuel on his life-long mission of embarrassing the shit out of him.

The ex-Pledis trainee takes the seat right beside Dongho quickly turning to his best friend to wink at him in a way that's so obviously cheesy that even Jonghyun looks irritated with Samuel.

Honestly at this point, Daehwi's not even sure he wants to tell Samuel he's dating Dongho, mostly because he’s curious, what other crap can his disaster of a best friend come up with to embarrass him? “In Super Hot, everyone wanted to be here right?” Daehwi speaks up turning to look at Seonho who nods gingerly before Daehwi turns to the other side of the room.

His boyfriend keeps his eyes focused on the paper despite being entirely aware that Daehwi’s actually talking directly to him. “I actually quite like this song – but I have no confidence in singing Sub Vocal 2, though.”

Daehwi wants to laugh. If anyone should have confidence singing anything here it’s Dongho and Sungwoon. 

Guanlin releases a wide gummy grin and thankfully voices what’s running through Daehwi’s head in a slightly more appropriate way. “I can’t believe that hyung – just try the words once.”

“Yeah, hyung – we can make you sound cute!” Samuel smirks at him with his tongue between his teeth, forcing Dongho to laugh uncomfortably before he turns to the paper with a bemused expression.

“Okay – fine. You guys will see what I’m talking about then – I really don’t work with this part.” Dongho clears his throat and Daehwi leans forward to listen closer, vaguely aware of Seonho leaning on him too. “’Wow – Megaton bomb.’” All of them crack up in silent giggles as Dongho looks around. “Ya – all of you stop laughing! This is not helping inspire confidence that I can do this-“

“You’ll be fine.” Jonghyun pats Dongho’s head over the cap almost too roughly as Dongho looks up at him from the floor and growls but nods along in agreement anyways.

“It felt like a bomb dropped, hyung. I’m blown away.” Dongho passes along the pat over the head as Samuel turns to Daehwi and smirks again.

Daehwi turns away to look at Seonho who is also smirking at him.

He hates his friends. He hates that all the annoying ones are in Super Hot. Where's Jinyoung when you need him? Jinyoung's irritating, sure, but at least he isn’t irritating ALL the time.

The same cannot be said for Kim Samuel and Yoo Seonho. (Guanlin's tolerable but Daehwi has a feeling that's because he's just not talking as much).

“But, is there anyone who wants to be Centre for this song?” At the sound of Sungwoon’s words, Daehwi glances around the room. The familiar hands are all up there, reaching to the air like it holds the promise of a spot in the top 11.

Oddly, today Dongho has chosen to keep his hand down as Daehwi’s own has gone in the air. Selfishly, he’s actually happy about it. He doesn’t want to think about the fact that he’s technically head over heels for his competition.

No longer worried about Dongho, Daehwi turns to look between Seonho and Guanlin. Today, neither of them have volunteered themselves for center, choosing to keep to the background for this performance.

The conversation quickly dissolves into how the center will be selected – but before they can continue talking a stage hand interrupts them. “Dongho-ssi, Ahn PD would like to speak to you – “

Daehwi’s head turns so quickly he’s almost afraid he’s snapped his neck. When it turns back to Dongho, he’s not surprised to find this is the only time that Dongho’s looking straight at him. He gives him a small nod before he places a smile on his face and follows the junior staff member out of the practice room. 

Daehwi blinks quickly as he looks around the group.

Minki and Jonghyun almost painfully keep their gazes fixed on sheets of paper in front of them.

Daehwi’s been called in by Ahn PD before and it was just to ask him about Dongho. It can't be that bad - Daehwi had ended up walking away with a relay camera.

He opens his mouth – but to say what, he’s not entirely sure. Thankfully, before the words he’s not sure of can find their way out of his mouth, Seonho’s fingers clench over his wrist tightly. “Don’t.” Seonho mouths silently so the mics won’t catch his words. Daehwi frowns noticeably and though Seonho doesn’t look directly at him, he doesn’t let go of his hand.

So Daehwi keeps his lips glued shut, only able to stare after his boyfriend’s wide shoulders disappearing past their practice room.

Once he's gone, Jonghyun jumps into action stepping up from the floor to speak to the camera man.  “Can we adjust the setting a bit?” The camera man nods. “Hyeongsub-ah, can you move to the middle?”

Hyeongsub pouts. “Uh- sure hyung?“ He sounds confused, good, Daehwi's confused too.

“It’ll cover the fact Dongho’s missing in the shot.” Hyeongsub quickly shifts over to the aforementioned spot. “Minki shift over closer to me. Samuel, come closer to me. Seonho and Guanlin sit beside each other please and Daehwi go sit on the end. Your hair sticks out so the colour will be off if you move to the center.” Daehwi squints at the Nu’est leader. He’s not sure that’s why he’s being moved all the way to the end of the shot but he’ll take it with his mouth quiet for now. “That’s good – okay – thank you.” He bows towards the cameraman.

In seconds, all of them launch back into their discussion – and it’s like Dongho was never there. Daehwi finds the lack of his presence in the room almost eerily understandable and he feels his lips turn downwards when he’s not laughing or smiling for the camera.

They joke around easily – all of them perform the center part with a decent amount of conviction. Daehwi almost feels his heart at rest as he laughs at Jonghyun’s strained voice and Samuel’s almost squeaky attempt at the high note.

Dongho comes back and Jonghyun quickly goes to the camera before re-arranging all of them in their original shot positions.

Daehwi’s eyes dash over to Dongho who keeps his gaze expressionless, focused on smiling a smile that seems so practiced and forced Daehwi’s shocked - he’s never seen Dongho act before.

They’re still shooting so Daehwi has work to do. He’s here to sing Super Hot and to create a stage that he’ll be proud of standing on with everyone else.

And yet – he can’t deny that all he wants to do is to pull the guy aside and make sure everything is okay.  He’s sure he’s making a big deal out of nothing – but he also greedily wants to be assured that he is making a big deal out of nothing.

Eventually, the atmosphere in the room lightens and Dongho’s laugh thankfully begins to not sound as forced -  still he never approaches Daehwi.

Not that it’s odd - Daehwi stays close to Samuel. He can sense that Dongho needs space, distance and a fair amount of secrecy on what they have. So,  if this is how it has to be when they're on the same team, this is how it'll be.

“Yo man - I can’t do this choreography thing on my own entirely –“ Samuel grumbles.

“Sure you can-“ Daehwi smiles at him encouragingly patting him on the shoulder. “Kim Samuel - you’re basically the best all-rounder in the show.”

Samuel laughs, but it’s a bitter sort of sound. “Don’t you think that’s Daniel? Guy can sing, dance, rap, or you - because I don’t compose- but yo – your rapping is shit - “ Daehwi grins proudly, embracing the only slightly younger boy. “Ew, please get off me, twerp. I said your rap is shit -”

“No – you get hugs. Shut up and take them. Also, you know I’m like older than you. Don't call me twerp just cause I wear in-soles that are freakishly high - Jinyoung's are higher and I still respect him.” He lets himself relax his head on Samuel’s shoulders. It’s not really because he’s thankful for the half-assed compliment. It’s more because he’s feeling nervous and scared and he doesn’t know why the hell Dongho was pulled into Ahn PD’s office for all of ten minutes.

He can’t let it show and Samuel is a good cover.

When he stays clung to Samuel’s shoulders a moment too long, Samuel drops his voice to a whisper. “Hey - you okay?”

Daehwi looks up at him and shrugs as he slowly removes himself. “Hey - you okay?”

Samuel snickers, clearing his throat into a fist. “If you’re not going to say anything, then go help break up the CUBE set before Seonho starts another fist fight.”

Daehwi snorts. When he looks around to find the pair, he's pleasantly surprised to find that Guanlin has managed to move closer to Seonho who has not beaten him up today!

Could this be called progress? Daehwi doubts it. Is this guy a sucker for pain? Samuel's right - he should probably go save the CUBE boys from themselves.

He moves towards them, promptly taking the spot in between. When they don't turn to look at him or consequently each other he sighs and pulls out the headphones in each of their ears. “Hi guys!”

Both Seonho and Guanlin make the same move to put their headphones back into their ears but thankfully Daehwi is playful enough to loop the wires he’s pulled over his own neck so that it’s an automatic tangle of a struggle to pull away from him. “So – I know you’re both super untalented chick trainees BUT what do you guys say to helping Samuel come up with steps?”  Both Guanlin and Seonho look at him like he’s asked them for their first born. “No?”

“It’s fine - if he’s not coming.” Seonho ends up murmuring only pointing his chin towards Guanlin to indicate that he is indeed the ‘he’ that was mentioned.

Guanlin’s eyes take the hit like a slap across the face, turning down to the floor in shame. “Sure, whatever. It’s fine if Seonho wants it that way. You guys work on it together – I’ll just – move.” In seconds, he’s run across the room to where Minki and Hyeongsub are - about as far away from Seonho as he can get.

Daehwi lets out a sigh as he turns to Seonho. “Why’d you have to say that?”

“What was I supposed to say? I want to be with him? That's a lie. You're the one who said I'm teasing him. You're the one who said it's better to just tell him what I'm feeling honestly, right?” Seonho mumbles towards the floor with a sigh on his lips that sounds like he already regrets what he’s said. "Why is that wrong too?"

“At this point, are you just used to hurting him?” Seonho looks upset that Daehwi’s made this assumption that all Seonho is trying to do is hurt Guanlin. Honestly, Daehwi still doesn’t really understand in what universe treating Guanlin like crap will ensure Seonho gets his best friend back but he’s sure in some convoluted universe in Seonho’s mind it makes sense.

Since Seonho can’t really respond to Daehwi’s rhetorical question, he turns his frown into a fake smile freakishly fast and pulls them both to their feet. “So, hyung we going to do this or what?” These words are followed by a sad attempt to dance John Travolta’s ‘Saturday Night Fever’ 70s disco moves. “I got some sick-ass moves  - Samuel better watch out! At the end of this, I’m going to be the be an all-star like in NBA-MVP! MVP!“ Daehwi tunes out Seonho as he places a headphone back in Seonho’s ear, putting one in his own as the music starts.

With the lyrics floating through his ears, he looks around the room.

Sungwoon and Youngmin are going back and forth giving feedback to each other on their parts. Hyeongsub is sitting by Minki giggling into the older man’s ears.

Minki is saying something to Guanlin that looks oddly like he's trying to comfort him. Guanlin shakes his head like he doesn’t want to hear it. Daehwi watches Minki’s face fall when Guanlin gets up to leave their little huddle of three to move to another part of the room entirely.

He almost doesn’t want to turn his eyes towards the remaining two in their team but he sees them huddled close - and try as he may - Daehwi can't really look away. Jonghyun and Dongho are almost too far from all of the others, an invisible wall blocking them off from their other team-mates, a signal that they don’t want to be disturbed.

“Yo - you okay?” Seonho looks at him concerned, placing a hand on his shoulders.

“Sure – of course, why wouldn’t I be?” If Seonho can act shittily for the camera, he can too! Focus on the song, Daehwi.

He closes his eyes and lets the lyrics wash over him instead – the music relaxes his tense muscles almost instantly as he feels his body move under the rhythym. “Hey, what do you think of pulling back when it goes, ‘Both your front,” He pauses to rub Seonho on the chest as the younger kid laughs. “and back’ and then you’ll turn around –“ Seonho complies and Daehwi holds back a laugh hearing Seonho yelp when his hands land on his ass.

“What the hell was that?!” Seonho squeals jumping quickly. “Yo – yo- I’m not interested in you either -“

“Let’s show Samuel I think it’ll work – “ Daehwi giggles. “If you reacted like that – then people will laugh. It’ll be funny! Super Hot’s supposed to be a cute stage anyways. Muel-ah! Come here!”

Samuel turns around with an uninterested expression. “What? What? What?”

“We were both just inspired.” Samuel already looks worried. “We came up with choreography.”

“Okay – show me.” Their lead dancer takes a seat by the stairs as Daehwi clears his throat before doing the move. For added effect, he makes sure to add a lip bite to look ultra sexy. 

Minki and Hyeongsub break down in laughs.  From a little bit further away, Daehwi even sees Guanlin laugh to himself in his corner.

Their choreographer looks like he wants to gouge his eyes out and break down laughing at the exact same time. “We’re so screwed.” 

“No we’re not, Muel-ah.“ Minki laughs. “That was hilarious – it’ll work! But, we should pair people up by body height and build! It’s just because it’s Daehwi doing it to Seonho that it looks freaking weird-”

Daehwi pouts, placing his hands on his hips. “Hey, I came up with the move – I want to do the ass grabbing-“

“Yeah – but you’re a shorty and from a level perspective I hate it. It looks wrong and creepy." Minki explains as Daehwi rolls his eyes. Discrimination for someone's height is the worst - just because all of Nu'est looked freakishly tall. He's sure Minki wears inserts! "Don’t look SO upset - I’m sure you’ll find someone else’s ass to grab.” Minki's words almost instantly attract the attention of all the older leaders at the edge of the room. Youngmin cackles loudly with Sungwoon but both Dongho and Jonghyun look like they’ve lost all ability to breathe as Minki turns to look at them with a disappointed expression on his face.

Daehwi can only cough uncomfortably as Seonho and Samuel both give him identical smirks. Did he say he hates his friends? He hates his friends. "That's okay - I don't need to grab anyone's ass-"

"Happy to note that -" Minki pats him on his legs as he turns away from him. “Guanlin-ah, come here and try Daehwi’s move out on Seonho! You’re the only one here whose taller than Seonho-”

Daehwi looks between the CUBE chicks and Minki. That’s not true. Theoretically – Youngmin is just as tall as Guanlin and both are taller than Seonho -

What on earth was Minki up to? Did he know?

Lai Guanlin looks like he would much rather catch an immediate flight back to Taipei and give up being an idol instead of sign up for what Minki was asking from him.

Which honestly Daehwi doesn’t understand – he literally just received a free pass to grab Seonho’s ass.

As Guanlin reaches Seonho, he looks to Daehwi for some sort of assurance that Seonho’s not going to punch his lights out. Daehwi is only able to shrug.

Sometimes, in life, to grab the ass of the boy you like – you have to take risks. Guanlin will just have to learn this the hard way.

He manages to catch Dongho’s eyes to smile at him but the man only gives him a quick nod before turning back to uncomfortably look at the sheet music in front of him –

Huh?

Dazed and confused by the lacklustre reaction, Daehwi takes a seat beside Samuel, face folded into his hands to look up at the CUBE trainees. “Uh – is this okay?” Guanlin’s voice is soft and weak as he leans into Seonho’s ear.

Daehwi wants to burst out laughing – but that’s not very fair to the two of them. Still, right now, it feels like he has front row seats to the hottest drama in the studio.

At least today, Guanlin is asking for permission. He's obviously learned his lesson from whatever horrific episode he’d inflicted on Seonho before.

Despite, Guanlin’s attempt to care for his feelings, Seonho rolls his eyes and nods. “Yeah, sure, whatever. Just get it over with."  

Daehwi feels himself huff when he sees Guanlin’s gaze grow hurt again. Honestly, at this point he's three seconds away from pulling Seonho by his hair outside of the room to yell sense into him.

“Kay, now do the move the way Daehwi did it.” Minki folds his face into his hands, clapping energetically for the two unenthusiastic CUBE trainees.

“’Both your front and back look like a goddess.’” Guanlin mutters monotonously as he circles Seonho’s butt and Seonho tenses in front of them.

“Oh – stop. The excitement. It’s killing me. I’m literally losing my mind.” Minki is completely flat as he says this to Guanlin and Seonho who flinch. “You idiots want to debut together?”

Without hesitation, Seonho responds first. “That’s why we’re here together, right?”

Guanlin groans as he turns to look at Seonho confused. Seonho, either because he’s an asshole or because he’s an idiot, doesn’t seem to realize this is doing nothing to comfort Guanlin’s already scattered heart.

“So you think that lacklustre performance and your behaviour towards each other is going to get you votes to get into top 11?” Minki raises his eyebrows and snaps his fingers. “Once more, with feeling.”  

“Man from punching each other to rubbing butts – 24 hours. Friendship goals!” Hyeongsub leans over to Daehwi to giggle as he points at Seonho and Guanlin. "Woojin punched me once - but it bruised - and then he said sorry and got me balm."

Daehwi looks to Samuel to stop himself from laughing at Hyeongsub’s face. First of all – what kind of friendship goals are those? Sure, even he enjoys being unreasonably clingy with his friends, but Hyeonsub needs to know that most ass rubbing is reserved for a special kind of 'friend'.

Secondly, he has to get Woojin to teach this kid how to filter himself – but then again Woojin also suffers from no filter syndrome. That’s probably the reason Demon Tooth and Snow White get along so well. "Sounds like him." 

This time, Guanlin squeaks with compressed emotion as Seonho wiggles his butt with extra fervour in his hips. “Both your front and back look like a goddess!” 

Minki tuts under his breath. “That’s not working – you guys look too lewd for your age. It’s kinda gross – tone it down – too much feeling.”

“HYUNG!” Seonho looks like he’s going to cry. “I could have told you that!” Seonho mutters angrily, obviously still uncomfortable with the way Guanlin’s hands are resting on his waist.

“Wait, wait – I can fix it.” Samuel stands up to lift Guanlin’s hands and place it through Seonho’s arms. “Put your hand on Seonho’s neck.” Guanlin complies but still looks down at his feet. “Okay now, Seonho spread your legs.”

Daehwi’s jaw drops.

“SPREAD MY WHAT?” Samuel rolls his eyes as he grabs Seonho’s leg and forces it into a triangle shape on the floor. “Oh – like that. That doesn’t sound as bad as what you said before-”

“Yoo Seonho – officially a pervert.” Samuel teases as he ruffles Seonho's red flushed head.

“What were you thinking?” Guanlin’s teasing him and when Seonho turns back to him, they look at each other like they’re almost friends again.

Seonho’s laugh becomes increasingly shaky as he looks down at Guanlin who, following Samuel’s instructions, has slowly run his hands down Seonho’s side instead of his back to land at his feet, worship clear in his eyes. Daehwi can’t tell if Guanlin's just acting for the sake of the performance but he doubts Guanlin's that good of an actor yet. “Whatever loser – don’t enjoy this too much.”

Just like that, Guanlin has immediately stood up to stand beside Seonho with his hands and legs at his side. “No one is enjoying anything. You look different from down there – not really 'goddess' like.”

Despite his words, Daehwi catches the flush of red on Guanlin’s neck. Seonho looks miffed as he folds his hands over his chest. “Hey Guanlin hyung,” When Seonho uses the word hyung it almost sounds like a curse, “If you’re so confident in your ass, want to switch?”  

“Seonho, Guanlin’s right. Your ass is flat. The roundest ass in this room is definitely –” Jonghyun’s cough echoes through the room as a reminder for Minki to mind his words as the Nu’est maknae rolls his eyes and huffs to edit himself. “Whatever – Seonho - summary your ass is flat. Deal.” Seonho is incredibly offended at Minki who has managed to make Guanlin laugh genuinely. “Still, even if you do have a flat ass -  the two of you like this work much better than Seonho and Daehwi. We should keep you two as a pair for the move.”

Without a second of hesitation, Seonho beams proudly as he throws an arm easily around Guanlin’s shoulders. “Well, we’re a package deal.”  Guanlin blinks back quickly as he looks at Seonho confused again. Daehwi can’t help but feel the same way. “Yah – wanna show them the other thing?”

Guanlin raises an eyebrow until Seonho waves his head into his neck and Guanlin almost stumbles backwards trying to avoid the way Seonho’s face is dangerously close to his. “Sure sure –“

Daehwi has learned a few things from watching these idiots fuck up their existing relationship.

1) Lai Guanlin is basically a little coward

2) Yoo Seonho is basically a little asshole

3) This did not a good combination make for happiness

Samuel looks at the two of them, hands clapping in excitement. “Okay – since you’re such geniuses baby chick trainees, show us what you got!”

Seonho looks towards Guanlin, clearing his throat and speaking in an official manner. “Baby Chick squad has one more move that we’re really good at. Summary, it has already gone viral, has a proven success rate of 100%, Guanlin and I ACTUALLY  know the Choreo for this kinda - “

Daehwi pouts as he bangs his feet impatiently on the floor. “Yoo Seonho – get on with it!” 

Seonho turns to look at Guanlin with a huge grin on his face. It’s one that doesn’t quite reach Guanlin’s features. “Ready?”

“Sure – whatever.”

“Daehwi jukebox – TROUBLEMAKER PLEASE!” Seonho booms and Daehwi starts whistling and singing for them.

Like that, they brainstorm and it’s decided that the second time the same words in the music repeat, Guanlin and Seonho will bring back their troublemaker routine.

After that, the choreo practically creates itself – Samuel gets on a roll.

He moves and manuevres all of them into strange positions and gives them all moments to stand out and it's almost all finalized until Samuel looks at him with a strange look in his eyes. "Daehwi?"

"Yes Samuel?"

“I'm reading the lyric sheet with the part distribution - and you know you have that ‘Fashionista’ line around a minute and a half?” Daehwi squints through the text before he looks up at Samuel. Where is the bane of his existence going with this? “Dongho sings after you right?”

“Yeah –“ He responds carefully. A little over two hours ago, Dongho had literally ignored him. Still, he can't really deny that he does want a moment in this choreography that is dedicated to them - kind of like what Seonho and Guanlin have managed to get for themselves with Troublemaker.

“What’s Dongho’s line after that?” Samuel blinks at him innocently as Daehwi grits his teeth together.

“I-“

“Look good with you.” Dongho's deep voice is unexpectedly right by his ear and Daehwi jolts upwards when the older man's hands come over his shoulders.

Samuel bursts out laughing. “That’s perfect – you guys do that. Daehwi, maybe make it look like you're super scared since that gif of Dongho looking at you went super viral –“ Daehwi hates thinking of the early days of Produce now, mostly because his entire view of the show was so skewed back then. He had no idea what the hell he was signing up for when he joined. “Minki, hyung – is that appropriate enough?”

“I’m not even getting involved in that mess-“ Minki promptly stops himself from saying more when Jonghyun starts coughing ridiculously loudly again. “I mean – it’s fine. Go team. Yay. It’s Guanlin and Seonho and Daehwi and Dongho – all we need now is for Jonghyun to –“ Jonghyun’s cough gets worse. “Jesus Christ – you know it’s totally obvious you’re trying to shut me up, right? You’re not even a good actor so Kim Jonghyun-ssi PLEASE stop.”

“I don’t care if it’s obvious or not – it just has to shut you up.” Jonghyun smiles kindly as he pets Minki’s fuming head. Daehwi feels himself smiling, it’s kind of a treat to see Jonghyun relax a little. With NEVER, he was always on edge and always focused on out-performing other teams.

With Minki around him though, it's like he’s become a completely different person. Daehwi has a feeling Minki has that general effect on people.

It’s probably why Dongho was so protective of him during Playing with Fire and now Daehwi honestly feels bad that he got angry that Dongho was upset because one of his closest friends was essentially dealt a disadvantage he could not fight against. “Honestly turtle face -  Aron would never –“

“Honestly – Aron hyung’s not here.” Jonghyun bites his tongue through his teeth.

Minki looks entirely scandalized. “Oh my god – I still totally hate you but SAMUEL – WE HAVE TO GET JR TO DO THAT.”

Youngmin looks confused as he looks beyond the group. “You want JR to randomly say that Aron sunbae’s not here in the song? We don’t get to write the rap though - ”

“No- no – but that would also be good. If he got a shout-out, hyung would die of a heart-attack.” Minki smiles fondly at Dongho and Daehwi's eyes follow along.

Oh -

Dongho hasn't let go of his shoulders yet. 

Huh. 

Daehwi leans into him just the slightest.

Dongho’s figure tenses but tightens his hold on Daehwi’s shoulders simultaneously.

Daehwi feels himself bite his lips. Maybe he's just been worrying for no good reason...

“If it’s not about Aron hyung then –?” Samuel trails off waiting for a response.

Minki flings his palm across Jonghyun's shoulders making their leader yelp. “Ya - don't make me ask! Do that thing again –“

“Do WHAT thing?” Jonghyun asks confused as Minki groans in frustration before re-enacting it himself by pulling his tongue through his teeth to lewdly lick his lips. “WHAT WAS THAT? I DIDN'T DO THAT.”

“That’s literally what you just did –“

“I DID NOT DO THAT –“

“Uh – hyung-“ Hyeongsub voices softly as Jonghyun turns to look at him. “You did kind of do that-“

Samuel looks between the team, nodding with an all-knowing look on his face. “We should put that in right when Jonghyun goes in the center – the fans will die."  Jonghyun looks visibly embarassed as he pulls his cap down over his face. “Jonghyun hyung – is there anything else you want to incorporate into the choreo?”

When they start talking about moves from anime battle scenes, Daehwi tunes out. Dongho's hand is still on his shoulder, stable, warm, comforting. It's a reassurance that Dongho's still there despite whatever it is that had him shut down for a few minutes. “All good?” He asks softly before he looks to the door. He can’t technically ask him what happened in Ahn PD’s office yet but this is as close as he can get.

Daehwi expected him to pull back from him at the question but Dongho only smiles and nods at him. “Of course, everything’s fine. You’re all good?”

Good - he was worrying for nothing, a weight shifts off his stomach. Daehwi pulls his arms over Dongho’s waist, nodding energetically into his boyfriend's chest. “I'm great now. You know you’re not actually supposed to put your hands around me-“

Dongho’s hands pull him closer as Daehwi’s breath hitches in his throat. “I’m not? Your hands are here too though -”  Daehwi blinks back up at him dumbly. He wants to look around to see if anyone's looking at them but he literally cannot tear his eyes away from Dongho's demanding gaze.

Either everyone is really focused on the choreography or everyone’s chosen to completely ignore the two of them – eitherways Daehwi can’t really bring himself to mind it. "I meant in the dance move - like I need to be scared-"

Dongho leans down towards his face and Daehwi's eyes widen. Shit - shit - shit - "You're not scared yet?" He stops right in front his nose, they're not quite close enough to kiss but it's enough to have made Daehwi stop breathing. "Damn well -  I guess – I’m just really bad at dancing choreography then and I can’t follow instructions – but apparently because it’s me I’ll probably look good on screen anyways?”

Daehwi feels like Dongho's literally poured an ice bucket on him. This asshole. Honestly, why does he tell him anything? “Yah – what I meant by that – was totally different- it was a 2x dance you can’t hold that against me –“

“Psht you know how petty I am? I can hold anything against you-“

If he's going to try to run hot and cold, Daehwi can too. He leans the slightest bit forward, pulling his face towards Dongho's as the man trips backwards. "I can scare you too -" He snickers as Dongho rolls his lips into his mouth to keep them safe-guarded from Daehwi's.

Okay, this feels normal now – whatever happened earlier was nothing. Daehwi has to believe in 'this'. This feeling of burning perfect happiness that he got in Dongho’s arms.

As long as this never goes away, they'll be fine.

“YAH! Kang Dongho-“ Jonghyun rolls his eyes and comes between them. Well - all good things have to come to an end. “Go do other – stuff. Dance related stuff – not Daehwi related stuff.” Jonghyun’s strongly whispered tone leaves no room for mischevious interpretation as Daehwi and Dongho laugh at him and the Nu’est leader groans. “Honestly – it’s so much easier working with Minhyun. He actually listens to me –“

“Go work with him then! YOU ALREADY LEFT ME ONCE!” Minki screams dramatically making everyone in the room pause.

Hyeongsub starts giggling nervously. “Hyung – too extra.”

Minki sighs as he leans on their resident Snow White’s shoulders. “Hyeongsub-ah, hyung has to work on how natural my acting is. I’m looking up alternate careers now kids! At my age and rank – nothing is safe.”

“Yah – what does that say about me?! We’re the same age and I haven’t even debuted yet!” Youngmin scowls as Minki sticks his tongue out apologetically pulling on his ears.

"But you're pretty! You'll be fine-" Minki's attempt to pacify the Brand New leader is lost on the rap god.

Jonghyun rolls his eyes. "This is coming from the prettiest trainee here -"

Minki sighs, forlorn. "I think Jihoon is the rightful owner of that title - I'm a wilted old flower boy now - "

"Prettiest ahjusshi then-" Daehwi jokes as Minki turns to look at him with an unamused expression.

Hyeongsub smiles to himself as he offers a helpful hand of advice for Choi Minki. “Hyung, if you can tone it down a bit it’ll look better- like you did when you were acting like a loser trainee for Jihoon’s birthday! Just pretend it’s Jonghyun hyung’s birthday soon-”

Minki’s eyes widen as he looks around the room and his eyes connect with Jonghyun’s. Jonghyun immediately groans as Minki looks at him questioningly and Dongho snickers to himself.

“Please don’t.” Jonghyun pleads softly. Dongho and Minki look to each other, silently agreeing to something by themselves without the Nu’est leader’s permission. “Youngmin-ah, let’s go – I need your help – mostly because I don’t want to be here.” The Nu’est leader pulls the other rapper, who is technically his competition, away.

Daehwi feels himself reach for Dongho’s fingers, twisting them in his until he’s able to pull the older man’s hands over his shoulders so that he’s safely sandwiched in his side again.

If it’s under the pretense of the choreography they were practising... being so close is okay, right?

He feels the hair on the back of his neck rise when Dongho’s fingers slowly dance their way from his shoulders, up his neck, eventually playing with the stray pieces at the bottom of his hairline. Daehwi takes a deep breath as he tries to steady his rapidly increasing heartbeat. There's honestly only so much open teasing a guy can take - “What was that?”

Dongho just shoots him a sly smirk as Daehwi feels himself flush. “It’s Jonghyun’s birthday. In the next few days actually, Minki- uh when is it?” Dongho pretends to play dumb as his fingers continue tickling the edge of Daehwi's hairline.

Daehwi scrunches his face up at him mostly so he can actually control what expression he has on  for the camera.

He wants to tell him to stop that but he also doesn't really want to stop Dongho from touching him - ever.

His boyfriend is a sneaky piece of shit.

Minki proves to be a helpful distraction from Daehwi's internal conflict as he looks disappointedly at his bandmate. “Baekho-ssi how can you be this disappointing? It’s been so many years now – come on - June 8. Can we kick you out of the group already? You don’t remember anyone’s birthdays it so offensive Baekho-ssi-”

“Ya Ren-ssi, November 3. Never doubt me again.” Dongho's fingers relent in their mission to make Daehwi suffer as he pulls them away to throw Minki a finger heart that may or may not have been a disguised middle finger on camera.

Minki clutches his chest appalled at the obscene heart, turning his back on a still grinning Dongho. Daehwi's quickly pulled into Minki's one-armed hug with Samuel on Minki's other side.

It’s probably better that way considering they're all on camera and Daehwi can’t really trust the feelings he gets from the sheer sensation of Dongho’s fingers on him. “Yah – kids, can you do me a favour?”

“What?” Samuel asks reflexively as he looks between Dongho and Minki’s mischeviously matched expressions.

“Jonghyun keeps a really close eye on us – too close. Like if I was Mariah Carey – he’d be Eminem and I’d be all like ‘Why you so obsessed with me? BOY I wanna know-’ And he’s literally no better with Daniel, Seongwoo or Jaehwan – and Jisung’s so busy-“

Samuel groans. “Hyung – get to the point!”

 “You two go get Jonghyun a cake – it’d be nice to surprise him with something when he’s not expecting anything. We’re all going to be so focused on this final stage that he’s not going to want to do anything –“

“Leave it to us!” Daehwi claps Minki on the back as Samuel relents even though he looks like he really doesn't want to do anything. “I’m something of a cake expert – you can ask Youngmin I was the one who ate all of Donghyun’s birthday cake because he was on a diet -“

Samuel pokes Daehwi through his shirt. “Yah – it’s showing. Manage yourself better. Thank god Dongho hyung didn’t take you to get tteokbokki-” With no concern for self-preservation, Daehwi turns to look at Samuel proudly. He quirks up one eyebrow pointedly smirking at Samuel to make his point clear without actually verbalizing it.

He’s hoping Samuel’s uncanny ability to always know what’s going on inside his head will be enough for him to realize that Dongho did take him out.

Multiple times.

Hell, if Daehwi has anything to do with it he’ll convince the guy to take him out tonight too –

Samuel has definitely gotten some sort of message because he’s tilting his head sideways and lifting his eyebrows up to wrinkle his forehead as if he’s asking _‘Really?’_

All Daehwi can pass him is a barely perceptible nod before Samuel’s grin eats his own face up. Samuel shuffles a look between an increasingly awkward Dongho and uninterested Choi Minki. 

So Daehwi decides to say something much more camera appropriate for all of them – clapping his hands together. “Would it be okay if we all roomed together?”

“I think that’d be nice.” Samuel turns to look at Daehwi with a hand on his shoulders. “You’d like that wouldn’t you? Full access to all the things -”

Daehwi flushes bright red as he grabs Samuel by the arm and starts waving him around. “Yah – Kim Samuel – stop talking crap or I’m going to make sure you never meet Somi in your life EVER-“

“YO – Whatever bro I don’t need you anyways – she’s coming to finale duh- Somi sunbae- saranghae-“

"OMG EW - I will never let her date your trashy face -"

The rest of their day is spent making a mess of their choreography, often accompanied by an even more over-exaggerated version of Samuel’s already over-exaggerated teasing and Daehwi sneaking looks at his sweaty boyfriend.

Super Hot’s off to a bit of a weird start – but Daehwi feels his lips curl into his mouth as he looks at where Seonho and Guanlin are laughing together again.

They’re going to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient with me and this update :D hopefully it's everything you thought it would be!


	19. Accidental Harmony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR HOMIES (this one is for all the homies who are heading back to work today - peace be with you). 
> 
> (Also this is belated but thank you all for the noms at WannaOne Fanfiction awards :) <3 *hugsandkisses!* I would have thanked you all earlier but I didn't have this update ready till this week!)
> 
> As always - fair warning that there will be making out this chapter. As usual - nothing progresses much beyond that point. (So hopefully I don't make anyone feel too uncomfortable)

_LEE DAVID, you AREN’T keeping the group updated. How’s Produce going?! Give us the scoop on the hottest drama on T.V. right now!!_

He snorts. It’s nice to know that the world is watching him and his friends suffer on T.V. for entertainment value.

Still if anyone had a right – it would be those in the JYP group chat – they do exactly the same thing for a living anyways.

_Jackson hyung, I already told you IF everyone on the group sends a vote confirmation in my name then I’ll send weekly updates. You didn’t send yours!_

And then bitterly, he adds.  _Besides you never told me if DoubleB and Mina are ACTUALLY dating._

Daehwi is completely expecting the irritated emoji that Mina sends his way.

Jackson responds quickly – because Jackson’s just that type of guy. The type who can’t stop living for even a second – relaxing is something that just doesn't exist in Jackson Wang's fairy extensive dictionary (Korean, English, Cantonese, Mandarin and a fair bit of Japanese is nothing to laugh at).   _Look – I’ve attached the screenshot right here. MarkieMark’s voting for you too! Now – what happened with Wink Boy and Dark Circles? They’re hella awkward with each other on the cam they released. I thought they were like best friends?_

Daehwi’s not sure how to answer that.

Jinyoung’s been increasingly focused on his show performance in a way that’s almost obsessive. Daehwi even heard Woojin say that Jinyoung’s dancing for Hands On Me is looking better than his own.

Jihoon as usual is making sure that no one knows anything about him, even on T.V. which is hurting more than helping him at this point.

And Daehwi-

Well, he’s not about to shoot himself in the foot and share his own story with them. He's sure that Jackson and Mark actually know Aron which means they may know Dongho - which means hell no. That’s best saved for later – much much later when Daehwi actually escapes Produce101 with both his heart and life intact.

He’s about to put his phone away when he sees Mark respond.  _Jackson, how do you have the time to be this bored? Just go read fanfiction and stop bothering David already._

He still doesn't know if BamBam and Mina are dating - this is why you don't leave companies - no one tells you anything! 'We'll stay in touch Daehwi, I swear!' LIES. LIES.

Maybe Somi knows.

Just as he's entering the message to her, Jonghyun's voice carries out over their room. “Dongho, go shower next.”

Daehwi looks up from where he’s presently on his bed on the upper left bunk, browsing his phone. Jonghyun’s just come back from the showers himself, hair wet and moppy on his head as he waves his Nu'est member off towards the communal bathroom.

He could technically go shower too – “Is there any room in the showers? Can I –“

Unfortunately, reading Daehwi’s mind has become Jonghyun’s part-time job given that he’s doing his very best to keep him apart from Dongho as much as possible on camera. “Daehwi - it’s really full right now. Go after.”

When Daehwi had envisioned rooming together – he hadn’t exacty envisioned something so –

Chaperoned.

Daehwi wants to throw a tantrum, scream and whine – but in his own irritatingly, rational, leader way Kim Jonghyun is just being overly cautious. Daehwi can’t really fault him for that even if it's been ages since he's had any time alone with his boyfriend. Jonghyun's behaviour makes perfect sense and the superego governing the more logical center of his brain is actually grateful to the Nu'est leader. 

Since he can't go shower, all he can do is watch his boyfriend disappear without so much as a nod towards him.

He glances down at the bunk below him, a small smile rising on his face. Technically, it’s not all that bad. Even with Jonghyun’s involvement, Daehwi is sharing a bed with Dongho, who (when he’s back from his shower) will be sleeping under him (no pun intended).

Daehwi’s actually surprised that Jonghyun let them sleep on the same bunk bed but he has a feeling it has more to do with the fact that Jonghyun thinks that by sleeping across from Dongho – it'll restrict anything else that might happen.

A beep pops up on his phone. The alert is from Samuel on KaTalk and immediately he rolls his eyes. Seriously - the guy is literally right across from him on the bunk above the cupboards. 

_Why do you look like someone took your candy bar away, gobbled it all up and smiled at you with the chocolate still stuck in their teeth?_

When he looks up, he sees Samuel wave at him.   _Well, y_ _ou look like shit too._

To be fair, all of them look exhausted. All day they worked on formations and transitions, dancing their pants off and at this point, since he doesn't really have anything to look forward to, Daehwi can’t be bothered to keep his eyes open. “Guys, I’ll just shower in the morning.” It’s not like he’s going to get spend time alone with Dongho tonight anyways.

Thankfully, after the day they’ve had, sleep comes easily to his eyes.

Unfortunately, sleep doesn’t stay as easily as it had come.

After what only feels like a few seconds, Daehwi finds his eyes blearily opening in the darkness of the night. He yawns as softly as he can muster, checking his phone.

There’s a bunch of messages from Somi giving him advice on what hair styles he should try for a cuter stage look and telling him not to tease Jackson. She also artfully avoids his question on BamBam and Mina. Honestly, it's not like he's secretly working for Dispatch or something. 

The next few messages are from his mom - checking in on him again and telling him how people have started talking to her about him in their church in LA. The thought is both something that comforts him and scares him. 

How many people are really keeping an eye on him now?

There’s even a bunch of messages from San E on the Brand New group chat bragging about how he may or may not be hosting _something_ with _someone_ in a super popular girl group. Donghyun’s made a few guesses – all wrong. Daehwi has a feeling it's someone for SM or YG - if it were anyone else - San E would have spilled the details by now. He loves his hyung but San E's too unfiltered - even more so than the man under him.

 

His eyes flicker open. He really should be sleeping. He needs the rest. All of them do. Dongho most definitely does. 

And still Daehwi finds his body twisting out of his bed, quiet and stealthy like a man on a mission, until he’s managed to make his way down the bunk ladder.

He sits himself on the ground, crawling to his boyfriend's face.  He’s not quite sure what he’s doing here but watching Dongho dream is a weirdly satisfying experience that he feels compelled to partake in.

His muscle monster of a boyfriend sleeps in the fetal position like a child and he scoots closer. His left hand lifts of it's own accord, like he's been hypnotized, and his fingers run their way through Dongho's hair. 

Sensing the disturbance but not quite awakening, Dongho shifts again, with a groan on his lips as his arms cover his face. Daehwi frowns, as wonderful as his arms are he isn't down here to look at them but then he catches the rapid rise and fall of his boyfriend's chest and Dongho's hands clench the sheets around him like he's looking for a shield of protection or he's trying to hide himself.

Daehwi shifts even closer as he ducks around his arms to look closer at his boyfriend's face. Dongho’s eyes are actually shut tight squinting, with his eyebrows furrowed in what can be best described as a pained expression and his lips have puckered-

Wait –

Oh my god, Kang Dongho is a snorer.

Daehwi couldn’t tell at first because the sounds coming from Dongho’s mouth are quite literally the softest snores he’s ever heard but they’re there! They're quiet and inflected with a nasal tonality that only comes from a blocked airway. Daehwi claps a hand over his mouth as the giggles free fall from his lips but it isn't enough to quiet him down.

 Dongho’s eyes flicker awake, a dark coffee brown in the mist of shrouded blue from the curtains casting their weak light in this room. The cover of sleep hasn’t yet lifted from his heavy lidded gaze as he looks upwards to where Daehwi’s fingers are still in his hair. His eyes shift back to Daehwi, tilting his head sharply in confusion like he's asking what the hell is happening here?

Shit, he probably looks really creepy right now. Instantly, he's on his feet to climb up the ladder to safety but Dongho’s hand has reached upwards to clutch his wrist. In seconds, Daehwi’s lurched into bed with Dongho and sure - this isn't their first time being beside each other like this but the connotation of being in a bedroom is enough for Daehwi's eyes to widen in fear. “Daehwi-“ His boyfriend drops his normally powerful voice several octaves and volume levels. “What are you doing?”

“What am I doing?! What are you doing?!” When he hears Dongho’s half-dreamy laugh, Daehwi’s sure he looks like a fat kid caught eating someone else’s birthday cake before it’s sliced. “I was just watching you sleep outside your bed and now I’m in your bed! I didn’t put myself here!”

"Sorry. I must have shocked you." Dongho raises a hand weakly and shifts backwards to give Daehwi the space he's asked for but never really wanted. “I was a little disappointed that you were already sleeping by the time I got back from the showers. Now that you're finally awake, how am I supposed to let you go back up to your bed without saying good night?” Dongho’s just yawning and stretching as consciousness graces his figure but Daehwi -?

Daehwi's a mess of tangled wires; lit, frantic, and scattering over the room - bound to injure someone if he's not careful.

Dongho’s stupidly cute words aren’t doing anything to shut him off either. “Is that your long-winded way of saying you were waiting for me to do something like this?”

“Sure,” Dongho’s smiling at him so widely that his eyes have turned into mini crescents. It's a look Daehwi's come to recognize as meaning his boyfriend is going to be super irritating in 3 - 2- “Thanks for coming down! Good night, Daehwi!” He makes a show of snoring, patting his mouth with his hands as Daehwi muffles a laugh.

Idiot.

Well, Dongho’s not getting rid of him that easily. He can't just say that and expect Daehwi to go back upstairs, even if that's exactly what he should be doing. “Sorry? I couldn’t hear what you were saying through the world’s loudest snore? Like I was tempted to call Guinness and let them know I found a new world record holder -” He feigns ignorance, pushing himself over the space that’s safely built between their bodies.

Dongho keeps shifting backwards, eyes continually closed until his back has finally run out of room and Daehwi, for the second time, has him inappropriately pressed against the wall. “Daehwi-“

“Hey man – you’re the one who made this about saying good night.” He drawls softly, adding a yawn of his own to make it believable. “How can you expect me to go to sleep if you’re going to just say good night like that so coldly – I think you owe it to me to warm me up.” In seconds, he’s managed to lift the covers up and pulled himself under.

Since he’s not going anywhere, he may as well get comfortable. He lifts his head up, fully expecting it to hit the cheap cotton of Produce pillow covers when instead he feels Dongho's arm under him instead. 

It's more comfortable than anything else he's ever felt which makes no sense. Arms aren't supposed to be comfortable. Dongho's arm is actually hard, tensed from years of toiling in a gym and muscles like his aren't supposed to feel like the perfect place for Daehwi to rest his head but -

It's comfortable.

Part of Daehwi wants to hit himself, force his brain to snap out of it - maybe he can blame how he's feeling on the barely sufficient sleep, the exhaustion he has from overworking himself, or the fact that they’re essentially under a microscope –

But Dongho – he’s a fantasy and he's real. He's enigmatic and magnetic and right now he's all Daehwi cares about.

Which is ridiculously stupid. “Are you hogging my blankets now?” He is indeed hogging Dongho's blankets but hell if he's going to acknowledge that. Instead, he pulls himself deeper under the covers hiding half his face in the sheets. He's pretty sure he's blushing so red he looks like the inside of a Red Velvet cake. “Daehwi - this isn’t appropriate.” Like he doesn’t know that – does Dongho have to say it out loud? 

He'll leave - at some point - maybe.

Responding to Dongho’s very valid concerns is the smart thing to do.

Daehwi's not really in the mood for that, he'd like to be a little stupid today. He winds his legs between Dongho’s like a lock that ensures Dongho can’t kick him out easily. His eyes only flutter open when he feels skin where really – there ought to be – something. 

Dear god - Dongho’s the inappropriate one! At least, Daehwi’s in a very nice solid pair of Adidas sweatpants he got on sale – but Dongho? Dongho’s in his boxers. “Daehwi-“

He doesn't need the guy to lecture him, he'll back off himself.  “If you say my stupid name again – I’ll probably do something stupider than just sleep beside you, so stop saying it. Why the hell are you wearing boxers to bed anyways? ” His eyes stay closed as he yawns pulling his arms out over the sheets as they separate again. 

“Whatever, dude. I didn't know you'd come down here plus I get hot at night and then I can't sleep well, okay? Why am I even telling you any of this? I don’t need to explain my pajamas to you!” Daehwi winks at him, moving his eyebrows up and down. Dongho's face is a mix of embarrassed and amused as he turns his head away from him. “Can you please stop hogging all the sheets-“

“So petty.” Daehwi pokes at his temple lightly as Dongho rolls his eyes beside him. “Besides, didn’t you once say ‘What’s mine is yours, Daehwi', remember? Don’t you want to share with me?”  

“That was a joke. You need to stop taking things so literally.” Dongho is trying, in vain, to hide his grin. “Besides I’m sharing – unwillingly but I am!”

Daehwi isn’t quite sure when this started - but he's suddenly become aware of the fact that the hand that’s attached to the arm he’s sleeping on has started playing with his hair. Dongho really needs to stop doing that. With every passing second, Daehwi's feeling his body sink into the mattress like he’s ready to make this his second home. “Kang Dongho – be honest. You think you’re so funny, don’t you?”

“THINK? Are you crazy?” Dongho’s fingers pull away from his fringe and Daehwi, pouts, a complaint automatically bubbling up his chest. “I know we still don’t know each other very well but I don’t need to ‘think’ it, I am hilarious, Leech-hwi.”

“Leech-hwi? I am SO offended.” Even as he’s doing his best to look rightfully miffed, Daehwi knows he’s failing miserably. “You leave me no choice. I’m just going to have to live up to my new name now.” He burrows the crown of his head into Dongho's chest, earning him a sound of surprise from the older man before he starts to grumble again. “You're so rude. How can you even call someone like me a leech when I’m basically the only thing that’s keeping you warm? I’m way more priceless than these cheap IKEA comforters that Produce got on sale so-“

His words grow quiet when he feels Dongho’s free arm come over his waist to bring them closer together. When Daehwi turns his head up to look at him, he’s both surprised and not surprised by the feeling of Dongho’s lips pressed upon his. Dongho pulls his lower lip into his mouth tenderly, rolling it between his teeth in a kiss that's so light and sweet that Daehwi swears he tastes sugar on the other man’s lips.

When he makes a move to deepen it, however, he’s left kissing the cold. With his eyes still closed, he tries his best to mumble as quietly as possible. “What was that?”

“What you came for?” Dongho quickly pecks his nose making his eyes flutter open as he pouts, openly unsatisfied. Seriously, if Dongho’s going to come for the nose, he may as well just go a few inches down and really make his night instead of whatever half-kiss he’s left him with right now. “Now, please go back. I don’t want Minhyun on me for giving Jonghyun a heart attack-“

In all fairness, it might already be too late for that. Jonghyun is a very light sleeper. “Okay okay – I’ll go. Just tell me that you’re doing okay.”

Dongho’s dreamy smile drops from his face as he clears his throat. “What does that mean? Why wouldn’t I be?”

This may be his only chance to actually talk to Dongho in this shoddy excuse for privacy. “I mean-“

“Ah, is this about Hands on Me? It’s fine, Daehwi. I'm happy in Super Hot too. I get to perform with you, Jonghyun and Minki.” Sure, there’s that too but what Daehwi’s actually asking about is the fact Dongho was called into Ahn PD’s office with no apparent reason behind the request.

Daehwi’s not entirely convinced that Dongho doesn’t know exactly what he’s asking about either because right now Kang Dongho has put on his voice. The voice that all idols are trained to have so they have an easy automatic persona to rely on when they’re faced with uncomfortable interview questions or asked to do things that they would never normally do.

He’s just going to have to be as direct as possible so Dongho can’t avoid it like he does everything. “I’m asking about why you were sent to Ahn PD’s office. Not getting ‘Hands on Me’? Sure, that sucks for you but it’s okay because you’ll make Super Hot work -  even if you’re not really cute enough for it - “ Dongho’s loud snickers interrupt him as Daehwi tries his best to clap a hand over his boyfriend's mouth to muffle the laughs.

He’s not very successful. His boyfriend’s wheezy laughs are only slightly softer than Kim Jaehwan’s legendary cackles. From behind them, Daehwi hears Jonghyun behind them groan and stir in his sleep. “Can you please be quiet or I’ll seriously get kicked out – or worse – have to deal with Jonghyun’s disappointed face-”

“This is so offensive that it’s actually funny.”  Dongho tilts his head to the side. 

Daehwi’s left a bumbling mess. “How can you be offended? I literally just said you’re too hot for a stage like Super Hot -”

“No.” He cuts him off and Daehwi gulps when he feels Dongho’s face duck down closer to his. “You said I wasn’t cute enough for Super Hot.” Daehwi flicks his head unamused and his boyfriend frowns as he pretends to take a bullet gruffly to the heart.

Seriously, how could this be an actual person who makes him feel nervous? “Dongho, please don’t act, ever. People on the internet will definitely cuss you out and you'll give all acting-dols a bad name –“

“Man, you know how to kick a guy where it hurts.” Daehwi’s just about to try and talk some sense into what Dongho’s interpreting when he feels his boyfriend's face come over his, lips closing in on his ears. “If my own ‘team mate’ doesn’t think I’m cute, then what hope is there for the world to ever see me that way then?” 

Daehwi’s happy Dongho can’t see what he looks like from above him. His response comes shaky because with every soft breath left on his skin he feels like another part of his brain is taking over, the one that’s infinitely more foolish than the one that’s presently in Dongho’s bed right now. “That’s not what I meant-“

Dongho leans back pouting, defiantly. This guy has no clue of what’s running through Daehwi’s own mind. “I’m definitely not making top 11.” There’s a laugh to his voice, a tone of silly with a hint of reality.

It makes Daehwi’s blood run cold.

He hates it when Dongho brings this shit up.

Sure, it’s a possible reality. It’s a bitter pill that might materialize one day in front of him and then maybe then - Daehwi will think about taking it.

But it’s not here yet and Dongho doesn’t have to do this to them, right now.

He hates that the threat of these rankings hang over their heads. It's a knife ready to sever the very fragile thread that Daehwi’s built to connect himself to Dongho.

He can’t admit any of that to Dongho – so instead he settles for pushing his boyfriend’s shoulder gruffly as Dongho continues to laugh at him. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Well – if I'm being ridiculous - can you go up to your bunk already and relax?” Dongho pulls his hands off Daehwi’s waist in a way that leaves him feeling empty. “You have nothing to be worried about and you REALLY shouldn’t be sleeping down here.”

Dongho’s feet start playing with his to push him out of the bed and as comforting as the action is supposed to be, it feels like he’s being pushed away from more as he makes his way out of the covers. “Fine, whatever. You don’t really – “

He’s never able to finish what he’s saying because Dongho pulls on his wrist until he’s back down in his arms.

Dongho’s strong – everyone knows that.

Until, this moment - Daehwi's never known just how strong he is. Right now, Dongho's arms are clenched tight over his smaller frame. Daehwi’s face is being muffled into his boyfriend’s shoulders. He's being held so close that even his chest has no room to accommodate anything more than the shallowest of breaths.

The pressure on his body is only contrasted by the sensation of Dongho’s lips pressed softly on his forehead.

Daehwi’s stuck blinking up at him through the darkness of the room, mouth parted open as he feels his eyes water for absolutely no reason.

Dongho’s going to drive him crazy.

How is he ever supposed to want to get out of this bed if Dongho won’t let him?

The silence between them goes stale as Dongho looks at him for a response. “What?”

Daehwi doesn’t answer him.

He knows what he wants to say to him – he’s known for some time now but there’s no real way for him to say it that won’t completely scare the living daylights out of both of them.

Today, it’s like all his nerve endings are firing away and he’s constantly on the edge of making the worst mistake or best decision of his life. Dongho’s presence in his life can drown him. He knows that. He’s always known that.

It’s not like he hasn’t been in relationships before. He has. He’s felt the good and the bad but nothing has ever compared to what Dongho makes him feel.

He’s lost here – like he always is around Dongho. It’s something that’s left him off balance and leaning on the edge of falling deeper. It’d be easier to just let go but the risk of drowning in this ocean has him cling to this makeshift pole. For now, not falling is the easiest way for him to stay afloat because he’s not actually sure if he’s strong enough to swim in the currents that swirl below his feet, tempting him to let go and be free.

How can Daehwi ever put any of that into words that he actually says to this man?

How can Daehwi let himself tell Dongho how he’s feeling when he doesn’t even want to tell himself?

This moment when Dongho's looking down at him like he's the most precious thing in his life feels more real than anything Daehwi’s ever felt in his life but-

It’s just a moment.

It’s not their future.

Dongho can barely withstand this reality they’re in today.

Daehwi can’t put that sort of pressure on him, let alone himself. “Daehwi – what?” Dongho looks like he’s worried he’s done something wrong and he has. He's made it hard for Daehwi to trust any of the words leaving his mouth. It's not fair when Dongho's been so obvious about keeping him at an arm’s length.

Even now, as Dongho bends downwards to look at him closely for reassurance that they’re okay, it makes Daehwi shut his eyes tightly as he works to steady the breathing in his chest.

How can he ever feel okay telling Dongho how he feels when Dongho won’t trust him enough to actually talk to him?

Since he can’t say any of the things he wants to tell Dongho, he settles for something that feels a bit easier. A bit more practiced.

His hands roll up Dongho’s arms to the back of his neck. He pulls Dongho down to his lips before the older man can stop him. Daehwi holds his jaw squarely in his hands so Dongho can’t shift away, can’t hide from him here.

Not that he would, Dongho’s less resistant than he had been a few weeks ago. Daehwi tastes the edge of Dongho’s smile on his lips as his hands come over to duck themselves under Daehwi's arms, lifting him just the slightest.

At least in this position, Dongho will let himself be vulnerable. Here, Dongho trusts Daehwi to take care of him. Here, Daehwi has permission to caress the roundness of Dongho's cheeks and mix the air between them into a substance that makes their lungs shift in accidental harmony.

The more they're together, the more he feels like everything about them is an accident. Beautiful, but an accident nonetheless. Daehwi didn’t mean to turn his life upside down for him – and Dongho sure as hell didn’t mean to let himself succumb to his selfish desires but-

They’re here. Happy. For now.

Is it selfish for him to want to hold onto that?

Is it selfish for him to want Dongho to hold onto it as badly as he does?

Daehwi lets go with the softest of gasps for air until Dongho’s lips are back on his, unrelenting. Daehwi whimpers for air but he feels Dongho's fingers latch onto his hips and Daehwi arches against him, hands ducking down under his shirt until he can run his fingers over the bare skin. He feels drunk and dizzy.

Or maybe that's the lack of air. 

Seconds feel like minutes, minutes like hours, and hours last forever.

Daehwi pulls his lips away, resting his forehead on Dongho’s own as they both struggle to catch themselves before they drown. “Good night.” He murmurs, eyes blinking drunkenly.

Dongho’s fingers inch towards his hair again. At this point, he’s probably going to wake up with a bird’s nest on his head. “Good night.” Dongho doesn’t look at him so Daehwi lunges forward to press a quick kiss to his lips, shocking the older man out of whatever’s been lulling in his mind again.

He doesn’t stay this time. He crawls up the bunk ladder quickly and in seconds, wraps himself into his own cheap comforter. He isn’t even trying to focus on it but the echo of Dongho’s breathing from below him builds in his ears until it’s all he can hear, becoming the tempo that controls the pace of his heart and he finds himself frowning as he stares up at the ceiling.

This isn’t quite passion – he knows what that feels like.

It’s not quite hopelessness either – he knows what that feels like too, thanks to Dongho.

No, this feels like something that’s taking his sore muscles and binding the tears together.

It’s this feeling that stretches from the top of his head to the bottoms of his toes.

It makes him feel ten feet tall and six inches short at the same time.

He twists into his mattress groaning. There’s no way he’s getting anymore sleep tonight.

 

 

 

“Again.”  Daehwi groans but starts to move again, the moves for Super Hot’s energetic center breakdown running through his arms. “Again. Daehwi, your left elbow is seriously getting lazy –“

“Samuel – don’t you think you should be practicing too –“

“I want to – but you’re so shit and I can only afford to be critical of one person at a time so – Daehwi-chu! I choose you!” Okay – first of all – he is not Pikachu. Secondly, Samuel will be the death of him, even Pikachu got breaks.

Daehwi wipes the sweat off his brow as he fans himself through his shirt. If he keeps going this way, he’s going to faint before lunch. “Can we break and chill for a second?”

Samuel clucks under his breath, a disappointed judgmental sort of tone finding its way into his insult. “Sure, take a break, wimp.”

Daehwi dramatically falls onto the floor.  “Sure, be an asshole. Dictator.”

“Woojin’s right – you are a drama queen. You live in your head too much Daehwi.” Daehwi frowns as Samuel scoots over to his flattened frame on the floor– kicking him lightly in his side. “Do you really think you’re going to beat me and get center lying on the ground like that?”

“You know it’s entirely possible that neither of us will end up center.” Daehwi crawls over to use Samuel’s lap as a pillow for his head. When he sees Samuel’s shocked expression, he feels almost apologetic for delivering the bad news to him. “Both of us need this but almost everyone else on this team needs it too. On finale night with every name that’s announced, the probability of getting into the group if you’re not Park Jihoon, Kang Daniel or Kim Jonghyun drastically drops. Being center is going to help – I almost wish we were both in different songs.”

Samuel’s expression crumbles into a sort of – relieved sadness. It reminds Daehwi too much of what Dongho looked like last night and unwillingly his heart lurches uncomfortably in his chest. “In the end, none of this will matter Daehwi. All of us know when that night ends, 9 of us are going to feel like shit. 11 of us will feel amazing – but a part of us will crumble for the 9 of us who feel like shit. So, no matter which way you slice and dice it – finale night is going to suck because everyone’s going to feel like shit at some point.”

Immediately, he shifts off Samuel’s lap, head on his knees as he glares at his best friend accusingly. “That’s unfair. I’m used to negativity from my own mouth – but from you it feels weirder. Stop talking like this. It’s making me sad and we both know you're better at making people feel better than I am -”

“Don’t be sad, dork.” Samuel smiles at his words, pulling his arms over his shoulders. “It’s just – I’ve been here before. Most of my childhood was spent here, chasing this dream – and it hasn’t worked out. Twice. Trust me, I don’t want to miss out again. I just already know what it feels like on both sides of the coin. I’m just hoping that if things don’t turn out the way I want this time – it doesn’t hurt as much.”

“Once with Seventeen and once with 1Punch, Punch-sunbaenim?” Daehwi isn’t even expecting the way that Minki hits him over the head on his way over to Jonghyun. “MINKI HYUNG - I FELT THAT YOU KNOW!”

“YOU WERE MEANT TO. Why are you bringing up old shit with Samuel?” Minki proceeds to ignore him, instead facing Samuel directly. “Muel-ah, Seungcheol said you asked him to come to the finale. He’s really excited to see you debut, so don’t be so pessimistic!”

“You’d think petty Choi Minki was 12 – not almost freaking 22. To think, I was willing to sell my soul to become part of your Captain Rabbit bunny fluffy Playboy weird squad-“

Samuel claps one palm over Daehwi’s still running mouth as he responds to Minki. “Yeah, Seungcheol messaged me too, hyung. It’ll be nice to see him after so long.”

“How long has it been? Seventeen is busy but I can yell at him to take care of you better.” Samuel flushes shaking his head energetically but Minki’s overly persistent – almost comically so. “Really Muel-ah, it’s no big deal! I yell at leaders very well! I have years of experience! Ask baldy here!” Jonghyun turns to look at Minki with a look in his eyes that screams that he'd very much like to pull Minki’s hair out so he's the baldy in the room. “Guys - look! Jonghyun turned around. He even recognizes his new nickname so well. Bugi who? My baldy leader's so cute!” Jonghyun doesn’t say a word but he does lightly kick Minki in his shin till the prettiest boy in their team is cowering in pain. “YAH! You got something to say One Punch Man?”

Everyone in the room crumbles to laughs as Jonghyun pouts. “Dude – I’m not as bad as One Punch Man yet! And I’m not even balding, can you please stop?! People think we’re friends – they might actually trust what you say.” Minki uses his hips to knock Jonghyun over on his side and the surprisingly clumsy Nu’est leader falls over and knocks his head into the wall.

As the Nu'est leader and maknae continue to bicker, Daehwi realizes that Minki’s glancing at Samuel more often than the others in the room, like he’s trying to make sure that Samuel’s smile hasn’t caved in on itself yet.

It’s at this moment Daehwi realizes that when finale night comes - yes most of their futures were unknown but Choi Minki?

Choi Minki will not make it. How can he when he’s the only trainee who has wound up here with no real story line of his own?

And yet, it's Minki who is the one who easily makes a fool of himself to make sure others around him are smiling - he's the one with the least hope comforting those with even a prayer of a chance whether it’s Jinyoung, Jonghyun or Samuel.

How is any of this fair?

Minhyun and Jonghyun are practically guarantees at this point, Dongho at least has a shot – but Minki –

“Want to practice now?” He manages to mumble softly. Samuel looks at him through laughs, surprised to find Daehwi’s face is completely emotionless.

“Uh - you okay? You look kinda -” Samuel tries to make him laugh, rubbing his face as Daehwi shrugs.

He’s really not - the idea that Choi Minki's star is on it's way to being snuffed out is making him feel entirely too uncomfortable. He also can’t really say anything to Samuel. Minki’s worked so hard to make him smile that Daehwi would feel guilty if he’s the one responsible for making Samuel’s smile falter again.

For the rest of the day, Guanlin and Seonho dance Troublemaker constantly, Jonghyun and Youngmin throw rap verses at each other and Sungwoon and Dongho fool around.

But Daehwi?

He’s so focused on perfecting the Super Hot center choreography that he spends much of the night ignoring everything around him. He doesn't even stop to eat until Minki and Youngmin haul him off to the cafeteria forcefully and Woojin, who comes over to eat with Hyeongsub, reminds him that Donghyun asked them to work hard - not starve.

He has to be grateful. He has to stand out. He has to make it to the final group letting everyone out there know that it isn't going to be just luck on his side - though there's obviously a little of that for all the 11 trainees who will make it. Otherwise trainees like Donghyun would still be here.

The memory of Donghyun's face reminds him to push himself harder.

When they’re finally all showered and in bed, Daehwi bides his time. Today has been both physically and emotionally exhausting.

Five minutes pass.

Ten minutes pass.

The itch builds as he turns to the stairs and changes his mind. He can still hear Samuel clicking away on his phone but who the guy is texting Daehwi has absolutely no idea. He needs to wait longer.

By the time everyone's fallen asleep almost forty minutes have passed and he's running on pure adrenaline, climbing down the ladder in hasty quick movements that surprise even himself.

He’s making a habit of this.

It’s a bad habit to have. He knows that. Being reliant on coming back to Dongho every night is the stupidest thing he's ever let himself do and that includes running to him in the middle of practice to essentially yell at him.

He can’t really bring himself to care.

This time there’s no staring at Dongho and no polite checking to see if his boyfriend is even awake. Daehwi throws all caution to the wind as he manually moves Dongho over, almost forcefully entering the older man’s bed.

Unfortunately, this means he has literally scared the living bejeezus out of his boyfriend by crawling into his bottom bunk. “What the-“ Dongho pushes himself back instinctively as Daehwi wraps his arms quickly over Dongho’s torso.  He doesn’t say a word but thankfully, Dongho throws the covers over him anyways. At least, he’s not being kicked out. “Daehwi, what are you doing here?” Dongho's whispers sound breathless, hazy and it makes his heart twist in his chest.

He can’t really say anything. He doesn’t really want to say anything.

All he knows is he's not okay and he doesn't know where else to go.

So he presses a soft kiss to the hollow of the older man’s neck, Dongho’s body stiffening in his grasp as he breathes in the scent of the man beside him.

It stays continually silent as Dongho pulls his head upwards, insistent that Daehwi cannot hide from his question despite his best efforts. Daehwi gulps back the ball in his throat as he pulls himself forward to press his lips to Dongho's quickly before retracting again into his boyfriend's chest.

He can’t really tell Dongho what’s wrong today either and all he really wants is to feel lost again. It's the tiniest of actions but he hopes Dongho understands. Nothing has really stopped him before from asking Dongho for whatever it is that he wants openly but today – he’s feeling strange. Today, he wants to use him to forget and it feels a little wrong.

Dongho’s hands pull their way to under his chin and thankfully, Daehwi doesn’t have to say more as their mouths connect, finding each other in the darkness. Daehwi’s fingers itch to twist themselves into something – anything. They scatter directionless, finally latching onto Dongho's shirt to pull the older man to him roughly. His grip on the shirt is so tight, he hears a stretch of fabric that sounds like a tear. A Daehwi in his senses would back away, maybe even apologize but right now it feels like this shirt is the only lifeline he has on board.

Dongho distracts him by running a hand down his side, trying to soften his frantic kiss. “Daehwi-“ He really doesn’t want to talk today so Daehwi muffles Dongho’s mouth with his tongue, running it across the inside of Dongho's lower lip. Dongho shudders against him and stubborn and insistent as Daehwi is, he isn't quite able to stop Dongho from pulling back. “Seriously, aren’t you tired? Why aren’t you sleeping already? You danced like an animal today.”

He doesn’t have a clue what’s been running through his head all day – he doesn’t understand that Daehwi’s been feeling like a mess since last night because right now it feels like luck isn't really on their side. “I’ll leave eventually, I swear. I don’t want to give Jonghyun a heart attack either – but can’t I just stay for a bit?”

The tension wrapped around his heart eases when Dongho kisses the crown of his head. “Of course, stay as long as you want.” Daehwi digs his face into Dongho’s shirt, the scent of the other man’s freshly showered body lulling him into sense of false security. “You did really well today. I’m not even trying to flatter you. You’re a really good performer Daehwi.” 

“Thanks.” He mumbles as Dongho snickers. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. I was just thinking about how well you suit Super Hot’s image.”

“You mean I’m cute?” Daehwi yelps when he feels Dongho’s fingers tickle his sides, an unwilling smile forced onto his face. “Can you stop?”

“Stop what?” The innocence in Dongho’s gaze is so obviously fake that Daehwi can’t help but snort.

“Yah – be careful or I’ll retaliate too-“ Daehwi sinks his head into the corner where Dongho’s long neck meets the first point of his shoulders. His hand floats over Dongho’s chest till it settles on his left side, the pump of Dongho’s heart timing his every breath in counts of four. It’s the smallest of reminders that yes he’s a talented performer but he’s good at more than just dancing, singing and being a puppet to the masses. 

Their moment of peace is shortlived because his boyfriend is a bit of an asshole. Daehwi feels the persistent tickle right under his left rib again. This time, he bites down on the flesh beside him making Dongho groan almost noisily till Daehwi pulls his head away and muffles his mouth, laughing. He really didn't expect that reaction. “Yo – can you stop? Pervert.”

He laughs at Dongho’s indignated acting. He really is a horrible actor. Even when he’s fooling around. It’s just as well – Daehwi prefers knowing how Dongho feels. He prefers it when Dongho’s easy to read. “I’m the pervert?! I just tickled you, you’re the one who's out here giving people hickeys -”

“It’s not like anyone will get to see that one. They cover most of you up because of your tattoos.” The skin on Dongho’s neck is remarkably soft given the prickly nature of his chin in general and Daehwi feels himself press a kiss to the tightly stretched skin. Dongho practically twists under him to pull away from his tight grip. That’s probably a very smart idea. “Dongho-“

“Yes, Daehwi?” Daehwi’s eyes stay on his boyfriend’s face, eyes closed, the sound of sleep taking him away.

He wants to say something. He has to say something. He has to let him know.

And yet, the words stay fixed on his lips.

In the end, because he can’t say anything he places one kiss on each of Dongho’s eyelids before he pulls his head back into his boyfriend’s shirt as Dongho’s chin settles on top of him. “Thank you for making me feel like one of the luckiest people here.”

“Daehwi, you haven’t even won yet. When that happens – it sure as hell won’t be because of me.” Dongho laughs, his fingers rubbing soft circles of calm into Daehwi’s back. “Besides, I should be the one thanking you.”

Sleep pulls him in as he lets out a breath, nails gripping to Dongho’s shirt as he holds him steady. “Why?” He mumbles.

His dreams take him away before he can hear Dongho’s response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame Jhene Aiko/The Weeknd for the mood of this chapter tbh. *I don't mean to - I don't mean to - I don't mean toooooooo but I loveeeeee youuuuuuuu - seriously go listen to The Worst by Jhene Aiko it's bomb*
> 
> Also - angst happened this chap - sorry TT.TT


	20. Little Whispers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to my wondah-ful amazingly talented crazy beautiful Lee Daehwi <3 
> 
> Here's to being one step closer to world domination <3(Somi/Daehwi subunit would take over the freaking world)
> 
> (also by Korean time I'm a bit late with this upload TT.TT)
> 
> Also I am very very pleased to report that I actually have a shit tonne of updates written for LI finally (bc I wanted to see how I'd flesh out the story and I can finally say I'm in a decent spot bc of the amazing [jxxhyxns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jxxhyxns/pseuds/jxxhyxns). Thank you for listening to me rant and actually helping me think through so much it's bc of her I can even confidently update and move this story along <3)
> 
> And lastly - I edited this late at night and need to be up for work T.T so - cut a homie some grammar/typo slack
> 
> also also - (god lilli just shut up and let them read - ) THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE <3 (this story has 100 bookmarks omg o.o and 900+ kudos - i'm sitting here in a pool of my own tears like Aron T.T)

Daehwi doesn’t really want to wake up.

Especially not to the sound of aggressive whispers laced with part desperation and part hilarity.

What he wants to wake up to is soft sleepy sighs echoing in his ears and the play of fingers skating on his hips like he’s an instrument whose music is spoken to Dongho’s audience until all that surrounds them is the sound of their laughter.

That’s how he wants to wake up.

“You wake him up then!”

These words come from the warm body beside him, the one whose arms he can turn over in until he’s pressed directly into a frame that just can’t shake him off.

That's on purpose. The less he hears Dongho and this other person talk about him like he’s not right there – the better.

In his half delirious state, he's managed to convince himself that if he continues to pretend he can’t hear a thing then he will get to wake up exactly the way he wants to.

“Excuse me?!” Ah - the other voice belongs to Jonghyun. It's unfortunate how often Daehwi's heard the pleasant tone of Jonghyun's voice shrouded in stress and worry. He barely remembers a normal sounding Jonghyun, the closest memory of that being Minhyun dancing over Jonghyun's head in the NEVER practice room until the Nu'est leader was forced to burst out laughing. “You wake him up! You’re the one who is literally sleeping right beside him!”

Thankfully, in their mission to wake him up, the two overly stubborn Nu'est members are unable to see Daehwi's already half awake. “Well, yeah but shouldn’t you wake him up? You’re the one who wants to be an ass. All Daehwi is doing is just sleeping here - just let him rest. He’s been so exhausted dancing like a freaking maniac.” Daehwi feels his lips roll into his mouth, a failed attempt at keeping the smug smile off his face.

It's kind of nice to hear Dongho fight to keep him there.

It's nicer to hear him say things he thinks Daehwi can't hear.

Since Daehwi can't really hide what he looks like, he pushes his face further into Dongho's chest, curling tightly around the body in front of him. 

It’s fine since Dongho still thinks he’s sleeping right - ?

“Dear god, Dongho –  just get Daehwi up already – he looks like a koala now -“ Poor Jonghyun. Poor poor Jonghyun. Well, sucks to be Jonghyun - he's not going anywhere.

Despite the fact this is the most anti-lullaby he’s ever had the pleasure of hearing, his eyes are growing heavy again after pretending to be asleep for so long.

He’s just about to doze off when Choi Minki’s surprisingly gruff voice calls out. “If you think Daehwi’s actually been able to sleep through your conversation you’re both way dumber than I thought. Lee Daehwi's definitely awake right now." Oh shit, he's been caught "Daehwi – come on, get up. No person smiles like that in their sleep.”

Daehwi winks one eye open and giggles nervously when he takes in the expressions of the three Nu’est members surrounding him.

Minki raises an eyebrow as he gestures vaguely to where Daehwi’s arms are still locked over Dongho’s torso.

Oh, right.

Getting up would involve actually letting go of Dongho, wouldn’t it?

He turns to remove himself from his boyfriend but he's struck completely silent by Dongho’s laughs. “I told you not to stay over.” Daehwi wants to respond but now that he's actually looking at Dongho he's caught off-guard by how happy he looks.

He's never seen Dongho look this happy with him ever. It's like they aren't the main characters on a T.V. show that's a little too real and fake at the same time, like they aren't years apart, like they aren't anything more than just two people whose hands are holding onto each other desperately under the covers hidden from everyone else's eyes.

Thankfully, he's able to continue staring dumbly at his boyfriend because Jonghyun responds for him. “Oh, god. I really don’t need to hear any of this.” The Nu'est leader starts pacing around the room.

It's a small blessing that none of them really need to worry about Samuel. He’s out like a light if the snore coming from his bunk is any indication.

Not that any of this would even matter to Samuel anyways. This is far from scandalous enough for his best friend's brain.

Daehwi knows.

He’s seen things on Samuel’s phone.

Too many things.

A shudder runs through him as he involuntarily separates himself from the solid form beside him, clearing his throat uncomfortably.

Grateful for this action, Jonghyun’s lungs start to shift at a more realistic pace again. The risk of a heart attack is minimal for the time being which means Dongho's safe from Minhyun for now.

Dongho’s head is leaning against his left hand, raised slightly over Daehwi's own face as he raises an eyebrow up, challenging the Nu’est members across from him. “Daehwi – I know it seems like a joke but I think they want you to actually leave this bed – not just stop hugging me."

Oh. God. 

Daehwi's flushing now as he quickly sits up, still actually on Dongho’s bed. “I’m up. I’m up! I swear- I didn’t mean to cause any trouble.” He looks towards Jonghyun with an apology that doesn’t quite reach his eyes sincerely enough because the Nu’est leader is shaking his head like he doesn’t really know what else to say. 

Okay, so his half-hearted apology is not very convincing. He can agree with that. Daehwi does like causing trouble. “Think before you act, Daehwi.”

“Don’t encourage him.” Dongho groans. “Daehwi thinks too much already.”

Minki shrugs. “Look – the two of you do what you want. We don’t care -”

Jonghyun immediately interrupts Minki. “That's not true! Don't listen to this person. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I care. We care. All of us care - very very much.”

Minki is still shaking his head to completely discount the Nu’est leader’s statement. On the other hand, Jonghyun is nodding so emphatically, Daehwi’s actually scared for his neck.

At the end of the day, Daehwi has no idea what he’s actually supposed to do as his id and superego manifest themselves in the form of Dongho’s best friends. “Uh – do they normally give you this contradictory brand of advice?” He questions Dongho not quite able to turn around and look away from the still disagreeing Nu'est leader and maknae.

“Oh, trust me. This isn’t even that bad – normally Aron’s lighting something on fire and Minhyun’s slowly managed to rope all of us up into a hug that no one asked for. I’m the only sane person in this group. It’s why I’m never at home. Nu'est is a business relationship, didn't you know Daehwi?”

"The hell?!" Both Minki and Jonghyun snort in unison as they lean over pointedly to hit Dongho on his legs and head.

Saved from the assault, Daehwi finds himself laughing into his hands. "That wasn't even funny - any one of us here can tell the four of you are unhealthily close to each other." 

Minki claps his hands together to bring their attention back on him. “Hi – yes. It's great we're talking about how well I get along with these sub-par losers - but Daehwi, you’re the only one with an unhealthy closeness to anyone right now. Please, get off Dongho's bed and back into yours before Jonghyun ACTUALLY pees his pants –“

Instantly, Jonghyun has pushed Minki roughly on the shoulders for speaking out of turn. “That was one time. You put my hands in water while I was sleeping in Japan which by the way was REALLY messed up of you –“

Samuel groans from the bed finally waking because of the rising noise level in their room.  “Hyung – you have bladder problems?”

Daehwi cracks up laughing as he looks between everyone in the room. The two Nu’est members at his front are still waiting for him to shift off Dongho’s bed and Samuel -

Okay to be fair, Samuel’s gone back to snoring. He’s probably not waiting for anything. Hell, Samuel's probably not going to remember a thing later. “Sorry, sorry- I’m moving I’m moving.” Daehwi bows his head apologetically and Jonghyun nods thankfully.

Minki teasingly lifts him up towards the bunk beds as he continues his conversation with Jonghyun. “In all honesty Jonghyun-ah, Dongho’s the one who dared me to put your hand in water -“

Jonghyun turns to Dongho with a look of betrayal so deep, Daehwi almost doesn’t believe it’s about a prank. Dongho immediately launches into an apologetic spiel. “Jonghyun-ah, Minki forgot to tell you the part where he literally drove the rest of us mad by asking how to prank you in a private group chat. You should be happy he chose mine – Minhyun wanted to put Sriracha sauce in your boxers so -” Daehwi peeks over the bunk bed frame and sees Dongho roll his eyes at Minki.

Jonghyun looks even more appalled. “Minhyun would never suggest that!"

“Dude - that was a really weak attempt to save yourself.” Minki wiggles his eyebrows at Dongho who is scowling.

“Shut up, you little snitch.”

Minki scoffs back, pulling a hand up to Dongho’s face. “Whatever, you crazy bitch.” That rouses a smile from Dongho as he pushes Minki’s hand back. The two start what can only be described as some sort of weird hand fighting ritual.

“I’m getting a headache. Should have just chosen Hands on Me when I had the chance –“ Jonghyun harrumphs while both the other Nu'est members roll their eyes.

Minki folds his arms over his chest, shaking his head. "Dude, you need to let that go."

"Yeah - I mean - just because we're not as attractive as Minhyun - " Dongho starts.

"Speak for yourself - I'm the best looking one in this group - " 

Jonghyun's headache has only intensified. "Can you both shut up and listen to yourselves?! I'm asking you to try to be more mature -"

“I’m trying to be more mature!" Daehwi interrupts as Jonghyun shakes his head.

"No you - you start acting immature - like you should be - at your age -"

"You sure you want Daehwi to be immature?" Dongho wiggles his eyebrows, doing nothing to calm their frantic leader's heart. Jonghyun pushes his head into his hands mumbling for forgiveness for whatever sins he may have committed in a previous life to be in this position today. "We're only joking, Jonghyun - please relax."

"Yeah, I promise I’ll do my best in the future to not let you pee your pants hyung –”

“I never actually peed in my pants! Minki forgot it needed to be cold water - he just succeeded in burning my hand!” Daehwi yawns, closing his eyes momentarily to find that when they're open all three of the Nu'est members in his room have situated themselves by his face again. 

He leans back from the bed frame protectively when he sees Dongho’s face bloom into a smile and come closer to him. 

Minki scoffs to the back. “I blame Lee Daehwi – this is all his fault. He’s got princess here acting like a lovesick puppy.”

Daehwi fakes an exaggerated yawn, rolling over himself so he can shove his hand in Minki’s face, jokingly pushing him away.

Immediately, Dongho and Jonghyun laugh as Minki reaches to flick Daehwi’s forehead. To protect Daehwi from the Nu’est maknae, Jonghyun pulls Minki’s wrist towards their bedroom door. “You know what? I actually do need to pee. Let's go, Minki-yah.”

“I KNEW YOU HAD TO PEE – why do I have to come with you? I don’t need to pee! I bet you didn’t make Minhyun come with you everywhere when you two were stuck working together? Why wasn’t I just born a bit earlier man – what the hell is this hierarchial torture? I’m not down -” Minki’s voice flows out the door until there’s only silence left in the room again.

Daehwi winks one of his eyes open to see Dongho shaking his head lightly towards the door, smile still glued to his lips. Daehwi feels the already weakened breath in his lungs hitch as Dongho’s hands come over to knot themselves into his hair.

“Good morning.” Dongho’s words come out low and soft like he's being careful to not wake Samuel again. 

Daehwi gulps back the ball in his throat. Truth be told, right now, he’s not very motivated to stay alone in his bed either.

Minki and Jonghyun are gone, Samuel is sleeping and the first rays of sunlight pouring through the windows have transformed Dongho’s eyes into this magnificent shade of amber that reminds him that as amusing as this morning had been –

It’s not how he wanted to wake up.

And maybe - if he's just a little bit more pushy - he can wake up the way he wants to -

Daehwi turns his face into the pillow, his stupidly embarrassing smile kept to himself.

He should at least try to keep his promise to Minki and Jonghyun. “Good morning.” He mumbles back. 

The minutes tick by slowly until they’re settled into a comfortable silence that has Dongho’s fingers worming their way in and out of his hair.

After a while, he feels Dongho’s hands wander away and immediately wants to mouth a wordy protest when he’s greeted by the sight of Dongho throwing on his familiar black sweatshirt over a thin white T-shirt.

It’s time to go back to reality, isn’t it?

His boyfriend makes quick work of setting up the mic equipment on his frame, robotic and familiar. He makes his exit completely unaware of the way Daehwi’s eyes follow him out.

Daehwi lets out a breath.

Good - he feels exhausted despite the fact that he's done nothing at all yet.

He may actually fall asleep now that it’s just Samuel left in the room with him.

Apparently, Samuel has other ideas. “Wow. Man, you actually did it.” Daehwi’s eyes widen as he lifts his head straight up to see Samuel leaning on his elbows. He's looking at him through what can only be described as the rat’s nest he normally keeps hidden behind his baseball hats. “Don’t get me wrong. I could tell something was up based on how you guys were acting in the practice room but like – this is like – a thing –” Samuel should have expected the pillow sailing through the air to hit him.  “I am so offended that you tried to hit me right now when all I’m trying to do is be supportive of my clingy best friend especially since he’s not clinging to me now –”

Samuel's words make him want to get up and crawl over to his best friend’s bed so he can cling to a different sort of comfort and tell him everything.

How he’s never been happier.

How he’s never been sadder.

How he’s never been more worried or anxious about anything in the world.

He settles for a sleepily mumbled, “Shut up, loser.”

“Good job, wimp.”

Screw it – Daehwi’s throwing his blanket over to hit that idiot in the face too.

 

 

 

Today's practice has gone rather swimmingly.

Or at least Daehwi felt like it did until he heard a nervously mumbled “Kang Dongho –“ reach his ears. 

His heart lurches up into his throat. Immediately, his eyes twist and turn with his head to where Dongho and Minki are harmonizing together.

There’s another stage hand coming into their practice room. This one looks scared as she bows her head towards Dongho.

“Yes?” Dongho mumbles back. He stands up of his own accord and Daehwi feels his lips roll inwards. “It’s okay – let’s go.” The stage hand hadn't said anything so why did Dongho automatically assume that he needed to go somewhere with her?

His eyes practically drop out of his head as he tries his best to chase after Minki's fixed gaze to no avail. 

Samuel taps him on the shoulder when he’s stuck staring a little too closely at Dongho’s overly friendly smile at the stage hand. “Dude – don’t be so jealous –“

“I’m not jealous!” He whispers a little harsher than he’d intended. He really isn't - he knows that's not what this is about. “Why is he leaving with a stage hand?”

“Uh – I don’t know – questions? Family emergency? Han CEO is here? Kahi noona brought him Jokbal? Could be a shit ton of things. Get your mind off it. The stage hand didn't ask for you, did she?”

No, she didn't. Daehwi could get his mind off it. Realistically - it probably has nothing to do with him. 

And he'd feel more assured feeling that way if Dongho actually told him why it is that he's getting pulled away from practice for no apparent reason. 

Jonghyun’s gruff tone does more to get his mind off the situation than Samuel’s half worded excuses. “Samuel’s right. Daehwi, stop being focused on anything other than practicing – do you want to be center or not?”

“Of course I do.” Daehwi's response rings in ruder than he'd intended. Surprisingly, this only makes Jonghyun smile at him from under his fringe.

“Then start acting like it."

“Hyung I’m right here – why don’t you ever give me such loving advice? I want to be center too!” Samuel pouts as Jonghyun laughs his adorably awkward giggle at his dongsaeng's attempt at weak aegyo. “Actually, we have one thing we need to ask you –“

“Yes?” Jonghyun huffs as he looks between Daehwi and Samuel like he'd really rather not answer anything these two troublemakers have come up with. 

Daehwi knows both Samuel and Jonghyun are trying in their own weak way to get his mind off the fact that Dongho's not actually in this room and he listens to their conversation passively unable to actually get himself out of his head. “What’s your favourite cake flavour?” Jonghyun immediately walks away, hands over his ears as Samuel yells out. “Youngmin hyung, can you please get it out of him?”

When Daehwi turns to look at Youngmin he’s surprised to find the Brand New leader is looking at him first. Youngmin's eyes are pensive and confused as he nods weakly to Samuel before jumping to his feet to follow Jonghyun and accost him with questions on sweetness, vanilla and chocolate. (Jonghyun’s answer, surprisingly, is fruit and custard)

Daehwi steadies his breathing as he looks back to the mirror and tries to roll his arms in time with the body wave. “Samuel –“

“Yeah?”

“I’m still –“ Samuel’s eyes soften in the mirror as he swipes his hand across his mouth. Daehwi stops himself from saying more, head hanging from his neck so he can hide his expression from the cameras.

He hates that all he can see right now is Dongho’s smile from this morning melting into the one he had on his face as he walked out with the stage hand.  “Daehwi – try to relax. There’s going to be bigger things to worry about later. The dance evaluations are happening soon and we’ll have to select our center and go to the recording – perform – probably do more fan-service videos – actually figure out where we go from here -”

He knows that.

Everyone who has made it to top 20 knows that.

Still, hearing their activities out loud in a list makes his throat close up uncomfortably, blocking the passage of air so Daehwi actually has to take large gasps of air to feel like he's getting any oxygen at all.

This is what he wants. He wants to be the focus of their world. He wants to shine brighter than anyone else. He wants to scream his lungs out in an auditorium that glitters like diamonds just for him –

But he also wants the safety of the dark, of mumbled little whispers of affection and the guard of a frame so strong that he’s sure nothing in this world can ever break through and hurt him.

 _If he stays, Daehwi. If he stays, by your side. You can’t have it all you know._ His brain mischievously breaks through his thoughts, making him still as he glances up at his reflection.

He forces a smile on. His smile is a little less perfect than the one he saw moments ago on Dongho’s face. He’s had less practice at faking smiles.

One day, maybe he’ll look natural doing that too.

He turns his brain off and lets his feet take care of the rest of his worries.

It’s not like he can do anything, anyways.

As soon as the thought enters his mind, it’s followed by another.

The tone of this thought leaves him biting down on his tongue to make sure he doesn’t say it out loud.

It’s not like Dongho trusts him enough to tell him anything, anyways.

 

 

Tonight is decidedly different. Tonight, even if Daehwi's heart is scattered, he will find no assurance in Dongho's arms.

For one, Dongho had crashed into his bed and fallen asleep the instant they'd entered the bedroom.

And almost purposefully, Kim Jonghyun has decided that today is the day he's going to stay awake beyond reasonable measure. All Daehwi can hear from his side of the room is the low sounds of a mobile game as their leader taps his fingers away on the screen.

As wonderful as the idea of crawling over to Dongho’s bed is, despite Jonghyun’s presence, Daehwi will refrain.

Today, Jonghyun really wouldn't have much to worry about. All Daehwi wants is to talk to Dongho and make sure everything is okay. “When are you going to bed?”

Jonghyun turns to look at him with a smile on his face, one eyebrow raised up as he continues to fiddle on his phone. “Never.”

Daehwi almost snorts loud enough to wake up the others in their room.

Jonghyun said it like he was singing their song. “It’s pretty amazing isn’t it? It's still charting and it’s completely unpromoted.”

Jonghyun nods, a faint smile on his face that finds its way onto Daehwi’s own. Never really was one of the best teams he’s ever been on and the taste of that success and what harmony is supposed to look like reminds him that this future is actually something that he wants. “It’s a very good song, Daehwi. We were lucky.”

“Were we? We didn’t win.” He jokes.

“We won, Daehwi. Just because our win doesn’t follow Produce101’s definition of winning doesn’t mean that we’re not winners.” The advice is remarkably sage as Daehwi leans over the ledge to look below him to where one of the real winners of that mission is snoring away. “Can I ask you something? Why’d you do it?”

“Do what?” He mumbles back, his eyes floating back to Jonghyun’s form reluctantly. Jonghyun shrugs wordlessly but gestures his head towards Dongho. Right. Jonghyun wouldn’t be stupid enough to ask the actual question on camera. “I was – frustrated.” At that, Jonghyun smiles, eyes shut tightly before he giggles to himself softly.  “What?”

“Nothing – I get that. That’s all. He can be pretty frustrating." Understanding only all too well what Jonghyun means, Daehwi finds himself laughing along. He only covers his mouth with his hands so he doesn’t wake up the other three sleeping members. “Daehwi, if it’s okay with you I’m going to step out for a bit – but seriously just do what I’m asking you to do today, okay? I know you don’t really need to be listening to me-”

He feels himself flush as he shakes his head quickly to correct Jonghyun’s misconception which in all honesty isn’t a total misconception. “I really wasn’t feeling all that good yesterday. Hearing Minki hyung and Samuel talk about Seventeen and Punch was a bit too much for me – and then – I couldn’t stand the idea that you guys are going to be separated at the end of this – and I’ve already lost Donghyun –“ Jonghyun raises his eyebrows as he looks at Daehwi blinking with such a lack of expression that it makes Daehwi want to slow down and retract his words. “It’s just getting to me a bit, I guess.” He slips softly. “It’s this system of doing things. I think it’s messing with my mind. It’s making me think differently from when I first started here. I never used to care about what happened to anyone else. I just wanted to make it. It used to feel simple being here.”

Jonghyun continues to blink at him.

Enough time passes that Daehwi feels remarkably stupid for admitting his feelings to Kim Jonghyun who comforts no one.

That’s not his job. He’s not good at providing reassurance.

What Kim Jonghyun is good at is remarkably better than what coddling or cuddling would do to comfort a heart in chaos.

Jonghyun is good at seeing the source of people's problems in an instant, always at the ready with his ultimate cure. Today, it's Daehwi's turn to swallow the bitter pill of motivation with a side of the hard truth.

“It’s not just you.” Jonghyun bows his head, face hidden behind his hair. “It’s getting harder to perform because – it’s getting harder to perform. Not all of us are strong enough to walk out there on stage with a smile when the time comes. This show is as much of a test on your mental stability as it is on your talent, Daehwi.” Jonghyun's eyes glance over to Minki tellingly as he looks at Daehwi with a smile on his face. “Want to hear a secret?”

“Wow – on camera?” His joke falls flat as Jonghyun comes over to flick his head playfully, zipping on the windsheater over his clothes.

He doesn’t need it, Jonghyun’s already in this overly large white sweatshirt that makes him look like the angel the internet says he is. “We bet on Minhyun. All of five of us, collectively, decided he’s the best of us. Minhyun is who we want to get all the way to the top. It’s why we let him walk into the studios first. If nothing else, we figured that cut would at least make the first episode.”

“Was that a secret?” Daehwi jokes as Jonghyun laughs shaking his head.

“No, I guess that isn’t really a secret. Do you know why we decided on him?” He shakes his head as Jonghyun grins proudly. “Minhyun is someone whose mind can’t be shaken, Daehwi. His ability to move past shit is remarkable. Min hates crying, Min hates overwhelming emotions, Min is driven, focused – relentless.” Jonghyun snickers to himself, closing his eyes with the sort of fond smile on his face that registers in Daehwi’s mind as something he hasn’t quite seen on Jonghyun’s face ever. “He understands what people need to see and hear before they are willing to listen to him. He’s good at changing the way people think too. He’s so good at it that you have three Nu’est members sleeping in the same bedroom as you instead of where they were before this show. Back in the houses that they used to call their homes before they even knew that this idol thing was a dream made for them.” Daehwi’s eyes widen as Jonghyun laughs again. “Don’t look so shocked – Minki mentioned it before-“

“He said you guys disbanding was something that could happen in the future - I didn’t think it had actually happened – it was just media play to come here, right?" Daehwi's words trail off as he takes a deep breath, glancing reflexively at the other two sleeping Nu’est members in their room.

Dongho’s soft snoring has continued and Minki’s still as a bird which is a fair indicator of his restful sleep but –

Samuel who is normally a shifty mess in bed is eerily quiet.

“Don’t dwell on that. That’s the past. That’s when I couldn’t do anything to fix the problem. All I could see was the little stuff, Daehwi. Minhyun saw something bigger. He's always been the visionary in the group. He saw the world in Kyulkyung’s and Nayoung’s arms. He wanted that for us. So he didn’t stop till he got the world around us to agree with him that we deserved this chance to save ourselves just as much as all of you. Even if no one wanted us here, he wanted us here and he was going to make damn certain we all had a shot. So we believed in him. He’s our pick. The reason I’m telling you all of this is because I don’t want you to focus on the little things. Out there – it’s worse than it is in here.” Jonghyun lets out a shaky breath, rubbing his head like he’s trying to lose the memories that have been embedded in his mind for years now. “People will say a lot of things about you, deal you disadvantages for stupid reasons like you’re not part of any of the big agencies, or your forehead is too big, or that you’re just not as successful as some other less talented individual. So don’t let the little whispers into your mind until they become screams.”

“So what am I supposed to do instead?” 

“Be like Minhyun - think bigger. This is a micro-ecosystem of what it's like in the real entertainment industry. It's actually not that bad in here." Jonghyun's words leave him tilting his head sideways. "You’re a good singer, right?”

“Yes?” Jonghyun walks over to the door bowing his head lightly, leaving Daehwi thoroughly confused. "How does that help?"

"Sing, Daehwi. Sing louder. Sing so loudly that you never hear anything other than the sound of yourself." Jonghyun lets out a breath as he nods to himself. "That's how you get to make sure that the little whispers never get to you. Scream before they have a chance to take over and become screams themselves." 

Daehwi gulps as he sees Jonghyun make a move to leave. He feels incredibly alone with the words Jonghyun has left him with- and he wonders if that's because all this time Jonghyun has felt that way too. "That's how you win this game?"

Jonghyun laughs as he shuts the door. "Yes, Daehwi. That's how you win this game."


	21. Better for the Frame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chant with me - 'LeeYoo CAM! LeeYoo CAM! LeeYoo CAM!'
> 
> NOTE: I have taken a lot of liberties with 'LeeYoo CAM! LeeYoo CAM! LeeYoo CAM!'. Hopefully, the story and the canon stay compliant enough that I pulled it off and you guys aren't totally disturbed by it! *brapbrapbrapbrap*
> 
> As usual - first update will likely have grammars/typos that I will cry about and then fix as I read over them TT.TT

The morning is already off to a promising start.

Well, as promising as it could be considering Daehwi's training his ass off to become part of an idol group of 11 with no assurance that he'll actually make it - but you know at least the staff pulled him aside early to pass over a pair of handheld video cameras that he's supposed to use to catapult _Super Hot_ to viral super stardom.

Or you know – at least get a few PANN posts up about them.

“I’m not going to be just a camera man, right?” Seonho’s looking at him worried as he takes the second hand held camera from his hands.

Daehwi placates the taller kid with the comforting hand of an all-knowing hyung.

At least, he’s hoping that’s what it feels like. “Don’t you trust me?”

“I’m serious. I want camera time too hyung-“ Sure, who doesn't want camera time? Daehwi knows he’s been pretty ambitious and greedy for his chance to shine on camera but he’s learned the importance of sharing attention on the sets of Produce101.

Here, breaking bread with the right person makes more of an impact than saccharine words passed to producers for more attention. It's the entire reason 5/6 of the Sorry Sorry team has made it to the final stage. “Relax - I’ll make sure both of us have ample camera time. That’s why there’s two cameras, dummy. Want to talk to Samuel, first?”

“Sure sure – “ Seonho flips the camcorder open excitedly, pointing it at Samuel. “Choreographer-nim! Can we interview you?!”

Samuel looks like he's anything but enthusiastic - in fact Daehwi's tempted to run far far away because Samuel looks like he’s about to give them both a stern talking to for bringing a distraction into his practice room. “Yoo Seonho. You think you have time to slack off? Your moves aren’t clean at all!” Jesus- what the hell was in his breakfast? Daehwi’s never seen his friend this stressed. “We have the dance review soon with Kahi sunbaenim – and we HAVE TO impress her okay? She’s the one who taught me all my basics way back and if I don’t pull my weight as the choreographer - “ Daehwi pulls Samuel down on the ground beside him. “What?!”

A wayward drop of Samuel’s spit lands on Daehwi’s cheek making both of them look at each other in shock.

“First of all, ew. I cannot.” His best friend has the shame to look apologetic as Daehwi wipes at his cheek cringing. “Second of all, keep your cooties to yourself -”

“MAYBE - you should take your own advice -” He claps a hand over Samuel's mouth laughing nervously at the camera that's still recording all of this. Okay, so maybe he shouldn’t be mean to Samuel.

The guy has way too much blackmail material on him. He'll just have to slowly plot his best friend's murder - totally normal. Precautions are 100% required. “Why are you such a snake?”

“Takes one to know one.” Samuel winks at him and Daehwi purposefully scrunches his face together with a little more comical effort than required so Samuel can turn the same expression on him. 

Seonho snickers too which leaves the other boys confused and turning to each other to confirm that neither of them has told Seonho a thing.

After all, there’s no reason for Seonho to be laughing. He’s not part of this ‘ _inside joke torture’_ thing that Samuel’s been enjoying inflicting on Daehwi entirely too much. Observing their expressions, their little chick explains. “Muel-ah, I actually gave Daehwi the opposite advice. Personally I think he should just get some tongue- ”

“Dude! Dude! Please, _please_ , look at what’s in your hands!” He better just get these interviews started now. The longer he lets these idiots talk on camera the greater the chances are that they’ll get him into trouble with either the producers or his boyfriend. “So Samuel, you shook hands with BoA sunbaenim. Did you OR did you not wash your hands?”

Daehwi’s actually mildly surprised to find his best friend's skin immediately tinges red and Samuel starts smiling like a complete fool. He never knew that Samuel had a thing for their host. Then again – what self-respecting guy here didn’t have at least an unhealthy career crush on her? “Bro – like – sometime this century.”

Samuel's lips roll shyly between his teeth. “Of course, I didn’t wash them that day. Dude - I’m jealous because she actually touched your hair?"

“She touched my hair too!” Seonho perks up from behind the cameras. It’s kind of cute that he can’t help but be so competitive. Daehwi's sure that if Yoo Seonho didn’t have the face of angel, he would have definitely been evil edited by the producers by now.

Samuel’s looking at him pointedly waiting for his response. “Yeah yeah – I didn’t wash my hair either that day. She’s so – “

“Yeah, Daehwi man – she’s like -” Samuel let’s out a sigh as Daehwi sticks his tongue out through his teeth and points at the camera with his head. It’s almost a guarantee that BoA is going to watch this either in private or on finale night with Samuel mere steps away from her blushing like a tomato. “Can you imagine though?”

“Can I imagine what?” Samuel is all swagger and charm with their army of 101 but outside? Daehwi’s certain his level of game is actually quite low.

So, he definitely cannot imagine anything **_actually_** happening between BoA the super star and Kim Samuel the super idiot. “What if she hosted Season 1? Somi AND BoA sunbaenim on the same screen? I’d be all like - can we have a BoA and Somi stage? But then it’s like – who would be center? Even for the nation’s producers – that’s too hard a choice to make -”

Daehwi resists the urge to roll his eyes.

He doesn’t need to look like he has an attitude problem. Korea already has enough reasons to hate him.

He settles for patting Samuel on the back just a little too roughly in the hopes of knocking some sense back into him. “DUDE, you didn’t even know Somi existed until season 1 – so like - ”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t know you existed until now and I care about you!”

“AWW! OH MY GOD!” Daehwi leans over and ruffles Samuel’s huffing head. Is it unfair he’s teasing him with his own tagline? Maybe – but people use Magu Magu on him all the time and he barely even says that compared to Samuel’s commitment to his screen time slogan. “Snake – don't you try and fool me. You only care about me because I know Somi.”

“Yeah? You think we’re only friends because of Somi?” Samuel looks towards the back of the room, a much too mischievous grin on his face as he winks at Daehwi. 

“Okay. Minki's next Seonho, let's go!” Daehwi pulls a befuddled Seonho away from Samuel, who has cracked up on the floor clutching his sides. “Minki-hyung! Will you do our interview?”

“Do Jonghyun too!” Without warning the other boy, Minki grabs Jonghyun by the back of his shirt pulling him away from the conversation he’s having with Youngmin. When Jonghyun turns to glare at Minki, the Nu’est maknae only offers him a blindingly bright smile. “Oh come on – don’t look at me like that. Do Daehwi’s interview! Maybe he’ll make you look a little less boring than you are. Also, babe – do you know that you’ve worn the same cap all freaking season?” Minki brings his hands over to adjust the cap's position but Jonghyun whacks his hands away.

Gritting his teeth together, the Nu'est leader doesn’t comment on Minki’s harsh criticism on his fashion sense being reflective of his personality. “We really need to practice before we show Kahi noona our performance so - why would I do that? No offense, Daehwi.”

“None taken.” Daehwi pipes up happy to move onto someone else but Seonho starts pulling puppy eyes on Kim Jonghyun.

This only makes Jonghyun groan weakly as he tries his best to walk away from the Seonho. This is an impossible task because Seonho is a giant and try as JR may to run away from him - there's nowhere to hide. “Seonho please stop – there’s no benefit to this –“

"But hyunggggggggg - " 

"Okay - I didn't get it before but I get why Minhyun has a hard time saying no to this kid."  Jonghyun continues to groan accosted by two of the prettiest trainees in their group.

There's a tic in Minki's throat as he throws his arms over Jonghyun's shoulders. "You’ll get screen time. I’d say that’s a pretty good benefit.”

“I get enough screen time, thank you very much.”

“Yeah, no thanks to yourself.” Minki rolls his eyes. “I’m here trying to fight for center and shit and you’re out there giving your lines out to the industry babies like its Halloween candy.” Jonghyun waves his hands over Minki’s face to shut him up on camera and Daehwi muffles a laugh. “Daehwi-ah, stop laughing – you’re just as bad as he is.”

“Hey - I didn’t give any of my lines away.” Daehwi fluffs his hair proudly and Minki’s eyes soften looking at him.

“No, you didn't but like Jonghyun, you’re too easy to worry about and too much trouble to love.”

What?

His eyes seek Minki out for an explanation to his words but Minki keeps his gaze fixed to the ground - a defense mechanism that seems built into the very framework of what must make a Nu'est member. 

Fine.

He'll let that slide. He doesn't really want to address that anyways. He can't let the editing team who are inevitably going to see this cam dwell on what Minki said. That's a disaster waiting to happen. “WELL THEN - ARE WE READY?! LeeYoo cam is hard hitting journalism at its finest! We’ll ask tough questions here so be prepared sunbaenims! This is no Weekly Idol! What makes Nu’est tick? What is Choi Minki’s biggest kink? Are the rumors about Aron hyung being part of the Triad true?! Most importantly - are Jonghyun and Minhyun REALLY fated to be?! Seonho – ARE you getting this footage?”

When he turns back to the ‘guests’ Daehwi’s mildly shocked to find Jonghyun has gone completely silent as he looks to the floor.

Oh, right.

Suddenly, he feels incredibly foolish for bringing that question up, even if it was just as a joke to play on everything that’s been said about them online.

“Hey, I got a question. Who’s going to interview you, Daehwi?” Minki laughs riotously when he sees Daehwi choke on air.

“Fine – FINE. I’ll keep the questions light. Minki hyung, let’s do you first. What are character socks to Choi Minki?” Minki can’t hate him for that question. It’s the most boring question he could think of.

“Tame.” Seonho complains from behind the camera. “Character panties – I’ve seen him wear those too – “

“TOO MUCH INFORMATION!”

"Oh yeah - I have many." Seonho teases. 

“Don’t speak.” Minki chastises him. “Honestly, both of you are too mischievous for your own good. Angel leader, please, come do your job. I'm going to Diva out of this interview thank you very much except not.”

Jonghyun looks visibly scared at the idea of being interrogated by Daehwi. “Don’t ask me something embarrassing –“

“Ah okay – how do you feel now that you’re with Dongho and Minki? It’s three Nu’est members on one team!” Jonghyun looks to the side and coughs into his hand. After a few seconds, Daehwi realizes Jonghyun’s waiting for a new question. “Okay then – what is hair loss to Kim Jonghyun?”

This time, Jonghyun’s mouth stretches into a semi-real smile despite the fact that on the other end Seonho is laughing too cruelly.  “I will never slick my hair back again – but it’s really NOT hair loss.”

Might as well help the poor guy clear this up forever. “Jonghyun-hyung isn’t losing hair, everyone. I’ve seen it.”

“Yah this is so boring – we should have just gotten him to answer the question about Minhyun hyung. He’s been avoiding him lately - where's the DRAMA?” Seonho has already started scanning the room for their next victim. “OH – OH – let’s go to Dongho hyung. That’ll be interesting!” Seonho winks all too openly at Daehwi which leaves Jonghyun folding his arms over his chest disapprovingly. “What! Hyung - even if you don't show equal love to all the Nu'est members - we have to –“

Yup, Seonho is a troublemaker through and through. “I swear to god Seonho-ya – have you always been this irritating?”

“Yes. It’s a side effect of literally being spoiled to the bone by my mom - my dad - my teachers - my friends - Guanlin - the company - my dog -” Seonho admits all too honestly, running off towards Dongho who has his headphones plugged into his ears and can’t appear to see what’s going on around him.

Daehwi follows Seonho, turning back towards Jonghyun to assure him that he has no reason to worry but he's surprised to find Jonghyun's already turned away to leave the room. He either wants to avoid looking at this trainwreck of a self-cam or he actually has somewhere else he'd rather be.

Daehwi chooses to believe it's the latter. 

Listening to music, Dongho looks remarkably at peace. He’s leaned against a wall, legs splayed out flat on the floor, fingers tapping against the long wooden panels underneath them.

Daehwi catches the rhythym coasting in the air as he settles down in front of Dongho, elbows on his knees. He wants to do something to announce his presence but he also doesn’t want to scare him -

“HYUNG – interview time!” Seonho, on the other hand, has no such cares and has immediately jumped on top of Dongho’s back and pulled out his headphones.

Well – that’s one way of doing it.

“Interview time?”

“Yup, the staff asked Daehwi to do an interview segment with all the trainees and I’m helping him because everyone else on Super Hot is not funny enough.” Dongho turns to look at him with a smile on his face that makes Daehwi turn away and face the mirror.

He has to successfully pretend he isn’t about to burst into a million pieces on some camera because Dongho flashed him some of his pearly whites.

Unfortunately, this is a very pointless move since it’s a mirror. Dongho can see every facet of his pained expression even if Daehwi isn’t facing him. In fact, in a sickening twist of fate, Daehwi is left stuck watching every frame of expression on their resident bandit's face as he snickers like a little boy. “Sure. Let’s do that. Daehwi’s asking the questions, right?”

“Yup – I am.” Daehwi coughs into his hands, moving back so Seonho’s camera can’t see his face. There’s no way he’ll be able to ask Dongho anything without inevitably looking like a kicked puppy or something much much worse.

“Daehwi – your back is to the camera.” Damn it, Seonho- that’s the freaking point. “You guys should sit side by side in the frame!” He’s about to complain verbally but Seonho literally grabs his hips, pushing him with a surprising amount of strength for someone who is lovingly referred to as a ‘chick’ trainee.

“Yoo Seonho-“

“This is better for the _frame_. Trust your camera man!” Daehwi swears he hears one of the camera men actually filming the scene at large burst out laughing. “And don’t look so stiff! You guys are friends, right?”

Great, just great, Seonho's just making Dongho laugh harder beside him. "Daehwi, are we friends? Really?! I didn't know." 

Daehwi shoots Dongho a look that very clearly tells him to shut the fuck up since he can't say those words out loud.

“Daehwi – put your arm around Dongho hyung.” Is Seonho trying to kill him?!

“Why do I have to do that? I didn’t go grabbing anyone else!” He turns to look at Dongho for some sort of direction on what he should do. After all, grabbing him casually on camera isn't something he can just - do. 

When Daehwi first started the show, he didn’t think there’d be a day when he would be sitting beside Kang Dongho as nervous as this.

Hell, if he was being honest – he thought Dongho would have been eliminated by now. Angry, frustrated, irritating - Kang Dongho had just about been the last person on earth Daehwi had thought would have the ability to leave him as nervous as this.

And yet here they are. With Yoo Seonho trying to force them to get together on camera when they're already together off. 

Dongho’s looking at him expectantly, like he's waiting for Daehwi to make the decision on what to do next.

It turns out there’s no real appropriate way to put his arms around Dongho, so Daehwi’s left grumbling in frustration. “Why are your shoulders so wide?”

“Is that the question I’m supposed to be answering for 'Interview Time'? It’s not very funny.” Dongho’s giggling behind his hand and the expression is so adorable it leaves him huffing.

“Then why are you laughing?” Despite the fact that his heart is hammering away at a million miles an hour, Daehwi finds himself laughing until both of them look like flushed idiots on camera. “It’s been a while right? This 2-shot of us.” When he throws his arm over Dongho’s shoulders, he’s extra careful to keep it slightly raised. After all, it has to look casual and this looks casual, right?

Dongho makes a vague sound at the back of his throat. “It’s been a few hours, I guess.”

Seonho whoops behind the camera. Daehwi immediately runs a hand across his throat, reminding Seonho who's boss here. “What?! What did I say that was wrong?”

“You’re going to get this edited the wrong way – we have that move in the choreo, remember? So we do this all the time - or well - Dongho does it to me - ” Daehwi pulls his hands off Dongho’s shoulders. This is already getting weird. It's just better to not - touch him. “Dongho, please send a letter to Haknyeon-goon.”

Dongho actually looks visibly traumatized by the mention of Haknyeon’s name which makes Daehwi laugh in his mind as Dongho scratches at his blossoming 5 o’clock shadow. “A letter? Why are you making me do something embarrassing like that?”

“Just do it.” There’s plenty of reasons.

1) People like the Jeju boys together, he’s seen it trend on PANN occasionally (Dongho’s not the type of guy who reads internet trash about him but Daehwi is most definitely that type of guy)

2) It’s actually something the Produce team is likely to keep as a cut in this cam which means Dongho will end up on the internet, and then go viral and hopefully join the final group

See! He has a plan!

“Haknyeon-ah, fighting!”

Of course, Dongho is going to ruin his plan. “Why are you so boring –“ Daehwi isn’t able to say anything more because his boyfriend has found the spot right below his left rib which leaves Daehwi breathless in a fit of giggles. Thankfully, he’s able to latch his fingers through Dongho’s until he’s twisted the older man’s hand. “Stop! Tickling! Me! It’s not funny!”

An all too arrogant, smarmy grin forms on Dongho’s mouth as he looks down at their hands. Daehwi immediately lets go, biting his lips when he sees the way Dongho massages his joints. Shit, was he too rough? “I’m so good at making you laugh– so maybe you’re the boring one?” 

Actually, what Dongho is good at isn’t making him laugh – it’s using his weaknesses against him.

It’s only all the more ironic then that Dongho doesn’t know that he is Daehwi’s greatest weakness.

Or maybe he does and he’s pretending to ignore it. That seems more likely.

None of that can be packaged into a camera friendly jibe and gesture. Instead, Daehwi uses his index finger to push at his boyfriend’s shoulder, careful this time with the amount of force he's using. “If you want the questions to get more interesting – we can get them to be more interesting, right Seonho?”

Seonho who has been curiously quiet throughout his interview with Dongho is caught off guard at being called out. “Uh sure – do you need ideas, Daehwi?”

He really doesn’t. He’s using Seonho to make their discussion appear casual. Should he bring the hand back? Maybe he should bring the hand back. When he turns back to Dongho, he’s surprised to find Dongho’s face right by his shoulder. “Do you have something you want to ask me?”

He has a lot of things he wants to ask Dongho.

Mostly that dating him was supposed to make life easy. It was supposed to make things in Daehwi's heart quiet down but – instead things have become worse.

Why have his feelings become as muddled as they have?

Why does he want to run away from the future he’s wanted all his life ?

Why does he feel like his dream can very quickly become a nightmare?

Kang Dongho can give him a lot. Hell, he already has given him a lot - stolen embraces, kisses, inside jokes, a relationship unlike anything he’s ever felt in his all too short life with the other man-

But Kang Dongho cannot give him the answers to these questions.

These are questions that Daehwi has let form in the dark recesses of his mind where he finds himself dancing erratically to the sound of silence.

Right now, on film, he has to settle for something that is a little easier for Dongho to answer. “To Kang Dongho – what is Lee Daehwi?”

“A sore finger?” Seonho and Dongho are both laughing as he groans leaning his head against the wall. Of course, it’s not like he should expect a serious answer. “It’s not, it’s not!” Even as his boyfriend’s saying this, he’s still laughing.

Well, that only leaves one sure way to get Dongho any camera time when this is finally edited. Daehwi throws his hand back over Dongho’s shoulders bringing them closer together. “What are the noona fans in their thirties and forties to Kang Dongho?”

“The reason I am still here.” That is entirely true. Dongho bows his head slightly in gratitude should the cut make it through to the final video before he turns to look at him. “Do you have more questions?”

“Just one -  “ Daehwi puts his camera down, letting a breath loosen from his chest so he doesn’t feel as choked as he does. “Seonho – can we go see Guanlin now? Dongho was so boring. Guanlin will bring us the drama we need.”

“Already on it!” Seonho chirps all too happily which leaves Daehwi entirely confused as he stares after Yoo Seonho’s parting form. That was not the reaction he was expecting.

Daehwi closes his eyes to yawn when a pinch on his arm has him yelping in pain and slapping his boyfriend’s hands away from him. “Yo - now I’m definitely going over to Guanlin –“

“You deserved it." With his half whispered mumbles muffled into his palms, his boyfriend turns back to the music papers that had occupied him before he’d been interrupted.

If Daehwi had a camera, that wasn’t owned by Produce101 or strictly monitored by his agency, then he’d be very tempted to take a picture of Dongho as he is right now – entirely absorbed by the material in front of him.

Could Daehwi be blamed for wanting to disrupt his focus so that Dongho could look at him like that instead? “Uh - I’m better than a sore finger, right?”

“Of course, you are.” Dongho mumbles back, eyes still fixed on the paper before him as he lifts the hand Daehwi had twisted up to the other boy’s face. “You’re a sore hand.” Proud laughter spills from his lips till Dongho finally growls and looks up at him.

Mission accomplished. “Well – if you weren’t such a jerk – “

“Said by the definition of ‘looks can be deceiving’ – “ Dongho snorts, face twisting into pain as he lightly rubs at his hand again. “Remind me not to piss you off. You are freakishly strong.”

"I'm sorry." Daehwi smiles, mostly to himself. He reaches upwards so that both his hands can capture and envelop Dongho’s comically red skin. “For a guy as big as you – you’re a bit of a baby when it comes to pain, huh?” Daehwi moves his palms rhythmically over the older man’s skin, friction bringing blood to the surface of both the older man's hands and his face. Dongho's hand remains frozen, not quite shifting but not quite weak either. It's resolutely rock like in Daehwi’s pliable fingers as they weave inwards, outwards and through the spaces in between. Seconds flutter away from them and Daehwi's hypnotized until he feels Dongho's other hand come on top of his. “Better?”

When Dongho glances up at him, a ball the size of the sun forms in Daehwi’s throat reminding him that there are moments where this type of gesture is acceptable and this is not one of them.

“Better.” It’s only one word.

But when this one word hits him with the full force of Dongho’s gaze, Daehwi feels like he's the one who has to look away.

Even if this word sounds exactly like what he’s been dying to hear spoken from the other man’s lips first.

He nods his agreement, shaking as he purposefully puts distance between them. “So - I’ll see you later?”

“Wait!” He’s already on his feet ready to follow Seonho when he turns to see Dongho look at him almost nervously. “Hey – uh – would you – maybe – want to – “

“Yes.” There’s no reason for Dongho to say anything more than that.

Plus, whatever it is that Dongho’s going to ask him to do – he’d probably say yes anyways. “You’re going to agree? Just like that? When you don’t know what I’m going to ask you for?”

He’s sure he’s gulping so loudly that even the mics are picking it up. “You wouldn’t ask me to do something I wouldn’t want to do.” Dongho bursts out laughing making the blush on Daehwi's cheeks intensify. “Don’t look like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you already know.” He answers, catching the hint of Dongho’s smile through the shroud of his cap as the older man puts his earphones back in with a barely perceptible nod in his direction.

If Daehwi sticks around any longer, he’s sure he’ll do something even more foolish than massaging Dongho’s hand so he runs as fast as his feet will carry him to the CUBE trainees.

Unluckily, Seonho and Guanlin are both looking at him with matching expressions of irritating on their equally lovely faces.

Could he get Dongho to punch both of them? Really, what are the perks of dating the 101 Punch King if you can’t get him to occasionally hurt your so called friends? “What?” Daehwi snaps when enough time passes without the other two speaking.

Immediately, Seonho and Guanlin are beside themselves laughing as Daehwi only fumes harder. He’s going to have to put out a hit on these two too. Maybe he can get a discount rate- “Oh relax, Daehwi. We’re just laughing because it took you long enough.” Guanlin shrugs passively as he gestures towards the pair of cameras in Seonho and Daehwi’s hands. “You wanted to interview me?”

“Yup.” Daehwi settles down beside him. Guanlin immediately turns his gummy smile towards the other American and attempts what can only be a sad imitation of Samuel’s eyebrow wiggle. “What. Are. You. Doing. Lai. Guanlin?”

“God Daehwi- if you’re so sensitive about it let’s just speak in English.” Daehwi feels his eyebrow twitch, remembering how he’d said the very same thing to Guanlin about his own painful situation with Seonho. “How is it?”

“How’s what?” He responds back dumbly until Guanlin’s eyes trail over to where Dongho’s back to tapping against the floor. Daehwi literally grabs Guanlin’s head and directs his gaze back to safe territory. “Hey there - I’m the one asking the questions here.”

“He’s pretty bossy about that part.” Seonho remarks, stray potato chip finding its way into his mouth.

When did Seonho get potato chips? “While I appreciate your criticism on my interview methods – your opinion is irrelevant. This is a dictatorship not a democracy.” Like equally bored puppies, Guanlin and Seonho both shrug in a manner both peaceful and uncaring which leaves him feeling all the more irritated with his friends. “Yah – Yoo Seonho. Stop eating and make sure the camera is straight.” It’s his own fault for choosing a drama heavy, technically lazy camera man but thankfully Seonho straightens the frame as he turns to Guanlin to start their interview. “What’s Yoo Seonho to Lai Guanlin?”

Seonho’s camera and jaw almost drop to the ground. “Uh-“

Guanlin shrugs. “He doesn’t listen to me well.”

For someone who doesn’t care about how Guanlin actually feels and does a fair bit to make sure that Guanlin can hate him, Seonho is visibly disturbed by this fact. “Uh - when didn’t I listen well?”

Guanlin laughs with a childlike innocence, ignoring the increasingly angry chicken in front of him. “Seonho’s cute – but he’s really noisy.”

“Why would you say that?” The younger of the two ends up mumbling softly and Daehwi rubs the back of his head uncomfortably.

Like it or not, he’s become as much of a fixture in the CUBE relationship as he is in his own. The air between the three of them goes stale and they sit stationary for so long that a camera assistant approaches them to rectify the situation. “Daehwi- I think maybe you should get interviewed now?”

The tension is ineffectively diffused with the reminder that they're still being watched. The three of them quickly rearrange themselves. Guanlin reaches for the camera in his hands, careful to leave a mile of space between himself and Seonho. “Daehwi – why are you so flexible?”

"Yeah - what is pelvis to Lee Daehwi?" Seonho rephrases quickly.  

When he closes his eyes to think of the answer, he’s reminded of his mother’s face laughing as she gave him the strength to move from monkey bar to monkey bar until he was practically half Chimpanzee. “When I was younger, I stretched a lot. To be honest, I’m flexible but not the way I was back then.”

Dongho perks up from the side. “Minki’s really good at spreading his legs!”

“Oh, really?” Daehwi turns back to Dongho with an evil grin on his face that makes Sungwoon laugh as he comes to sit beside him. “More flexible than you?”

Dongho colours red. Daehwi’s only relatively relieved that for some reason Jonghyun isn’t here because if he was there’s no way Daehwi would have been able to say that out loud.

Saving him from himself, Minki answers for his bandmate. “While I’m definitely the most flexible in Nu’est – Dongho’s not too shabby since he started coming to Yoga on Thursdays.”

“Hyung does Yoga on Thursdays?” Seonho perks up.

“When I’m not trying to save my career on a survival show – yes, I do Yoga on Thursdays and Weightlighting on Wednesdays and -”

“Squats on Sundays? Deadlifts on all the days! For a really bulky guy, Dongho’s actually one of our Yoga instructor’s favourites because he’s shown the most improvement in flexibility. Minhyun’s like a freaking twig- just can’t bend.” Minki cheers as Dongho’s gaze flatlines on him. “Come on, hot stuff! Show us what you got.”

Dongho rolls his eyes but begins to slowly stretch his legs as Minki hoots to the side. “I know we’re friends but I’m very tempted to withdraw that friendship right now because I don’t need this creepy brand of cheerleading you’re dishing out –“

“Hey – you’re the one going out there telling people how flexible I am – you started this.” Minki lifts his left hand to push Dongho’s chest backwards. This is does nothing because giggly monster Dongho has already stumbled back on himself with his own laughs anyways. “You know, I thought Jonghyun was bad but all of you don’t need me now and I just want to see Aron hyung again because at least he’ll appreciate me for WHO I AM AND WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.”

“Yeah?” Dongho teases him lightly, butting his shoulders. “What do you bring to the Nu'est table, Minki?”

“Duh – I put the food on the table. These manga prince visuals have been hustling for our group since 2012 – ”

“Let’s clarify this for everyone. Believe it or not, recently Aron hyung had the most individual activities.” Dongho pats a pouting Minki over the head. “So if we’re going to be literal about it – hyung brought food to the table or at least enabled our manager to.”

Seonho laughs into his hands as Minki groans and leans back on the floor falling over with his legs folded together in a remarkably flexible manner. “Yoo Seonho-ssi, should we start your interview?”

“YES, please.” Seonho grins happy to finally be the focus of the camera. “I’m ready for anything – hit me Lee Daehwi-ssi!”

“Okay Yoo Seonho-ssi!” Daehwi puts on his most serious interview face which ends up failing in all of three seconds as he giggles out his question. “What are mangoes to Yoo Seonho?”

“Something I want to eat alone.” Guanlin snorts as Daehwi stops himself from shaking his head.

Seonho’s selfishness when it came to food was second to only his selfishness for everyone's attention. 

“You shared some with me though!” Dongho speaks up from the side proudly.

“That’s because hyung is special.” Guanlin snorts again, louder this time leaving the little chick in Daehwi’s hands no option but to shoot him a glare that would have left anyone in its path six feet under. “Dude, you keep doing that and I’ll stop sharing my mangoes with you too.”

“So you share your mangoes with Guanlin – even if you don’t want to?” Seonho turns his look of death to Daehwi instead as Daehwi pulls on his ears apologetically. “Geez – it was just a joke. I mean at this point it’s like you guys share everything-“ Except maybe Guanlin’s feelings –

But Daehwi would never voice that out loud. Even he isn’t that callous.

“Rank, Daehwi.” Seonho responds with his usual brand of painful and naïve honesty. “We don’t share a rank.”

It’s a reality that many others in the room have too and Daehwi’s eyes first see Youngmin looking down at himself with a sadness built on his frame until he looks to Daehwi with all the expression of loss and failure stitched on his face.

Daehwi’s not sure if he feels this way because Donghyun’s not here or if he honestly still believes that he doesn’t deserve to be here.

Carefully, Daehwi’s eyes pull to Dongho almost scared of what he’ll find.

When their eyes connect, Daehwi is scared but not in the way he’d expected.

Dongho’s smiling at him proudly like he’s happy to visualize a future where Daehwi’s succeeded over him.

It leaves his stomach churning inside of him.

None of them speak again until, from the door, Jonghyun clears his throat. “I leave you all alone for three minutes and I come back to a funeral?” Guanlin is the only one who laughs. “Well, at least Guanlin gets my sense of humor.” Jonghyun teases as he comes over to sit beside the Taiwanese boy, smile still glued to his lips like an older wall paper that’s starting to show cracks. “It’s just a number Seonho. The rank is just a number. That’s it.” Daehwi glances up at him as he smiles at them. “Guanlin should be more than a number to you.”

“Of course, he’s more than a number to me." For a second, Seonho looks like he wants to say something more but then from this angle Daehwi watches his head spin and –

"Let's try something else - what are crooked glasses to Seonho?” Seonho glances at him a vaguely relieved smile on his face as Daehwi nods at him encouragingly.

Whatever Seonho was going to say before – no one in this room would have been ready for his brutal and childish honesty anyways.

Least of all, Daehwi himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know 'Lee-Yoo' are best friend goals <3 they hung out recently and it made me so so so happy. Now if I get a Samuel Daehwi Guanlin reunion I will die of happiness.
> 
> I'd also like to thank IU for releasing the album Palette that is absolute perfection and served as the backdrop for helping me write all of the below. <3
> 
> Also - for anyone who would like to come yell at me on twitter - bc I'm telling everyone on all ze stories <3 you can find me here ([lillith_evans](https://twitter.com/lillith_evans)) :) fair warning - I have no clue what I'm doing. So if you'd like to follow a clueless 20 something as she rants about anything that enters her mind (or you want to talk about W1/Nu'est/P101/Twice/IOI/anykpopgroupunderthesun) hit me up.


	22. Push and Pull

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning - 
> 
> We gonna get making out in this chap again.
> 
> Once again - nothing drastically inappropriate in my eyes bc like - i'maprude- but like - yeah - fair warning that there will be some **heavy** duty kissing. (I even bolded heavy guys so like - yeah just - warninggg)
> 
> As always - <3 thank you to the wonderful [jxxhyxns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jxxhyxns/pseuds/jxxhyxns)for helping me work through the kinks in this chapter and hopefully make it that much better for you all <3

“Daehwi – Daehwi – Daehwi! Wake up!”

This time when he’s woken up from his dream about a man who swings from trees – Daehwi’s happy to find that he’s been woken by the man himself.

Today, Kang Dongho also happens to be impeccably dressed which Daehwi is 100% certain is not how he fell asleep. “Are you going somewhere?” He mumbles, head turning back to his pillow to muffle the yawn following his words.

“Uh – yeah – we’re going somewhere, remember?” Daehwi blinks back wordlessly, bleary and confused until Dongho leans forward with an excitement on his face that’s contagious enough for Daehwi to feel some of his energy return to him. “Together. You said – you were good with whatever -”

Oh. Right. “Turn around – let me get dressed.”

"You're wearing pajamas!" Dongho groans acquiescing. “You look fine-“

“I do not look fine – I spilt Jigae on these sweats three days ago. Where are we going?” Black ripped jeans are slipped on followed by a grey hoodie that’s tossed on his frame lazily. Dongho turns to look at him, head tilted to his side and a ball forms itself in Daehwi’s throat. He feels very much like he’s being appraised. “Can I help you?”

“Nope.”  As always, Dongho’s a man of too few words.

It’s only when Dongho realizes that he’s caused the teenager to frown that he approaches him slowly, hands grazing past his neck, nails just floating over his skin. Daehwi feels himself lean forward when unceremoniously his hood is pulled over his head. “Seriously?” He groans. Dongho snickers, giggles spilling as he pulls on the two loose white strings on either side of his hood until Daehwi’s eyes and nose and lips are scrunched perfectly to the center by the fabric. “You’re a tease-“

He starts to laugh when he feels Dongho’s lips cover his. It’s the smallest of the kisses they’ve shared, barely more than a peck, but it leaves him squealing because they’re still very much in the presence of their roommates whose residence in the land of sleep is not permanent nor assured.

“I’m a tease?” Dongho parts from him, white predator teeth glinting in the light of the moon.

Probably not.

Probably.

Daehwi feels his own mind race to veer them back into a safe territory.”Right – then – where are we going?” Hopefully, it's somewhere they can do a lot more of that. 

Despite the fact Daehwi has asked him a question to which there is a very clear answer, Dongho chooses to not answer him.

He does, however, reach down for his hands so that Daehwi can be easily guided down the familiar path that Minki took him through when they had their first car date.

Except this time there’s no car waiting for them in the parking lot. “We’re not going driving?”

“I – thought we’d do something different?” He lets Dongho pull him past the yellowed overcast of light. “It’s not like I don’t have the car but I thought it’d be good for us to do something different today –” Dongho’s walking, spine straight, proud and uncaring of the fact that he most definitely shouldn’t be outside as brazenly as this.

But with every step Dongho takes past the safety latches of their surroundings, Daehwi feels his breath hitch harder in his throat because he's forced to take those same steps. “Hey, is this really okay?”

Dongho turns to look back at him and Daehwi’s not sure if circulation is quite able to reach his fingertips. “Do you want to go back?” The words are uttered  with a mix of disbelief, irritation and concern.

Daehwi doesn’t let go, despite the fact an uncomfortable numbness is settling into his hands. “We’re breaking the rules.” He reiterates, looking around them. It’s not like he’s forgotten everything they’ve done to get where they are but – just walking around like this doesn’t feel right today.

“We’ve already broken a lot of rules Daehwi-" Dongho hasn’t forgotten either. How could he?

Their relationship is built up on confessions whispered in the dark of a public alleyway and kisses pressed to lips in shadows. Really, all Dongho is asking for is a repeat performance of what they’ve already established is okay between them – but –

The bricks that make up the foundation of their relationship were laid to rest there much before Daehwi had the ability to understand the intricacies of the relationship he was signing up for.

A few weeks ago, it had been easier for him to be impulsive. A few weeks ago, he’d thought they were on level ground.

But he knows better now.

His rose tinted glasses are starting to go clear and Daehwi's had to face a few harsh realities.

Dongho is just as flawed as he is beautiful.

Dongho rushes headfirst into situations without fully considering the complications around him.

Dongho will not lie to keep someone else’s emotions safe because that’s not how he is built.

And at the end, what all of this really means is that – Kang Dongho doesn’t trust him and he probably never will.

Not really.

Not the way Daehwi wants to be trusted.

Which makes it a little hard for him to trust Kang Dongho, right now. “I just think – it’s better to be careful.”

"Careful?" Dongho questions, eyes blinking like he can't really believe the words leaving Daehwi's lips. “Fine. Let’s be reckless later, then. That makes perfect sense since we’re not even sure if there will be a later.” Daehwi feels his eyes widen as Dongho crosses his hands over his chest shaking his head. “God - Daehwi don't look like that - I didn't mean – “

“There won’t be a later?” He hisses with his lips rolled between his teeth. “Hey, do you have anything more you want to say or you want to just leave it at that cryptic thought?” There's more words on the tip of his tongue, ready to lash out and leave scars on Dongho’s bruised heart but Daehwi’s careful – because Daehwi’s always careful when it comes to Dongho's fragile ego.

“No. I just said I didn't mean it that way so I don’t have anything else that I want to say right now.” Dongho shrugs kicking lightly at the ground, eyes hidden beneath the shadows cast on his face by his downturned lashes.

It’s Dongho that doesn’t care. It’s Dongho who doesn’t realize what it means for Daehwi to hear those words from him because really – Dongho’s never cared. “That’s not what that sounded like.” Daehwi's feet step backwards when Dongho looks up at him and shakes his head lightly laughing. “What?”

“You're the one throwing a fit but Daehwi - how can there be a later when you’re not even as brave as you think you are?” His heart drops in his chest as he takes in Dongho’s skeptical look. “Whatever it’s fine – let’s move on and just drive somewhere, I guess.” Dazed, Daehwi lets himself be guided over to the car parked half a mile away. The doors on both ends of the car shut with a louder than intended impact. Dongho turns to look at him for a second before blinking and fiddling with his keys. “Do you want McDonalds? It’s kind of hot today so – an ice cream sundae might be nice?”

Is Dongho really trying to just gloss over whatever the fuck just happened outside by offering him ice cream? What the fuck is he? Three years old?  “I don’t want to eat anything – it’s one at night.”

“Fine, then. We don’t have to get food.” Dongho turns to look at him with an overly stretched smile, clearly mocking in every quality. Daehwi leans back into his seat, eyes shut tight as the car thrums to life underneath their feet.

The first few lights they hit are relatively silent. At least, until Dongho tries his hand at talking to him again. “Do you know how to drive?”

“Nope.” The idea of driving sounds nice enough but – he’s never really had time to find his way to a car he doesn’t own or instructors he doesn’t have enough money to pay for. His free hours in LA were restricted to learning guitar and helping his mother run the shop. His free hours in Seoul are restricted to pinning his hopes on a career made of smoke and mirrors. “When did you learn?”

“In Jeju – my dad’s been letting me drive since I was thirteen. Do you want to learn by the way? I could teach you?”

“That’s illegal. Do you ever follow any rules?”

"It's not a big deal." Dongho bristles at the edge in Daehwi’s tone. “Out on the island – it’s just easier to drive so we learn early and teach the kids early too.” To his credit, Dongho doesn’t let that distract his motivation to steer them back to their normal banter. “In Jeju, it’s not like it is in Seoul where everything is super accessible – especially where I live. It’s just the ocean, farms and trees that keep us company. Everyone teaches their kids – “

“Just because everyone does it. That doesn’t make it right.” The car quiets again and that’s when Daehwi realizes that he’s a fool.

Dongho has just offered to teach him how to drive and he’s ended up shoving away the older man’s olive branch for the second time tonight.

Unsurprisingly – Dongho doesn’t try to talk to him again which just makes it all the more apparent that outside of the car Dongho may have been the ass but inside the car – Daehwi's the lead contender for that position. “I guess - if you’re still okay to teach me – I wouldn’t mind learning how to drive. If I don't get you in trouble.”

“I don’t know – “He’s expecting that, Daehwi's reached out fully aware of the claw that’s resting at the back of Dongho’s next words. “In a few weeks – things are going to change. You won’t have time.” Daehwi laughs to himself, quiet as he can be in the face of Dongho’s persistent insecurity. “Plus, I don’t have an instructor license - just learn with your manager like the other young idols.”

“Sure, whatever. It's all the same shit.” His fingers play with the fringe of the ripped jeans on his knees.

Dongho doesn’t speak up again.

It feels like he can’t do anything right today. “How did you get Jonghyun to agree to letting you out?”

“Daehwi – you’re 6 years younger than Youngmin so maybe you don’t get it.” Dongho responds coolly. “But just because Jonghyun is my leader – that doesn’t mean I have to do every single thing Jonghyun asks me to do. In fact – I think I’ve made it a practice to do exactly the opposite of whatever he tells me to do. I keep him young, on his toes.”

“So you’re just saying you’re bad at following instructions?”

“Well, if I was good at following instructions – then you and I wouldn’t be here together in this car.” Dongho’s clear enough in what he’s not saying that Daehwi feels his head bow down apologetically. “God - can you just stop?”

“Stop what?”

“Looking so – bruised?” Dongho groans at a stoplight. “Dude - whatever we fought – big fucking deal. It’ll happen again if we don’t move past it now.”

“So we just gloss over it?”

“Yeah. That’s literally what I just said.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Well sucks – you’re younger than me so you have to listen, remember?” Thankfully, the meekness that had overtaken him in the face of Dongho’s restrained frustration disappears at those words. “That was a joke Daehwi –“

“Try one of those again. Just try it.” If Dongho can mock him so readily then Daehwi’s just as ready to mock him back. Hell, the insults and words are still there in the recesses of his mind. “Make all of this harder than it already is –“

“Wow - is it hard now?” Now, Dongho's laugh comes out bitter, loud and familiar in Daehwi’s ears. “Glad, we’re finally on the same fucking page.”

Sufficiently distracted, Dongho’s following left turn is just an edge too sharp and Daehwi finds himself thrown haphazardly into Dongho’s side of the car. “What the hell was that?”

“Sorry.”

“Just drive.” Dongho’s passive apology does nothing to solve any of what they’re actually talking about so Daehwi bends over himself, face and frame hidden from Dongho’s vision for now so that they can at least get to where they’re going alive. 

Dongho acquiesces and stays silent for all of one glorious minute. “Is it worth it?”

“Is what worth it?” He lifts himself from his crouched position but keeps his eyes fixed on the street lights that pass them flash by flash.

“Being with me.”

Daehwi feels himself jerk to look straight at Dongho but the other man is looking straight at the road, almost like he can't bare to look at him. “It’s better than anything I’ve ever felt.” It’s better to be honest. “Sometimes – that feeling can feel worse than anything else I’ve ever felt.”

“That’s not an answer, Daehwi.”

“Does everything need a perfect answer?”

“Then do you want a question that’s clearer in its intention?” The smallest of tremors resounds through Dongho’s exhale, nurturing the tornadoes that destroy Daehwi's own capability to breathe. “Is risking everything you’ve worked for worth being with me?”

He’s supposed to say yes.

That’s the right answer.

And those words are on the tip of his tongue too.

What he says is something quite different. “Is it worth it?” Daehwi caricatures, eyes hesitantly turned towards Dongho.

It’s the seed of self doubt stopping him from speaking. The one that’s planted itself in his heart every time Dongho pushes him away.

To his credit, Dongho tries to laugh normally this time – and he almost succeeds.

To any untrained ear, Kang Dongho sounds happy that Daehwi’s trying to joke around with his insecurities. He thinks it’s hilarious that they can infantilize his source of anxiety.

But Daehwi’s ear is trained. He knows too much. He’s stared too long and craved too desperately to not hear the anguish leaving Dongho’s lips as he answers his own question. “You’re a fucking pain Daehwi, but you’re worth it.”

It’s his turn to laugh. Daehwi knows that.

After all, Dongho’s still laughing.

But Daehwi feels like he’s had a knife shoved in his heart. “Do you have to make me like you more?”

“Why? Is there a capacity limit to how much you can like me?” Today, Daehwi’s not certain he can handle Dongho’s teasing. It comes with a side of regret.

“Yes – there is a capacity limit to how much someone like me can like someone like you before they get driven half way insane.” It probably wouldn’t do to tell Dongho that he’d pretty much passed that point three days ago in his bed.

“If I make you feel so crazy then what the hell do you even like about me? Why the hell are we doing this, Daehwi?” Dongho’s still smiling but the power charging his bright expression flickers with obvious effort.

They need to go back to normal.

They need to stop talking about this.

Neither of them is able to talk about the obvious problems underlying their relationship without inadvertently hurting the other person.

“You’re pretty and perfect.” The laugh that follows is weak, lack of strength only emphasized with every shake of his head. “You’re pretty perfect and I guess I can’t look away.”

“Learn to." His instant response leaves much to be desired. "I’m not perfect Daehwi – I’m far from pretty and perfect.” Daehwi knows that too. Every flaw that builds Dongho as the person he is only makes him all the more perfect in his eyes - even if it's that perfection that very obviously is the problem between them because the walls around Dongho's heart have only halved for him.  “Are you sure you’re not already insane?”

He reaches for his boyfriend’s left hand, covering it with his own. “Maybe I jumped head first into an ocean of crazy when I decided to be with you.” Dongho doesn’t get it. Just as well, these metaphors really only live inside Daehwi’s own head.

Dongho is an addicting sort of warm. The type of warm that rests atop Daehwi’s skin long after the source disappears because, or at least this is what Daehwi would like to think, this warmth is powered by genuine affection and love.

Even if Dongho doesn’t know how to say it. “Daehwi, I need both hands to drive,” Dongho looks to their joined fingers.

“Fine – I’ll let go.” His resistance to letting go has Dongho’s smile finally surface on his face clean and filtered from negative emotion.  

“Its fine – just once we’re there we can hold hands or whatever.” There’s a light smattering of pink materializing on Dongho’s pale skin. This is enough to calm the gallop of fear in Daehwi’s heart to a slower thump that encourages him to continue teasing the older man.

Daehwi leans forward, arm placed on the CD Holder between them. He lifts his lips purposefully towards Dongho’s ears, perfectly angled to drawl warmth back into the echo of Dongho’s mind. “I vote for whatever.”

Dongho starts to cough. This allows his smile to grow happily because Dongho may not say anything but the way his flush has worked its way down his neck is enough to verbalize everything he can’t say. Right now, his boyfriend looks like any second now smoke is going to erupt from atop of his head like he’s a toy train which is a far more appealing visual than tears erupting from his eyes. “Kang Dongho-ssi, are you seriously blushing? What do you think I meant? God, look where your brain is going – so shameless – I’m appalled – positively scandalized – ”

“Daehwi, please shut up.” Dongho’s pink embarrassment warms up the sides of his neck, kissing his earlobes in a way Daehwi would most definitely replicate if they wouldn’t die on the road. Still –  this is the most endearing thing Daehwi’s ever seen. If he gets to spend even a portion of their night together mapping the path of capillaries, arteries and veins that make Dongho so beautiful – it will be time well spent. “Why do you have to verbalize EVERYTHING?”

Please, what Dongho heard was the watered down version of the concentrate swirling in his mind. “We have spoken about how I have this very bothersome need to actually ‘hear’ things to believe them right? If it’s not said out loud – then it’s not real.” Things are finally starting to edge back towards their normal. It’s easy now to melt back into casual flirtation and teasing touches that allow both of them to grow almost oblivious to the bottled frustration and aged pain that had threatened to overturn their questionable decision to be with each other mere moments ago.

“Sometimes, it’s okay to not say some things Daehwi.” A skeptical scoff is already out of his throat before Dongho has a chance to correct him. “There’s a reason they say actions speak louder than words.”

Oh. A lecture.

How nice.

Not for today though. They’ve had a hard enough time of making this work today without a lecture. His effort filled silence draws the curiousity of his driver. “Daehwi – “  Dongho trails off with not much else of value to offer.

“I could stop verbalizing things but are you sure you want that? I mean – if you’re okay with it I can just do whatever I want to you without telling you first – but would your heart be able to survive?” Dongho’s trying very hard to pretend like he hasn’t heard a word he’s said but he’s failing wonderfully because the pink on Dongho’s cheeks has intensified to a bright red. “If you’re going to ignore me – I’ll just test my theory –” Dongho doesn’t respond, like he’s waiting to see if Daehwi will make good on his promise. “Let’s see if you can ignore me when I just crawl over this stupid large CD holder and kiss you at the next red light - “

“Don’t you dare - there are cameras at red lights!” Faced with his boyfriend’s traumatized expression, Daehwi has no option but to become a fountain of giggles. “God, Daehwi –“

Regardless of his objections, Dongho lets Daehwi’s hand slide over to land comfortably on his thigh when Daehwi literally cannot stop himself from falling over in his seat because of his surreptious bout of giggles. “Why do you have a CD holder in the middle anyways – who has CDs in their car even any more – “

“We’re idols - we live on physical sales and CFs. Respect the CD.” Daehwi looks out of the window innocent as he can muster while his fingers playfully trail up the thick black of Dongho’s jeans. Obviously, he's not as sly as he'd like to think he is because his boyfriend has already turned to give him a stern look. “Can you please stop? I know this has been a little weird today but I really don’t know what you’re trying to achieve by tickling me -”

Please, Dongho’s the one who ruins everything and if it were up to him, Dongho would completely ruin tonight too. 

But Daehwi can fix that, the same way he fixes everything.

He can get Dongho to relax, he can get Dongho to forget for now that they'd just had a massive fight with no real resolution because if he can get Dongho to forget then maybe he can forget too. “You literally tickled my neck on camera and that was perfectly appropriate but OH NO – me tickling you while you're driving in the privacy of your car is SO SCANDALOUS - ”

Dongho can only respond with a very mature -“Shut up.”

“You know, you’ve asked me to shut up twice now but you haven’t actually tried hard enough to do that – we both know you can shut me up if you try really hard.” His laughs make Dongho tense beside him.  “Oh please, who are we kidding? You don’t need to try hard at all - I won’t even put up a fight. Feel free to try to shut me up any time you work up the guts to do so -” The older man continues to shake his head like he can’t really believe what it is Daehwi is actually saying to him.

“The real thing we should have asked you in your interview today is where you learned – this –“ It would suck to be as pale as Dongho is – Daehwi’s happy he at least has a few more shades of melanin hiding his emotions.

“This?”

“This – thing – where you make people feel like they’re constantly on edge around you.” Dongho coughs uncomfortably as the car’s speed finally slows down.

It’s really just Dongho he wants to put on edge. Dongho’s a mystery he can play with, a problem he’s tried to put on his own back, a person he’s just too personally invested in.

He could say all of that.

Probably make Dongho feel even more on edge.

But Daehwi knows what words will open this man up and which ones will shut him down.

The car stops at the edge of their familiar hill but Daehwi doesn't even get a chance to appreciate the scenery because in seconds Dongho’s lips are on his.

It’s an apology. Of sorts. Dongho loves to kiss his sorries into existence. And, sure, Dongho’s not really the best of dancers – but at this dance, he’s more than adept.

So Daehwi dances. His mouth eagerly reaches upwards to assert dominance over the other man but his very serious mission to kiss Dongho to dizziness is halted immediately because his boyfriend's fingers cannot stay away from playing with the sides of his frame through his hoodie, urging Daehwi to laugh.

That isn’t even fair – when Dongho’s tickling him that forces him to smile and it’s not really like he has all that much to smile about in light of their evening so far.

Dongho has less pure motives behind his actions. Daehwi's smile is really just his opportunity to coax his mouth open wider and Daehwi relents because his lips feel swollen with how much Dongho’s teeth are playing, pulling and tugging on the skin. The gush of air that's sucked out of his lungs has his hands grip harder on Dongho's hair, tongues stirring warmth from head to toe.

To retaliate, Daehwi pushes his body forward until his face is forcing Dongho’s own backwards. It’s this pushy move that has Dongho snicker foolishly between laps of their kiss effectively ceasing all contact between them. “Excuse me, did you just laugh at me?” Daehwi flicks his still giggling boyfriend’s head with a more than healthy dose of irritation.

Dongho opens his eyes, grin melted onto his face. “How am I not supposed to laugh when you’re so – amazing?”

“Your reaction to me being amazing is to laugh at me – my god –“ Dongho laughs again. “Do I have to show you how we appreciate me?” His hands roll upwards over Dongho’s neck dragging him upwards to meet his lips again until the two of them are twined in an untwistable knot over that stupid CD Holder between them.

“Come over.” Dongho’s words are muffled into his mouth gruffly like a command.

And he’d follow it without question if it maybe didn’t mean bodily harm. “Last time I got really sore twisting in the front seat, if you want me to come over, you have to make room.” Dongho’s fiddled around enough that there’s enough room for two on his side of the car and despite his earlier complaints Daehwi flips himself over, all agility and grace, until he’s resting on top of his boyfriend’s chest, head on his own twisted fingers. Dongho’s hands move purposefully towards his hair. One day, he’ll ask why Dongho has such an obsession with his stupid hair.  “Why did we randomly switch to this position by the way? I’m still feeling whiplash.”

“I can fix that. We can stop kissing.” Dongho makes a move to shift out from under him until Daehwi pushes him back down, palms square on Dongho’s shoulders.

“Uh - did I say you could get up?” He feels a small smirk rise on his lips when he sees the way Dongho’s Adam’s apple bobs temptingly in his throat.

“You’re an unreasonably demanding person-” Whatever else it is that Dongho wants to say gets lost in the choke leaving his boyfriend’s chest as his lips descend gently on Dongho’s neck.

“I disagree – you’re the one who’s demanding and irritating,”

“That is what they say.”

At that, Daehwi lifts his head from its charge to make a silly mess of his boyfriend. “They, huh?”

“Shut up, Daehwi.” He isn’t quite shut up the way he’d like but Dongho has kissed his forehead which is better than nothing. “Come on – let’s just talk in the back for a bit before we head back. I brought an iPad – Aron said you’d probably like to chill with some Netflix?”

Daehwi bursts out laughing as he shakes his head at Dongho’s entirely innocent and bemused expression. “Uh – sorry – Aron said what now?” 

His boyfriend pulls out his phone, perusing through the conversation to more clearly iterate exactly what it was that Aron said. “ _‘Ask Daehwi to_ Netflix and chill’ See? It says it right here...maybe hyung's English is getting bad.” The phone is flipped to his face and Dongho starts to explain the rest of the messages but Daehwi can barely stop laughing. “There’s a winky face there and a tongue face? But that’s just because hyung likes to use emojis – don’t read into that.”

“Please – stop!” Daehwi bangs his hands against Dongho’s chest, only just barely being able to hold back his laughs. “Uh – sure – yeah. Let’s Netflix and Chill.”

“Why are you wiggling your eyebrows? Did I say it weird?”

“No. No. You said it fine – my eyebrow wiggling is a Bad Samuel habit.”

He’s still laughing because it’s confirmed. Aron is hilarious and very obviously his soul mate. “So you’re okay – with this budget movie date –?”

“Oh, when you put it that way – how can I resist? Oh my god.” Daehwi wants to snort but he’s going to do his best to not do that in his boyfriend’s face. “Budget movie date. VIP back seats. Wow. Like. My mind is blown.” Daehwi muffles back laughs as Dongho presses kisses along the edge of his neck tickling his collarbone. “Okay – like – are you actually trying to blow my mind because it’s kind of getting there-” Dongho doesn’t answer but he does nip at the edge of his skin making Daehwi muffle back a squeal when stray fingers grip his hair and pull him downwards again. “That works too-“

Unfortunately, before Daehwi can finish his sentence- or really start kissing him - Dongho stops and leaves his boyfriend pouting over him. “I really can’t decide.”

“Decide what?”

“If I like this side commentary thing we have going on right now.” Ah, that. “I mean on the one hand – you’re telling me what you like which is great because it can really suck - when you’re with someone and they’re not telling you anything.” Dongho is one to talk when he’s a serial offender of not saying enough but Daehwi promised himself that he wouldn’t bring that up. “On the other hand, you’re making me laugh which is hard because I have enough trouble focusing on one thing as it is-”

Ah good, a claim he can respond to. “Is it bad that I’m making you laugh? I mean I am the funnier one in our relationship -”

“No. You’re not. You’re a little shit, though. That’s true.” With quick kisses pressed to Daehwi’s puffed out cheeks, and noses nuzzled against each others Daehwi blinks back stupefied at the sweetness of the gesture. “Now come on- let’s go to the back and watch some bad American T.V. or something-”

“Exsqueeze me – as a patriotic Korean American - I think both genres of T.V. have their place in the world." Then a more mischievous look overtakes Daehwi's expression as he drops his voice several levels and tones. "Still, if you think its so bad anyways – we can do the ‘or something’.” Dongho raises an eyebrow and Daehwi clears his throat with all the airs of a corrupt politician. “To clarify the ‘or something’ I’m voting for is a continuation of us making out because I think I’ve earned it after the horrible HORRIBLE date you’ve taken me on today.” He blinks his eyelashes coquettishly making Dongho look up at him, faked disappointment rich in his eyes. “Oh come on – you have to agree this was a bad date. We fought. You ignored me. I said some mean shit. Woe is me- I’m so woe-“

“I can’t believe you’re singing some out-dated 2000 song and talking about our bad date like it's a joke but okay. Heads up - we could have been making out right now but I'm going to blame you for ruining the mood with all your talking.” Daehwi rolls his eyes, following his boyfriend out of the car to the backseat. Dongho fiddles with his lock-screen and opens the app. “Shit – how do you work this thing? I don’t really use Netflix that much – this is Aron’s login – ” Utterly bored of watching him scroll uselessly through the ‘Popular Now’ section, Daehwi pulls the iPad away from his hands until his boyfriend has energetically pointed at a show. “Want to try 13 reasons why? Sangbin said it’s some real shit -”

Of course, Kang Dongho would want to watch the most depressing show on the planet. “Uh no – I do not want to watch that show. It makes people sad. Very sad. Somi wouldn't stop crying for days. It’s going to be way worse for me because I’m going to have to sit here and understand it in English. What did Kim Jonghyun do to you today? Did he tell you to make this a bad date?”

Once again, like the expert he is – Dongho avoids this conversation entirely. “The message the show is trying to convey is important – it’s scary and the execution is a little weird but it is important Daehwi. People in our line of work -”

“Fine. Fine. We'll watch 13 reasons why. Just be quiet.” Daehwi snickers, clamping a hand over Dongho’s mouth more out of fear for what the other idol will say than actual humor. He's not quite ready for that discussion either. “If you’re not going to let me focus on you, then at least let me focus on something else.”

Dongho’s an asshole though.

Daehwi feels soft tufts of hot air blown into his palms, air bubbling beneath his skin, warmth curling over his stomach as he pulls his hand back protectively. What the hell does Dongho actually want him to do? How the hell is he supposed to have any modicum of self control if Dongho keeps - “What are you doing?”

Dongho blinks foolishly at him.

He’s actually expecting no answer this time when Dongho’s clear cut voice cuts through the silence in their car. “I’m trying to make you focus on me again. Is it working?”

Daehwi shakes his head, pulling away from Dongho’s frame.

Of course, this renders the experienced idol confused because his request to have Daehwi pay more attention to him has resulted in said Daehwi physically shifting away from him. “Daehwi – I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable –“

He’s not uncomfortable.

He’s just – tired.

So he remains silent, placing the iPad back on the shelf behind them because he's able to acknowledge mentally that Netflix is a crutch Dongho needs even if Dongho isn't quite able to verbalize that.  Then he brings his legs up to the seat first. Once his legs are folded with his ankles crossed in front, he pulls Dongho’s up into the same position, turning the older man until they’re facing each other directly.

He feels his smile grow as he looks at Dongho’s still confused expression.

Right now, there’s a gap between them. This gap is bridged only by their knees pressed directly to each other.

This gap is a representation of the distance Daehwi has to put between them so they don’t stumble over docks, hit their heads on rocks and drown.

Today he’d like to take some of this distance away – at least metaphorically.

He can’t address their problems with his words. Dongho can’t either. They’re just not good at that.

What they’re good at is pushing each other away before pulling each other close.

It’s all they know.

Tentative and careful, his hands reach forward to Dongho’s elbow.  Once he has it in his palms, he pulls on the joint ever so gently so that his thumbs can dance on the inside of Dongho’s pale skin. He lets his nails trail down the expanse of Dongho’s skin lighting up the paths of blood that trail down Dongho’s arm until their fingers can be twisted into each other’s.

He lifts this joined hand up to the light of the moon, the ever present omniscient eye to the entirety of their relationship. “Daehwi – what are you doing?”

He doesn’t answer. Not with his words anyways.

He pulls their connected fist to his lips, kisses softly pressed on each of their knuckles.

How can Dongho ask him that, anyways?

Isn’t it obvious what he’s doing?

He’s holding hands.

He laughs as he catches sight of Dongho’s befuddled expression.

Seriously, it’s what Dongho asked him to do. You’d think he’d have better memory than that.

“Daehwi-“ Daehwi's every snicker slides through the gaps between their fingers as Dongho’s shaky breath reverberates through the car. “Daehwi - just - say something.”

Actually - Dongho’s also the one who asked him to stop talking.

What’s he so scared of now?

Dongho doesn’t follow instruction well – but Daehwi does.

It’s why he’s collected his tears and moved from country to country, agency to agency, post to post.

Instruction is what got him here – to this last stage of success where he's met him. Where Dongho's asked him if he's worth the risk. 

Daehwi lets his knees push forward just the slightest bit, now. This way he can lean into Dongho.

Defensively, Kang Dongho pulls back, which is just fine. It allows Daehwi to use their still connected hands to yank on him until he’s able to stretch the skin on Dongho’s arms again.

Flirting is something he’s always been overly comfortable with.

That’s true. He’s way better at it than Dongho will ever be.

Flirting is why he talks so much.

It’s one of his best attributes even.

Intimacy though?

That’s a little new to him.

But he still wants to try something.

He relaxes his grip on Dongho’s hands until he can see the other man’s palm exposed in the air.

Past, present, future, fate – it’s all there for them to read and if he could Daehwi would try to find the lines on his hands that match perfectly with Dongho's so that he’d know they have some reassurance of a future.

But he doesn’t read palms. Dongho doesn't either.

So instead he runs his fingers over the lines, memorizing their details as easily as he memorizes the soft sighs leaving Dongho’s chest. 

The faint moonlight from the rear window allows the skin on the underside of Dongho’s arm to glimmer and beckon Daehwi’s breath to match Dongho’s.

He starts with Dongho’s surprisingly narrow wrist.

First, he runs his hands over the inside slowly. The mishmash of greens, blues and purples pulsing here with everything that makes Dongho exactly who he is. Daehwi’s lower lip follows the trail his fingers left for him pressing against the vein protruding from the barrier.

A blessing disguised as a kiss.

Immediately, Dongho’s hands clench tightly onto his fingers sending signals up the same nerve.

Now both of them have stopped talking. 

Daehwi isn’t dissuaded though – if anything he's encouraged to let his lips wander upwards against the smooth skin of Dongho’s arms, lips never pausing to separate from him.

Dongho’s elbow buckles into his grasp when his kiss pauses on the line where the skin folds together delicately.

Daehwi risks a look up at him, his boyfriend’s eyes are presently scrunched up and shut tight. With one kiss pressed gently to the side of each eye, his mouth finally lands up towards Dongho’s tucked in ears, adorned with the smallest of black studs.

He doesn’t say anything.

Not yet.

He listens, silently, so he can embrace the sound of Dongho’s breathing as his own. Everything between them clicking and shifting in perfectly synchronized counts.

When he moves backwards, Dongho doesn’t stop him.

When he lets go of Dongho’s hand, Dongho doesn’t stop him.

Instead Daehwi settles to the far right of the back seat, as physically far away from Dongho as he can manage.

His hands twist into knotted legs and thighs as he steels himself for Dongho’s inevitable question.

But it never quite comes.

Instead, their silence grows long and Daehwi blinks a little as he looks up at the car roof. It’s a bit easier to look up there than it is to look straight at Dongho’s blank expression. “I just – wanted to hold hands. Was that – weird?”

“Daehwi –“ Dongho’s forehead lands right on his. This time he's laughing at him and this look of wonder and adoration in Dongho’s eyes won’t let him look away, hell - it won’t even let him pathetically beg for air. “That wasn’t holding hands.” 

He’s about to shift away to give them space when Dongho’s hands come over his face to keep him still in his grasp.

There’s still space between them, but Daehwi’s knees are already kissing Dongho’s when the object of his affections pulls them back together. This time all Daehwi tastes in Dongho’s mouth is the sensation of letting go.

Familiarity worms its way into his hands as they pull Dongho’s arms over his waist. When he’s sure they’re safely situated on him, he lets his own hands wander off to circle Dongho’s entire frame in his, never crossing the gap between their knees.

That’s the safety zone. That’s their barrier.

In this position, faces and legs connected, their bodies form a seamless triangle. His stomach flops over as his mind reminds him that this triangle is the reason the world has brought them together in the first place – even if that’s not why they want to stay together.

The pads of his fingers run smooth over Dongho’s stretched neck, the pressure of his boyfriend’s heartbeat pulsing against the inside of his past, present, future and fate. Encouraged, his thumbs roll over the skin on Dongho’s throat  prodding, massaging, rolling until a low-emitting growl breaks through his mouth and Daehwi bites back.

He feels himself pulled into Dongho’s lap.

Relationships do not fit into one shape.

They're angled now, poised and connected from one centric point to look up to a common goal, hands itching and crawling in a thousand different directions.

Daehwi deepens their kiss, teeth pulling and nibbling on Dongho’s lower-lip until it aches under his tongue.

They’re rolling on this slippery slope, heaving words left unsaid into their mouths with a prayer the other person can open their ears and listen.

Triangles, pedestals and numbers lose meaning.

At least for this moment, their past, present, future and fate will not separate them because right now all that’s around them is emptiness.

A smile is fed to his lips, and he returns it with heavy breaths of happiness. They’ve reached a level of comfort with each other now that neither of them recognize for now.

That’s when he feels it.

His heart bounds forward, breaks through the shell of his body and leaves a gaping hole in his chest.

It’s landed squarely in Dongho’s lap.

Daehwi leans forward to kiss Dongho again, smiles muffled as his hands shift over Dongho’s shirt.

_‘I’m trying to make you focus on me again- is it working?’_

Some people say there are no stupid questions but that question – god, that’s a stupid one.

Dongho should know by now.

There’s not much else Daehwi can ever focus on when they’re together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and now you know why it took me so long to publish this. *exhausted*
> 
> I also happened to finish the first draft of LI's ending yesterday. So technically - LI is now done on my computer. (but lah updates will probably still be spaced out bc lol guys I EDIT A LOT)
> 
> PSA - some of you wanted me to write Dongho's POV way way back and I've finally indulged in that and released a companion fic called [First Impressions](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13896309/chapters/31977321) which will cover some of the start of Dongho and Daehwi's interactions in P101 (which we didn't really get to see in LI).
> 
> Perhaps more importantly - if there's any particular scenes you want to see from Dongho's POV - please let me know and I'll include it in that fic :)
> 
> as always - if you saw an inconsistency, typo, grammar - please feel free to point it out - I edit this super late at night and often under the influence of Roasted Milk Tea so quality is not a guarantee until the morning after!
> 
> Love you all as always <3 :)


	23. Sweat Sparkles Pretty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...there's no warnings but proceed with caution.
> 
> also - this was edited on Chatime's Roasted Milk Tea (30% sweet, extra ice cause i'm cool cool baby ~~sorryforthebadjoke~~ ).
> 
> In case you want to run out go grab one and come back - DW - the update will wait guys. 
> 
> (jk but also if you see typos know that my fingers are running on a caffeine high - okay i'm done talking go enjoy the update <3)

Their stage in front of Kahi went well.

“You have to change it.”

On Camera.

Off Camera – it’s a different story which is shocking because Daehwi had thought Kahi liked their performance. 

But Kahi is a celebrity.

She, like them, has an image.

She, like them, is a plot device. One more way the powers that be of this show of can craft a story that sells.

On stage, under spotlights and with the influence of copious amounts of hard work –

Sweat sparkles pretty.

At the end of the day – the version of him that is rewarded with the chance to perform – that’s the only version of him that people really care about.

 “Which parts of the choreography would benefit from change, Kahi sunbaenim?” Even if Kahi wants them to change it, they don’t necessarily have to do anything she says.

“Is it that bad?” Samuel’s half-hearted mumble leaves very little room for misinterpretation.

“No no – it’s not that bad. You’re doing well Muel-ah. I can see the love you have for all of your friends because you’ve given them all moments to shine. I’m almost proud-”

“Almost?”

“Almost until you debut. Don’t let me down, now.” Kahi’s eyes crinkle in the corners, a little more than mere fondness seeping into her gaze for Jonghyun and Samuel, the two boys she’s trained from the ground up. “Youngmin deserves more focus. Right now, he’s too far back and it’ll be hard for the cameras to catch him. It might help if you guys actually shrink away in the formation, then Youngmin becomes center automatically.” Kahi’s eyes turn to him and the well of warmth that was so present for Samuel and Jonghyun runs dry for him. “You should also adjust the front pair during Dongho’s lead in the goddess line-“

Wait –

That’s him, whose on stage – with Dongho at that precise point – “I think Dongho and I perform that breakdown well enough sunbae - “

“It’s Dongho’s line so he should stay up there but in my honest opinion, I think it’d be better to have Sungwoon there as well -”

The implicit meaning of her words rests heavy on his gaze. “So I should go to the back?”

“It’s what makes the most visual sense. To me.”

The air grows tense.

Jonghyun’s smile screws on tighter.

Daehwi bites his lips as he attempts to normalize his objection. “It’s just, Kahi sunbaenim, that move? I came up with it – I’d like to be at the front. It’s only fair – ”

“I know any time at the front is valuable – but aren’t you objecting a little too much? You have no starting or following lines – it doesn’t make sense to have you there.” Kahi’s lips slip practiced short giggles that grate on his insides. “Unless – there’s another reason you think you’d be a better fit?”

“No special reason – it’s just – I’d like to be at the front –“

“In that case – I’d like to ask you to not be greedy.” His eyes bulge at those words. “I gave you my thoughts Daehwi – but it’s up to your team here to decide what you do with them.” She’s still laughing, and with every breathy giggle he feels his spine straighten up in defense, arms crossed over his chest like a shield.  “But for me - it doesn’t fit. That image with the two of you.”

Wait –

What?

His eyes blur in confusion.

His head rattles warningly.

“What?” His mouth makes mistakes.

“It means you’re hard to say no to, Daehwi-ya.” Kahi stops laughing. “It doesn’t matter what I say – so just do whatever you want.”

His eyes wander over to Dongho on automatic – seeking his help because how is he supposed to answer any of what Kahi is telling him right now?

Shit, he shouldn’t be looking at him.

He turns back to Kahi but this is a pointless action because her eyes had followed his.

And Kahi’s still looking at Dongho, the laughing smile back on her face as she shakes her head.

“We’ll make the changes, noona.” Jonghyun bows his head, doing his best to limit the expansion of this particular topic.

“It’s been a long few months for everyone, huh?” Kahi’s lips are set tight into themselves. “This chance you’ve earned – to stand here and be handed success on a silver platter – it only comes once, you know?” Her voice grows quieter, but the bite behind it never disappears. “Make sure you can walk away without any regrets.”

It’s not a question.

But Kahi’s asking for an answer anyways.

And since the words are lost on his lips, Daehwi only nods his head.

 

 

 

 

After their morning dance review, he does his best to stay away from Dongho because he’s not sure how to go about telling Dongho any of what’s running through his mind.

Does Kahi know?

Does Dongho know Kahi knows?

Does he – regret – anything?

To his credit, Kang Dongho doesn’t let this faze him. Dongho does his best to get Daehwi’s attention over lunch. Daehwi’s poked in the cheeks, Daehwi’s waved at incessantly, Daehwi’s made the direct butt of many bad jokes just to incite some sort of reaction from him –

But he can’t react today.

Today, Daehwi feels like he’s on a path, automated, one of those flat escalators at airports that keeps him moving forward but Dongho’s on the side – always and forever walking at his own pace no matter how much Daehwi screams at him to get on the bloody escalator and take the easy way forward.

Right now, Daehwi feels like a loser.

And what he’s lost –

He’s not quite sure.

Finally, the studio team pulls in both teams to perform center breakdowns one by one.

Here too, Daehwi does a good job of keeping his distance.

At least, he does a good job until Dongho’s right in front of him.

Sure – Kang Dongho doesn’t like dancing but even for him –

This is too much of a sham to be a ‘performance’. All Dongho does is stand there, heavy, breathing, static and irritating.

And so all Daehwi wants to do is yank him backwards to the hallways and push him into another universe to beg him to try to care because more often than not it feels like Dongho doesn’t care about the end.

And if he doesn’t care about the end –

Then he doesn’t really care about them.

So Daehwi does better. He flies, he jumps, he sings.

Because sweat sparkles pretty – and he has to show Kang Dongho what it means to try.

Super Hot ends without any major incidents but it’s really Hands on Me that blows him away. Objectively, Minhyun and Jinyoung really capture the mood of the song but if Daehwi’s being fair it’s really Jinyoung that’s surprising him more than anyone else. After all, until two weeks ago the thought of Bae Jinyoung capturing any mood but that of ‘the girl from the Ring’ would have been ludicrous.

(PANN’s words! Not his!

Okay, maybe he posted that comment on PANN and it trended but that’s not his fault).

It’s when they’re all filing out of the room, exhausted, sweaty and hot that Daehwi is no longer able to avoid Kang Dongho since Dongho’s quite literally grabbed his hands to pull him aside. “Daehwi – you’re avoiding me – “

“Ah – sorry not avoiding but can we talk – after?” He grins up at Dongho with the most confident smile he can muster. It must look convincing because the worry on Dongho's face softens. “I really have to –“

“Are you okay?”

Dongho’s eyes are wonderful, widened and gutting Daehwi’s insides out with how filled to the brim with concern they are. “Sure - why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“You didn’t touch your rice at lunch, in the studio you kept reaching for your knees like they hurt - “ Dongho’s fingers rifle through the pockets of his track pants to draw up a little package of  graham cookies that quickly end up in Daehwi’s palms. “Just eat, okay? You’ll feel better -  less hangry.”

Dongho’s laughing. He thinks the word ‘hangry’ is funny.

Daehwi’s not sure what’s more appalling – the fact his boyfriend thinks the word ‘hangry’ is funny or the fact that he physically cannot look at his boyfriend without wanting to throw up. “Cool?”

“All good?”

Dongho can’t know what Kahi said. If taking this pack of cookies will stop Dongho from talking to him for the rest of the day then it’s worth it, even if he can’t stomach the thought of eating right now. “Didn’t I just say so? Thanks for your concern though.” Daehwi flinches because even to his ears- he knows that doesn’t sound like he’s okay.

“Daehwi?” He nods, eyes shut as Dongho’s breath comes close to his ears, hand placed on his shoulders. “Don’t look so scared, okay? It’ll be fine. Remember –“ As always, his body runs on a different frequency than his mind – and at this volume dropped, sultry, whispered perfection – he’s leaning into Kang Dongho’s reassurance. “I’m voting for you.”

He opens his eyes. “I’ll vote for you too.”

“What a waste.” Dongho laughs. Harder than the other laughs Daehwi’s had to hear from him today because Dongho thinks it’s a joke.

Dongho thinks everything is a joke.

It hurts more than it should. “Why shouldn’t I vote for you?”

“Eh,” It’s a shrug. It’s a weakly worded excuse. It’s an irritating deadbeat way of looking at Kang Dongho’s pre-predicted bleak future. “I’m a lost cause.”

Those words alone are enough for Daehwi to push Dongho’s hands off his shoulders as he glares at him. “Fine, I won’t.”

“Daehwi-“

“Bye.”

Thankfully, the studio team is the one who helps him avoid Dongho next. “Super Hot – please follow Na PD-“

And in seconds they’re evaluating everyone’s center videos – starting with Sungwoon’s.

Sungwoon is reliable and stable as a main vocal. His light bubbly energy matches the song perfectly. If he's not going to vote for Dongho, then Sungwoon is a good pick to pursue.  

For the chick trainees, the team is forced into giggles because Seonho is tripping on himself and Guanlin is just effortlessly beautiful and stationary.

“Honestly – Seonho you did better than I thought you would so I was surprised.” Hyeongsub is complimenting Seonho – maybe –

But instead of answering Hyeongsub, Seonho has decided to use this opportunity to once again confuse Guanlin. “Hyung, who do you think did well?”

Without a moment’s hesitation, Guanlin confesses his love for Yoo Seonho to the world on camera. “For me – it’s you.”

“Then – I think it’s me too.” There’s a teasing grin on Seonho’s face, barely swallowed up by his intention to look cool on camera. “But really, both of us did well.”

Youngmin goes next and immediately Dongho is impressed but –

Not for long.

Daehwi bursts out laughing as Im Youngmin’s voice cracks live just as Dongho tries his best to muffle the laughs. “Honestly, before the off tune came out, it was seriously perfect -”

Seonho clears his throat and looks on reassuringly to Youngmin. “You did so well, hyung.”

“Thank you Seonho – I appreciate that but please don’t look so good at lying. It's scary from someone you're age.” Youngmin looks back towards the screen now where Hyeongsub has literally decided to kick the camera.

“You did well!” Samuel hollers clapping a hand on Hyeongsub’s back. In characteristic Hyeongsub shyness, Woojin’s Snow White hides his face from the camera. “Honestly – I was a bit jealous of you Hyeongsub-“ Now, Hyeongsub looks to Samuel confused as to why a trainee with a better rank than him would be jealous of him. “During our resting time in the first recording – you danced to Pick Me.” Hyeongsub colours again but this time with pride and his face stays level. “You do what you want. It’s admirable.”

“Thank you Samuel, but I don’t always do everything I want. Sometimes – I’m scared to stand out too.” Hyeongsub’s eyes glue themselves to Daehwi’s own as he says this – a mix of pride, admiration and fear on his face.

Daehwi clears his throat and looks away.

That doesn’t mean anything –

And thankfully, Dongho proves himself a useful distraction. “If Hyeongsub becomes center, he’ll definitely work very hard. You’d look good as center Hyeongsub. You’ve never been center right?”

“Not till now.” Daehwi’s sure now – he’s never seen someone bow their head as much as Hyeongsub. “Even being recognized by you all – with all your experience – thank you.”

“Eh – don’t be weird.” Sungwoon hits the pretty boy’s shoulders. “You deserve to know you’re good.”

Their conversation halts as a new center takes over the screen –

But this time Dongho turns away from the screen completely. “But isn’t he doing too well?”

Jonghyun looks both like he wants to kiss Dongho and punch Dongho at exactly the same time.

Daehwi can understand that feeling.

The room collapses into laughter shortly thereafter when Jonghyun – with much strained love in his voice – starts to scream “ _Girl she’s super –“_ Jonghyun on camera chokes for breath “ _Hawt!”_

“Kim Jonghyun for president-“

“Choi Minki.” Jonghyun groans, unable to stop the smile on his own face. “Sorry everyone –“

“Please, this is so cute!”  Samuel winks straight at Jonghyun who blushes and looks away.

“I think he’s the most like center when I just watch it.” Dongho puts his hands on his ears with the utmost professionalism depicted on his face. “Don’t listen, just watch.”

“Aish –“ Jonghyun’s pretty sad eyes turn to Dongho who is still laughing looking at his leader but Youngmin has taken pity on his fellow rapper.

“I don’t know if it’s because of his leader role – but watching the leader do it – center almost feels like it’s the pillar role of the group.”

“Ah – if it’s a pillar, I can do that too?” At Dongho’s words, Daehwi snorts openly, which then forces him to cover his mouth as Dongho snickers right back at him.

True to his word, Dongho dances exactly like a pillar.

“Uwah – Kang Dongho- you’re really just a pillar.” If Dongho had something – it may have been thrown at Sungwoon’s head.  “When Dongho comes out he really just grabs your attention.”

He gives into his temptation to say something, mostly because Dongho’s looking right at him and he’d rather be looking at Sungwoon. “I have that thought too.”

When Minki comes on, smiles blossom on all their faces. “You can really feel his character –“ Sungwoon instantly compliments as Minki bows his head.

“I could see that you had a lot of energy – “ Dongho affirms as Minki tries his best to appear subdued on camera.

“Ah, really?”

“Yeah, more than when we were promoting.” Daehwi is trying not to laugh but he’s failing miserably. It also doesn’t help that Samuel’s in tears beside them. “I was surprised!”

Minki says nothing. Which is probably life threatening.

The next nominee comes on and needs no introduction but Daehwi tries his best for the cameras. He’ll always be Samuel’s biggest fan. “Samuel always does well!”

“He was the center in ‘ _Show Time_ ’ too, wasn’t he?”

Dongho looks at Samuel for the response but since his friend is busy trying to deny his excellence Daehwi responds for him. “He was the center in ‘Get Ugly’ too.”

“So there’s a preconception towards him that he’ll do well.” Dongho finishes as Samuel tries his best to keep a straight face but he’s obviously over the moon that someone has noticed his potential and voiced it on film.

“And honestly – Muel was the temporary center in our team, wasn’t he? He did so well.” Samuel is giving him this look like he knows exactly what it is Daehwi is doing but Daehwi doesn’t mind – if it helps get Samuel center, Daehwi’ll do it.

Seonho, ever so lovely and ever so lazy, takes the bait. “If Samuel becomes the center, then we don’t have to change the formation?”

“We don’t have to change the formation.”

Seonho bites. “Muel, just do it.”

And then – it’s his turn. He goes quiet but Jonghyun turns to look at him encouragingly. “Daehwi, you’re cute.”

 “Samuel and you have overlapping vibes – but you’re more mischevious“  Don’t let Dongho see how you’re reacting to any of this Daehwi –

Daehwi’s thankful that Dongho isn’t saying anything more –

But then Dongho finishes off his commentary mimicking his last move and Daehwi crashes his head into the table.

Samuel starts with his own rendition of hyping him up. “Honestly – with Daehwi, we could be dancing the exact same choreography but he confidently expresses his own feel.”

“He definitely did well during ‘Nayana’ and if he becomes center now, I think he’ll do even better.” Dongho’s singing his praises – openly on camera.

This is something he should be happy about and he is –

But he’s become acutely aware of the fact that Youngmin has started to look at him with this very neutral expression.

It’s not as aggressive as Kahi’s and not as sad as Hyeongsub’s but just – factual.

This time – Daehwi doesn’t look away because Youngmin is someone he trusts.

Youngmin’s lips curl into themselves and he nods his head as he looks away first.

 

 

Shortly after, the Super Hot team is pushed into one of the many, now empty, practice rooms.

Honestly, Daehwi’s just happy they finally have a center because now the real practice starts and Ha Sungwoon is the definition of a dark horse. “Congrats hyung,” Samuel gives Sungwoon a high five that the shorter older man jumps to take.

“Yes, hyung, we’re proud of you. It’s a long way from Boy In Luv now –“ Daehwi laughs as Sungwoon pulls him into his side.

“I wanted to put my hand up for center then too – but you guys were so competitive.”

“Competition is a state of mind, hyung.” Daehwi laughs shaking his head. “And my mind is a little too preoccupied to fully focus on the competition nowadays, hyung.”

Sungwoon’s eyes dim a little looking at him but the brightness of his smile stays fixed as he ruffles his hair. “Don’t be so serious about everything, Daehwi-ya. If you were going to be this serious – you might as well have become a lawyer.”

“Lawyer?”

“Most boring career I could think of but you could also be a boring accountant, boring cook, boring office worker – honestly anything that’s not being an idol –“ Sungwoon is giggling, shaking his head. “Isn’t it boring for people like us?”

Daehwi’s stuck staring at Ha Sungwoon because he’s not wrong. 

Even the sound of any other path is inconceivable to his mind.

Samuel clears his throat. “Hyung – I think it’d be good if we talk about practicing one on one – there’s some pointers from Kahi sunbaenim and we may need you at the front more than before.”

“Later tonight, Muel-ah?”

Samuel nods his assurance just in time for Jonghyun to interrupt them all and make a speech of his own. “It’s been difficult – but all of you performed very well today. The trainers were impressed with all of you.” Jonghyun, as always, is wonderfully encouraging.  “It’s been a hard few days but – we’re just about half way through our last stage now and in just a few more of those days – this whole experience will feel like a dream.”

He’s tempted to tell Jonghyun he already feels like all of this is just a dream – that nothing is real and nothing lasts forever – but at the sound of his skeptical scoff, Jonghyun gives him a look and Daehwi bites his tongue.

Thankfully, Ahn Hyeongsub has had minimal experience with the chaperone version of Kim Jonghyun and has no problems demanding whatever it is he wants from him. “Hyung – can we take a break?”

Hyeongsub is looking at Jonghyun with a measure of desperation in his eyes. And maybe because now they’re so close to an end – the dictator Daehwi remembers from Never softens his approach just a little. “Sure. Let’s break – just come back in fifteen minutes okay?”

Hyeongsub jumps to his feet to run out of the room immediately.

And Dongho has found his way to his side again as Samuel and Sungwoon disappear to talk center strategy. “Are you ready to talk now?”

“We need to focus on practicing.” He’s expressionless as he responds to Dongho, only his incessant need to fidget with his shirt is giving away how nervous he is.

“Are you okay? I mean – I know you’re okay but – after what happened in the room – ”

God – Dongho thinks he cares about the center role.

Dongho thinks he’s disappointed he didn’t get it.

Yes, Daehwi did want it – but he wanted it on merit.

And, hell, he’s the one who voted for Ha Sungwoon – and he’s HAPPY he did it.

Sungwoon deserves it. Sungwoon’s going to make a better center than Daehwi ever would. Sungwoon is a better actor.

After all, if Sungwoon’s unhappy – it won’t show on screen. Daehwi can provide no such assurances as center.

So instead of responding to his boyfriend – Daehwi clears his throat and looks to Jonghyun to try his own luck at an escape. “Hyung, I’m going back to the bedroom – is that okay?”

Jonghyun looks confused. There’s not enough time for him to walk back to the rooms and come back to practice in 15 minutes but the look on his face is so stressed that even Kim Jonghyun knows it’s in his best interests to let Daehwi wander away from the camera’s watchful eyes.

Daehwi’s sent off with the smallest of head nods and hand waves.

Now Kang Dongho is left confused, a fish out of water, because Daehwi’s not normally this good at turning him away.

Before Dongho can ask him anything more, Daehwi marches off towards the exit.

Honestly, his boyfriend doesn’t deserve to be yanked back and forth like this but Daehwi’s not sure how else to handle the thoughts scattered in his head.

People know.

Kahi.

Maybe Hyeongsub.

Probably Youngmin.

People who really shouldn’t know – people Daehwi is sure neither of them told.

Which only means – in his mind – that everyone knows.

Is it really a problem?

It’s not like it changes anything for him.

But he’s not too sure if Dongho feels the same way.

What if Dongho only likes him in shadows?

What if Dongho only likes him in cars?

Or what if Dongho doesn’t actually feel the way he does – ever? What if that’s the reason he doesn’t try? What if that’s the reason he’s always looking for an escape? What if that’s the reason Daehwi feels like he has an expiration date on him?

In all fairness, Dongho had the upper hand coming into this relationship. Dongho had even tried to warn him – ‘ _it’s not worth it – it won’t make sense –‘_

A part of him wants to run away from Kang Dongho just as much as it wants to run to him, if only to simplify his world once again

There’s no way Daehwi can let Dongho know any of that.

_Make sure you can walk away without any regrets._

Kahi’s words are just words. They don’t have to mean anything. People say stupid shit all the time.

But Kahi’s words are also words.

Words hold weight and these words?

These words come armed with a sharpened edge, perfectly wedged in the centre of his ribs begging him to release the pressure within.

“Care for some company?” Daehwi doesn’t need him right now.

“I just need some space.” He clears his throat so Dongho feels relatively reassured that he doesn’t need to be here. “You should go back to practice – they’re probably starting soon.”

“I should. Did you see me dance?” Dongho giggles, happy in light of his subpar performance. Despite this claim, Kang Dongho’s feet don’t turn back to the practice room.

Instead, Dongho leans down dangerously close to his ears, a move so reminiscent of last night that it makes Daehwi’s heart stop in his chest as his skin aches to feel the other man on him again. Another facet of confusion. “Cameras -”

Dongho rolls his eyes but backs away understandably. “Like you care.”

He doesn’t.

Not really.

At least, that’s what he’d like to think. “Jonghyun does.”

At that Dongho’s collapsed into a fit of laughs again. “Like it matters what that guy thinks.”

Daehwi wants to ask if it matters what Kahi thinks but he knows better than to spring such a fight inducing comment in the dorm hallways. “Do you care about what anyone thinks of you? Your performance-”

“I really fucked it up, didn’t I? The center evaluation?”

Why won’t Dongho stop laughing?

It’s not funny.

How can Dongho, at the stage he is in his career, think that not trying his hardest at something is funny?

His silence is response enough because Dongho launches into an explanation. “I mean – its fine that I didn’t do well. I didn’t really care about getting center. Fuck up or no fuck up – it won’t really make a difference for me.”

Now, Daehwi wants to hit him.

This is what he hates about Kang Dongho.

Dongho will never fight as hard as he does for anything.

Dongho never fought for them in the first place.

So in the end – Daehwi’s the only one who will ever fight – for anything - ever.

That’s exhausting. How is that fair?

Daehwi wants to tell Dongho this too.

But he knows better than to spring such a fight inducing comment in the dorm hallways – even if he is overwhelmingly frustrated with Kang Dongho right now – he isn’t ready to lose him. “Why?”

“It doesn’t make a difference because all I wanted was for you to do really well – you have my love as a national producer, trainee Lee Daehwi.” Dongho makes a scrunched face adorably like he’s trying to get him to laugh. But how is Daehwi supposed to laugh at him when his eyes are burning so hot that he has to blink rapidly to chase away the liquid he feels flooding his gaze. “Daehwi – you’re not talking – is everything okay?”

Everything is not okay.

How the fuck is ANYTHING supposed to be okay? How can Dongho be so fucking deluded that he doesn’t even see what’s happening before his eyes? That he’s already started putting distance between them in the name of some stupid evaluation?

But he can’t say a word.

If he says any of what he’s feeling - he’ll mess up. He’ll tell Dongho something he can’t take back and Dongho will be hurt. And when Dongho’s hurt – he’s hurt too.

So he’ll be quiet.

Being quiet is only a self-preservation tactic.

Since he can no longer lie convincingly that he’s okay he starts to walk, feet flying past squeaky floors, praying beyond all hope that Dongho will not follow him.

Unfortunately, Dongho does not take this as an invitation to turn back – instead he races ahead of him and starts to walk backwards so they can face each other.

This is both irritating to look at and dangerous because now Daehwi’s eyes are searching the path for obstacles that would cause his boyfriend to trip and hurt himself. “Stop walking like that. You’re going to hurt yourself.”  Dongho stops, perfectly in his path and Daehwi crashes head first into his chest. “Why did you stop walking?”

“You told me to?” The vein in Daehwi’s eyebrow twitches just as his boyfriend takes advantage of their position, smirking, leaning, inching to his face with a smarmy irritating grin on his lips.

“Just walk properly – I really don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I don’t mind taking the risk –“ Dongho reaches  down for his hands, eyes twinkling. “I really like the view from here.” The tips of their fingers press lightly against each other, painful and electric all at once. “Come on, tell me what’s wrong? You’ve been weird all day. Did you end up eating the cookies? Cause after that dance – I could probably use some if you have any left? Let’s share.”

A part of him, inside the crevices of his heart, recognizes what is happening. This is the first time in the short duration of their relationship that Dongho has been this proactive about wanting to be there for him

And Daehwi loves him for it – loves him for it more than he’d thought possible given he’d thought he reached full capacity last night -

But this is not a struggle Dongho’s lips and words can fix for him.

This is a fight Daehwi has to win in his mind because that’s the only way he can guarantee that he won’t regret any of the choices he’s made for the man who won’t try now that he understands the full  gravity of what this relationship means.

It might mean disapproving glances. It might mean distance. It might mean pain.

And he has to be ready for all of that just as much as he has to be ready to whisper warmly worded promises into Dongho’s pink tipped ears –

Daehwi wants to define them beyond reasonable measure.

He wants to love him freely.

He pushes past Dongho, walking into their bedroom and shutting the door behind him before Dongho makes it through.

It’s all pointless.

They don’t live in a free world.

Dongho comes into the room seconds later but he doesn’t say anything.

Daehwi doesn’t say anything either.

But his silence is no longer helping because words may mean weight but his actions have said everything his lips cannot say today.

And now, the air between them rests stale and quiet.

Dongho’s leaning against the frame, all expressions of mirth absent from his face. “What the hell was that?”

A part of him argues to let Dongho in – to let Dongho’s soft eyes, kind words, and hesitant lips solve the problem for him.

Because isn’t that how relationships work?

Aren’t they supposed to talk?

Aren’t they supposed to feel safe talking to each other?

So, why doesn’t he feel that way?

He shakes his head.

_Don’t say anything you’ll regret, Daehwi._

_Remember that you want to win._

_Remember that you want him._

_Remember that this will all be worth it._

_He can’t handle your confusion._

_He’ll use that as an excuse._

_Figure this out yourself._

_Or you’ll be all alone._

_And you’ll lose._

_Everything._

_Again._

_Remember._

_Remember._

_Remember._

“What? Are you permanently picking up my bad habits now? I just want you to talk to me, Daehwi.” Dongho’s hands worm over his waist to remove his mic. They could get in trouble for this. When filming is on - mic removal is prohibited.

He lets Dongho do whatever he wants anyways. In the grand scheme of things, this isn’t the worst rule they’ve broken.

In seconds, both mics are kept aside on Jonghyun’s bed and switched off to afford them the smallest modicum of privacy. “Jonghyun said Kahi noona wanted to change your choreography and suggested they put you at the back-“

Fuck, that’s what he thinks this is about?

Does Dongho really think he’s that immature?

“That’s fine. I’m over that.”

“What then? Are you jealous that she suggested Sungwoon take your spot with me? I kind of like the idea I can make you jealous –“ For some reason unbeknownst to him, Kang Dongho starts to flush an adorable shade of red that has the effect of melting Daehwi’s confusion just the slightest. “I’ve never made anyone jealous before –”

“I don’t think I have a reason to be jealous of him.”

Dongho steps closer to him.

He picks up Daehwi’s hands, fingers closed over each other until Daehwi feels their foreheads touch and Dongho’s heart pulsing through the centre of his palms.

Dongho smiles down at him, happy.

Daehwi looks up at him, worried.

Dongho uses their still joined limbs to pull them to the left lower bunk bed, crawling so most of their faces remain hidden from the cameras above their beds. “Come on – please – just tell me what happened? What’s got you acting like this today?”

“It’s nothing. Honestly –“ His boyfriend pinches his sides. “What are you doing?”

“Tickling you until you cave. You cave pretty easily when I’m tickling you if last night’s anything to go by-” Dongho’s fingers feel painfully slow and light on his waist, dancing lightly until an unwilling smile crosses Daehwi’s expression. “Did you know?”

“Know what? Please – stop – this isn’t even fair-” 

“Psht – who cares about fair? You’re cuter when I’m making you laugh –“

“Stop that - you’re not supposed to be good at this flirting thing.” Dongho’s red, Dongho’s giggly, Dongho’s so freaking happy today – it isn’t helping anything.  And yet despite everything hanging on his head – Daehwi is smiling because Dongho’s fingers have never forgotten their mission and tickling is an easy way to make him cave – a forced physical lie.

“I’m not trying to – flirt. It just happens, naturally.”

“Well, please stop being so good at it.”

“Why? Afraid you have competition?” Dongho’s head lands on his right shoulder just as Daehwi’s fingers reach upwards to fiddle with his boyfriend’s already roughened stubble. “Are we good to talk now?”

He should trust Dongho.

He should let them take care of how he’s feeling together.

That’s the healthy thing to do.

So – he’ll take a leap of faith.

“Kahi knows – about us – I think.”  This is okay to say, right? How much can Dongho really take from that? “What do you think?”

“Do you care? If she knows?”

“Don’t you?” Unexpectedly, Dongho is shaking his head. “She said we – don’t fit –“ Now that the words are actually out of his mouth, he feels stupid saying any of this to Dongho at all.

“Does someone else get to decide how you and I fit together, Daehwi?” Dongho’s reaction is neutral, logical and approaching the situation with sense.

“No but – “ Daehwi’s reaction is to spew his mess at Dongho because with every passing reply – he feels like he’s made this whole thing up in his head and that can’t possibly be the case – “She asked me to not regret any choices I’ve made – “

This time, he’s hit a nerve. “Daehwi, do you regret something?” With Kahi – it had been easy to stay silent because she wanted to lecture him. With Dongho – it’s a much harder exercise but he’s not sure the words can come out as confidently as he wants them to. “It’s okay, Daehwi - if you’re uncomfortable – I mean – you need to tell me – so we decide how to handle –   “ Daehwi groans loudly, jolting Dongho into silence.

This is why Daehwi hadn’t wanted to tell him anything.

He can already hear the end of that sentence blaring loudly in his mind like an alarm.

_How do we handle letting each other go?_

Dongho’s constant need to find an excuse to wander away from him is what started this mess in his mind in the first place.

It always leaves him feeling small, insignificant – worthless to the man he’s taken the biggest risk of his life for. “Why do we always end up here?”

“Where?”

“Where you want to leave me – is that all you spend your time thinking about?” He looks towards the window because he can’t bear to look at Dongho.

Dongho looks towards him because he can’t bear to look away. “Do you really think that’s what I was about to say?”

“It’s hard to know what to think when you don’t trust me – not really – ” His body slacks against a wall, half expecting Dongho’s frame stuck to his to follow suit but –

He doesn’t.

Dongho stays sitting up, face turned away from him.

It’s when Daehwi can’t see his face that he realizes he’s been a bit unfair to Dongho.

Dongho has changed, little by little. It's the smallest of needle shifts – but it’s a change nevertheless. “I don’t trust you? That’s what you think?”

He doesn’t trust him - he's made it painfully obvious but Daehwi can't respond with that truth because now their conversation has set foot on a path of relative destruction. “Look - I didn’t mean to overreact – to what Kahi said – and then overreact with you-”

“It’s okay.” Daehwi reaches for his hand just a little too late because Dongho’s already lifted himself off the mattress. “If you’re feeling better, we should get back.” It should be fine – things should feel okay now because they’ve talked – but they don’t. So Daehwi’s on his feet, racing to the door just in time to step in front of Dongho, purposefully blocking the other man’s path. “Daehwi – what are you doing?”

Daehwi’s already weak smile falters when he examines Dongho’s expression – so changed from just a few minutes ago. “I like the view from here.”

“You starting to plagiarize me now?” Dongho ruffles his hair, shifting past his slighter frame with ease. “I’m a real star you know, I could sue – “

His shoulders slump forward as he catches the sound of the doorknob twisting.

He can’t let Dongho leave the room like this – something feels off – the entire atmosphere of this conversation has left him feeling choked. “I’m sorry.”

He’s not even sure what he’s apologizing for – but those words feel like the right words to say.

“Don’t be sorry, you should tell me these things. That’s part of what it means - to try this thing out properly.” The words are meant to be comforting and, in a universe where Dongho’s sad eyes connect with his pathetic ones, maybe they could have been. “I’m not a mind-reader and – if you tell me what’s wrong – then at least I know how you feel.”

Does he want to know though?

Dongho doesn’t really want to hear what Daehwi’s thinking. Already Daehwi knows he’s hurt Dongho, even if the other man is doing his best to cover it up. “Can we just get out of here for a bit -? Like last night-?”

“Every night is probably not a smart idea – “

“I know but we don’t spend enough time together, alone, and this place – it messes with my head – ”

“Daehwi – you shouldn’t be using our nights out as a means to run away from the competition –“

He feels a ball form in his throat when his fingers reach for Dongho’s slackened hand.

Dongho’s eyes flash with uncertainty as Daehwi pulls them back towards the bed.

“We don’t need to – go out – necessarily –”

“Daehwi – not right now – “ Dongho urges him to look around them.

But he can’t. If he looks, he’ll be held back down to reality again and reality sucks.

Right now he’s blinded by his desire to fix, fix, fix.

And he only knows one way to fix them.

Instead, his hands wander up Dongho’s arms. He’s allowed to use his grip to pull Dongho down.

It’s a strange feeling.

Dongho’s normally pliant and flexible to his fingers now, but this – this lack of resistance, feels different.

It feels like he’s fighting – as always.

And it feels like Dongho’s just passing through, stubborn and quiet.

Dongho doesn’t look up.

Dongho doesn’t smile.

It’s not really permission.

He knows he’s not really supposed to be trying to kiss him right now because nothing about that says healthy but this relationship hasn’t really ever felt ‘healthy’ to him.

Not that he knows what a healthy relationship looks like - but somehow he has a feeling that it’s not the two of them, on a survival show, with millions of eyes watching their every move.

All he knows is that when Dongho’s lips are pressed just right on his that’s when he’s hypnotized. That’s when he can numb his brain. That’s when Dongho does his breathing for him and he’s left feeling puppeteered, lost to the sounds of their voices shifting, longing, praying.

Their breaths grow softer –

Closer-

Air mixing where really their mouths ought to be and - 

Dongho ducks to the side.

He’s been rejected before.

By Dongho, once.

Theoretically, it shouldn’t hurt. Daehwi fixed it back then too.

But somehow in this position with Dongho’s head cowered into his neck, quiet sighs echoing between both of them Daehwi finds it hard to breathe all by himself.

“Daehwi-“ Why does Dongho love saying his name so much when he almost never says anything good after it? “Don’t. Please.”

Is it so bad?

Is it so bad for him to want to go back to what they’re used to?

Can’t they kiss their way into an ‘its okay’?

Even if it’s wrong - they’ve done it a million times before.

“Okay.” He’s lying. He’s not okay.

It’s fair now.

Dongho lies to him and Daehwi’s learning to lie back.

“Let’s go back – we’ve been here too long.” With the discovery of an appropriate excuse, Dongho’s voice gains conviction as it asks to run away from him.

“Okay.” He tries but Daehwi isn’t quite able to keep the irritation out of his voice as his mouth makes more mistakes. “It’s what you want so – let’s leave –”

Dongho lifts his head, eyes visibly hurt. “Seriously? Again? You want to say that one more time a little louder for the thousand other times I haven’t heard you, Daehwi?”

Well, what other explanation is there? Why else has Daehwi been left here feeling like a fool? “What else am I supposed to think?”

“Nothing. You’re supposed to think – nothing.”

“I’m sorry but this isn’t nothing to me.”

Dongho pulls off him and Daehwi looks up to the ceiling to avoid the flood he feels surrounding him yet again. “That isn’t what I meant and you know that. What more do I have to say to make you realize what it is you mean to me?”

“Nothing.” He parrots. “You don’t have to say anything more.”

Dongho’s eyes frown at his petty choice of words. “Let’s just go – please – before this starts to feel worse.” It already feels worse. “I’m going first. Come later – or don’t come.”

Oh.

That’s what that is.

He’d almost forgotten what it felt like to be afraid of Kang Dongho.

Almost.

He lunges forward to wrap his arms over Dongo’s neck forcing the other man’s face to look at his. “Seriously – Daehwi – stop. I’m really not – into this right now.”

“After saying that, do you really think I can just let you walk away?” Dongho makes a move to shift away but Daehwi locks them in harder, faces yanked to each other in a rough move that has Dongho twist uncomfortably in his grasp.

Despite his best efforts, Dongho shuts down, eyes squeezed shut, lips shaking with every exhale.

It’s quiet, the type of quiet that follows a terrible storm at sea. “Say something – tell me something – “

“Daehwi –“ Dongho’s eyelids flicker open and closed, like lights that aren’t quite working, blinking away torrents of electric malfunction. “You’re just fucking around.”

Daehwi’s eyes can’t stay open. His own lights have dimmed, softened in the shaded glow of the aftermath of them.

_Keep it together, Daehwi._

_This isn’t the first time he’s said something that hurts you._

_This isn’t the first time he’s messed you up._

_This won’t be the last time either._

_Remember. Remember. Remember._

So he stays silent.

He’s hoping that means Dongho will be silent too.

But Dongho’s not done.

“You say whatever you want and I have to deal with it. I don’t even mind because I want to be there, Daehwi. Just looking at you makes me happy – just standing beside you – makes me feel like a winner –  you’re ridiculous – and stupid – and amazing –“

Daehwi’s hands slip from Dongho’s neck to hang loosely at his sides but Dongho moves away from him.

Why is he saying this now?

Why is he saying any of this right now?

But Dongho’s not done yet.

“I mess things up – it’s practically in my DNA at this point, but why do I have to come back and hear this shit? What more can I even do at this point? What more do I have left in me to show you?” His laughs sound like sobs and Daehwi’s heart breaks as he looks up at Dongho, shaking his head begging him to stop but Dongho can’t see him because his eyes stay focused on his lap. “Is there something I’m not doing enough of? Can’t it be enough that I’m here? Can’t it be enough that I try to give us a semblance of a normal relationship? Can’t it be enough that I’ve stopped caring what anyone else thinks because you’re the only person whose thoughts even matter to me right now? Just – stop fucking around.”

Finally, Dongho’s quiet. His body slumped from the weight of everything that rests in the air above their heads.

And now Daehwi’s the one who has to muffle his insides from screaming because, with every word out of Dongho’s mouth, he’s been forced to admit that he’s not perfect either. 

And the realization that he’s hurt Dongho – both in the game and emotionally – is more than Daehwi can swallow back today.

So he tries to reach forward, through his own anguish. Unfamiliar. Careful.

He’s seen a lot of Dongho’s faces.

But this one, right now, that trembles as his palms cup his cheeks has hurt him more than anything else he’s ever felt. “I’m sorry.” Dongho doesn’t answer him but Daehwi can wait. “I’m sorry.”

He’s not patient but Dongho has taught him that not everything runs at his pace.

So he’ll stand there – like a man at an execution line – waiting for the guns to point to his chest until all that’s left of him is the bloody remains of his heart on the wall.

A breath releases from Dongho’s chest.

“It’s nothing, Daehwi. It’s nothing -”

That’s not fair.

Daehwi’s trying.  Daehwi’s fighting. Again.

And Dongho’s passive. Again.

Dongho deserves to know why he’s so scared. Dongho deserves to know that he’s hurt him too.

 “That’s not what it sounded like –“ Dongho tries once again to get away from him but Daehwi leans downwards towards his face insistently. “I’m always here. Why don’t you tell me anything?” Dongho looks up at him shaking his head. “It’s why we’re like this right now – you know that right?” Dongho stills, stubbornly solid in his grasp and Daehwi’s certain they’re not going to end this in a good place.

But maybe they need to go to the bad place to come back to the good place. “How can I tell you anything?” Dongho weakens shaking his head. “I’m supposed to make this easy on you – I’m supposed to make sure you don’t get hurt or do anything stupid –“

“If this is supposed to be easy – why does it feel like the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life? Why do I feel like I’m the only person left trying? Why do I feel like I’m the one who is here fighting for us to stay together and you’ve automatically given up?” He takes a deep breath, carefully wording his next question. “Why do you get to use me as an excuse to walk away from your career?”

Dongho looks up at him with eyes that make Daehwi feel like he is both the most precious and most horrible gift to ever befall Kang Dongho’s existence. “Daehwi - if you can’t tell how hard I’ve been trying this whole time –“ Dongho pauses, pondering all the possible universes his next words will birth. “I don’t think I want to try anymore.”

For a second, it doesn’t feel like anything.

Then it feels like he has to throw up.

But before anything else can happen – Dongho lunges up from the bed and barges out of the room.

And Daehwi’s left standing – feeling something else.

Alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm pretty sure everyone will hate me right now - BUT I DID THIS FOR A REASON I SWEAR. 
> 
> okay that's all i'm going to say for now. (i really hope i'm not going to get tomatoed for this but if i get tomatoed for this i understand TT.TT)
> 
> i'm sorry and i love you all and you don't deserve this angst.


	24. Runaway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay.
> 
> hopefully. 
> 
> i make things a little better this chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~except probably not really.~~
> 
>  
> 
> Also please proceed with caution. I do make mention of one thing that may feel sad and squeamish. I hope I addressed it appropriately but it's canon technically and it makes sense to be what would happen and ties back to the plot - but once again - if I made someone squeamish I do truly apologize and if there's something you find wrong with it please let me know and I will do my best to correct it.

Daehwi trudges his weakened frame back to the practice room in the hopes that Dongho will have found his way there.

But he hasn't.

Thankfully, the studio crew seems to have enough footage for the day and they barely notice Dongho’s disappeared into thin air.

So, Daehwi trudges his weakened frame to dinner in the hopes that he’ll find him there. Dongho loves to eat. Surely - he wouldn't skip a meal - 

But he has. 

Thankfully, the cafeteria staff haven’t noticed that there’s one less mouth to feed but -

"Where's Dongho?"

Hwang Minhyun has noticed.

"Dunno." Minki responds with measures of ' _I don't care_ ' and ' _I'm actually really worried_ ' in his voice. 

This is an insufficient response for Minhyun who rolls his eyes and takes it upon himself to place three calls and send countless messages to various group chats if the sound of Jonghyun and Minki’s phones are anything to run by. "Why isn't he responding?"

This time, Jonghyun shrugs. "Dunno."

Daewhi stops eating and excuses himself before they connect the pieces together and realize he's the reason Dongho isn't here right now.

So Daehwi skips dinner. He skips after dinner practice. Hell, he skips the showers and instead - he skips to the parking lot.

For him, this parking lot is like a waiting room and usually he gets called out of this room fairly quickly but today he has a chance to notice that there's a battered and beat bench underneath the yellow light that hangs over the studio exit.

So he sits and he waits. 

And as he waits - he realizes that he has a lot of time.

It’s an odd sensation to see time on his side. Seconds are starting to feel like minutes and minutes feel like hours and so he feels like every moment is one he’s forced to think in.

Dongho could be out in Seoul.

He could even be hiding in the studio behind him.

Hell, Kang Dongho could be halfway to Japan by now. 

Maybe after they spoke Dongho ran to the car-

And maybe once he ran far enough – Dongho realized that he had to run back –

So maybe - when Dongho runs back to this lot - maybe Daehwi can run to him and ask him for clarity - maybe he can ask for reassurance that they aren’t broken – and ask for it to be okay.

But Dongho doesn’t come back and so - it’s not okay.

And maybe that's just something he has to go to bed with today.

So Daehwi weakly trudges back to his bedroom, surprised to find that Jonghyun's still awake - but obviously not waiting for him. “Daehwi – what happened?" Their leader’s eyes are seeking his with an obvious question that Daehwi doesn’t want to address.

“I’m sorry.” He climbs up the frame to his bed, all too aware of the empty one that rests below his feet. By all measures, he hasn’t explained what it is he’s sorry for and Jonghyun should be demanding an explanation from him - but he doesn’t.

Maybe it’s because Daehwi’s young – or maybe it’s because Jonghyun pities his foolish heart but at the end of the day Daehwi is just thankful that Jonghyun has let him attempt to fall asleep in the wee hours of the morning between 1AM and 3AM without pushing him for more information.

Sleep, however, is an escape from reality. It's a coping mechanism that he doesn’t quite deserve. So it’s no surprise to him that today his sleep is restless and fitful.

And it's only all too easy for him to wake up when the door cracks open to showcase the shadowed silhouette of two figures. He wants to jolt awake but he holds himself steady at the sound of Minhyun’s voice. “How is he?”

“Fine – " His heart finally slows and Daehwi has to stop himself from sighing in relief because Dongho is safe. "He was confused because he didn’t expect me to pick him up at the airport but - it's fine. Someone should be there and flights from LA always land so late -”

“Not your job, Kang Dongho.” Jonghyun yawns, lecture always present on his lips for Dongho.

“I actually don’t have a job right now and, if I did, it wouldn’t be to be here listening to all of you.” Dongho scoffs, huffing and puffing and crashing into his bed with a force that makes the whole frame shake like he's trying to wake him up. "Besides I hid really well at the airport - no one recognized me and no one cares about Aron yet. So, don’t worry."

Daehwi stays silent.

Jonghyun has no need to. “Minhyun- get back to your room. It's late. You need sleep."

"Ouch. Dismissed so easily." Minhyun's laughing but Dongho’s groaning, obviously in no rush to be left alone with Kim Jonghyun's wrath. “Are you really that angry?” Minhyun sounds unnaturally cautious around Jonghyun.

“Beyond. We lucked out that no one bugged us about him today -”

“Oh - I don't care about Dongho. I'm angry at him too."

"When are you guys not upset with me again?" Dongho's words are ignored as Daehwi hears Minhyun's frame shuffle forward. "Feels like that's one thing that's pretty constant now."

"What about me? You're not angry at me right?" Minhyun laughs, a deep warm affectionate laugh that sheds some of it's own infectious heat onto Daehwi, compelling him to claw his way to the edge of his bunk bed to take a peek at what's happening below him.  

“Please, just looking at your face makes me angry.” Jonghyun teases and maybe it's the barely lit room but Daehwi thinks he can see something brazen in his gaze right now. Like maybe in the dark, Jonghyun lets himself run free as his hands twirl up Minhyun's before he breaks into giggles that have Minhyun giggling right beside him.

“It’s unfortunate that not everyone in this world is born as good looking as me – but you know – people seem to like you for your personality- that's got to count for something-" Minhyun's stopped from saying anything else because Jonghyun has grabbed his pillow to whack it into Minhyun's face. An effort that is immediately rendered useless when Minhyun catches the pillow in his hands and uses it to push Jonghyun back on his bed and climb on top of him. "Excuse me - that was so rude - I was talking -"

"Go. To. Sleep." Jonghyun's words are laced with humor and concern but his breaths shake with anticipation and something else Daehwi thinks he recognizes. "Insomniac."

“Takes one to know one.” Minhyun teases back, head launching itself onto Kim Jonghyun's chest. "Ya - Dongho - would it be completely inappropriate for me to just lie down on top of Jonghyun and fall asleep?" His loudly whispered words cause Minki to stir from the top but even as Daehwi watches Minki sneak a glance downwards - he says nothing. 

"I would really prefer it if I didn't have to answer questions like this." Since Daehwi can't look at him, he can only assume the little beeps coming from below him are from Dongho playing a game on his phone. "BUT at the same time - I'm not getting lectured so - yeah - do whatever you guys want - I'm going to bed."

Minhyun coos happily at a barely resistant Kim Jonghyun. "You heard the man, Kim Jonghyun-nim. It's confirmed. I'm staying. Can't get rid of me now." 

"Watch me try." At the sound of that, Jonghyun melts his fixed stance, letting his frame sink under the weight of Minhyun's larger form. "Do you miss us that much?”

“You? Always.” Minhyun's admission has Jonghyun's eyes widening and the room in a blanket silence until he laughs scratching the back of his neck awkwardly but still not shifting off his leader. "Aron and Minki have done nothing wrong so they can stay but Dongho I can live without right now, to be honest."

From below him, Daehwi hears the sound of Dongho clearing his throat. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Minhyun turns his head sweetly to his friend - almost prodding the apology out of him before he's forced to offer one to Jonghyun himself.

“For me.” Dongho answers, sullen and sad.

"It's fine." Jonghyun is appeased, waving his hands in dismissal. It's only then that Daehwi catches Minhyun wink straight at Dongho like this is all part of their master plan to get Jonghyun to forgive Dongho. “He was sorry too, you know. Probably for you.” Jonghyun gestures vaguely towards his bed and Daehwi quickly pushes himself to be as close to the wall as possible.

Fuck, that was a close call.

“Why should he be sorry? Everything's fine." Dongho's lying through his teeth but since he's doing his best to play his disappearance off as something casual, who is Daehwi to disrupt Dongho's facade? “Get the fuck out of here Minhyun.”

“Sure, you’ll stick around tomorrow? Don't need me in here to guard the door?"

"I'm not going to dignify this ridiculous claim with a response -"

"All right all right - Jonghyun-ah, I need a good night kiss -"

This time Jonghyun blushes bright red as he uses the pillow on his chest to push Minhyun's laughing frame off his body. "Get out. It's already the morning - who gets a good night kiss in the morning -"

"Even better, good morning kiss then -" Jonghyun manages to push Minhyun's still laughing form out of the door before he shuts the door and stands there, eyes fixed on the spot Minhyun had been standing heavy breaths collapsing in his chest as he turns back to his bed.

Daehwi ponders if he should head down now, Dongho is still awake - is it okay for them to talk more now? 

Or should he let Jonghyun fall asleep?

In the end, he stays stationary and lets the seconds slip by him until he hears the perfectly paced breathing of a sleeping Dongho.

It’s good that he’s memorized that sound, he supposes. It allows him the luxury to crawl back down his bed, until he’s back on the floor in front of him.

He should come up with something to say to him tomorrow.

Like – _Kang Dongho – help me see you the way I should._

Or maybe – _Kang Dongho – you’re worth everything._

Or maybe – Kang Dongho – I love you.

As always, when he's asleep, Dongho’s eyes are squished in towards each other, one deep line forming between his brows as hot puffs of air leave his lips.

This time, Daehwi doesn’t touch him, because that luxury has been snatched out of his hands – and since he made such an obvious effort to not respect Dongho’s wishes earlier today – the least he can do is try to respect them now.

So he crawls back up to his bed to slip back under the covers.

He sleeps a little bit better when he matches the sequence of his breathing to Dongho’s own. 

 

 

 

 

“EVERYONE, be downstairs in fifteen minutes please. We have a recording for both teams -” The studio hand’s words call out over breakfast and Daehwi quickly slurps back the remainder of the seaweed soup.

“Is Dongho still sleeping?” Jonghyun’s question towards him leaves his brain feeling muddled.

“I guess?” Maybe – yeah – Dongho is still sleeping but there’s no way for Daehwi to give Jonghyun that confirmation considering said boyfriend hasn’t said a word to him and early this morning Daehwi practically ran out of the room. Daehwi wants to leave it up to him now. Dongho should approach him if Dongho’s the one who left him – Dongho’s the one who should let them know he’s okay.

That way – Daehwi will know that Dongho’s not just coming back to him because Daehwi's the one asking for him to return. “He should eat something soon or he won’t get to eat at all-”

“I can go get him.” Hwang Minhyun’s kind face descends upon them and Jonghyun, while he’s not coughing, is surprised to see Minhyun here. “I could use a break from OngNielHwan and after yesterday -”

“He’s fine.” Jonghyun grits his teeth together as he glances around the cameras. “He just loves not following schedules. Besides - you’re not calling them that all the time, are you?”

“Sure, I can. I gave birth to that devilish trinity.” Minhyun grins, coming over to sit right by Jonghyun's side. He makes the other man turn to stone when his longer limbs cross Jonghyun's shoulders easily, a large fluffy head taking full advantage of Kim Jonghyun’s shorter smaller one.

“Get off me – your head is heavy. And don’t go bothering Dongho – stay by your team.”

“Hey man – I’m the only person here who can wake him up – besides maybe questionable company.” Minhyun glances at him teasingly. Daehwi can’t quite find it in him to even smile at the other man. His lack of reaction has Minhyun’s eyes grow confused. No one knows then. At least, for now. “I’ll head out to your room then – right?”

Daehwi stares after Minhyun's departing form, letting out a breath that leaves his chest shallow of air.

Does Dongho like to sleep in a lot? He didn’t know that.

Most of the time – on this show at least – Dongho's awake before he's even had a chance to let consciousness touch his eyes.

How much does he really know about Dongho, anyways?

But his thoughts are silenced when he feels Im Youngmin's hands disrupt his internal conflict by touching his forehead. “Hyung – what?”

“You’ve been looking sick lately.” Youngmin responds with equal measures of care and irritation in his tone. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Me?” He laughs. “Hyung, I’m fine.” Sure, he's having trouble breathing – and sure – he may be developing a permanent heart arrhythmia because he appears to have given a vital part of it away to a man who wants nothing to do with him-

But – he’s fine.

He’s fine.

Or he will be.

Youngmin is unconvinced. “If you’re going to lie, make it look believable.”

“What?” The forced sparkle in his gaze dims slightly, as he becomes aware of the way Minki and Jonghyun exchange looks at the table and Samuel looks at him worried. "Hyung – I’m fine.”

Youngmin shakes his head and turns back to his soup, mumbles only softened by loud slurps. “You can tell me you know – “

“I’m bad at that.” This time the forlorn sign leaving Daehwi’s lips is followed by a wistful smile. “Telling people what they want to hear. I’m bad at that.”

Youngmin’s spoon settles in his bowl as he looks at him a little closer. “Daehwi –“

 A loud ring resounds on the table and Daehwi's attention turns to Jonghyun who has pulled out his phone at the exact same time as Minki. Perfectly in sync, both boys turn to look at each other with identical expressions of anxiety. “What is it?”

“Nothing that really – Nothing, Daehwi.” Minki looks to Jonghyun for assistance but Jonghyun shakes his head.

“I don’t get it – he came back –“

“He’s run away again?” Jonghyun turns to look at Daehwi's blank face with the sort of expression that houses both apology and blame and Daehwi can’t help but laugh. “God, is this typical of him?”

“Daehwi –“ No, seriously. How ridiculous.

How utterly fucking ridiculous is it that he’s been sitting here dancing around Kang Dongho’s feelings and his needs when Dongho doesn’t care at all about how he feels or what his needs are.

“Daehwi, unless you’d like to explain to everyone here why you think he’s felt the need to run away - I think you should keep your opinions to yourself.” Minki looks pained, exhausted and sad in a way that makes Daehwi feel guilty that he’s had to involve any of them in this – thing – he has with Dongho at all.

So he keeps his bitter thoughts to himself out of respect to Minki and Jonghyun.

Instead, Youngmin does his best to try to gain some context into his boyfriend’s disappearance. “I don’t understand – how – he wouldn’t be able to go - these are finale recordings – how would he even get past the cameras?”

“There’s a path through the first floor, washroom, duck, corner and then – well you should know with your little bathroom stunt.” Minki’s factual explanation leaves Youngmin blinking dumbly at them shaking his head.

Sure, logically, Dongho could run.

The real question on Youngmin’s lips though is why did Kang Dongho run?

Daehwi wonders if he should let Youngmin know that the answer is sitting right beside him.

Jonghyun clears his throats, laughing with an obviously stressed expression on his face. “That’s not a funny joke Minki. Dongho’s probably just – somewhere – awake – “ With every passing word though, the weakened Nu’est leader is losing faith as his eyes connect with Daehwi’s own. He groans pushing his head into his hands.

Daehwi’s disappointed Jonghyun before – but not to this extent. “I’m sorry.”

Jonghyun doesn’t raise his head to receive his apology but he does sound a little more level headed in the face of the most dire challenge Produce101 has gifted him courtesy of Brand New Music. “Everyone needs to stop assuming things. Dongho will be at the recording – it’s fine.”

Something tells him it’s not going not be fine.

But for Jonghyun, Daehwi will try to pretend.

 

 

 

It’s not fine.

And Jonghyun has to bear the brunt of the recording team’s anger. “He’s not here?!”

"I'm sorry."

“What do you mean he’s not ‘HERE’?" Daehwi can’t even blame the studio hand for the overly shrill shriek she’s giving Jonghyun who, as their team leader, can only wince at the sound and shrug apologetically for the petulant person he calls his best friend. "Where is Dongho supposed to GO? You do realize that leaving studio premises during recording is a HUGE violation of the trainee contract? Kim Jonghyun - this could negatively impact all the PLEDIS trainees –“

“A company emergency came up – they asked him to come in desperately – ” It’s the excuse Minki came up with that they’ve been throwing around. If Dongho’s disappearance is communicated as a company emergency, the studio team has limited potential to argue against it. 

It’d be nice if this excuse was the truth, that maybe Dongho really did have a company emergency that got to him.

But it’s not the truth because the truth is Dongho ran away from the set of Produce101 again.

Or more accurately –

Dongho has not run away from Produce101.

He’s run away from him.

_If you can’t tell how hard I’ve been trying this whole time – then I don’t really want to try anymore._

Of course – why would he not?

The words rest heavy on Daehwi’s shoulders, until his frame is curled down under their weight and he shifts towards Jinyoung to settle in beside him before the cameras start rolling for whatever it is the studio team has planned for them today.

This burden is unrecognizable but somewhere deep inside him, Daehwi knows that it’s something Dongho has been holding up for both of them all this time so Daehwi could fly freely through the landscape of their relationship -

And now that Dongho’s not here to lift it for them – it’s Daehwi’s turn.

He wants to be strong enough to stand up straighter, to face everything that’s screaming inside of his head with a raced panic –

But he’s tempted to let it fall because maybe Dongho's right.

Maybe it's not worth it.

But he doesn't want to make that decision alone. Hell, inside of his head he doesn't even know what decision he wants because when Dongho's not here beside him - Daehwi wants to give up.

But when he is here - sometimes it feels like he could give the world up for him.

And that's not an emotion he can easily throw away. Even if it comes with it's challenges. 

Daehwi jolts up when a hand lands on his shoulder and he realizes that Jinyoung is talking to him. “Not that I’m not enjoying our quiet time together – because wow – you quiet? That’s rare – but also – to what do I owe the pleasure of this version of you? Come on, out with it - what is wrong with you?” He jerks uncomfortably when he feels Jinyoung’s hands poke at his cheeks. He’s really not in the mood to tell Jinyoung anything and since Samuel lost center by a hair to Sungwoon, his best friend has been lost in his own head.

“Nothing center boy –“ His attempt at a joke works, Jinyoung is distracted because his teasing grin now stretches into a smile wider than Daehwi’s ever seen it, eyes crinkling in his corners, bright and beautiful and everything a center should look like. 

Everything Daehwi never saw in himself, all those months ago, when he was on a pedestal of his own. Instead of showing the best parts of himself, he'd shown the worst. He had shown the world just how desperate he was. How tired he was. How much he wanted the validation of strangers to tell him everything would be okay.

He hates that cut – mostly because in his desperation he forgot how to smile and he narrowly avoided becoming a viral sensation for all the wrong reasons. (God bless Park Jihoon for taking attention away from that cut of him).

There’s only been a few times on this show that he’s smiled – really smiled.

And most of those smiles were served on automatic - vulnerable and desiring when the dark brown of his eyes sought honey - “I know you mean that as an insult but – I’m not offended and I kind of like having your title?”

Oh – Jinyoung still wants to talk to him.

In that case, Jinyoung deserves the small portion of attention that his consciousness is willing to spare. “Let’s hope being center does more for you than it did for me.” The weight on his shoulders is still there –still too heavy for him to hold up alone and so he leans into his chair, head finding a home on Jinyoung’s shoulder. “You look happy today.”

“I am happy today.” Jinyoung chimes. What Daehwi is not expecting to feel is Jinyoung’s fingers pinching his nose.

“What the-?!” His demonic friend laughs riotously as he covers Daehwi’s mouth just as a very colourful word is about to let itself out while they're on camera. Kind as the action is – he wouldn’t have almost sworn on camera if Jinyoung didn’t just try to kill him. He whacks a still laughing Jinyoung’s hands away from him. “I get that you can’t live up to my legacy as center – but like no need to kill the original to take your place – you don’t see Sungwoon trying to murder me-”

“You were drowning in your own misery, anyways." The mocking expression on Daehwi’s face fades as Jinyoung’s smile quiets into a tightly tugged form. “Figured trying to make you stop breathing would get you out of your own head. Did it work?” Jinyoung’s hand covers his and Daehwi jolts again as he pulls it away. “You look - oh – who are we kidding? You look like bad – real bad. Did Mina have trouble covering your eye bags? Kim K called and she said you should be using her new highlighter palette – neon yellow would look so good on you –“

The more tabloid trash Jinyoung spews at him, the lighter the burden on his shoulders feels. “This is what happens when the first thing you do in the morning is check Daily Mail’s snap stories –“

“I can take the blasphemous center insult – I can take the shade from weak center Lee Daehwi - but what I can’t take is you sullying my good name by associating me with reading tabloids before I do anything else. I obviously read them on the shitter and that makes me a great multitasker. Besides - I was trying to compliment you - “

A smile lands on his face as Daehwi moves his head against Jinyoung’s neck, cradling himself closer to the only slightly older boy. “Excuse me, how is you telling me that I look ‘real bad’ a compliment? I mean – do you need English lessons? I did hear that you’re kind of stupid – like there was that rumor on PANN – “

“I’m a low-key genius so you need to check your sources. Also -  someone is in a bad mood today. Spoiler, it’s you.” Jinyoung twists his knuckles jokingly into his head and Daehwi laughs, struggling to push away from him. Stupid as it is, leaning on Jinyoung – just for a bit – has made lifting his reality on his back easier. “Is your Super Hot going well?”

He nods, mostly because telling Jinyoung about Dongho is out of the question and the team isn’t in bad shape, performance wise at least. Between Samuel and Jonghyun and Sungwoon – they’ve really tightened up their choreography to an almost perfect state. “Our SuperHot Mess is surviving. How about your Hands On Me?”

“LEE Daehwi! How can you ask me to put my hands on you! Behave!”

WOW. Jinyoung has been spending too much time with Kim Jaehwan.

“Uh – now that you’re done making your terrible joke – do you mind telling me how your hands on me performance is going since your team is snake and didn’t let Seonho and I into your practice room?”

Jinyoung scoffs. “Babies aren’t allowed – we can’t be responsible for scarring your eyesight – ”

Daehwi scoffs right back. “Error 404. Cannot process your bad sense of humor because, center boy, you are literally the youngest member on your team and will be singing shit like – ‘ _Oh lets boogie tonight!_ ’ when you have no experience in said ‘ _boogie_ ’.”

At that, Jisung bursts out laughing from beside them which Jinyoung is very offended by.  “HEY! Who the hell says Lee Daehwi knows what ‘experience’ I have hyung?!”

Daehwi literally sees Jisung’s happy spirit falter. “Yo – don’t blame Jisung for your own problems.”

“Daehwi was funny! How am I not supposed to laugh?!”  Jisung’s excuse is not well received. “Speaking of – I never realized Jinyoung was the youngest. Did we – maybe make the wrong choice Niel-ah?”

“SORRY! NO TAKEBACKS” Jinyoung cheers happily clapping.

Jaehwan joins the conversation, a flat expression that only just betrays that he’s excited to tease their maknae. “Sure we can take it away – people have had centers taken away from them before –”

“Yeah petition to steal center from Jinyoung-“ Jinyoung grows increasingly huffy – perhaps because it's Daniel whose teasing him and Daniel as true Produce101 royalty has no need to snatch center away.

Jisung leans over to pat Jinyoung on the head. “They’re only joking Jinyoung-ah, you’re the perfect center for us.”

“Did you guys hear that?” Jinyoung glares at Jaehwan and Daniel, arrogance and confidence entering the gruff scoff released from his throat. It’s weird, Jinyoung doesn’t sound like this. At least, not normally. “I bet have more experience than you guys anyways-“

“Commenting on how perfect Pinky is online does not count as ‘experience’-” Daehwi finds Jinyoung’s hands on his mouth yet again as he rolls his eyes and pulls his hands off him. “I get that you’re in center mode but can you please stop putting your hands on me?”

“Why you don’t want to ‘ _boogie_ ’ with me tonight?” Jinyoung pouts and Daehwi’s left rolling his eyes. “I’m disappointed, Daehwi.”

Jisung bursts out laughing at the unamused expression on Daehwi’s face. “Bae Jinyoung-ssi – please – you’re not funny – when we debut together – please – stay off variety. You can’t even answer the question I actually asked you -”

“That’s cause you’re just trying to get inside information about our team and another thing - I don’t need to be funny for variety – just gotta have an absurdly small face.” Jinyoung fluffs his hair, eyes batting coquettishly for Daehwi as he grabs his hand to put it flat on his face. “See! Even your hands are bigger than my face –“ Daehwi can’t stop laughing now as he tries to push Jinyoung’s face away but the freakishly small thing only comes closer to his which makes him laugh even harder until he's left weakly clutching at his sides. “See – Camera 3 thinks I’m pretty.”

“Correction - Camera 3 thinks the two of you are drama and I’m prompted to agree.” Daniel interrupts, patting Jinyoung on the back as he looks to where Jonghyun has leaned his head back against Jisung’s legs. “Daehwi – to answer your question – Hands on Me is doing fine.”

“Yeah – Daniel hyung and Woojin hyung are pretty amazing at choreo.” Jinyoung agrees looking back to Daniel with a smile on his face. “Minhyun hyung, Jaehwan hyung and Sewoon hyung have been helping me perfect the way I sing the song and Ji-“

“Hoon?” Daehwi finishes for him as he raises an eyebrow.

“Jisung hyung.” The happiness in Jinyoung’s eyes falters just the slightest but the smile on his face doesn’t cease the slightest. “I like working with Jisung hyung. He helps ground me enough that I don’t forget why it is that I came on this show.” Jisung looks touched and Jinyoung looks grateful. Daehwi feels a laugh bubble through the choke in his chest and the action confuses Jinyoung because this time – he wasn’t trying to be funny. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No – no – I was just thinking that I could probably use a reminder right about now.” Jinyoung frowns because he doesn’t get it so Daehwi tries his best to elaborate. “Why I’m here – why I thought any of this is a good idea. I think I need a reminder.” Jinyoung doesn’t speak. He doesn’t so much as blink as his eyes bore into Daehwi’s and suddenly Daehwi feels entirely too exposed as his smile starts to tremble. “I need a reminder that I haven’t fucked everything up.”

“Daehwi –“ Jinyoung’s eyes bolt around the cameras around the room but Daehwi’s not scared. He gets the strategy. There’s no way they’ll reveal that cut of him. Still, Jinyoung appears fearful of whatever else may come out of his mouth so he immediately parrots. “You haven’t messed everything up.”  There’s no hesitation, no careful steps, nothing stopping Jinyoung’s hands from running straight for his and Daehwi clenches back. “You’re one of the best people here – you’re one of the best things about this show. For me. Even if you did do the toilet prank - ” Jinyoung’s eyes try to look at his again but his head has already turned away to the spot on the edge of the shot frame.

Minki’s on the chair.

The spot in front of him remains hauntingly bare.

Jinyoung doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He's not the best.

Jisung’s eyes appeared to have followed his because in seconds, Jisung turns to look at Youngmin over Daniel. “Where’s Dongho?”

Daehwi gives him a look, shaking his head lightly.

Jonghyun taps Jisung on the shoulder and and shakes his head too.

Jisung furrows his eyebrows but doesn’t say a word more. Instead, his eyes comically pop out of his head and Daehwi’s forced to laugh. God, he’s bad at lying but Jisung’s worse – he wears his heart on his sleeve. That’s the reason his hyung has cried so much throughout the show – but it’s also the reason Daehwi worries for him.

Their exchange doesn’t go unnoticed by Jinyoung who looks disturbed now as he glances between the empty space and Daehwi’s laughing face. “Daehwi –what’s going on?”

Even if he did want to tell Jinyoung about Dongho, which he really doesn't, this would be the worst place and the worst time to tell him anything.

It’s always the worst place, the worst time to tell anyone anything. Produce101 is just that sort of environment. “Everyone we’re rolling –“

The screen flickers on with their audition tapes. God - he’d still had black hair when he’d shot his audition video from the 20 something trainees at Brand New right now. He’d known he’d make it – he, Woojin and Donghyun were practically guarantees because of their past at JYP since none of the remaining JYP trainees would come to the show.

Jinyoung starts to sing – rather pathetically – “Stop it! Stop it!” Jinyoung’s prayers are not heard.

Thankfully, Daehwi only laughs harder when Guanlin tries to do John Legend (honestly what was he thinking - John Legend is a literal legend - Guanlin is barely six months into his career as an idol trainee).

“He’s handsome though –“ Jihoon comments offhandedly looking to the ground as Guanlin covers his face in his hands.

“He’s handsome.” Jaehwan echoes, a little less admiring and a little more envious than Jihoon.

Thankfully, it just gets that much better because Jaehwan and Sewoon are actually the worst dancers on the planet and should maybe be a comedy duo together because holy shit would Daehwi watch that, stream it, tweet it and maybe even wear a T-shirt with their faces on it because the two of them together are hilarious.

And – just when he thought it couldn’t get better -  “HWANG MINHYUN!”

Seonho is beside himself as Minhyun tries to hide behind his dongsaeng’s back.  “Someone – make it stop!”

But then – Minhyun turns around – and – “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Seongwoo starts to shriek. “What are you doing?!” Guanlin is pointing at the screen as if to draw attention to exactly what Minhyun is doing on national television (which is shaking his ass like a teletubbie).

And then – sadistically the studio team has decided to remind them that they may be hot shit right now – but all of them are here to fight for a chance to stay that way because in a few days– most of them will be irrelevant again.  

_“It’d be great if he could see me sing and dance on stage –“_

Daehwi feels his face struggle to hold it’s stoic expression. He watches himself write his letter to his father. It’s put into the make shift mail box , there more for dramatic content than anything real.

He’s probably the only person whose letter could never get sent.

His thought is promptly distracted by Haknyeon across them, who has started to breathe loudly, hand on his chest.

That’s not fair, he supposes. He knows he’s not the only one here who is alone in that way. 

Watching Haknyeon pushes his mind back into the hallways between the common area and the dorm rooms. Lined with lockers and maze traps and the repressed emotions he feels when his mind recalls the sensation of a lined palm that’s larger and warmer clutching onto him so tightly - he couldn't breathe.

And like his memories are a summoning spell - Dongho shows up on screen.

But unlike the reactions earned from some of the other auditions – no one laughs.

Had Dongho actually been here – maybe this would have been funny. Maybe they could have teased him and talked about how things looked so much worse. They could have convinced all of Nu’est, together as a group, that everything is fine now because Daehwi knows his assurance is not enough for Dongho.

But Dongho isn’t here.

And – watching this video of him lets Daehwi understand why it is that Dongho has run away from him.

In his audition video, Dongho is the only one who doesn’t take jokes easily with the production staff.

He's the only one who trips over himself dancing before he stops and rubs his eyes furiously. “ _Sorry – can I try this again_?”

Dongho’s dancing in tears before he finally stops and just sings but even then his voice breaks. “ _Ah – sorry – I’m just – I can do this I swear –_ “ Dongho apologizes and tries again and again until finally his mouth stretches into a laugh that sounds as fake as it looks.  

It’s the first time Daehwi’s actually seen him cry ugly, big, fat tears that roll down his cheeks as he laughs and Daehwi wants to throw up.

The Kang Dongho he knows doesn’t cry like this.

The Kang Dongho he knows doesn’t show his emotions to anyone.

The Kang Dongho he knows is closed off, irritating, beautiful and perfect all in one.

This overcoat of failure looks bad on him, so bad, that Daehwi’s heart is physically hurting for him.

Having the ability to see Dongho like this, walls crashing down without his permission, in front of almost strangers, reminds him that he knows very little of the demons Dongho fights. This moment is like peeking through a keyhole- and he doesn’t have permission to see this raw part of Dongho that hasn’t yet been filtered through his boyfriend’s hardened exterior. It feels wrong to watch it unravel on camera without him in the room.

So Daehwi turns away to look elsewhere - wherever he can find his distraction -

What his eyes end up running to is the rest of Nu’est.

Minhyun’s head is cowered to the ground, expression hidden from the camera.

Jonghyun on the other hand cannot look away from the screen – frozen in place but he’s angry. Daehwi can tell because the tips of Jonghyun’s fingers have whitened, clenched tight over the jersey fabric of his sweats.And Minki – is looking right at him.

Daehwi turns back to the screen. Whatever it is Minki’s eyes are asking of him – he cannot possibly answer that.

Thankfully, Dongho disappears.

Their parents have come onto the screen now.

Jinyoung’s family is typical. Painfully, beautifully typical. One mom. One dad. The tears run to Daehwi's eyes now that there’s no blockade there but he tries his best to keep wiping them away and seal his lips shut.

Jinyoung’s father has a soft smile, a gentle smile – the kind of smile that reveals without apology the amount of love and affection he has for his son. Jinyoung’s mother is there too and Daehwi is reminded of just how much Jinyoung loves her when his friend pulls his hand away from Daehwi’s so he can hide his weeping face and find a semblance of a private moment.

Daehwi’s own mind indulges in the image of something that cannot possibly be on screen for him. He still remembers what they look like when they’re together. Side by side. Smiling. Looking down at him. He’s grown tall now though. Taller than his mother.

Maybe they’d look up at him now with pride so clearly spelled out on their faces.

He would have liked to have had the chance to see that once. 

His tears quake over his face as he pulls his face back into Jinyoung's shoulders and Jinyoung's arms come over him. Thankfully, the rest of their group doesn't appear to notice or care because the rest of them are also beside themselves in tears based on the studio team's desire to so obviously see them cry.

" _Dongho-ya –_ “ His head jolts up. “ _I’m the happiest when I see you on stage, singing and dancing -_ ” Daehwi’s eyes enlarge as they run to the screen.

Dongho looks like his father. In fact, their resemblance is remarkable. They have the same warm light brown eyes, wide shoulders, large forehead – though maybe Dongho’s father’s forehead looks even larger than it should because some of his hair has disappeared.

He's surprised to find the sobs in his chest quieting as he listens closely as Dongho's father laughs. " _You've worked hard, Dongho-ya - don't lose strength now okay? Show them what you're made of and then when you're done - come say hi to your mother. She misses you. She won't even make you spend time taking out weeds in the back this time - she promised! Your brother misses you too - and of course - your old man too. I sent you to watch a T.V. show and somehow since then I haven't seen my child properly for the past 7 years - but as long as he's happy - it's fine -_ " 

Somehow after the car crash of an audition, they had all had been privy to - the faces around the room turn upwards, slow beautiful smiles building on all of their faces except for Daehwi's own.

He's noticed something else he can't ignore now. Something that helps him understand Dongho more, more than what his boyfriend was willing to just share with him. Dongho's father's shot is incredibly up close, hiding most of his surroundings but Daehwi's caught sight of a few problematic pieces of information. 

Dongho’s father is sweating, despite a fan blowing in his face.

Dongho’s father is coughing, trying his best to pass it off as laughs.

Dongho’s father’s backsplash is not a couch, or a kitchen or balcony like they’d seen with the others in the video -

His backsplash is a bed frame.

It’s made of plastic, with clear and coloured wires that run to the back.  “ _Don't worry - I won't stop you from your dream. Not anymore. I know there's nothing else that interests you more than singing -_ _I know that._ ”

The video is cut off too quickly by a video of Haknyeon’s mother but Daehwi’s eyes run the words back through his mind – a tape that’s quickly unravelling as his mind races over itself.

For most people, this bed frame would not be familiar.

For most people, this bed frame would mean nothing.

But for him – it’s one he recognizes all too clearly.

Haknyeon’s a fumbling mess as his shoulders cower over themselves and he collapses into his lap freely now as his mother mentions yet again how proud she is to have a son so strong and wonderful in the face of such hardship and adversity.

It’s the most honest emotion Daehwi’s ever seen out of the otherwise robotic boy and he wonders just how many of them here have pretended to be people they aren’t. How many of them have changed so much that they no longer recognize the people on the screen.

Even Ong Seongwoo, master of disguise, is unable to mask his real self.  “ _My son, thank you for being born to me. You’re my greatest blessing and I thank god for you every day. To me – you are the most precious thing in the world._ ”The tears Ong Seongwoo’s fought so hard to keep at bay throughout everyone else’s videos come gushing out at the presence of his mother on screen. “ _Do you remember what you’d say to me when we were shuffling hospital to hospital? Doctor to doctor? You’d say – ‘eomma – don’t cry. I’ll make you happy. I swear I’ll be okay. I’ll make the world a better place. I won’t let you down.’ Seongwoo-ya, I’m happy the world has finally seen what I always knew was in my child – you bring happiness wherever you go Seongwoo-ya. Just – don’t you forget to be happy too - okay?_ ”

Minki’s arms envelope him, careful not to break Ong Seongwoo as his arms come over his frame.

 

Woojin’s father comes on screen after that. He, like Woojin, is a gruff sort of man who grunts more than he speaks. He, unlike Woojin (at least for now), has a fair amount of stubble on his cheeks as he looks sternly at the screen in front of him like a general delivering orders but it’s when Woojin’s mother comes on and both their gazes soften with pride for how far he’s come that Woojin crumbles to the floor too.

His mother never comes on screen.

He waits, breath hitched in his lungs to be released with the sight of her kind face smiling down on his in HD projection but –

She doesn’t show up. Not even to the end when Seonho’s poodle starts lapping up at the camera causing a small jerk of laughs through their still tear streaked faces. The lack of her presence on video feels like a punishment.

It feels like he doesn’t even deserve to have his mother beside him in this most ridiculous of forms through some objectified video letter that’s being utilized more for storyline and fluff than real life support. "She didn't come on."

"Daehwi -" He feels Jisung’s fingers rub the back of his head as he hides his face in his own lap."It's okay."

He is ruining everything.

The video stops rolling.

“Daehwi-ya –“

His tears cease in shock.

He turns to the door and immediately, he recognizes the beautiful form of the woman he’s loved all his life. “Daehwi-ya-“ Everyone parts around him and, in seconds, her arms come over him. 

All the discomfort he’s felt all morning finally ceases. She presses kisses into the crown of his head as his arms tighten over her waist. She’s laughing, hands running over his back rhythmically. “You’ve worked so hard. It’s okay, it’s okay. Mom wanted to surprise you here. It was weird that I didn’t appear?”

“You were the only one who didn’t do the video letter –“ He accuses her, face failing to make any real expression as he starts to cry again. 

“There was no letter because mom wanted to show you my face directly. Don’t cry, you were shocked?” Honestly – sometimes his mother can be cruel  - of course he was shocked. She’s laughing at him. She’s literally laughing at him.

But he doesn't care because she's everything he needs right now and the mere presence of her beside him is the greatest gift he could have ever asked for. “Eomma –“ He sobs into her chest as she holds him back tightly. “Eomma.”

“Daehwi-ah,” She presses a quick kiss to the crown of his forehead. “It’ll be okay-“

It will be okay.

It will be okay.

If she says so-

It will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not - a lot of these things are canon:  
> 1) Dongho is not present in the family letter video at all - he also has a bunch of shots in interviews that are shot very obviously outside of the studio other trainees shot in  
> 2) Daehwi's mom is the only whose video letter was not shown (because she was shown in person but of course in lieu everyone's was shown)  
> 3) Dongho did cry in his audition video - (i know...)
> 
>    
> PS - Just in case any of you were wondering if I was going to suddenly twist and make this a love triangle - nope. Not happening. Just felt the need to clarify that jic.


	25. Band-aids and Trophies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIIIIII DID YOU MISS ME?
> 
> I'm a little high on Milk Tea rn (MILK TEA MILK TEA MILK TEA)
> 
> okay I'll stop. go enjoy the chapter you foos. (i'm the foo btw- this story has been up for a year - and it's still not done - ><).
> 
> OH - one last thing - I love [jxxhyxns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jxxhyxns). she is my savior. she is the reason this chapter exists. everyone go learn from the wizard.
> 
> OKAY NOW GO ENJOY.

He’s not the only one getting special treatment.

Haknyeon’s mom and Guanlin’s dad and sister are here too.

They’re all sitting together for dinner today. A makeshift family of people who know the struggles of this dream all too well - given a corner on the far side of the cafeteria to make a world of their own. Today there will be no cameras and mics because someone up in the MNet executive team may have had enough of a heart to grant them this degree of privacy with their families.

Daehwi still wonders though.  Why it’s them.

Is it because they’re outsiders?

But that’s not fair.

Samuel’s an outsider and his mother isn’t here.

Not that anyone would be able to tell – Samuel has buttered his own mother up like he's trying to put in a very strong application for adoption into the fledgling Lee clan. “-and then, eommeoni, Daehwi, honestly, I kid you not – Daehwi almost fainted on stage – that’s why he looked like that at the end cut of Nayana. He didn’t even want to drink water! He was that afraid of looking fat on camera!” Samuel laughs as he claps a hand over his back, ignoring the way Daehwi’s eyes are asking him to not embarrass him in front of his mother. "This is why you need a back-up son! And I'm here to be that back-up son!"

Seriously - Kim Samuel.

“He was dancing so fast – I was worried for him but I was worried for all of you at the back too! You did well too, Samuel-ah. All our friends noticed you and said Daehwi better make a friend of you – I’m glad he did! I'm happy he gets to call someone like you brother!” Even though he hates saying it, Samuel’s beaming smile is worth sharing his mother with him.

It’s been a while since he’s seen his best friend look this relaxed.  “Well, I should head back to the Super Hot table and give you your mom back, Daehwi – “ Yes please- “But it was nice meeting all of you!”

“Do you have any funny stories about Guanlin?” Guanlin’s sister prods while her younger brother huffs – eyes rolled to the back of his head to indicate just how much he doesn’t appreciate this topic of conversation.

“Well - one time – Guanlin walked straight into my bedroom and walked right back out. He never did tell me what that was about?”

The eyes at their table turn to him and Lai Guanlin grows increasingly red – likely due to a lack of breathing which isn’t helping his brain work any faster at coming up with an excuse that isn’t the truth of ‘ _I’m in love with a boy who is toying with my feelings’._ “Samuel’s sweaty by nature – so he’s kind of stinky. Didn’t want to stick around after smelling him.”

Everyone looks confused, except for Daehwi who’s laughing, hands clapping on his thighs as he watches Samuel pat Guanlin’s head affectionately.

Oh, poor Guanlin. “Guanlin – how tall are you?”

“Taller than all of you.” Daehwi doesn’t miss the tone of pride in Guanlin’s voice. It sounds nice in comparison to the usual half-hearted sound he normally speaks in.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he has a father to impress here.

“Great – since you’re so tall – you won’t mind if I put you in the back for all of the song, right?”

Guanlin pouts, looking to Daehwi for assistance on stopping their dictator Kim Samuel from ruining Guanlin’s chance at spotlight in Super Hot. “He’s only joking Guanlin. It’s too late to change the formations.”

“Relax Lai Guanlin – I won’t hurt you. You big baby.” Guanlin’s still pouting at them but when his sister turns to say something to their father he throws her the meanest glare he can muster up.

Daehwi turns to look at Samuel, sure he’s going to see a smug saunter in the other boy’s steps as he makes his way back to Super Hot but instead Daehwi’s caught off guard.

Samuel’s shoulders are humped over themselves and he almost trips on his way back to Jonghyun.  

In fact, now that Samuel’s back at his own table – the bright white smile that had been so on display for his new adoptive mother has disappeared.

Daehwi’s gotten benefits over other trainees before. Hell, he’s been poised for success from the very moment he auditioned for this show and in his own way, Samuel has had some of those benefits too but having this benefit over Samuel?

It makes him feel a little sick. He doesn’t hate it – how can he when he’s been gifted the most precious moment anyone has ever had in this show? But - it does make him feel sorry for his friend who he knows is going through just as hard of a time as him. “Thank god he’s gone, I was getting sick of him mom.”

Despite knowing he’s joking, his mother whacks his arm lightly. “Lee Daehwi, did I raise you to talk like that?

“No. You raised me to speak before I think and I _think_ it’s a bit late to change that.” There’s a grain of bristled truth to the words that slip past his laughs and he knows she’s caught it when he sees her face grow dumbfounded since that’s not the Daehwi she’s used to talking to. Actually, it’s been a little too long since they’ve talked at all - the Daehwi she's used to talking to - he's a little different now. “It’s nice to finally be with you on a Monday night though, mom.”

“You did always hate Mondays with a fierce passion.” His mother is willing to forgive his small slip of disrespect – maybe because she knows it’s been too long and maybe because she knows better than anyone else how much of a victim his own mouth makes him sometimes.

His mother slurps up spicy soup beside him, quickly opening her mouth to fan air into her mouth as he shakes his head. She always was bad at handling her spice. “Well, I had math on Monday."

“You still have math on Mondays –“

“Yes but now – I get to occasionally skip for trainee stuff. It’s great being a celebrity mom.”

“Daehwi –“  She never did like hearing that he doesn’t like school. She – like his father – had had very different hopes for him. He’d been smart enough to follow the path of traditional education.

No one in their extended family had expected that they’d put Daehwi in piano class and he’d come out screaming that there was nothing else he wanted to do for the rest of his life. “Eomma –“ Her eyes section off the emotions held within into two distinct parts.  One part screams how excited she is for the future that’s a mere few hours from being his present.

The other is already cursing him for not choosing the safe way out. She’ll think it, but she’ll never say it out loud because this dream is the only thing he’s ever asked for. Granted - this dream is a lot to ask for but since he’s such a good kid, she lets him get away with living miles away from her to have a one in a million chance to become a singer.

Or an 11 in 20 shot – those are how the odds have worked out for him. 11 in 20. A 55% chance he doesn’t have to return to being a nobody that once upon a time got cut from JYP’s next boy group.

Since they’re not ready to talk about that – his mom brings her fingers through his. “Hey - even if it’s not watching stupid reality shows and eating ice cream – this is still nice.”

“Mom we’re not watching reality shows, sure, but you know we’re in one right now right?” He laughs back. “And we can probably get ice cream after. I can complain that the Soon Tofu was too spicy for me.”

“It’s best to not to complain at all, you’re close to the end now.” She looks at him with pride.  “Ah - not an end - not an end - I think it’s better to call it a beginning.” His smile softens and in seconds, his mother’s expression disappears as she watches his eyes glance around the table concerned for the others around them. “I mean this for all of you – I hope you all have the strength to do well. You’re all so talented – the country would be foolish to not pick any of you.”

Haknyeon smiles up at his mother, nodding.

Guanlin looks a little lost but happy nevertheless as he glances back at his dad as if to say - _look this strange lady already loves me, can’t you see this is going to be great for me_?

And once again Daehwi’s forced to wonder why it’s them.

Why were they the ones who got this wonderful benefit of seeing the people they love most in the world in front of them?

Maybe the three of them are prized jewels.

Maybe at the back in some shaded boardroom Ahn PD and his circle of trusted advisors look at pictures and decide which trainee gets to walk away on a path carpeted with rose covered rankings – and which ones walk barefoot on thorns back to publicized poverty –

Or maybe it’s just an apology.

All three of them have been manipulated by this show for this show so maybe it’s an apology and a thanks for making it this far despite MNet’s efforts to hurt them -

He laughs to himself as he rolls the silken tofu over his tongue.

Now, he’s starting to sound like a conspiracy theorist.

Conspiracy or not –the fact remains that he has a lot to be thankful for to MNet today because even in this setting and even with Guanlin and Haknyeon in front of him –

It feels like he’s been thrown back in time and he’s sitting on their dining table with his mother’s arms around his shoulders.

And he’s not here talking about the last audition he’ll have in his career – no he’s regaling her with very different stories.

Jason’s so short and skinny that he actually fits in the lockers at Saint Hope’s.

Soo Hyun is going to try to become Governor of California and a NASA astronaut some day.

And Raj is just too rich for his own good (but at least he bought them all Caramel Frappucinos from Starbucks after school when they killed time at the mall) –

And in light of this reality – his actual reality outside of this weird system he’s found himself in, in South Korea –

Kang Dongho is starting to feel like a dream again.

A beautiful dream that clings to his eyes, and mind and lips but –

He’s a dream nevertheless.

Perhaps more importantly – it feels okay to wake up from the best dream of his life. He has work to do for people he shouldn’t disappoint and none of that should involve anything but the reason he gave up the safe life he called his own in LA.

“Daehwi, are you okay?” His mother is rubbing the back of his head as he grins up at her, smile stretched wide enough so she won’t ask again.

He hates hearing that question but from her? It just worries him because even if he wasn’t okay – which he’s starting to feel like he is – he would never want her to know.

He’s okay if she's okay. In light of the calm his mother has gifted his frazzled heart - he really doesn't feel that bad off. In fact, he can now objectively look at his situation versus some of the other trainees here.

He catches sight of Haknyeon’s lips trembling as his mother reaches to clench the closed fist on his lap, quick movements passed over his arms in an effort to get him to relax. Daehwi thinks he can understand him a little, at least. Haknyeon, like him, has had to face the sound of public hate.

Haknyeon, unlike him, has been forced to listen to that song twice - with the volume dialled up a little too loud the second time around.

Maybe with his mother with him now – Haknyeon no longer feels the need to pretend to be okay. He doesn’t have to pretend to hold it together.

Instead, Haknyeon picks sullenly at his food until his mother feeds it to him, soft fingers and softer kisses running through his hair.

Guanlin, on the other hand, is speaking so rapidly in Chinese that there’s no hope of Daehwi understanding anything the other boy is saying even with his basic understanding of Mandarin.

Even if he can’t keep up, every once in a while Haknyeon throws Guanlin’s sister a weak smile which must mean they’re talking about something good.

“Has it been hard?” Daehwi glances up at his mother’s kind eyes and shakes his head.

It has been hard – but she can’t ever know that. She’s had it so much harder than he has for so much longer than he has. What kind of son would he be if he couldn’t even bear this?  “It’s okay, it’s fun, eomma.” Like Haknyeon’s mother – his mother runs her fingers through his hair and his eyes close, head finding its way onto her ever reliable shoulders. “It’s even better now that you’re here. It’s nice to know that someone out there loves me, no matter what mistakes I make.”

His mother laughs. “Eh? My perfect child can make mistakes? Who said?”

“I think a few thousand people would disagree with you on the internet, mom.”

“Aish – it doesn’t suit you to think like that Daehwi-ah. Look at where you came from. You’re made of harder material than that.” She ruffles his fringe, the rhythym of her dancing tips easing the throbbing inside of his mind. “You always put too much pressure on yourself when you really don’t need to.  You’re perfect as you are! I’m just happy I’m not the only one who sees it anymore.”

Behind his closed eyelids, the image of a man half naked, wrapped in a towel, bouncing on his feet like a penguin materializes.

And he laughs. “Since you’re not the only person who has told me that – I guess that’s one way to describe me.”

His mother is laughing too – looking like she’s waiting for some sort of explanation but something tells him that his mother probably wouldn’t be laughing if she found out that her son was dating someone who was not only 6 years older than him but also aimless, talented, beautiful and disgraced all at once.

“You’re doing so well, Daehwi. I’m sure there are many people who will love you no matter what.” She twists her head until her lips can be pressed softly to the skin of his forehead, affection dripping until he feels the unconditional love she’s never let him miss when she’s with him. “Plus you have such nice friends here –“ She looks pointedly towards sad Haknyeon and generally apathetic Guanlin. While Haknyeon has no clear reaction – Guanlin beams at the praise; gummy smile and quick words dashing past his lips to translate what it is Daehwi’s mother said about him.

Guanlin’s sister snorts. “You wish.” Her words in English serve to level the language field on the table and everyone laughs.  

“Daehwi’s helped me a lot, Lee Eommeoni.” Haknyeon verbalizes in English, turning to look at him with a gratitude in his eyes that feels undeserved to Daehwi. “His vocal technique tricks helped me nail my last performance and that performance is why I’m still in this competition.”

Haknyeon’s mother bows deep and low to Daehwi’s own mother, leaving the other woman in shock. “Thank you for your immense kindness towards my child.”

“No, no – please” His mother lifts Haknyeon’s mother’s shoulders upwards. “Thank you for giving my child the opportunity to learn, grow and share his passion with your son. I hope they both succeed in the future.” She bows her head back just as polite and gracious as she always is.

Guanlin shrugs waving a pudding filled spoon in everyone’s direction. “I mean - Daehwi didn’t help me too much – but he’s cool.” Guanlin’s throwing him a fist bump which Daehwi’s definitely going to reject.

“I didn’t help you huh?” He folds his arms over his chest, leaning back in his chair as he raises his left eyebrow in silent challenge. “Next time - write your own text messages, swaggy rapper.”

He is expecting the dirty look Guanlin gives him.

He is not expecting Guanlin’s sister to start shrieking and yelling at him in English. “He’s very bad at that – god – you know he used to make me proofread all his Instagram posts. Even when he came to Korea at first, he’d send them over and if I didn’t respond in 10 minutes god – what a series of filthy curse filled messages I’d get.”

“You have an Instagram?! Isn’t that supposed to be banned by your agency until you’re ready to have one?” Guanlin is pretending to not to hear him which means nothing because his sister has already passed her own phone over with pictures of a slightly younger Guanlin so Daehwi can read the captions out loud. “ #startedfromTaiwannowwehere, #k-pop, #gonnaShownusomeday, #Wooseokisgoals, #work, #play, #instadope, #instastar, #instagood, #Qoob2019-anti-xi-pate –hoes-’. Lai Guanlin, I am questioning my decision to befriend you – you can’t spell anticipate.”

“I think it’d be a cool group name – Antixipate.” Guanlin grabs the phone from his hand, an all too red flush on his cheeks. “Shut up, Daehwi.”

Daehwi’s about to retort that Guanlin should take his own advice and maybe use less hashtags but his mother starts to laugh with one hand clapped over his shoulder and the other covering her infectious smile. “Eomma, what’s so funny?”

“If I could, I’d have you with me not just on Mondays but every minute of every day but - I’m happy that you’re okay like this too on your own, Daehwi-ah.” She presses a quick series of kisses against his cheeks.

“Eomma-“ He laughs, face burrowing itself into the corner of her neck. "I’m happy  with you here. It’d be nicer if we  were watching ‘The Bachelor’ on syndicated prime time T.V. on the illegal cable we got from the ahjussi at H-Mart but – I’ll take what I can get.”

“Ah, eomma’s not going anywhere you don’t need to hug her so tightly Daehwi-ah – “ How is he supposed to let her go when she’s made him feel normal for the first time in months?

“Actually,” Haknyeon’s mother offers. “We do need to leave soon.”

“Ah – then eomma lied, Daehwi-ah.” His mother giggles as he holds on tighter. “Your grip is too strong for a boy as skinny as you-” At the end of the day, she’s the reason that matters.

She’s his world- and part of him wonders if that’s why she’s here. Jinyoung got his reminder from Jisung – and today, he got his from his mother.

His world does not begin and end at kisses in shadows with a man who will never see him the way Daehwi wants him to. “Will you be okay on your own? Are you with Seo samchon?”

“Just worry about yourself. Your mother is well taken care of. It won’t be for long – we’ll see each other soon Daehwi-ah.” All through, she’d held on just as tight to his hands but now her fingers loosen their grip and a pained noise erupts from his chest when she uses his hands to touch the side of his face. “You don’t want me to leave?”

“Why would I ever want that?” He mumbles back halfheartedly as she offers him an irritating smile. “Don’t look so happy.”

“I’m just happy you’re not too old for cuddles yet – but maybe one day that day will come.”

“Never.” He laughs, pressing his head into her chest one last time. “Never.” He kisses her temple. “Can I ask you something before you leave?”

“I am in Korea for your needs Lee Daehwi-ssi.”

“I have a friend here – who’s going through a tough time on the show – and maybe with his family too – really tough mom -“ Her eyes narrow but she doesn’t question him. It’s likely because she doesn’t want to hear what the word ‘tough’ means. “I think I may have hurt him by not understanding his situation at first – and I don’t think I’ve done enough to help him – ”

It’s probably not a very good idea to ask her about how he should be dealing with this situation with Dongho but at this stage of the game, he’s run out of good ideas. “Daehwi,” She shakes her head. “I think you’re selling yourself short.  Everything you do will help this person.”

“Because it’s me? And I’m amazing?” His joke works. His mother’s laughing again.

“No, not because it’s you.” His mother chides, pinching his cheeks with far too much affection for his liking. Maybe to her too - that question was childish. “People who are going through something like that – they don’t know how to ask for help, right?” He nods, a little too sure of this fact for his own liking. “So the fact that there’s someone like you – who is thinking of him and trying to do things for him? That is helping him.”

“I think I put too much pressure on him to behave a certain way here – to have more faith in himself – and I get frustrated – “

“If this person wanted to avoid pressure Daehwi, maybe they shouldn’t have come on this show in the first place?” Her answer is too blank and too honest – and he doesn’t really disagree with it. “Daehwi, do you want to know what the right thing to do is? To make this person feel better?”

“Yes, please. Make this easy for me?”

As amused as his mother looks, she does her best to sound serious as she speaks. “Leave him alone. If he can’t see everything you’re doing to help – leave him alone. Right now, he’s blind and even if you see things the way you do - there’s never a guarantee that he’ll see what you’re trying to do for him because of the state he’s in. It’s not his fault and it’s not your fault. It just is. With space - maybe he’ll come to realize how you helped him get through his difficulties by asking him to focus on something different or better still – maybe he’ll learn to cope by himself.” She presses one last kiss to his forehead. “It’s hard but sometimes when you learn to digest your feelings by yourself before you ask someone else to handle them - that’s the best path right?”

“When things weren’t great –“ He bows his head, hands running to wrap his mother’s fingers in his. “It’s the path we took.”

“So, we know it works.” Her eyes glass over before she holds onto his hands one last time. “It was hard, but it worked.”

 

 

 

 

 

With his renewed motivation, he decides to haul his ass to the practice room after dinner which works out to be a lonely affair. 

Still, it’s peaceful enough because in the absolute silence of the empty practice room he finds himself moving easier than before.  

There’s no formation restricting him and he doesn’t have to watch out for Sungwoon’s adorable little toes which somehow always get in his way -

Just like that - the burden on his back gets a little lighter – and this time he’s happier he managed to do that himself.

It’s past midnight when he decides to use his towel to wipe the sweat off his neck and wander off to his dorm room.

The path – as predicted – is without its usual obstacles. Smarter than him, most of the other trainees have focused their efforts on staying within the dorm zone and so in the half haze of exhaustion - he almost doesn’t notice a form step out from the side entrance.

Almost.

Because even exercise induced exhaustion can’t stop him from noticing the oddly well-proportioned shape of Kang Dongho. His eyes have, after all, been trained to seek him out even in the deepest of crowds. “Hey.” He can’t help but feel a smile float up onto his face because Dongho’s in his pajamas, carrying a bag of snacks, pineapple custard bun shoved into his mouth as the cream oozes from the side out onto the floor. “Your bun is dripping?”

“Wha?” The bun is still in his mouth and still oozing cream so Daehwi steps forward to reach for it and hold it in his hand. Dongho looks displeased by the fact that his sustenance is no longer in his mouth but the older man doesn’t argue as he articulates in a more clear tone. “What?”

“It’s oozing.” Daehwi drops his eyes to the floor in an effort to make it more clear what it is he’s talking about. It helps that when he does this - he no longer needs to keep his eyes on Dongho.

Dongho’s gaze follows to see the spot of bright yellow milky deliciousness spreading on grey tile. “Oh. Sorry. I guess.”

“Well. I don’t care. Just – you want to eat it -  not drip it, right?” He bows his head lightly returning the bun to Dongho as he walks past him.

His steps are slow at first because even with his mind repeating his mother’s words like a mantra – it isn’t easy to walk away from Kang Dongho. Every muscle in his body is yelling at him to run straight into Dongho’s arms, screaming, until the air they share is clear and free of conflict again.

But he doesn’t want to make things worse.

His mother is right. Dongho’s the one who ran away and asked for space.

So Dongho has to be the one to bridge that gap between them - not him. “Are you upset?”

“Not particularly.” Daehwi’s lying but he’s doing a very good job of it since he’s getting better with all the practice he’s been forced to have. His shoulders roll backwards, his eyes sparkle and he even lets his body follow the same pace as Dongho’s steps so they stay side by side.

The truth is he is still upset – but in the grand scheme of things – his disappointment with Dongho shouldn’t add more pressure to what Dongho’s already feeling.

Dongho’s looking at him for an explanation since whatever it was that he was expecting from Daehwi - it wasn’t this reaction. “Yeah?”

“My mom came today so – I’m in a good mood.”

At that, Dongho smiles since it’s a satisfactory explanation for Daehwi's current lack of temper with his runaway boyfriend. “That sounds like it’d be nice.”

“It was.” Now they’re walking back to the dorms together, wind gushing and whipping around them. This should be awkward but it isn’t. This is them - falling back into their predictable pattern of ignoring everything that’s wrong between them. And since it’s something that’s so wholly theirs - it’s all too comfortable for Daehwi to sink his toes back into. “When did you get back?”

“Before dinner but I just bummed in Minhyun’s room. Hence -” Dongho lifts the bag of snacks, laughing again when he sees Daehwi look unimpressed with his choice for dinner.

“Where’d you go on your unscheduled day off?”

“Bakery, duh-hwi.” Dongho laughs as he points to the bag in his hand.

It wasn’t that funny a joke but Daehwi has a feeling Dongho’s laughing more out of a sense of awkwardness than actual genuine amusement at his own words. “Well, that much was apparent but I didn’t know you could spend over 8 hours at a bakery?”

He sees Dongho’s neck curl, a little ashamed. “Well – I really like bread.” Probably not ashamed of that admission. “I also met up with a friend. Went down to the river. Walked up and down and up and down. Sat on some rocks. Stared at the water. Then I walked a bit more. Ran an errand. Went to the drugstore. Got driven back here-” At that, Daehwi feels himself yawn because this day sounds so unremarkable and ordinary. The mere action makes Dongho stop in his tracks to stare right at him with the softest of smiles on his face. “I didn’t really do anything. Just lived my usual life – it’s a good way to get back into my old routine for when this is done.”

What a wonderful admission. It has done absolutely nothing to stop him from wanting to punch his boyfriend from sheer frustration. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.” Dongho takes a deep breath and the atmosphere around them shifts. “Look – I just – I’m sorry if I made things weird today and yesterday – “

“Stop –you don’t need to apologize. It’s fine. I don’t mind. I mean – to be honest I did but now I don’t really care. I get it. You wanted to space, its fine.” Dongho looks like he’s disappointed which Daehwi supposes is because of the general lack of emotion in his voice but he’s tired and he’s done. There’s only so much of himself and his energy he can sacrifice to Dongho when - like his mother said - Dongho can’t even see it. “Jonghyun did get an earful from the recording staff.”

“Yeah – he told the company and they figured it out. I’m pretty much on probation till the end of the show but that’s just a few days, and they can’t just pull me off. So we’re still dancing together.”

“I guess they can’t.” Daehwi kicks at the gravel below their feet.

“I did some thinking.”

What a scary thought. “Did you now?”

“Yeah. About you.” His steps jerk but Dongho takes the gesture in his stride prompting Daehwi to shake his head and march onwards. “Do you want to hear what I thought about?”

“Sure.” He encourages. “What did you think about?”

“It’s unfair that I met you here. It’s unfair that you had to meet me at all –“

Dongho walked for a day and that’s what he came up with? What a waste of a day. It’s more of the same nonsense Daehwi’s had to hear from him over the past month. “I don’t think that makes sense.”

“Sure, it does.” Dongho’s on his high horse again but his mother told him to keep his words in check and so he’s going to do his absolute best to do just that. He’ll let go of the precarious control he has over their relationship and let whatever Dongho wants to transpire, transpire. “I don’t want anything to compromise what we came here for.”

“Yeah. I can understand that feeling.” He tilts his head, voice lilted and teasing. “What did Kang Dongho come to Produce101 for?”

Dongho pauses since he’s not sure what it is he wants to say until laughs intermixed with weak breaths are left echoing in the blank space around them. “A band-aid. What’d Lee Daehwi come to Produce101 for?”

“A trophy.” Dongho looks at him unmoving now. “What did you want to hear?”

“Nothing.” Dongho’s blushing again because he’s been caught in a web of his own embarrassment.

“You’re not the only one who did some thinking.”

“What a scary thought. The overthinker thinking – I would never have guessed.” Daehwi jogs ahead, making a show of butting Dongho’s shoulder with his roughly. This only makes Dongho laugh harder as he races to catch up with him. “I - want to talk about something – with you - I mean“

"No! I thought you wanted to talk to Guanlin -" Dongho gives him an unimpressed expression. They’re in front of the doors to the dorm building now, the barely present light from the young moon behind shining down on them. “Go ahead, Kang Dongho-ssi. I'm listening.”

“I – don’t want to be the person who ruins this thing between us.”

Oh.

Is it already time for their conversation to take this turn? He thought he felt okay – he was pretty sure he felt okay but now his throat has collapsed on itself, even if his face has maintained its appearance of normalcy.

If Dongho notices that something about his expression is off – he doesn’t let it stand in the way of his next words. “Daehwi - I don’t want to be the person who ruins any chance you have of making it. I’m not ready to swallow that sort of pill. I’ve ruined more in my lifetime than I care to tell to you but – ruining you? Or your chance at a dream come true? That would be the worst thing I’ve ever done to anyone.” Dongho’s laughs resound deep from within his chest. “Is that okay?”

Is that okay?

Is Dongho stupid?

How can any of that sound okay?

Of course, it’s not okay.

How can Dongho be so defeatist?

How can Dongho think that he’d ruin everything?

Daehwi laughs but it’s a mirage. He’s not really laughing. They’re just transformed, sickening manipulations of another very real emotion resounding in his chest that he’s trying to quiet.

Defeat is so entrenched in the other man’s frame that even if he spends years upon years slowly kissing each knot of tension way – he’ll never really get rid of it.

That’s something Dongho has to spend his own time taking care of.

Daehwi is not a band-aid, by any means.

And neither is Produce101.

This explains all too much about the path Dongho was hoping to take here. One last hurrah, to stand on stage without a care, deliver a great performance and walk away like some sort of god that never took power by the horns.

But regardless of what he’s feeling, he’ll be nice to Dongho. He’s always nice to Dongho even if he doesn’t get the same treatment in return because Dongho doesn’t understand what it is Daehwi wants to hear from him. “At this point – whatever you want is okay.” He lets out a breath as he debates saying what he will next. “I don’t want to ruin things for you either.

There’s a crease forming in Dongho’s brows now. “Why would you ruin things for me?”

“I saw him today –“ He pauses, waiting to see if Dongho’s brain jolts into understanding but his boyfriend’s eyes stay clear and brown. “Your dad-“ Dongho’s shocked expression leaves Daehwi with the conclusion that perhaps Minhyun was a bit selective in what it was he filled Dongho in on when he returned from his little field trip. “We filmed the family segment today – the one where they write back to letters you wrote them – and I guess yours was to your dad? He was on the welcome tape for you.”

The ever so small smile on Dongho’s face widens – which is something Daehwi didn’t expect would happen in light of what he saw earlier today. “What’d the old man say?”

“Said he wouldn’t make you spend too much time pulling weeds in the back?”

A loud guffaw disrupts him as Dongho slaps a hand on the wall. “Anything else interesting?”

“He’s waiting for you to visit.”

“Shocker.” Dongho shakes his head still laughing, but his eyes are closed and downcast. His voice grows quieter. “Anything else?”

“He regrets sending you to watch that show live – said he lost his son.”

“So, same shit as normal then.” Dongho’s smile has vanished as he takes a deep breath before the hand on the wall drops to his side.

“I don’t want to ruin that either. Whatever it is that you want to give him. I don’t want to ruin that.”

Dongho looks like he’s going to say something.

Probably something bitter, something dire, something so depressing it’ll crack down Daehwi’s barely holding façade of being put together.

But then Dongho closes his mouth, stands straighter and holds his hand out to the door knob in front of them, pulling it open. An automatic gesture of an end to their surprisingly peaceful conversation. “I’m sleeping in Minhyun’s room. Is that okay?”

It’s not okay.

How can it be okay?

But how is he ever supposed to complain?

The last time he did – Dongho physically ran away.

The last time he did – Daehwi was forced to see a side to his boyfriend he still isn't sure he's comfortable knowing about.

The last thing in the world Dongho has ever wanted from him is pity but he can’t necessarily say that pity isn’t what’s driving his forgiveness to the other man for his recent behaviour. “Whatever makes you happy.”

Dongho doesn’t look happy at that - almost like he'd been expecting a tantrum.

And yet – all the same Dongho looks thankful.

Because –just like him – Dongho’s not sure what he wants.

Which is fair.

It’s a bit unfair to assume older means wiser. Although, it would be nice if it did.

He’d like to think that one day in the future - after he’s seen more pain and suffering, more happiness and joy –he’d be held up by more than glorified medicinal ribbon.

Dongho doesn’t verbalize his thanks but he nods his head in a bow that dips so deep, it makes Daehwi feel awkward to be on the receiving end of it. “Good night, Daehwi.”

“Good night.” He bows back - just as deep.

Is this what it’s going to be like now? Formalized again? Restrained and appropriate?

The thought of it makes him feel queasy and so he lurches up, nodding his head in a disjointed manner as he turns to race off to what used to be their room together.

“Daehwi-“ He doesn’t turn back around but his hand is pulled into Dongho’s own. He keeps his gaze fixed on the floor. “It’s not fries from McDonalds but you should eat something after practicing –“

Dongho’s handed him a bag of potato chips.

Daehwi wants to laugh because it’s so like Dongho to apologize for his selfishness with something so ridiculous. “Thanks. I’ll devour these the moment I’m back in the room – speaking of – I wouldn’t mind two of these if that big bag of yours has more -” 

“Brat –“ Dongho ruffles his hair. The action no longer feels nice. It feels like a punishment. Like the past few weeks were nothing but a wish granted by a genie in an alternate universe. He wants to ask him to stop, to keep his hands to himself but – that’ll only prompt more confusion and he’d rather just go to bed now. “One bag is enough – you need to stay fit for the live rehearsal-

Since Dongho still has permission to touch him - he takes advantage of their relative closeness to jab lightly into the center of Dongho’s stomach. “Please worry about you, yourself and your muffin top –“

“Hey!” Dongho pulls away protectively. “This bread belly is Doctor’s orders! He thinks I need to eat more carbs -keep my energy up."

Daehwi rolls his eyes, uncaring of Dongho’s weakly worded joke. “Sure, sure. Off to bed with you.”

“Dream happy things, Lee Daehwi.”

“I always dream that I’m lost in a jungle.” He doesn’t add that normally Dongho’s the one who saves him from himself in the dreams. That Dongho’s the one who teaches him how to crack coconuts. That Dongho’s the one who is scantily dressed like an idiot or - that sometimes they fall asleep beside  a fireplace in a cave, warm and bundled in each other. “Do you dream happy things?”

“Sure.”

“What do you dream of?” Daehwi walks backwards towards the room because he knows if he doesn’t start to back away maybe he never will.

Dongho looks straight at him and starts to walk away too but he walks with his back turned and shoulders slumped.

Of course, Dongho’s going to ignore his question.

Daehwi almost turns around too.

Almost.   

At the end of the day – he’s thrown his heart across a football field to the goal post – and Dongho’s not quite there to catch it. So he stays – feet glued to the floor to watch it land with a thud by itself as Dongho turns the corner.

Maybe Kang Dongho dreams of an audience that lights up for him.

Maybe Kang Dongho dreams of five smiles crowded into each other – of a family built on the shared experience of failure.

Or maybe –

Dongho dreams of something simpler.

Daehwi turns his feet back towards the opposing hallway.

Glory and pride sound nice – but he has a feeling Dongho doesn’t care much for things like that.

 

 

 

 

 

_"I should be the one thanking you.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because you make me happier than I’ve ever been.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo so real talk - I didn't think I'd make you all cry last time! i'm so sorry! 
> 
> if i made you cry again this time TT.TT I apologize. 
> 
> PSA! 
> 
> W1 came back <3 Light was amazingg!!!! The Heal stole my heart but I'm a big Nell fan so I also enjoyed that collab but everything was gold tbh and honestly happy all the boys got to work with such senior artists in the industry (in my dream life - Woojin gets to work with TOP/Tiger JK). 
> 
> AND *DRUMROLL* Nuble is coming back <333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333!!! Go - do your thing LOVES - (if you're loves - if you're not just go check out the song when it's released- EITHERWAYS NEW MUSIC IS ALWAYS A YES- YES? YES!)
> 
> okay I'm done. Sorryfor the spaz. Also sorry for the long wait on this(Internship started to capitalize on me momentarily).
> 
> as always- i love you all <3 thank you for making it all the way here and being patient with me <3


	26. Helpless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY. FINALLY. FINALLY. OMG OMG 
> 
> I've been dying writing this bc it went through like 8 revisions bc I hated every iteration of every scene I wrote until today I was finally satisfied - so - uh - FINALLY. *collapses of happiness* THANK YOU ROASTED MILK TEA. YOU THE REAL MVP YOU HUSTLED WITH ME FIVE TIMES TO MAKE THIS CHAPTER A REALITY.
> 
> ALSO - you lunatics - you have this story at a crazy amount of hits/kudos/bookmarks/high fives/back hugs/people trying to copy Jihoon's iconic wink from Nayana - 
> 
> ily<3 (i mean lunatics in a nice way <3)
> 
> ps - as a thank you but also not sure if this counts as a thank you - i have a last impressions playlist on spotify - if for some reason you find yourself wanting to listen to the A+ crap I listen to while writing - link is
> 
>  
> 
> [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/engmeher/playlist/29qy56AbRfM8oorkNox455?si=Y6v5xoHeSAuoE873lQ4rBw)
> 
>  
> 
> \- just promise not to judge my taste in music :)

“I think – we’re done?” Kim Jonghyun sounds as disbelieving as Daehwi feels.

The past few days have been a blur of schedules.

They’ve recorded two songs, embarrassed Jonghyun on camera, and – just moments ago – they’d shown their revised choreography for Super Hot to a standing ovation from Kahi.

For the first time in days, everyone in the group is laughing, drunk from relief that there’s not much left to do except perform. He’s smiling along too but as he looks at his fellow trainees – he’s all too aware that he doesn’t feel the same way they do.

Is a perfectly planned and plotted life something to be that happy about?

Then again – who is he to judge the other trainees around him? He’s no better.  He came to Produce101 chasing a plot line too.

He’s not over the moon happy but he is at least comfortable in some sense of the word. His day in and day out is predictable and easy enough to follow. He’s not the star of this show and the cameras that follow him are just as much friend as they are foe so his apathetic behaviour leaves them with little interesting fodder to pull for the masses.

“Since we’re done - would you like a break for the rest of the night?” The collective group starts to holler and heckle till Jonghyun’s ready to backtrack everything he’d just offered.

Minki squawks. “Wait – a break – dictator is okay taking a break?”

Dongho snickers, throwing Minki a low five. “Confirmed, Jonghyun’s getting soft in old age –“

The two troublemakers get a less than enthused reaction from their leader. “Dongho, our birthdays are barely a month apart – and what the hell does ‘ _soft_ ’ even mean?”

“You guys are horrible.” Youngmin comes over, arm thrown over Jonghyun’s shoulder.

The cameras draw closer to the group of them and Daehwi lets out a breath.

Usually – he’s good at staying away from whatever’s bubbling inside him –

The resentment he feels at his lack of control on his situation.

The desperation he feels to deliver a positive outcome for his mother and his family.

A far more convoluted emotion he doesn’t care to unravel because even just feeling this **_feeling_** exhausts him –

But when the cameras look away – he gives these emotions release and he looks at him.

Sometimes it feels like he dreamed up an entire relationship by himself and god what a dream it is. It’s going to haunt him till he’s keeled over in a sunny California retirement center regaling some kind little high school volunteer with stories she won’t care for.

Day by day and moment by moment their lack of interaction makes him feel lonely, which is hilarious because it’s not like they never talk. They do, and sometimes they’re even alone in the same room but – every conversation is rehearsed and ingenuine.

The usual ‘ _how are you?’_ and _‘good luck’_ garbage you tell people you barely know.

The pragmatic parts of him remind him that hoping for any genuine conversation is pointless. Dongho’s still sleeping in the Hands On Me room and that alone leaves enough said that he doesn’t need to hear anything else for now. That dream is a fool’s dream and he has more important things to focus on.

That would be that but – still –once in a while –

Dongho looks at him with an apologetic expression that tells him the other man hasn’t forgotten. That maybe he’s dreaming too.

And once in a while –

Daehwi looks back at him like he wants more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hickory. Dickory. Dock.”

A few things make Ahn Hyeongsub special – his love for nursery rhymes happens to be one of them.

Daehwi turns to look at the paler boy, ready to say something rude but the words die on his lips.

Lookin at him now – glimmering and singing in his breathy voice – he’s reminded of the fact that Hyeongsub managed to scrape his way into the top 20. On finale night, he’ll be reminded of the fact that the smallest of mistakes in the smallest of seconds ruined the biggest of his dreams.

Who is he to take something else away from him? “Hickory. Dickory. Dock.” He repeats much to Woojin’s Snow White’s happiness. They smile up together at the spotlight that burns their skin till they’re left glittering with sweat.

Hyeongsub is only reiterating what they already know.

Hickory, dickory, dock.

Time is running out.

The mouse ran up the clock.

Time won’t turn back.

The clock struck one and the mouse ran down.

Time’s up.

To their left, Jonghyun is sitting with Samuel, Sungwoon and Youngmin.

A formidable group but surely their collective genius is aware there’s very little left to review on that performance stage?

If to his left there’s army generals planning battle formations – then to his right is a family coming together to bid each other good bye before the war.

Choi Minki has one hand over Yoo Seonho’s hand and the other under Guanlin’s.

He moves careful and slow until the two hands in his are resting on top of each other.

Guanlin glances up at Seonho with a sparkle of relief in his eyes.

Seonho’s eyes stay focused on their joint hold, a complex shape to be analyzed from all angles until he looks up to smile back.

Happiness isn’t quite the sentiment Daehwi would use to describe what he sees in Seonho’s eyes. It’s more akin to acceptance and repentance rolled into one twist of a muscle. Without a moment’s notice, Seonho lunges over the distance between Guanlin and himself.

The force would have knocked a much shorter boy over – but Guanlin’s arms are already out to hold onto him as they smile into each other’s shoulders.

With nowhere to put his hands now, Minki brings them together in front of his chest, mumbling a silent prayer.

If he looks up, right above his head and off to the center –

Leaning against the wall with a cap over his face is Kang Dongho. All alone. Just like he likes it.

His boyfriend isn’t doing anything remarkable, just breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Maybe at the end of this – that’s all he’ll have.

Dongho will exist at a distance – and he’ll stay away. Happy to keep this distance if it’s what makes the other man happy.

“Hickory. Dickory. Dock-”

“Hyung, stop singing in that horrible accent – you’re going to make Daehwi’s ears bleed.” His eyes shoot open to see Euiwoong’s bum come straight down and seat itself by his face, hands bearing gifts of bottled water for all three of them. “Well, don’t just look – grab one, Daehwi.”

He doesn’t need to be told twice. With the bottle in his hands, he turns it upside down and right side up – marvelling at the height of the waves he’s managed to form in this world made of plastic. “Thanks Woong-ah.”

“Figured you guys would need some water after that choreography. Sam did a good job –“

“I helped.”

“Of course, you did.” Euiwoong snickers. “The pervert move right?”

 “Shut up.” He flares his nostrils at the Yuehua trainee.

Euiwoong doesn’t choose to shut up but he does at least choose to change the topic of conversation. “Hyung why are you singing Hickory Dickory Dock so creepily anyways?”

Hyeongsub pouts, sitting up. “How else am I supposed to learn English? Don’t you start from the basics like this? And would you prefer I rap Hickory Dickory Dock?”

“Like I was saying –“ Euiwoong puts a palm in Hyeongsub’s grunting face. “I figured the two of you could use a little water. Besides I owe you.”

“You owe me…water?” The skeptical smile on his face has it’s desired effect of making Euiwoong look at him distastefully.

“Was that your attempt at a joke? I thougt you were funnier than that Daehwi -”

“I am funny –“ How dare someone doubt his ability to be hilarious? “Who the hell goes around saying they owe people water?”

“I don’t ‘owe’ you water – it’s just a – you know – high five.” He lifts his left eyebrow, then his right eyebrow, then he realizes he’s doing the Samuel wiggle and settles them both down to gravity. “A quick way for me to show you I have your back because you picked me once upon a time to be part of the most popular team on Produce101 Season 2.”

Does Euiwoong really have to be thankful for that? Euiwoong is standing in the audience for most of finale night instead of up on stage with the rest of them. Maybe in another team that wasn’t the improperly titled **_Avengers_** – things would have turned out differently for him. “You don’t hate me for it?”

“Hate you?” Euiwoong pinches his cheeks as Daehwi slaps his hands away. “Why would I hate you? Aren’t we friends?” Sure, he supposes they are kind of friends – he only ever slaps his friends. “Granted – the only reason you asked me to be friends with you was because you don’t like using honorifics and I believe you said that I was – in your exact words - ‘ _easy-to-play-with_ ’-”

“Stop talking – there’s cameras rolling.” He flushes red as he brings his hands back to his lap. “They might misunderstand.” When Euiwoong doesn’t stop laughing, he gets up from his spot on the floor to shift away to a more comfortable distance. “Woong-ah, you really don’t hate me? For the way things happened?”

“Why? Do you have something to tell me? Were you in the editing room telling them to cut me out?” His eyes flatline into a sour sort of look until Euiwoong throws an arm over his shoulders. “Daehwi – my friend – it might come as a shock to you but my experience on this show is not on you.”

 “So, who is it on then? You?” Surely, someone holds the blame for the fact that he’s here on finale night’s stage and Euiwoong’s sitting in the audience.

“No, it’s not on me, either.” Euiwoong snaps his water bottle open, taking a swig and wiping at his mouth before gesturing to the audience and staff that will fill this hall in mere hours.  “It’s on them. It’ll always be that way - we can only do our best.”

Right. The audience. That ever elusive identity that never really knows what it wants. “Sometimes – that’s not good enough.”

“Just a few more hours, Daehwi.” Euiwoong lets out one soft chuckle, eyes directed down to his lap. “Hold out for just a few more hours and they’ll tell you if your best is good enough.”

“Hickory. Dickory. Dock –“

 

 

 

 

 

 

 “We don’t go to the same high school but since this is technically your graduation ceremony and you’re not going to be wearing that tacky gray thing anymore –“

She’s one to talk. “Still not as tacky as the short pink thing – “

“Shut up and let a bitch speak – “

“Only if you shut up period – “

“Lee Daehwi!” Somi growls like a pitbull before clearing her expression at the shriek earned silence she’s received from her best friend. “Can I please have the second button on your school uniform so I have your hey-art fo eva?”

She meants heart but it sounds like hurt and that’s too real for him right now. “This is not a Netflix sponsored shoujo anime.” He uses his hips to butt Somi in the side as IOI’s center falls over herself, hand over her chest like she’s ready to combust from laughter. “Who was dumb enough to vote your clumsy mess into center?”

“I’m like 99% sure those same idiots are voting for you?” Somi pushes her face backwards until she’s showing off her non-existent double chin making ‘ _dur-dur-dur’_ sounds with her deeper than normal voice.

“Soso –stop – you have an image to maintain-“ Oh dear god, he didn’t think it could get worse but her nostrils are actually ballooning up now. Any second now she’ll lift off like a hot air balloon  –

Like a magician – or like a stalker who’d been waiting for the opportune time to butt into the conversation – Kim Samuel appears from the other side of the room. “Jeon Somi _sunbaenim –_ you don’t know me – “

In an instant, his Somi’s contorted face relaxes back into the beauty that most of the country recognizes as she takes Samuel’s hand with all the airs of a gentle English woman. “Kim Samuel. Of course! The second Jeon Somi! The yin to Daehwi’s yang!” He can’t help but snort at that – is that really what the internet is calling him and Sam these days? “You’re much cuter in person!”

Oh, wow.

Does she have to give him this false hope?

Though to be fair – Somi doesn’t even know Sam has any hope.

She may know now though - Samuel's giving them both a stupid dumb smile that confirms he's brain dead. “Samuel –“ Please, don’t do something stupid. Please, don’t do something stupid.

“Jeon Somi –“ Samuel starts to kneel on the ground and Daehwi hits his forehead with his palm. He expects too much from people. “Will you do me the honor of –“

He has to intervene before Kim Samuel makes a fool of himself. “Samuel was just going to say will you do him the honor of leaving? You’re so annoying Somi – and I’m sure you have some IOI PR work to do?”

“What IOI PR work? We’re disbanded.” Somi - ever benevolent and altruistic Somi - pretends not to notice that he’s smacking Samuel on the back roughly trying to get her fanboy’s soul to enter his body again. “Good luck out there you two! Don’t let me down now!”

The dopey light in his best friend’s eyes disappears to be replaced by a tin soldier stance.  “Of course, it makes me happy to know I have someone like you cheering for me as well as Daehwi. Thank you for your support -“

Daehwi finds his attention drawn away from Samuel’s conversation with Somi when a figure enters the back stage area.The first thing that catches his eyes is that the stranger is tall and he doesn’t look like your typical staff member with that flashy pass around his neck.

In fact, the other man looks relieved now that he’s in the safety of the Super Hot change room as his fingers reach up to his ears to bring down the mask on his -

No – fucking – way –

When the idol realizes that Daehwi’s been looking at him this whole time, he presses one finger to his lips requesting his silence.  “Samuel –“

“Not right now Hwi-“ Samuel whacks a hand in his face. “I’m busy talking to Somi sunbae-nim-“

This little bitch. “Kim Samuel – I swear –”

It’s too late. “Purple, huh? It’s cute - like a lavender farm sprouted on your head.” Of all the things Daehwi could have imagined legendary Seventeen leader Choi Seungcheol saying to Samuel – it was not this.

Granted, all three of them are struck silent at the laughing idol as he plays with Samuel’s hair.

This staring thing goes on for quite a few minutes given that there’s just so much to admire in Choi Seungcheol – his standing in the industry, the fact he’s survived a ridiculously long training period at Pledis and lived to tell the tale successfully with 12 other boys  -

And definitely – definitely – the outline of his arms in that hoodie – “Mine. I saw him first.”

Somi’s always so possessive. He turns to see her blow him a kiss before blowing one Seungcheol’s way - thankfully the Pledis leader hasn’t noticed a thing.  “Daddy chaser –“

“Shut up!” She kicks him in the shins and he growls, baring his teeth at her. He’s going to dance on stage in a few minutes – you’d think she’d be a little less aggressive. “I’m just staking my claim.” The proverbial rule of their industry if you wanted to stay successful past 25 is very much eat with your eyes and not your mouth.

Not that he should be saying anything at all. He’s a complete hypocrite. All of Korea has seen him look, look, look till he was driven crazy enough to reach out to someone who had always just wanted to be left alone. “Have at your claim, Jeon Somi-ssi. I’m just a kid in a candy shop.”

“Uh  - “ His metaphor doesn’t exactly fly over her head like he’d wanted it to. “Candy shop, huh? Care to tell me what kind of candy you’ve been sampling? Lee? Daehwi? Ssi?” Somi has one hand on her hips like she’s drawn up a 10, 000 word paper on exactly the type of _confectionery_ he’s talking about and it’s the most irritating thing he’s ever seen.  

“Huh? What? I don’t know what you’re saying? Are you okay? Are you still dieting – poor thing – should we get you some food?” Even he’s too weak to stop the stupid smile on his face as he sees Somi flick one eyebrow up.

“You gonna be like that? You gonna play a homie like that?” This time he flares his nostrils out as Somi kisses her teeth, nodding with all the understanding of a K-Drama mother-in-law. “Fine. Be like that. When you’re crying later – just know that you asked for it – “

His eyes flicker up to someone else, laughing as his broad shoulders are enveloped in the joint embrace of Joo Kyulkyung and Im Nayoung. Don’t look Daehwi. Don’t look. Don’t look. “I asked for nothing except peace and quiet – should have known that’s too much to ask of you – “

“I take you the candy shop!” Oh god, she’s rapping. She’s really rapping…and beat boxing…and walking around with her thighs spread like she’s going to pop into a Bang Bang replay for the undeserving audience of Super Hot’s waiting room. “I let you – do sometimes interesting and sometimes weird - things to a lollipop -“

“Somi! Stop!” She looks at him, wide eyed and confused until he gestures to the cameras around them, just waiting for more garbage to edit. “Not the time for 50cent -“

Somi sticks her tongue out, the human equivalent of an abomination of an emoji. “Bet your story’s worth a whole dollar fifty. Tell me later!”

There’s only a few minutes left till his life changes, for better or for worse. “Will I have enough time to talk later? I don’t know man – interviews – meet and greets – moving out – I got a lot to do – you’re like way low on the priority list for me –”

“God, you ARE arrogant. Just like the comments on the internet said. I’m questioning my decision to support you in this show – “

Somi’s tirade against him is turned down as he catches Samuel’s smile wavering. “Shush SoSo.”

Samuel shuts his eyes to avoid looking at anyone around them as he stays wrapped in Seungcheol’s very well developed arms. “I can’t believe you came, hyung. You really came.”

Whatever reaction the Seventeen leader had been hoping his presence would incite from the Brave Trainee, it hadn’t been this broken record chanting. “I told Minki to tell you I’d come Muel-ah.”

“Yeah hyung.” Samuel looks up smiling, a little more put together than he’d been a moment ago. “The words didn’t have meaning till I saw you here.”

His spine stiffens and Daehwi looks down to the ground, ashamed.

These words are inspiration for Choi Seungcheol to press kisses to the crown of Samuel’s head with all the affection of a real brother.

There’s no logical reason for him to be affected by Samuel’s words.

From beside him, he feels Somi worm her fingers through his hands. “I know we haven’t really talked about everything – but I figured this isn’t really the place for that – or the time - or any metaphysical dimension of- “

“I’m fine, Somi.” She doesn’t look like she believes him - probably because she has her own battle scars. “Promise! You have nothing to worry about.”

Despite his words, for a second, just for a second – he wants to see if someone else is okay.

He finds Dongho all right, surrounded by his own little PLEDIS army.

Right now, Joo Kyulkyung has jumped straight into Minki’s arms. Minki’s not doing a very good job of lifting her up so Minhyun takes over and puts her snickering form down.

Im Nayoung’s cooing and pointing in their direction where no doubt her heart has melted at the sight of Samuel and Seungcheol. She pulls on Jonghyun’s sleeve to drag his attention to the sight but he’s distracted by a game on his phone so she starts pulling on Dongho instead – Dongho turns his head to the side and -

If Daehwi’s not supposed to rely on the words they’ve said to each other, then how does he translate what they are into a meaning he can live with?

He raises one hand in the air, a casual wave accompanied by a softer smile.

Dongho smiles back with a quick nod before turning back to Nayoung.

Somi’s eyes catch his from the corner of his gaze and he can all but hear the disappointment in her voice. “Daehwi-”

Always too darn perceptive for her own good. “Yeah, SoSo?”

“What are you looking at?” She steps in front of his line of sight. It’s effective, if a little foolish. He can’t look at Dongho anymore but that doesn’t mean Dongho’s not still in the crevices of his mind.

He pulls his hands to his uniform, popping the second button out from its stitches before placing it in Somi’s warm perfection of a palm.

Holding Somi’s hand is nice. She’s always been there - the net under the jump, ready to catch him when he falls.

She looks between the button and his face – confusion turning into fear turning into worry. “You, idiot.”

He nods, pointing at himself. “Nayana.” 

Somi doesn’t laugh.

How unfortunate, he thought that was one of his better jokes on the show.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Daehwi! Who smudged your liner?!”

“Sorry Mina noona, I didn’t realize till now but – does it matter?” He’s shoved into a swivel chair to the side of the waiting room with no hope of saving himself from the rogue make-up artist.

“Aish – Daehwi you still have to go out and perform Always. Let me clean you up.” Her hands get to work with the materials she has on hand but she starts to mumble under her breath. “I can’t believe they didn’t use the good stuff on you. Original center can’t look this bad -”

Ha - some original center he was. “Please fix it for me.”

Her expression softens as she grabs a wipe to take off the shadow that’s bled past his lids. “Don’t worry, noona’s got this! Just don’t move an inch. I’ll have you looking like a manga prince in no time but I just have to go find the sweat proof stuff.” With that, Mina flies off as far as the fake silver wings on her sneakers will carry her.

It’s nice that someone’s worrying about him when the screen confirmed that his odds of making it into the final group have just dropped.

He now has a 25% chance at a happy ending. He’s sure there’s someone else with a better chance who needs Mina’s help- 

Before he can make his way to hiding in the shadows of the backstage area, someone else’s feathers are rustled into the chair beside his. “Dongho, please STOP –“

From the mirror, Daehwi catches sight of Dongho looking at him with the same apologetic expression he’s always wearing around him. “Hyung, don’t you want to work on someone else? Someone more willing to get primped and pampered like Lee Daehwi here -”

Daehwi keeps his gaze on his lap, bitter smile playing on the keys of his mouth. Dongho must be in a good mood today if he’s joking around like that.

Despite Dongho’s advice, Myeongsuk doesn’t give up as he smacks a hand against Dongho’s unruly head.  “They should call you sweaty bandit – not sexy bandit –“

“It’s nothing, hyung! You know the lighting-”  

“So shiny - astronauts can see you from outerspace Dongho-ya- I probably can’t even matte this up well –”

Despite his best efforts, a snicker slips past his lips and gives Dongho permission to start a conversation with him. “Hey Daehwi. How’s it going?”

Ah - does he need to ask that?

Everyone and their moms saw his face on the jumbo tron of pixels that had announced him as the audience favourite for spot 11 – the Nation’s very own - ‘ _eh-I’m-not-so-sure-about-this-one_ ’ spot. Dongho’d held it once. “It’s going. Second by second to the end.”

“God – who taught you to be so cryptic?” Dongho’s scratching at his chin as Daehwi looks at him with one raised eyebrow. “Ah, right.”

With every scratch itched away,  Dongho’s eyes squint like he’s in pain and Daehwi can start to see hair follicles poke their way out of his pores. “Looks like you’re trying to show off your beard –“

“Don’t worry Daehwi, there’s prop beards in the MNet storage room if you’re so jealous of my ability to grow a beard –”

His jaw drops as he watches Dongho’s lips stretch into the most magnificent and annoying smile he’s had the pleasure of seeing on his face.  “Excuse you, hairy beast – who’s jealous of who?”

Myeongsuk is all too humored as he looks their way and starts scanning the supplies laid out on the counter. “Daehwi’s right – your hair’s a little too strong right now, Dongho. You’re going to look like you have dents on your skin in HD. I need something heavier than topping powder to cover it up – where’s that stupid powder we had to buy for you and Jung Jung?”

“Hyung! Since Jung Jung’s not here anymore, can I have it after? I don’t have any make up at home – I’m broke.” Myeongsuk groans muttering something about cheap idols as he walks away to hunt the singular shade down. “Guess Myeongsuk hyung isn’t giving me the powder.”

“Guess not.”

“Are you worried?”

Maybe Dongho does have an idea of how he’s feeling right now – this is the first genuine question he’s asked him in days. “Worried is an understatement.”

“You don’t believe what they showed up there, right?” He doesn’t really know what to believe.  A lot of what he had believed when he started this show isn’t true anymore. “Daehwi, you’ve done everything right. You’ve shown them everything you have in you and –“

Euiwoong’s smile flitters past his thoughts and he shrugs. “Sometimes, that’s not enough for them.” It feels like the right moment to walk away. This conversation is best left for another time and another place –

But just as his feet touch the ground, hands climb over his limbs – fingertips lifted and filtered through one by one until the gaps between his fingers are filled and then –

He’s enough.

An odd sense of calm coats his heart when he looks up to see Dongho looking at him as he shakes his head. “Don’t think like that.”

He shuts his eyes and grips back. “It’s easy to.”

“When have you ever done the easy thing?” A smile paints itself on his face as he relishes in the warmth of Dongho's hand in his.

Their feelings for each other have gone through the washer – wet and dry and wet and dry but at least this is one constant. “What about you?”

Maybe Dongho feels like he’s enough too. “I’m fine, Daehwi.”

“The sweat breaking through your setting powder and Myeongsuk hyung would not agree with you. Are you trying to sell how hot you are?”

“No need to be so excited to tell everyone I’m the hottest thing you’ve ever met –“ Dongho laughs it off like he laughs everything off with the tilt of his head and a smile that would make the Pilsbury dough boy jealous.

“Really? Let’s just see how hot you are then-“

“I don’t think you could handle it Daehwi – “ Before Dongho can say another word, his fingers flutter past his boyfriend’s newly shortened bangs to touch his forehead.

“Fuck –“ He’s hot alright – he’s a fire all by himself. Is he even okay sitting like this? “Why- are you okay?”

Whatever amusement Dongho had found in this conversation disappears from his face. “What?”

He looks around the room to make sure no one’s listening before he leans closer to whisper - “Are you sick?”

“What?!” Dongho barks before he lowers his voice all too aware of the eyes watching them. “Sick is Woojin dancing with shingles or Jinyoung performing with conjunctivitis – a fever is not sick. I’m stronger than that. You think I haven’t performed with a fever before?”

He wants to correct him because the reality is Dongho’s weaker than he thinks he is. “You need rest, at least go lie down in the sick room –”

Dongho waves a stubborn hand in his direction. “Worry about yourself, Daehwi.”

The fuck? Why should he worry about himself? He’s not the one who’s going to faint on stage in a few minutes because he’s an idiot who doesn’t know how to take care of himself – “I’m in much better shape than you are.”

It’s not supposed to be a joke but Dongho starts laughing anyways, loud Halloween witch like cackles that catch the attention of the few in the room with them. “You’re in better shape? Than me? In what universe?”

Emotionally, definitely. Physically, to be determined. “Well, I’m not the one who’s burning a temperature.”

“Daehwi –“ He’d forgotten they were holding hands but Dongho hadn’t and he uses his stronger grasp now to his advantage.

Daehwi’s pulled to the right. “What are you doing?” Then to the left. “Ah – so irritating.” He’s pulled up roughly from his seat as Dongho laughs at him. “Wow, who are you even trying to show off for?”

Dongho puts him back down, their arms landing on the counter in front of them. He feels Dongho’s thumb run over the skin on the back of his hand. “You.” His heart leaps into his throat as his eyes widen to the size of saucers. “Was that not obvious? Do I need to repeat that performance?”

He tries his best to take gulpfuls of air with as much dignity as possible but if the smile on Dongho’s face is any indication – he’s not very good at it. “Point proven. You’re a little – stronger than me. A little.”

Dongho nods seriously, features all flattened into complete and total agreement. “Right – just a little.” He isn’t able to keep up his expression – before long the asshole is laughing again. “I believe the phrase is – bro, do you even lift?”

In Dongho’s stilted accent, it makes him laugh a little harder than he should. “Actually – the phrase is do you even lift, bro? And despite you being a very bro-tacular person – please never use the word again –“

“Why not, bro?”

“Because bro?”

“So, do you guys go to the gym?”

“All the Brand New trainees get sent to the gym to bulk up.”

“All except you?”

“Blasphemy.” Dongho cracks up again as he whacks his shoulder. “I’ll have you know – I can lift my own weight!” He wouldn’t admit it to the other boy but he does get to skip out more than the other trainees as long as he has the excuse of holing himself up in the junior studio room–

“Yeah?” His boyfriend questions, hand on his chin like a detective waiting to crack down on his lie. “What can you benchpress?”

“It’s not a competition, Kang Dongho.”

“Actually –“ Dongho looks at the T.V. screen in their room presently showcasing the trainees on screen crying. “It kind of is a competition. I guess I’m just always trying to compete with you Daehwi -”

“And I thought I was the dramatic one.” If he tells him, Dongho will make fun of him. Dongho looks like he was born weight lifting.

He on the other hand was born in a hospital like a normal baby and has no need to prove that he lifts, bro. “Look at this kid ignoring the initial question – I knew you were lying – “

“I’m not lying!” His feet are suddenly very interesting – mostly because the smug smile on Dongho’s face makes him want to wipe it off in a manner he knows Dongho wouldn’t appreciate right here right now.

“Wow, you’re a lot of things Daehwi – but a liar – “

How dare he call him a liar? “Excuse me!” He pushes Dongho’s shoulder to the left, all too surprised to feel Dongho just fall backwards to the chair with no resistance. “Just because I’m not bragging doesn’t mean I’m a liar – okay? I can lift a lot. Like 250.”

Okay, he wasn’t a liar before because he was just omitting information but now he’s definitely a liar. “250, huh?” Dongho looks impressed. Probably because he expected nothing from him which was the correct expectation to have.“250 what?”

“Litres, obviously.” Dongho sputters out laughing again, covering his mouth with his hands as his chest moves rapidly. “Kilos?” Now, his boyfriend is clutching his sides looking like he’s begging him to stop talking. “Pounds. Definitely pounds. Why are you still laughing?! I’m sure pounds is the right measurement!”

“For the next time you decide to lie about this - weights don’t come in litres, Daehwi.” Dongho wipes the tears from his eyes. “Come on, tell me what you really lift – I’m not going to laugh I swear. Nothing can be funnier than 250 Litres –“

Is there some way he can say this from another room? Perhaps another continent? A completely different dimension would work too - “For now, I can lift the rod.”

Dongho doesn’t laugh. At least, not right away. “What’d you just say?”

He grits his teeth together. “The rod. I can lift the rod. That little silver thingy.”

“The rod?” His boyfriend whispers before he sputters back little droplets of spit. Honestly – is it even that funny? Of course, he’d fall for a gym nut. “The ROD?!”

“Can you keep it down please?!” Dongho has the decency to muffle his laugh into his hands but he doesn’t have the decency to stop. Seriously, what an asshole. Everyone has to start somewhere – “Like you honestly didn’t know?” Dongho shakes his head, continuing to laugh. “You do remember that the first time you basically whipped me back and forth like that was at our _stupid_ arm wrestle right –“

Dongho’s eyes light up at the memory, enlightened as he leans forward. “You didn’t even try, did you?”

“Of course not. Only a fool –“ His eyes glance over at Haknyeon and Dongho laughs even harder at the expense of his fellow Jeju trainee.  “Would want to beat you at arm wrestling.”

“Pity –“ Dongho leans into him, hands dancing on the inside of his arm to his elbow.  

He wants to ask him to reverse time. He wants to ask him for a moment away. He wants to ask him for so much but since none of that is in their approved safe zone of topics all he can ask him to do is –“Can you stop laughing before someone here comes to ask you why you’re laughing? I’m just trying to save you from looking like an ass.”

“I don’t know man – my ass is trending.” If he’d been drinking water, Daehwi would have spat it out on Dongho’s face. “But fine – sensitive Lee Daehwi who can’t lift anything but a rod I’ll stop laughing.”

As promised, Dongho’s giggles stop bit by bit with little peaks and valleys until he looks back at him and that’s when Daehwi sees it.

When Dongho’s not laughing or smiling – he looks ghostly with his eyes sunken into their sockets and the inside of his lips chapped and dry. Is he that sick?  Why isn’t he just resting? Why is he making things difficult again?

But Dongho’s never listened to him before – and so he knows better than to force his opinions on the other man. The only thing he can do is try to help in the ways Dongho will let him. “In my defense, it’s a very heavy rod.”

This time instead of irritating him, Dongho’s laughs ease the anxiety cooking in his heart. “I’m just thinking of that poor rod – waving from side to side – barely able to be held up by a skinny little – “ He punches Dongho right in the arm, making his boyfriend yowl in surprise. “What was that?!”

He looks at his fist with a healthy degree of pride till it turns into a snap in front of Dongho’s face. “Guess this skinny little thing doesn’t have to lift a finger to prove he’s stronger than you - “

“Violent. Violent. What would the Nation’s Producers say?” Dongho’s hands come up, faced to the sky like he’s trying to avoid another playful punch.

Oh, right. Those guys. The ones who have him at #11 - #14. “They’ve already said too much – I should have a chance to say something now.”

“Will you keep something in mind for me?” Dongho smiles - half a shard playful with the other edge coated in concern. “Don’t give anyone the ability to make you feel weak.”

How ironic those words are. “That’s funny coming from you.”

Dongho looks sorry again…the way he always does. It leaves him wondering if Dongho will ever figure out that it’s not the other man’s apologies he wants.

“I’d like to think there’s a world where you never have to know what it’s like to feel the way I do.” Dongho’s hands touch his again, so feather-light and soft in every caress that if he hadn’t been looking at their fingers – he’d have missed the motion entirely.

“And how do you feel?” His hands are a little rougher. Grabby, palmy, insistent and yet- all the force in the world will not stop Dongho from shifting away. “Don’t.”

He feels Dongho’s other hand land on his neck, shaking his head. “Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?” He’s asked another question and earned another silence.

But what Dongho can’t say, he paints with strokes and circles into his skin till Daehwi’s sure he’ll be marked for the rest of his life for the world to see.

The good thing about their predictability is that he knows the other man is only seconds away from pulling away again so he reaches upwards, fingers twining long and pretty into the spaces above Dongho’s smaller palm.

Dongho shakes his head. “Don’t, Daehwi.”

He’s just trying to stop him from leaving again.

Is that so bad? “Why?”

Something in his eyes must have begged for more than what the other man has already given him because Dongho lets out one last breath. “Helpless, Daehwi. I feel helpless here.”

Dongho doesn’t want him to respond.

At least, Daehwi doesn’t think so because any response from him would be laced with the intricacies of how he feels and –

These feelings are a burden for Dongho who’s already driven half way to his end, burning up under the last rays of a sunset so beautiful it blinds Daehwi.

Helpless is not love.

But at least, helpless is something he feels too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND WE'RE DONE - 
> 
> hahaha just kidding - we still have the ranking. the ranking chapter is thankfully in much better shape than this one was and one I had more fun writing
> 
> also - i know i said I finished writing this ages ago but I obviously lied bc I rewrite and cry about this story all the time so - I'm estimating 3 chapters more. for any of you still here - my god - I should buy you all a milk tea.


	27. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIII - LI took a backseat while I finished a fic fest fic which is FINISHED so as an apology to everyone who has waited for this - voila my friends go ham.
> 
> NOTE: I do include references to things that have been casually mentioned in previous chapters - hopefully - I don't completely lose you guys? 
> 
> DOUBLE NOTE:I have done my absolute best to stay as true to finale as possible - hopefully none of it is confusing but if it is - let me know :) also some of the things - I did use creative liberty on but if you know something else is canon feel free to let me know!

 “10.”

 

 

 

Daehwi's 10. For now.

Or well, at least it was his ranking. Last week.

His eyes scan the pedestal the twenty idol hopefuls are on.  Eighteen other boys are looking straight at BoA like they want nothing more than to be called #10 for the rest of their lives by hordes of Korean Netizens -

And one boy is looking up to the glaring sky of spotlights. His eyes are wide open despite the sharp impact of light that’s cascading on all their frames to expose flaw and feature for all of their country to see.

Dongho’s smile is not a smile, not really, but his eyes are thankful nevertheless.

Daehwi looks back to the ground.

 

 

 

_“YOU are the pimpiest pimpy pimp -”_

_Here on the back creek of Cardinal Carter Junior, Lee Daehwi squints up at the sun, begging the divine god like any ancient Greek pauper  would to save him from this conversation._

_Apparently – Raj heard from Jay who was talking to Tara who knows for a fact  -_

_Soohyun likes him._

_So, like the overachieving boy he is, Raj has taken it upon himself to play cupid for everyone in their school._

_Part of him is exhausted. Most of him agrees that there's a million other things he’d rather be doing right now –  “I don’t like her, Raj.”_

_And a small slice of Lee Daehwi's hidden heart whispers to his present mind the real reason he doesn’t want to be a part of this conversation. “COME ON PIMPY! At least, pretend to! You really want to hurt her feelings?”_

_Pretend - huh?_

_Is that something he could do?_

_It’s not like he doesn’t like Soohyun. He does._

_When he first moved to this school - Soohyun invited him into her house. Now, Soohyun’s parents feed him on a weekly basis._ _Soohyun even taught him the intricacies of the language he speaks more often than his mother tongue._

 _Soohyun makes you look twice every time her eyes sparkle during a particularly ferocious basketball game._ _Next year in the student elections, Soohyun will surely get elected president of their mediocre student body a_ _nd pretending would make sense because – Soohyun is a winner, through and through and through –_

_But he doesn’t know what he is._

_He leans towards the creek and his reflection peers back at him innocent and unaware of why he's being judged before he has a chance to vouch for himself._

_It would be easy. The Daehwi on the other side of the water can wear a mask. Soohyun might never know – not if he pretends very well –_

_A sharp twang resounds in his chest and he shuts his eyes tight._

 

 

“BAE JINYOUNG.”

His eyes connect with Jinyoung’s as the other boy grins at him. Jinyoung deserves this win. He’s spent night after night toiling to be someone who deserves to stand on stage with them.

For him, Jinyoung is someone he didn’t consider a close friend right away. Hell, beyond the hyungs in Brand New and Park Woojin – he didn’t consider any of the people here friends. 

At least, not at first. At first, everyone was a strategy. Delegated to  be part of his well devised plan to ensure he’d shine on camera by using others to whom the camera was naturally attracted to.

And Bae Jinyoung is the definition of attraction. Small face, dark eyes, plummeting self confidence-

He's been an MNet production success story in the making for weeks.

Jinyoung turns to look at him one last time before running to center stage.

Daehwi cheers. The audience has validated his friend and confirmed 10 won’t be his this week.

But if that number is going to Jinyoung – that’s something he’s more than okay with.

 

  

 

“9.”

 

 

 

_“Thanks for driving me, Jen!”_

_“Well – I didn’t really have an option – “ Jenny_ _, born to the name Lee Han Byul, is his oldest cousin on his father’s side._

_25, with a side of never aging, Jenny is his saving grace.  She’s the reason he’s sitting outside of an auditorium where everyone speaks Korean. The registration lady at the front addressed him in Korean, the security guard barked washroom directions to him in Korean and the casting agents slipping out of the auditorium doors to make fun of candidates are doing it in, you guessed it, Korean._

_EVERYONE speaks Korean._

_It’s not that he can’t keep up – because he can - but hearing Korean spoken like this makes it sound so unlike the language his family speaks to each other._

_The Korean here sounds disconnected. It’s inflected with a harshness he’s not used to hearing. He feels like he’s a militia soldier off to war instead of a teenage kid hoping to get accepted on a free ride to super stardom._

_Maybe he should have auditioned for The Voice –_

_“Daehwi-ah,” Jenny appears to have caught onto his apprehension because she’s bringing his head to rest on her shoulders. “You okay?”_

_“I’m fine.” He’s always liked Jenny._

_For one – she’s never given a shit about what anyone thinks in their family. She dresses the way she wants. She studies when she wants. She dates whoever she wants._

_And sure - maybe some of those decisions inspire fear in her parents (rightfully so given her choice in men) but Daehwi still sees her as a responsible human being because Jenny takes ownership of every choice she makes on the path to her own happiness._

_She runs her long manicured nails against his hair and he smiles up at her. “What did you decide to sing again?”_

_He’d like to be like her one day. “I made a special arrangement."_

_“An arrangement huh?” Jenny teases. “Our little show off who tries too hard at everything.” She pinches the bridge of his nose, forcing his face to scrunch up. “What’d you re-arrange Maestro Lee?”_

_This is his big risk. It’s why he’s worried everyone here is speaking as much Korean as they are._

_But he has to remember – this song isn’t just for them. He’s singing it for himself too. “The Winner Takes It All.”_

_“By ABBA?” She’s laughing at him like he’s a fool – and part of him really must be. “Daehwi! You’re auditioning for JYP Entertainment and you’re singing a song from the Swedish idol group that ruled the great disco era that is the 60s and 70s?”_

_Yeah, he is. Is that so bad?_

_It’s the song he grew up listening to in the backseat of the old Ford Escort. He’d complain and ask his parents to listen to something from this millennium but instead his parents would only sing over the group louder, laughing as they looked each other in the eyes with the type of happiness that confirmed for him that some people are made to be together._

_One day, he’d like to imagine he’ll know what that feels like. To be made for someone and have someone made for him._

_But until he knows such an immeasurable happiness  –_

_All he has is ‘The Winner Takes It All’._

_“_ _Should I change it? Is ABBA too risky?”_

_Jenny shakes her head. “ABBA was samchon’s favourite band, right?”_

_“Yeah.”  Across from them, there’s a glass pane that reveals their reflection._

_Today, he isn’t wearing his glasses at least. Something told him that thick round frames around his odd wide-ish face wouldn’t get him past audition #1._

_He’s not awe-inspiringingly beautiful either. The other boys here are wearing multi-coloured circle lenses with a definite layer of makeup that’s separate from their actual skin tone in an effort to look paler._

_Compared to them – he feels plain._

_Before he’d left the house, he had gone to his mother’s dresser._ _She’d come over, saccharine smile on her lips as her hands pushed his away from her safely guarded year old cosmetics._

_At the surprise in his eyes, she’d pressed a kiss to his head and asked him to be strong if he didn’t pass the audition._

_And he’d promised he would be fine before running out to Jenny’s car with an understanding copy pasted on his face to hide the embarrassment and shame building in his heart._

_His mother doesn’t want him to be different._

_But that’s not something that’s up to her._

_And it sure as hell hasn't been up to him either._

_“Hey Daehwi,” He looks up at Jenny, sad eyes meeting her confused ones before he cowers into her outstretched arms.  “You think you’ll take it all?”_

_Music has to set him free._

_Because if it doesn’t –_

_“I have to.”_

 

 

 

“HWANG MINHYUN.”

Daehwi beams upwards as he reaches for Minhyun’s waist to hug him.

Minhyun doesn’t stay back with them long, his lengthy legs have already dashed forward to the stage by the time the rest of them are hollering cheers for him.

The HD cameras push a picture of the water coating Minhyun’s eyes on the screens surrounding them.

Hwang Minhyun looks up, tears never quite falling.

He, like Dongho, looks thankful. After all, Hwang Minhyun finally has the chance to make good on the promises he made to his family when he left Busan to work out of a basement in Seoul.

Euiwoong’s words from the rehearsal enter his mind and Daehwi laughs.

Minhyun shouldn’t be looking up –

He should be looking out. There are people standing all around them with his name etched in slogans made from silk, paper and love –

Screaming hallelujah.

 

 

 

“8.”

 

_“Again!”_

_Throughout the duration of his first vocal assessment at JYP – Daehwi’s become aware of one thing._

_Everyone has a soft spot for Jeon Somi._

_Everyone but the trainer._

_Somi sings again._

_And again – it is insufficient to appease the irritation the trainer has towards her. “Somi –ssi, we all understand you’re very pretty but are you even trying to sing right now?! You can’t just perform on stage with those looks, you know? You’ll need a voice too –”_

_Daehwi frowns. It isn’t fair - Jeon Somi’s trying. It’s all she’s been doing for the past four minutes as this lady does her best to break her down._

_But Jeon Somi’s made of strong material._

_With her spine straight and the expression on her face changed from a deer caught in the headlights to a stubborn mule on stage –  she starts to sing again._

_Every note hit with power sourced from deep breaths that thunder in the small room they’re in.  “Better Somi-ssi, keep that up and I’ll fight for your showcase spot.” At least, there’s a level of fairness in the trainer. Not that it helps him any – he’s still dreading his turn. He has no friends here – but then who does?_

_This is the JYP trainee showcase evaluation – everyone is here looking out for themselves. “Nayeon, your turn.”_

_The vocal trainers are kinder to Nayeon. Nayeon’s been here a long, long time. Nayeon is trainee royalty._

_Her status comes with bitterness as a side. Nayeon is, after all, a queen bee whose honey has soured after being hidden away in the depths of JYP’s bottomless treasure chest for far too long._

_Nayeon performs to a passable level with no effort at all. “Good – just make sure you do it like that at the showcase. Chan, can you go next?”_

_Chan is more than perfect. Chan – like Nayeon – is royalty._

_Chan, unlike Nayeon, hasn’t yet had a chance to let bitterness settle upon him. So his sound is enunciated by smiles and charms and a confidence that has the trainer beaming. “You’ll go alone at the showcase with that attitude.”_

_Chan’s huffing as he bows as low as his back will allow him to. “Thank you.” A solo performance is no joke. A solo performance means the company thinks you’re worthy enough to be on your own – a feat limited for those who have already debuted._

_And then –_

_You can do this, Daehwi._

_You can do this._

_“Lee Daehwi – new trainee - ”_

_“YES!” He’s supposed to be singing the opening lines from ‘Lies’ from Big Bang. It’s a song that’s well within his range but also one  that everyone in this room will critique strictly._

_The trainer looks over his papers. “Foreign trainee, huh? You all know what that means. A golden spoon just came in here to compete with you all – ” Right. Most foreign trainees debut in the JYP family. The fact he’s here means he’s as good as into Got7 Part II. “Liking Korea so far Mr.Lee?” The trainer chides in English._

_He replies in Korean, like a soldier. “Yes! I’m quite familiar with Seoul! I’m staying with family right now so no trouble whatsoever!”_

_“Well then –“ Everyone looks like they’re struggling to not laugh at him and he already feels like a joke when the trainer clears her throat and the gaggle of teenagers quiet. “Why don’t you demonstrate for everyone here why you’re here?”_

_So he sings._

_Up and down, pitched and pained as the force of the lies  he lives every day rip into the chords of this song._

_All that’s left in the wake of his performance is absolute silence._

_At least, until the trainer finishes checking off her boxes. “Your hands shouldn’t shake when you sing and keep your eyes off the paper – but your voice is more than adequate. Prepare for the showcase at the end of the year.”_

_The jaws of more established trainees fall as they scoff in his direction._

_He bows his head downwards and keeps his gaze to the floor. It isn't about making friends - it's about making it in general - and to make it maybe he has to let go of the concept of friendship because the people here with him are just competitors -_

_A boy from his side pats his shoulder. “That was really good.”_

_“Kim Donghyun! Did I say you could talk?!” The trainer chastises as Donghyun pulls on his ears before turning back to Daehwi and winking at him._

_From beside Donghyun, another boy mumbles like a ventriloquist doll. “Told you not to compliment the American –“_

_Daehwi smiles as he looks at them. “Thank you.”_

_“I wasn’t even talking to you!” The sharp toothed, sharper tongued boy growls out at him as he clears his throat. “And by the way – your rap on Lies could definitely use some work – your inflection was way off - ”_

_“Would you go over it later with me? I don't really rap - I mean unless you count listening to Eminem on the radio and singing along -"_

_The boy’s eyes widen, blinking like he hadn’t expected such an easy going answer from him. “FINE.” Then he looks to his hands like he’s not quite sure what his mouth just said without asking his brain._

_Somi slides over to stand beside Donghyun who looks only too happy that Somi is here as he wraps an arm over her shoulders. “Park Woojin won’t let Donghyun talk to the adorable American but he’s already plotting to be best friends with him because he's lonely and new here too –“_

_“Jeon Somi, worry about your self. I’m just being nice." Woojin grumbles in the direction of the cackling Somi and Donghyun combo._

_Daehwi laughs behind his hand, letting out a breath._

_Somehow - these three don't feel like competitors._

 

“YOON JISUNG.”

Daehwi's jaw drops as he turns towards Jisung who has reacted exactly the way Daehwi thought he would.

The older trainee’s face has crumbled from shock to an absolute gut wrenching sadness.

Jisung cries. A lot.

Jisung tries to talk to Daniel, who is cradling his face in his hands and wiping tears away with his injured thumb. Jisung cries.

Jisung shakes on stage. Jisung cries.

Jisung tries to talk. Jisung cries.

Jisung always cries. Jisung’s emotions are just always that much more pronounced and hard for him to keep to himself.  

Daehwi catches sight of Jisung’s sister in the audience.

She’s crying too.

His eyes glance over at Somi who is looking at the screen, hands clenched tight in her lap. 

He closes his eyes.

Hearing Jisung’s speech and seeing Somi’s face in the blank space of his mind –

He feels like crying too.

 

 

 

“7.”

 

_"THEY CAN’T JUST DO THAT! WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?” Somi leaps to her feet, ready to marathon her way straight into the administrative offices on the 3 rd floor. _

_“Somi! Stop – seriously –“ It’s not an easy feat to try to hold her back because she, unlike him, gyms religiously._

_Somehow with Chaeyoung’s help though the two of them manage to wrap their arms over Somi’s ant waist and get her to stay put in their embrace so she won’t burn an entire building down for him._ _“Daehwi- let me go! That stupid staff is out of their mind – they can’t just – “ When she looks at him, he finds his throat choked._

_Her eyes are red, streams of waterfalls running down her face._

_She’s crying. For him._

_How is he supposed to stop himself from crying then? The good, the bad and the unsaid - Somi knows it all and she's still crying for him._ _“It’s done, Somi. It’s – it’s an audition at Brand New or it’s nothing.” If he keeps his gaze directed downwards then she won’t see how close he is to breaking down. He doesn’t need her to waste any more tears on him than she already has. She’s going to need them for her debut chance in a few weeks. “It’s fine.”_

_“That’s horse shit.” He’s going to do his best to disagree with her in his mind. It’s not horseshit. He’s not the only one re-auditioning. Woojin, Donghyun and Mitcheoji are too.  He’s sure they’ll all pass. Compared to them could the Brand New trainees really hold their ground as idols? “Daehwi,you deserve to make it – you’re going to be on the next show – you have to be-”_

_“Hey man, they’re moving me so I have a chance to do well somewhere else. I should be grateful –“_

_“Should I repeat myself? This is fucking horse shit. Everyone knows the management team is making a huge mistake. Did Rhymer pay us off or what?! Jinyoung’s an amazing rapper, Woojin’s the best dancer we have in the boys trainee team, you’re an amazing vocalist – and Donghyun –“She struggles for a second, her eyes narrowing. “Don’t tell him I told you this but he’s cute.” He laughs, running a hand across his lips to swear secrecy which is hilarious because Donghyun says the same thing about Somi every single day when they brush their teeth together. “None of you should have to leaves us. You’re perfect! You’re ready!”_

_“Just missing a leader!” He cheers. Out of the four of them on their makeshift team of trainees – none of them have managed that role very well. Micheotji is stressed with his family situation, Donghyun is just a pretty boy with a fancy guitar, Woojin’s more of an introverted army general than a leader and Daehwi’s lazy because leader work is boring work and he could spend that time playing around in the studio._

_There’s Chan sure – but Chan has his team already. He doesn’t need them._

_“The management team is right Somi, they’ll have better luck, elsewhere. We can’t have two boys teams at JYP launching so close to each other – that’s a recipe for disaster. If you’re going to be in Brand New that means San E hyung’s there – say hi.” Chaeyoung giggles. “Let’s do a rap duet together some day, okay Daehwi?”_

_He laughs. “You trying to steal my street cred already, Lee Chaeyoung?”_

_“Hey man –“ Chaeyoung smiles as Somi crumbles back down into tears again. “Don’t listen to her – she’s being dramatic but you’re going to be a rapper, singer, producer, composer and a dancer-“_

_“I am not being dramatic!” Somi shrieks pushing Chaeyoung’s hands off her – “Daehwi-“_

_But Somi never finishes her thought because Chaeyoung reaches out to hold his hands, eyes kind as she reassures him with every light caress that things will be okay because he will make it okay. “You’re going to win one day. I’m sure of it.”_

 

“LAI GUANLIN.”

Daehwi watches the large, buttery smile of Lai Guanlin spread joy all over the stadium. He marches over to the stage, ready for the spotlight like he’s belonged there all his life.

It’s the kind of confidence years of training just can’t teach.

From the back row, Daehwi catches the briefest glimpse of Seonho.

He’s clapping and screaming for his best friend but - like him – Seonho is still figuring out this acting thing. 

A blanket of enlightenment dawns on him as he watches Seonho’s hands drop to their sides, fists tightened into themselves, a steelier expression on his face as he faces the reality he will not make it.

The reason Seonho has behaved the way he has is nothing more than self preservation.

Seonho hurt Guanlin – but Guanlin will move on. Guanlin will have the world delivered to him on a silver platter and Wanna One is only the start.

There is no assurance Seonho will have the same story.

Daehwi feels his eyes struggle for a second and Samuel whips his face to him, the slightest of shakes of his head warning him against the action.

Right.

A few more minutes –

He can hold on for a few more minutes.

 

 

 

“6.”

 

 

_The first thing he notices about Rhymer at the audition is that he’s a ‘big’ guy._

_Not overweight or anything just - you know –big. The ‘intimidating, overpowering and has his fate in his palms’ kind of big._ _“So, you’re the one who can compose?”_

 _“_ _Yes.” He bows his head like he’s thanking him for the praise and Rhymer lets out a little scoff. “I’ve only managed a few songs right now during the training period with school – “_

_Rhymer rolls his lips inwards, fingers folded into fists as he leans towards him. “We’re planning our first idol group Daehwi. We need people who are serious about this –“_

_“What’s more serious than leaving my family behind to come learn to be a singer here?” He shoots back before Rhymer has an opportunity to shut him down again._

_Thankfully, this works because Rhymer’s paused to lift his eyes from the profile before him so he can get a look at the person instead of his paper resume. “What would you give up?”_

_“Huh?” He must have missed the point of the question._

_San E starts to laugh until Rhymer gives him a look that asks him to stop when he’s trying to scare the little boy.  “Let me put it this way. Your dream has come true and you’re the biggest singer in Korea. What, Lee Daehwi, would you have given up to get there?” San E leans backwards rubbing the back of his neck like he’s getting a headache._

_What hasn’t Daehwi given up already?_

_Well - he’s given up a normal semblance of life._

_He’s given up his family._

_He’s given up his friends. Twice now._

_What more is left for him to give up?_

_“Everything.” He supplies with a bit more hesitation than Rhymer'd like in his tone. “This is my dream – and I’m willing to put in the work to make it a reality. The people around me understand the commitment I have towards making music my career – not just as an idol and definitely not just as a singer.  I’m here because I want to make music the rest of my life Rhymer daepyo-nim.” He takes a deep breath – a little more sure of himself as the words leave his lips this time. “So I’m okay giving the world everything I have in exchange for a chance to make my dream a reality.”_

_Rhymer smiles._

_It’s the right answer._

 

“BRAND NEW MUSIC – “

His heart stops in his chest.

In front of him, Woojin’s huffing on the verge of a real heart attack at the sound of their company name.

“PARK WOOJIN.”

His tears aren’t going to wait for the end because Woojin’s name is one that he’s carried close to his heart for so long now that he feels like he’s won just hearing Woojin's name being called out.

Thankfully, he’s not the only one crying. Youngmin's not far behind.

Hyeongsub is screaming as he crashes headfirst into Woojin’s chest.

Daehwi lets himself wander into Woojin’s grasp as the other boy’s chest heaves up and down in shock, looking around stupefied.

“Woojin’s trying to stop himself from crying –“He snickers through his own tears to Samuel.

“You stop yourself from crying too.” Samuel laughs as he pulls his hand over his waist. “Wait, Daehwi, wait. Your turn is coming –”

Samuel doesn’t need to tell him this. He’s happy. He’s happy Woojin’s turn has come because –

He’s seen first hand how long it took.

 

 

 

“5.”

 

 

_“That’s where the kitchen is and that’s where the laundry area is and –“_

_“Where is the key to your heart?”_

_Daehwi looks to Woojin who is just as appalled that Kim Donghyun has said this with no concern for the fact that Im Youngmin’s face has turned to the colour of his hair (red)._

_“What?” Their new friend squeaks._

_Now, it’s Donghyun’s turn to look embarrassed because one of two things has happened:_

  * _He was serious about the question and Youngmin is now confused_
  * _He was not serious about the question and Youngmin is still confused_



_Eitherways, Kim Donghyun does not win this battle. “I said where do you keep the spare key?” Donghyun dashes to the kitchen and starts opening drawers left, right and center to find said alternate key while Youngmin does his best to calm down a frantic Donghyun._

_It’s the kind of cute that makes his heart squish a little bit inside of his chest. “I didn’t know –“_

_Woojin looks at him confused. “Well – yeah – you really didn’t know?” He shakes his head. “Well – I guess hyung never really made a move on any guys at JYP because of the ban – “_

_“I know that –“The ban is something that he’s had to learn of the hard way. “I’ve never known Donghyun to be so desperate?”_

_Woojin snickers. “Youngmin hyung is nice though. Definitely worth the desperate. He was always popular with everyone back at my studio in Busan.”_

_“You know each other?”_

_“In passing.  Hey, about the ban thing – I don’t think you should let that – I mean – I just wanted to check – are you –“_

_“I don’t want to talk about it.” He lets out in one breath._

_Woojin’s eyes blink quickly like he’s trying this best to turn back time and erase the fact he’d ever brought up the reason Daehwi’s here with him. “I just – “_

_“Sorry.”_

_“No, no of course. It’s none of my business. I just – I wanted to say – even if things turned out this way. I’m happy I get to still debut with you one day, Daehwi.” He smiles at Woojin and Woojin smiles back at him, one tooth intent on making sure he no longer feels the clawing fear that there are parts of him that can halt his dreams in an instant in this country. “You really are talented – don’t let anything sell you short, okay?”_

_A new boy barges into the room and looks straight at him and Woojin with a thundering deep voice that instills fear in the hearts of both of them. “Which one of you is Lee Daehwi?”_

_Woojin betrays him in less than a second. “Eat the other one! He shits sugar and unicorns!"_

_Daehwi hisses at him as he whacks his arm. “You said you wanted to debut together!”_

_“I said I wanted to debut together! I don’t want to die together!” Woojin bolts towards the kitchen where Donghyun has somehow managed to put his head on Youngmin’s shoulders with the excuse of being very exhausted from all this moving in business._

_When did his hyung become such a flirt?_

_“You compose, right?”_

_Daehwi feels his eyes widen. That was – it’s been so long since he heard that accent –“LA?”_

_“South.” Daehwi feels his jaw drop as he blinks at the intruder before nodding as enthusiastically as possible. “What’s wrong with your head? Into heavy metal?”_

_No. “Yes. I compose.”_

_“Cool. I was going to be like –you joined the wrong company –“ Does this guy know he just made a very terrible joke? Does Daehwi have a moral responsibility to tell his new fellow trainee that his sense of humor sucks? “It’s very nice to meet you. I’m Myunghoon by the way, should have probably said that first.” Myunghoon holds his hand out but it feels so strange to Daehwi to shake it because in the last few years he’s made a habit of bowing his hellos. “Welcome to Brand New Music –“_

_Before Myunghoon can say anymore - they’re interrupted by Donghyun running forward with Youngmin’s hand in his and a disapproving Park Woojin bringing up the rear. “HI! I’m Kim Donghyun – it’s very nice to meet you Myunghoon.” Youngmin’s trying to give Donghyun his hand back but Donghyun is one of the strongest guys Daehwi knows - there’s no hope of Youngmin beating him successfully. “I have a question…”_

_“Yes?” Myunghoon looks amused at Youngmin’s predicament._

_“Are we allowed to date here? JYP it was a big no no no omona no – absolutely not –“_

_“Why don’t you just ask Youngmin?” Myunghoon laughs as Youngmin glowers at him. “I mean – you two are holding hands – “_

_“THAT WAS MY FIRST THOUGHT TOO!” Donghyun sighs, lifting their joint hold like he’s trying to show off their forced unity. “But Youngmin’s pretty useless for such a pretty face you know –“_

_“I don’t know if dating is allowed because I haven’t really ever had to consi– I’m too old for this discussion!” Youngmin growls pulling his hand back from Donghyun before he stalks off to the bedrooms. “Please make sure you all relax after the move so your muscles are ready for dancing tomorrow!”_

_“My muscles are ready to dance with you tonight!” Donghyun calls out and Youngmin halts, shivers and enters his bedroom. “Something tells me, he didn’t appreciate that? I was just trying to show off my hard working trainee attitude! You'd think as the future leader of our group - he could be a little more enthusiastic that someone as energetic as me wants to spend time with him -”_

_Myunghoon is doing his best to not cackle which is more than what Woojin and Daehwi are doing. “To answer your original question. Yes, you can date at Brand New. We just have to fill out some paperwork and do our best to hide the relationship because if it’s discovered by the public – a break up is the only way Brand New will deal with it to avoid PR disasters.”_

_Donghyun smiles wider than anything Daehwi’s ever seen on his face. He then bounds off towards the bedroom. No doubt to try to convince Youngmin that his muscles are all rested up and he can ‘dance’ now if Youngmin's free for it._

_“I was just on my way out but you guys make your way over to the bedroom and rest up too – there are bunks set up for all of you. Daehwi I’ll take you around the building tomorrow? Rhymer asked me to show you around the recording studios and get you comfortable with some of the producers.” He nods, grateful to Myunghoon who walks off towards the exit._

_Woojin starts off towards the bedroom until Daehwi pulls him back. “What?!”_

_“Just – you know – what if – “ Daehwi points towards the shut door._

_“There isn’t a sock on.”_

_“This isn’t a movie! We haven’t like – laid out rules –” Woojin looks extremely disinterested as Daehwi leans closer to the door waving him away so he can spy on Donghyun and Youngmin's conversation._

_Youngmin sounds extremely desperate to get Donghyun to behave. “We don’t have to share a bed! You have a bed right there – literally right there with your name on it and everything –“_

_Donghyun will behave in his grave. “But I’m cold blooded! You can’t be so selfish with your fire hair –“_

_“The colour of my hair has nothing to do with the temperature of my body!” Woojin’s had enough of waiting for this stupid conversation to end – he’s twisted the knob and pushed the door open._

_Unfortunately since Daehwi was listening in so closely – this leaves him flopped on the cold floor as he catches sight of Donghyun and Youngmin fully clothed with the latter's arms unwillingly over former's waist. “DAEHWI! MY BABY! WOOJIN! BANE OF MY EXISTENCE! COME! ISN’T THIS BED HUGE? PAPA YOUNGMIN SAYS HE’LL SHARE -”_

_Youngmin complains – the bed is for the oldest hyung – he’s always sore – he’s contagious with mono –_

_But eventually the complaints stop as they fall asleep on top of each other._

_In the early days, before his family got their own place in LA – they’d stayed in his uncle’s unfinished sun room, cuddled up together on one spare mattress._

_That had always made him feel safe, sandwiched between his mother’s kisses and his father’s reassuring arms._

_And somehow this feeling is just as nice. Sure, Donghyun’s not his mother and Youngmin’s not his father but Woojin is definitely annoying and he’s happy here with them._

_For that – he already feels victorious._

 

 

“ONG SEONGWOO.”

Unlike most other trainees on stage with him, Ong Seongwoo is good at acting.

And today is no different. Seongwoo must have come prepared, steel coating the grey of his uniform to guard whatever it is he actually feels from the watchful eyes of Korea.

Daehwi’s sure that to some extent he’s happy though.

After all, much of Ong Seongwoo’s ‘game’ has been strategic. A much better version of Daehwi’s own game. Perfectly planned friends, perfectly planned remarks, off handed humor – and –

Daehwi watches as Daniel’s arms come over Seongwoo’s shoulders, head crooked into his neck.

Seongwoo takes ownership. He takes ownership of how he feels. He’s never afraid of the camera’s watchful eyes, he’s always aware of how he’s being portrayed – and he’s always crafting his story before the producers have a prayer of a chance to touch him.

The reward for his toil at Produce101 is his position now. He’s finally been able to achieve everything he’s asked for from this show.

But when he parts from Daniel – Daehwi sees it.

The ghost of an emotion that’s not quite clear. It’s only there for a second – and then the cloud passes over and Seongwoo bolts towards BoA.

He takes seat #5.

Daehwi takes a deep breath.

Ahead of him is his best friend.

Beside him is -

“You okay?” Dongho’s voice is calm, like waves of low tide soothing caresses over the frazzled fragments of his soul.

It's not fair that he can do that by doing nothing at all.

He looks at Dongho, lips tucked into an unemotional flat smile. “Of course.”

Dongho’s hands are crossed over his chest, hands clutching to themselves. “You’re going to be fine, Daehwi.”

No, he’s not. He looks at Jonghyun with a little bit of bitterness in his gaze.

How can he be fine when this show has taught him that winning doesn't mean winning and losing doesn't mean losing? “Okay.”

“Do you believe me?”

He doesn’t believe him.

Mostly because Dongho isn’t thinking the same way he is.

Dongho’s resolutely, stubbornly, beautifully stuck to his guns all throughout the show – and in a few minutes – Dongho's efforts to be a pessimist will pay off.

And Dongho will be fine. He’ll be ready. He’s waiting to be thrown to the side.

So no matter what happens –

Daehwi knows in some ways he’s already lost.

 

 

 

 “4.”

 

 

 

_“Whoa – whoa – whoa – whoa – “ He whips his headphones off. “Okay – what WAS that?!”_

_“You like the demo that much?” Myunghoon’s smiling at him like he’s looking at a kid screaming in an amusement park._

_“Forget the demo- the hook is mediocre but did you get a load of that voice?! Did this singer get plastic throat surgery or something? And if so – where can I get one so I also turn into a high note shuttle?” Daehwi lets out a breath as he goes back to the demo track to replay the sound of the demo singer’s voice in the small studio. “Hyung, is there anything else from this guy?”_

_“The composer or the singer, Daehwi?” Myunghoon’s always humoring him._

_“The singer, hyung! Get with the program!” Myunghoon’s eyes flat line but he ruffles his hair and starts peruse the demo library on hand anyways. “Come on - you can’t tell me you’re not impressed with him! Did you hear the way he belted that song out?! Look at my arm! Goosebumps!”Myunghoon starts laughing as Daehwi coats his hands over the tiny pinpricks of hair that are on edge and making his skin look like a dead chicken’s. “Hyung, I’m kind of jealous. I can’t sing high for shit – I always have people adjust ranges down for me – ”_

_“Daehwi-“Now, Myunghoon’s laughing at him. “You have no reason to be jealous of him.”_

_“Why not? Being born with a voice like that is freaking criminal –I HATE him.” He laughs along too as he runs back to replay the voice he’s just fallen in love with. “Seriously! Listen to that – if I try to do that you’re going to end up going deaf hyung – “_

_“Daehwi –“_

_“This guy has to be some big shot,right? He’s obviously just doing this demo thing to get his voice noticed by more big name producers to get more songs for his own albums, right? Got to admit – that’s a good tactic. Although a little snake-like –“ Myunghoon looks like he wants to correct him but Daehwi tuts under his breath finger pointed in the air as he peers closer at the screen like just looking closer at the map of this voice will tell him everything he needs to know about this demo singer. “Still – he’d do better off if he learned to produce himself. Hey, hyung do you think he’d take a song from us?! I mean none of my tracks have been picked up yet but - “_

_“Daehwi –“_

_“He probably wouldn’t right? I’m no big name or anything.” He feels more disappointed than he’d thought he’d be as he imagined the pompous A-lister voice turning him down. “I mean not that I blame him for this underhanded tactic– I hope he gets attention from Shinsadong-nim or Teddy-nim but I find that the best singers are the ones who know how to produce for their own voice. He should do that – I mean if I had that voice – I would not be wasting it on demo tracks trying to pick up producers – I'd be writing for myself ALL the time - “_

_“DAEHWI!”_

_“Yes?” He blinks back at Myunghoon. “Did I say something wrong?”_

_“You shouldn’t think of him like that. You don’t even know him!” Myunghoon shakes his head from side to side like he can't believe he has to teach Daehwi this lesson. “I mean, neither do I but I can’t imagine he’s doing very well. Although, I do know that he did have to get surgery because of nodules -”_

_“HE WAS CARELESS?! WITH THAT VOICE?! Okay, now I really hate him. He doesn't even know how good he has it -" Daehwi feels his eyebrows knot together. Everyone knows voices like this demo singer's need lots of warm up time, breathing training and loads of rest –_

_“Have you heard of Baekho from Nu’est?”_

_Uh, no? “Nu’est?”_

_“Yeoboseyo – did you eat rice today - ring a bell?” He shrugs shaking his head. Sounds like a nice enough song but no, he hasn’t really heard of it or of Nu’est or of Mr.White Tiger until now._

_“Should I have heard of them?” It doesn’t matter if he’s never heard him before._

_After today, he doesn’t think he’ll get that voice out of his head._

_“Not really, the rest of Korea hasn’t either. They’re Seventeen’s brother band from PLEDIS. They debuted first but they’re not doing very well. Fanbase too small. Limited T.V. exposure. Unsuccessful comebacks back to back to back with ever revolving concepts -”_

_“Oh.” He turns back to the screen to look at the wavelengths in front of him. On closer observation, the peaks and valleys start to resemble smiles and frowns like photographs in time of Mr.White Tiger’s face. “That sucks.”_

_“Yeah,” Myunghoon lets out a breath. “It does.”_

_It’s silent._

_At least, until Daehwi realizes this isn’t such a bad thing. “So, you’re telling me he has more stuff up on YouTube, right? Can we hear more of it?”_

_He’s not trying to be particularly admiring but he wants to unravel the layers that make up Nu’est’s Baekho’s voice so that one day he can mimic this measured amount of pain, talent and god gifted vocal range in his own throat. “Daehwi –“_

_“Hyung-“ Daehwi pouts and almost immediately Myunghoon gives in because his aegyo game is strong._

_For the rest of the day – they stay distracted listening to Nu’est’s Baekho belt out songs like he’s revealing his heart for the world to see._

_Baekho is pretty smiley._

_For the most part._

_Nice enough looking face too._

_But there’s something off about the recent videos._

_Baekho is still pretty and smiley – that never really stops – but a cloud takes residence over his gaze, shrouding the innate warmth of his smile and Daehwi feels his mood sour because he recognizes that cloud too well._

_It comes for him too, usually late at night since he’s the last one to shower and the last one in bed. It's there for him when no one else is, when he’s alone with the dark and a mirror running a towel through his freshly cleaned hair and asking himself 'What_ _the hell are you doing here, Daehwi?"_

_Despite being skinny – he’s become strong in his own way. Most of the time - he's able to push the cloud away._

_Baekho doesn’t look like he’s strong enough to do that despite other parts of his appearance that would assume otherwise._

_He frowns at the screen as Baekho’s laugh goes from happy to breathy to weak and then -_

_It stops entirely._

_Surely, this guy knows he’s meant for stardom.  Sometimes, it just takes a little time._

_Daehwi, of all people, knows this._

_Maybe once he’s made it. He’ll write Mr.White Tiger a hit song._

_It’ll give him a reason to walk right up to him and say –  ‘Hey, Mr.White Tiger! You have the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard. Will you sing for me?’_

_And maybe then, the cloud will disappear and-_

_Mr.White Tiger will hold out his hand, ask him for his name and smile._

 

“KIM JAE HWAN.”

Jaehwan is shell shocked because he, like all the other trainees here, has started to make his peace with the reality that he’s lost this competition –

But his name is brandished on the screens and the hordes around them are screaming his name. The world has shown him an immense amount of trust and admiration for his voice.

Jaehwan is dazed and confused all throughout his speech.

He promises of all things 'to deliver' and Daehwi laughs to himself.

Of all the people, in all the worlds of existence - Kim Jaehwan doesn’t need to make that promise.

He has never once heard Kim Jaehwan’s voice crack. He has never once heard Kim Jaehwan’s voice not dominate a song. He has never once heard Kim Jaehwan not trust in his voice and that trust has given him the greatest gift of all.

Daehwi may not have started out close to Kim Jaehwan, nor is he particularly close to him now but he knows there’s not a sound in this world that Kim Jaehwan cannot convincingly deliver.

Daehwi takes a breath and shakes his head as his fingers reach upwards to his own voice. 

Samuel tenses beside him and for a second he sees his shoulders shake but Daehwi taps him quickly and shakes his head.

“It’s okay –“ Seonho mumbles from behind them. He's talking to himself but Daehwi can’t help but feel like it’s for all of them here who are still standing together like a banded bunch of losers.“It’s okay. It’s almost the end now.”

 

 

 

“3-”

 

 

 

_“Will you be okay?”_

_“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” He slurps up the last of his chocolate milkshake into his mouth as he looks at the love of his life._

_Somi is decidedly not feeling the same love. “Daehwi – I don’t want you going in there blind.” She really should be too busy to meet up with him but Somi is Somi. The type of person who makes time for the people she loves despite hectic schedules being Korea's sweetheart and he’s grateful to have her on his side. “Those cameras are vipers-“_

_“Am I that foolish?” Somi nods like she’s okay answering this rhetorical question with 110% honesty. He kicks her under the table earning a glare from the center of their nation. “I’m not going to make mistakes SoSo –“_

_“So you say – but from past experience I know you’re a little shit and you will make a mistake. There’s no way. You’re going to mess up on camera – I know it! And what if you offend someone?! There’s some big sunbaes joining-”_

_He snorts._ _Somi needs to cool it and have a little faith in him._

_And he wouldn’t necessarily refer to Hotshot, TOPPDOGG and Nu’est as **big** sunbaes. _

_Although, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t excited to some small extent._

_After all, he’s going to get the chance to hear Baekho use that voice of his live and hell maybe they’ll even end up in the same level._

_Maybe they’ll be friends –_

_Maybe they’ll be best friends –_

_Maybe – he_ _’s being stupid._ _“Your mom said she wants you to go back right? If you don’t make it?”_

_He scoffs. “I’m going to make it.”_

_“Daehwi –“_

_“I’m going to make it!” He bops her nose with his finger. “I would never leave my beautiful girlfriend all alone in Korea –“_

_“Daehwi – please be serious. And don’t make jokes like that out loud – someone may take you seriously.” She’s still smiling way too widely._

_“I am serious! It’s going to be fine. Just – trust me. And vote for me.”_

_“Yeah Jackson told me you sent a message to literally everyone. You know they could want to vote for some of the other trainees they know –Woojin’s pretty popular with everyone–“_

_“Yeah but Woojin would NEVER text them asking them to vote for him and I have no shame so – it’s called mental priming –“_

_“Wow – has someone been going to Intro to Psych?” He waves a hand at her as she laughs. “Well – don’t forget to have fun. Performing on stage is pretty amazing.”_

_“You mean I’ll get to perform as more than a JYP FAMILY CONCERT BACK DANCER?” He laughs shaking his head. “Wow. Is this the real life? IS THIS JUST FANTASY?! CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE – NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY - ”_

_“Open your eyes!” Somi groans, head on the table as she bangs it repeatedly against the marble. “You’re so going to make a mistake – “_

_“No – Jeon Somi –” He blows her a kiss as the small group of people at this bubble tea café look at them with worried expressions. “I am going to make it.”_

 

 

 

“This trainee has never dropped from the debut line up – “

He takes a deep breath, in time with BoA’s pause.

If he doesn’t make it - it’s okay.

Maybe he’ll become a composer –

Maybe he’ll start focusing on school –

Maybe he’ll be able to roam around Hongdae with nothing to hide and his secrets out in the open –

Or maybe he will go back to LA with his mother.

Maybe –

Maybe –

Maybe –

“BRAND NEW MUSIC TRAINEE, LEE DAEHWI.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or maybe, he’ll make it.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter - as you can tell - was different. 
> 
> Thank you for listening to my TED talk :D as always with all the love I can muster up on my milk tea infused form - I LOVE YOU. and also like you guys think I'm joking but I 100% would buy you milk tea if I could. alas for now - you will all probably just get images of milk tea in my replies to you if i can figure out the HTML coding for it. 
> 
> So - basically - I'm a scam artist.BUT ALSO - MILK TEA IS THE BEVERAGE OF GODS.
> 
> okay I'll stop now. someone stop feeding me chatime.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully you enjoyed the first chapter everyonee! Lee Daehwi fighting in Wanna One! Kang Dongho fighting in Nu'est! Let's promote together :)! (Honestly I hated it when JR didn't make the line-up but these are blessings in disguise).


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